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Well it's been quite a while since my last blog regarding my cbt and erp journey. So I thought id do another update on my progress and how far I've come.
Im learning new things all the time, lots of new methods and new things to try with different approaches regarding my cbt, from changing the way i percieve and think about my thoughts and also my behaviour towards them. Learning how to stop myself ruminating and also detachment from my thoughts. Another hopeful step I will be taking shortly to help me on my journey to recovery will be doing a mindfulness course too.
I'm really hoping by sharing my journey so far that it will give some hope and inspiration to others that change and recovery is possible and achieveable, if I can do it I believe anyone can.
For years now I've become highly dependant on my family and close friends for everything from a day to day basis including personal care, cleaning, cooking, making drinks ,not being on my own, going out etc far too many things to list, it eventually consumed my whole life completely because with each year thats passed by the more obsessions and compulsions have accumulated, making it impossible for me to feel able to cope alone. I've spent basically the last ten years whilst at its worst with someone by my side constantly unable to look after myself and my daughter alone not being able to cook, clean, make drinks, go out etc alone.
What finally became more apparent to me that I really needed some serious help was when not only was I doubting myself I'd began to doubt others too, which inevitably made my OCD even worse. I'd lost every thing all my self respect and self pride too, to be honest I no longer cared in my self preservation or my appearance. I'd even began to avoid some compulsions because they overwhelmed me so much because of the fear I associated with them, it was easier for me to avoid doing these things and going these places. To be honest I'd become just this empty shell of myself just so lost in thought and behaviours. As the years went by and as my OCD became worse,the more depressed and withdrawn I became this heavy burden lay on my shoulders and dragged me down, i felt I couldn't breath there was no fresh air. Ocd had taken everything from me, it stole so many things from my life and now I had no self pride, Id lost all my confidence and all I felt was self pity, there was nothing left of me, it had taken my all. My life was just thick black clouds and awful thoughts that consumed me 24/7. Over the years I'd got lost in me.
It's been a year now Since starting my cbt and what a journey it's been. The first thing I needed to do was get some knowledge regarding OCD it might sound strange but I didn't know what was the obsessions, rituals, ruminating, compulsions etc all I knew was I had these strange awful thoughts and acts I needed to perform. When my therapist first started saying these things I didn't know what he was talking about and needed to google and read up exactly what was what before I could understand how to start attempting cbt and what my obsessions were. There as been lots of ups and downs along the way, two steps forward and one step back but this has learnt me different coping strategies. I've started to regain my confidence, self respect and care about my appearance again too becoming really proud of myself and what Ive achieved so far and how far I've come, for the first time in years I have happy moments and even a real smile so that's an achievement in itself. I've become a lot less dependant on others and can even spend time alone without being afraid and going into Sheer dread and panic which makes me feel proud in myself, this in turn lifts my spirits and in return some self respect reappears. It's amazing how different i am from the person that use to smile as though everything was ok and yet behind that smile deep inside it was killing me. I could be in the same room as a dozen people and yet feel so terribly alone it was like I wasn't really there trapped inside a bubble, the sound of muffled voices and blurred visions.
The black clouds are slowly lifting and I can see more clearly now and for once I can see the light through the darkness, I'm beginning to feel good about me and who I am and don't feel so lost in me anymore. Not only am I gaining some of my life back but so are my family and friends also because not only had OCD impacted on my life it had on theirs too.
When i initially started my cbt im not going to lie i was so scared and so afraid of change but I think this is probably pretty normal starting it for the first time? I had spent so many years living my life this way that i was scared of change, some how afraid that I'd no longer be in control. I believed that all these things I had been doing for years was actually keeping me and my family safe so why would I want to change this? But I knew things needed to change I wasn't leading a normal healthy happy life and it was badly affecting my daughter and everyone around me.
I remind myself constantly that I've lived with anxiety everyday all these years doing so many compulsions to help reduce my anxiety and that is the only difference. Yet now here I am doing things to cause myself anxiety which is going to be scary at first. Ive learnt a valuable lesson that working through my heirachy from the least to the worst anxiety provoking compulsions that if i keep repeating avoiding them then the anxiety does eventually subside and each time I do it the length of time reduces also. I've also learnt to stop ruminating which is a big factor in my OCD i would constantly replay things over and over again in my mind back tracking my each and every movement word and action all day over and over again reinacting every thing but never getting the answers or reassurance I was seeking. So why was I putting myself through hours of torment and pain trying to figure things out in my mind, this needed to stop. Learning how to Detach myself from my thoughts as also been really helpful I've learnt how looking at it from an outsider looking in and how they would react to these thoughts. It's crazy I've spent all these years believing that all these strange things I was doing was some how actually protecting my loved ones from harm.
The more attention I pay to my OCD thoughts the worse they become then sheer panic, dread etc sets in, which then produces high anxiety. This is because my mind was way to busy too many thoughts whirling round inside going over and over again, it is so obvious to me now that there is no wonder I couldn't think straight, way to much activity going on in my mind causing me so much confusion, it's really difficult to explain. Now I get some calm time either relaxing or talking to friends and actually listening and being there instead of being lost in thought. I also watch tv from time to time and I'm not sat ruminating over all the past events of the day. It's strange how things can change so much now for once if I'm in that crowded room I can hear and see so much more clearly and often find myself at times joining into the conversation too.I can't be sure how far I will get through my heirachy list but I'm up towards the latter end now and it's so much better than it's ever been a little bit of piece of mind and it feels so good. I'd like to think that I could work through even my hardest ones one day and hopefully break free from OCD altogether and eventually be in recovery.
I think it's important during cbt that you be kind to yourself when you've done well no matter how small praise yourself, if you have a setback don't beat yourself up this lowers your mood which makes it harder to refocus again. Remember tomorrow is another day, what you can't manage to achieve today you can try again tomorrow. It's not a race it doesn't matter how long it takes if it takes two years to get better it's better than spending the next two years getting worse and spending the next fourty years suffering more. It is scary and it takes determination and motivation and you have to work at it, but believe me it's well worth it. You need to be prepared for setbacks and downfalls along the way it's not plain sailing but you learn from it and start to understand how you could maybe approach it differently it's just a part of the learning process and it actually makes you stronger.
Its impossible to begin to list all the terrible thoughts and compulsions I'd accumulated over the fourty years all the tears and turmoil but im sure you can probably imagine how much it had affected and consumed my life and just how difficult this journey as been for me. I believe that if I can do it you can too and believe me it really is worth the work you put into it. My ambition is to reach my end goal and be free from OCD or in recovery at least because for once I feel I can breath and that heavy burden is lifting.
My journey as been a long bumpy winding road, with lots of twists, turns, humps and bumps along the way, ive hit the bumps the twists and the turns but eventually the road is evening out and it's becoming more of a smooth straight road as my journey continues.
Its never to late for change, this could be you too.
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I wish to thank my forum friends, but especially Snowbear and Caramoole for their specific vital insight, as I am feeling a lot better.
The stomach issues have eased away as too the tension in my muscles and the anxiety ; and as a result the Citalopram SSRI has kicked in again and I am feeling much happier.
We've had some fun together in the chatroom and it's been awash with love and kindness. And when snowy has dropped in my comic muse seems to take off!
We are moving on with the house renovations - next job is to find the bathroom design and fitting service we like - having already eliminated one of the local ones.
And I am ready to go for a day's fishing when weather and the right timing comes - hopefully not far off now.
Plus 3 days of heavy work by the gardening and tree contractors has left us with manageable projects to work on ourselves.
Thanks for reading
Yesterday, I was sat in my armchair reading when I realised I could slightly smell feces. I had my window open so I thought it was the blocked drains outside so I ignored it, but then about 15mins later I could still smell it and then I realised I had some dog or fox feces on the bottom of my sock. I took my socks off, washed my clothes and the sofa cover and searched for the source of the feces and found a small amount on the bottom of my shoe - I had just been for a walk in the park, I don't wear shoes inside but it's a rented flat with no room for a for a doormat so I have to take my shoes off in the carpeted hall, plus my flatmate wears her shoes inside anyway so the carpet is never clean. I've tried changing into slippers when I take my shoes off so my socks don't get dirty but I don't like the feeling of slippers on my feet, and I know it is really good for posture to walk as much as possible without shoes, so I selfishly gave up wearing them. I also like to sit down on my chair with my feet tucked up under me, I'm short so I can't reach the floor if I sit normally so I find it uncomfortable - but this means I'm risking getting dirt from the floor onto the sofa and my clothes - so I'm being selfish by prioritising my own comfort over hygiene.
So, I then started to panic because I couldn't believe I had been so careless and also I had smelled the feces but wrongly thought something else was the cause and not me, so I'd behaved arrogantly and stupidly. I also knew it didn't matter how much cleaning I did, I wouldn't be able to sterlise my flat completely, plus the feces had been on my sock for about 30mins so the damage had already been done. I then realised I'd put the sock in the washing machine with my other clothes in my panic, rather than washing it seperately, so I'd now infected my other clothes so I had to rewash everything at 60 degrees even though some of my clothes shouldn't be washed at that temperature. I then felt awful about wasting electricity and using up the world's resources (if I've damaged my clothes and need to buy new ones) and contributing to damaging the environment.
I then panicked about how I shouldn't be allowed to see my six week old niece again because I'm obviously an inherently careless and unoberservent person. I then started down my usual thought path about how the only way I can gaurantee that I won't accidentally harm someone is to kill myself. Now I'm panicking about writing this thought down because I don't want to seed ideas about suicide to other people.
My problem is that I'm not sure I have OCD, I'm not worrying about completely irrational things (I usually only worry about actual events), I just feel like I'm inherently selfish and stupid so I make mistakes that cause harm to other people, and the only way I can avoid this is to not interact with other people. Before this incident I'd spent over a month hardly talking to anyone, staying in bed most of the time, not eating and planning my suicide, but I decided to take leap of faith and accept I have OCD - but then this happens and just proves I'm actually just a bad person and there is no cure for that. Yet at the same time I'm a spiritual person and believe in the sanctity of life, so suicide seems wrong - so I'm trapped in some kind of half life.
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It's been over a month since therapy ended, although it feels like it's been about three.
I found it difficult at first knowing I wouldn't have anyone to talk to about the difficulties I face. But I think those feelings were a result of therapy ending. Towards the end I had little to report in terms of ocd hardships. Just having someone explain "this is ocd. This is how you deal with it. It's going to be okay." Was such a relief and has been the most helpful thing. I wish I had got therapy sooner!
I was silly to get upset about not having anyone to talk to. I have this forum.
My friends hadn't asked how therapy was. Or anything about my recovery. They didn't even ask if I was feeling better I think they were scared to talk about such a 'taboo' subject - I hate the stigma! But the support and encouragement I've found on here is phenomenal. Plus no matter how much you try to explain ocd no-one I confided in could understand (even if they tried) I didn't understand before I was diagnosed, it's unrealistic to expect someone to truly understand if they haven't experienced it.
This forum and all the wonderful members who have helped along my recovery have really helped me to see how ocd works for me. I have weeks at a time where I am unaffected by it. Then a stressful family situation or uni deadline will give me a flare up. But because of the support you have provided I can move on quicker than before. I know external stresses make ocd flare. It's an anxiety disorder. That's it.
I now know when I can expect a flare up, When I am fragile or weak to this illness. But because I now know I can combat it. I can do things that make me happy and reduce stress. I used to get extremely frustrated when I suddenly felt worse, which in turn fed this crappy illness, but now i can take care of it.
Thank you for all your help and support. This community is so important and you are all so brave and much stronger than you think.
Do not feed your negativity!!!! It doesn't deserve it and you deserve better. Nurture and care for the positive thoughts and feed them so they are bigger, better and stronger than the nagging little bully ocd is.
Basically thanks for all your help. I'm feeling better
I'm not really sure why it's been so long since I last posted - or, indeed, why I have posted today.
The "place" has changed so much since I was here last. It amazes me how much work has been accomplished and how huge this organisation has become.
There are people here who have dedicated their lives to helping others - I'm one of the others - and I can't tell you how much OCD-UK has meant to me over the years. (I mis-typed that and wrote "tears" - which is also pretty accurate!)
To them I want to say thank you. I still have some rough days (I still have some fricking hideous days too) - but thanks to these forums and the amazing people who keep it going (day and night) I'm doing pretty well.
I remember so clearly the first time I found the courage to post - I can picture myself sitting at my desk - trembling - as I wrote it. I was so unsure about the responses I might get and so nervous about the journey I was about to embark on. The only thing I regret about that post is not having done in nine years earlier when the nightmare began. But once I posted that question, the light at the end of the tunnel became visible. Everyone was so supportive and so friendly. It felt as though I'd know these people for years.
I log on from time to time, and dip in and out of the forums. I don't recognise many of the people anymore - but there are old friends here - and it is comforting just to see the names popping up. There is a feeling of constancy and stability here.
To the people who helped me get my life back on track, who pointed me in the right direction and then stood behind me every step of the way: thank you. You are amazing.
Music has always been an important factor in my life ever since I first heard 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' by Nirvana back at high school (not when it first came out a few years later), I guess I've always used music as a kind of radar, a way to station myself in life & a way to experience life as well. In some ways I've perhaps 'buried' myself in it too much at times, it's been an obsession in many instances, I've locked myself away & been listening to music when really, I'd have been better of doing something more positive.
I guess when I was young at high school, being unpopular & an outsider, Nirvana were kinda perfect for me. They captured the frustrations & mood swings of being young brilliantly for me & gave me something to cling to during the misery of school life. I reckon now, that a lot of my issues at school were down to my developing OCD, anxieties always been a problem & in high school it makes for easy pickings.
But I found a lot of comfort in bands like Nirvana & Silverchair (an Australian grunge band) & towards the end of high school immensely got into Joy Division. The feelings I got from listening to this (admittedly) less than cheerful music was one of understanding & acceptance (we're all f ed here!). I never felt accepted as a kid & guess not much as changed (although, it's more now I can't accept a lot of whats out there!), other kids at school thought I was a loser & my parents didn't understand what was wrong with me, & truthfully, I didn't understand me, but the music always seemed to be there, a solid rock of pure joy to fall back on.
I suppose it also had it's downsides as well, both Kurt Cobain (Nirvana) & Ian Curtis (Joy Division) killed themselves & being alienated & depressed that became very romanticised to me & probably helped to draw me into the darkness within. I guess that lasted quite a long time.
I did also get into some quite cheerful bands such as Terrorvision & Symposium (their on Youtube, check out Drink the Sunshine :original: ) & a bit later Madness! & started to get into other bands, mainly those with social views or with some 'alternative' way at looking at things.
Stiff Little Fingers have remained a big favourite of mine from back then, their an Irish punk band from the late seventies & their first album focused mainly on the 'Troubles' in Northern Ireland. To me, that was incredibly exciting, hearing a band describe there opinions on such a highly charged situation with such emotive songs (I would recommend anyone listen to Alternative Ulster) gave me the sense that there could be something life affirming about music, but also that it could be about principles & deeply moral as well. To show how relevant they have stayed to me, they released a new album this year & one of the songs (My Dark Places) is about Jake Burns (lead singer) own dealing with his depression (I listened to it a lot when I was really bad at the start of this year).
In good times & bad, music has always been there for.with me & I have often felt lost without it. Even today, driving home through the mixture of sunshine & rain with one of the strongest rainbow I may have ever seen in my life, with the bypass lit like the road way into Heaven, I had Funeral for a Friend's Juneau soundtracking it for me! (& I couldn't think of better company!).
What does music mean to me now? Morals, Principles, poetry, joy, friendship & direction. I may not be as obsessed as I once was & don't bury my head in it like I used to, but I think that's a positive thing, but music hasn't lost it's meaning. In fact, music is funny like that, you choose it, it doesn't really choose you, but once your into a band or a song, it has the ability to change you as though you are pulling potions out of the air. Get that special song or riff or melody & it can change your life, maybe for ever!
I still think in lyrics at times, whether it's to comfort myself, reassure myself, if I'm feeling romantic or sad, I'll soundtrack that feeling with a song, or lyric from a song. Likewise if I'm in a conundrum or doubting what to do in a situation, a song I regard has a principle or moral or political element will tend to direct me to an answer.
I guess at the end of the day I use music as many people in the past use literature & poetry, as a source of inspiration. Maybe one day that will end, but as Morrisey himself sang on the Smiths 'Rubber Ring' -
'But don't forget the songs that made you cry & the songs that save your life, yes, you're older now & you're a clever swine but they were the only ones who ever stood by you!' (Morrisey/Marr 'Rubber Ring' The World Won't Listen CD Rough Trade 1987)
I scrupulously check the PIL in each packet of Seroxat I get to see if it's been updated, and then compare it to the previous PIL revision to identify the changes.
I've contacted Smithkline Beecham to find out why they don't publish the actual changes in each revision so patients know what's altered. Can't even find that information on their website. I await their response and will post the reply here. I think it's very important information for patients to know what's changed.
Anyhow, in the latest PIL I had in my Seroxat packet, it's dated as revised August 2014, and the previous one I had was Revised November 2013.
Here are the changes to the PIL that I've noticed between those two revisions:
Section 2: Other medicines & seroxat
The following medication has been added to the list of medicines that may cause issues with Seroxat: Mivacurium & suxamethonium (used in anaesthesia)
Section 2: Other medicines & seroxat
Title has been altered from previous revision, where it was “Taking other medicines & Seroxat”
Section 2: Pregnancy breast-feeding and fertility
Opening sentence altered; was “Talk to your doctor as soon as possible if you’re pregnant, might be pregnant or plan to become pregnant”
Now reads “If you are pregnant or breast--feeding, might be pregnant or are planning to have a baby, ask your doctor or pharmacist before taking this medicine.”
So, that's a change in stance completely.
Section 6: What Seroxat looks like
“break-line” altered to “break-bar” in all references for 10, 20 and 30 mg tablets,
Under 30mg tablet it used to say “The tablet must only be broken to ease swallowing” but altered to “The break-bar is only to facilitate breaking for ease of swallowing and not to divide into equal doses.”
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First blog,but really need to get this off chest. I was diagnosed with OCD 12 years ago,been free more or less for 8 years,however it's came back with a vengeance and to be honest im really scared sometimes. I recently met the most wonderful woman,told her about my OCD, as felt it was only right and she said she would support me and help me as she loved me.
However,as I say,really struggling with intrusive thought,thinking I can forsee events before they happen,that she will leave me etc. Broke down yesterday at work twice because of them,wishing was in a 6ft box.
They are ruining my life and any advice for getting them under control would be appreciated.
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Not the topic for a forum post, facebook status or message to a friend so I'be come here, in the hidden depths of my blog to voice my thoughts....
I'm feeling strange. Like I'm suspended in the void. Not happy, not sad, just an numb emotional static. It's like that moment just before dropping off to sleep, when you whole body is hovering. You have stepped off the edge of consciousness but are yet to decend into dream.
It's not nice.
I'm finding it difficult having this inside and nothing to show, no visible sign to prove I'm hurting, that I'm struggling, that it's not just all in my head.
That's what I'm lost thinking about at the moment.
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ive found my own way of relieving anxieties in my head. well for a little while anyway !! ..thats by sitting down and doing a puzzle. i find that i just get engrossed in it, and other thoughts just get put to the back of my mind. you would think a puzzle would get you more frustrated, but for me it doesnt..
At the moment i have to fit it in with my internal planner which is the type of OCD which ive got. Each day is planning tasks and times in my head, which gets excessive. disruption of my routine sends me into anxiety. there is no doing something on impulse in my life. which makes things hard for my wife and family
i do find it strange that i dont give a plan for finishing a puzzle. weather i put in 10 pieces or 100 each day or 2 days ..i have no time limit on finishing it....there is a great sence of achievement when its done, framed and hung on the wall
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(OCD blog hop for FEB about our favourite quotes - you can check out my other blog posts on wordpress here:http://symptomaticallyocd.wordpress.com/)
“Feel the fear and do it anyway!”
I’m sure this is a quote a lot of OCD sufferers like myself find motivational. I think for us it describes a great attitude to have during exposure or just everyday life! I like this one so much I even have a t-shirt with the quote on it! I have so many quotes I like but at the minute, this is the one I have found the most encouraging when doing exposure. The fear I feel when doing something very simple to others, is huge for me. It’s all about finding that extra bit of strength inside and saying “no I’m not going to do as my OCD says, I going to do what I want. I’m putting the fear aside and doing it anyway!”
Recently my exposure has been centred around touching sinks (might sound strange but it’s the reality). I started exposure with it about 5 months ago, with my own kitchen sink. I looked back on the exposure sheet I done for CBT and I managed to last 4 minutes without washing my hands. I was careful not to touch anything, I felt physically sick and my heart-rate was increased. Now after months of exposure, I am now able to touch all over the sink in public bathrooms and not wash my hands for about 40 minutes. This of course means I am touching other things ‘contaminating them’ in my eyes. I should add this is with the support of my therapist, who is amazing! The progress has been amazing. I’m able to do things I thought I’d never be able to do. Of course there’s a long way to go but I am very proud of what both myself and my therapist have achieved, I definitely couldn’t have done it without her. The quote “Feel the fear and do it anyway” has certainly helped me along the way. I think it’s an attitude that has very much aided me in fighting.
Well, I got my wish. For music, that is. And it has brought even greater changes than I thought. Incredibly, my son (who does not read this blog!) bought me an ipod for Xmas. So lovely of him. I stuffed it with music and hit the road. And I ran so much that to be honest I hurt my knees. It was so utterly addictive, running to the music I love, that I wanted to go on forever. It got me through the festive season. And then it taught me so much, because I really had to start finding out how to not get injured, as I was running so much more. I've been doing lots of reading and learnt how to do knee exercises (rock n roll!) I had to go right back to basics cos now my lungs etc are much fitter than my grotty legs, which means I have to be patient as well as keen.
Running has helped me so much already and I feel so much more in control of my life now that I do it regularly. I feel that I have achieved something almost unachievable, and helped my mental health at the same time.
Next step...to think about a run for the summer, with OCD UK on my T Shirt perhaps...???? If my knees hold out!
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Well it's been a very long time time since I last posted here! Over 5 years ago and a lot has changed!
In 2008, my Mum suffered a serious stroke not long after my last blog post. I spent about 2 years caring for her and my brother whilst she recovered. Unfortunately I also had to withdraw from university. She still has mobility difficulties but is much better than she used to be. She does not require as much care now and is able to care for my brother full time once again; with family support and a home carer.
So what's happened in those 5 years- I passed my driving test (finally! lol), met my partner, moved in with him, had a hip replacement, came off antidepressants and pain medication after 10 years, and we are now engaged with a lovely little dog and are ready to start planning our own little family this year! I am also in the third year of my degree with a different university after having returned to college. Finally, I'm turning 30 in two weeks. :lol:
In terms of OCD - it's still there but I'm in a lot more control. I've been off medication for it for nearly 3 years now and so far so good. I do still have my bad days, often exacerbated by anxiety or stress, but I'm in a much better place mentally and physically than I used to be. However, if it ever did get bad again I now wouldn't hesitate to seek help for it. I've just now started posting again on the forums. I have a lot to thank OCD-UK for over the years with the support, friends I've made and wealth of information on educating myself about OCD - it's been a lifeline to me.
Hope you had a great Christmas and New Year and that ocd did not interfere too much.
Wanting to avoid sounding too much like a cliche or setting ourselves up for a fall, now is as good a time as any to tackle our ocd. My partner has certainly reached the end of his tether with it and am pretty sure won't stand for much more this year. It's time for me to make some goals and actually do something towards achieving them. I'm not going to go crazy and set unattainable resolutions like "cure my ocd" but small targets every day and go from there. Anyone else fancy joining me?
2013 was a mixed bag for me, great in many ways but plagued with difficulties from ocd. 2014 could be just as a good and if not better, with a little work.
Sending positive thoughts to all, lets inspire and support each other
Need to have a brief rant.
Difficult day at work with my special needs boy, being very tired after a gig in London last night didn't help. Saw counsellor after work which was as always helpful as I get to have a good cry and gain short-lived clarity. Got home, he was cooking dinner for kids, went upstairs and surfed on the net a little while and he came up and started having a go about me having too much of a social life, spending too much time on facebook and using his car. Gave him his car key, he can keep his flipping car. Ended up pushing him and screaming that I hated him. Normally I'd like in bed and get severely depressed, this time I went to a friends and sobbed my heart out instead, progress, hah!
A total of 16 hours at work tomorrow with my 2 jobs, finish at maybe 12 or 1 at night only to start again Thursday morning, don't know how to do it all, I'm so drained, and my boss has been quite horrible to me last time so dreading job number 2 tomorrow night.
Still don't seem to have any money and dreading Xmas, it's all too much right now.
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Throughout the depressions I've had over the years, a common feature has been the way I worsen in the evenings.
Tonight I could feel it happening, it's called something to do with "reverse diurnal". I went for a drive in a bid to head it off. Driving was also a way of delaying coming home and starting OCD-ing. I had to come home, though, the cats needed letting in and feeding. And it hit me hard. As I did last night, I started sobbing and continued to sob for a time. Physically I am under the weather anyway, ended up sleeping close to 14 hours last night, I get so exhausted. I am thinking of trying to do a phased return to work on Mon, have to speak with my GP and boss first though.
I think that I must be annoying people, being like this. I'm annoying myself.
I've calmed since crying, again like last night. I want my husband here though, I miss him more than I can express. It's been 12 weeks tomorrow and I'm not even halfway through. In my more self-critical moments I think, "what is there about you that'd be worth him coming home to, when you're like this?". I hugged my Dad earlier and just wanted to stay there in his arms all evening.
I miss my husband. Cherry-cat tends to know when I need extra cat cuddles and she's wonderful to snuggle up to, but she's not him.
A majestic arc of power strewn across the darkened sky - this is how I describe lightning
the occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud, accompanied by a bright flash and typically also thunder - this is how the Oxford dictionary describes lightning
What's my point I hear you cry, well it's this.
Sometimes when you analyse things, take them apart, prod and poke them and see how they work, they lose their magic! The beautiful mystery that surrounds them fades and all you're left with is a bunch of molecules rubbing and causing voltage or some such.
The same can be said of the past, or of relationships, the more you pick at them, the more mechanical and less beautiful they become, until in the end all you see is the machinery, the ugly mechanics, not the wonderful outcomes or memories that it all holds
But then I question whether I'm too naive? I often wonder do I need to know how it works, or can I just enjoy the beauty of it? Well the lightning is amazing, beautiful, mysterious, awe inspiring, it almost makes you want too stand on a tall hill and try and catch it, try and be part of its power, to join with it, to feels its incredible charge. But knowing exactly how it works tells me that if I did do that I'd be a pile of frazzled ashes, so sometimes knowing the mechanics stops us from doing something incredibly stupid or dangerous, or bad for our health. And yes it might take away some of the mystery, it might not seem as magnificent, but maybe you can still hold on to some of the beauty while admiring the mechanics?
What if we ignored the danger, would we definitely becomes crispy bacon? Would you take that chance to experience something amazingly breathtaking? Or would you stay inside, shut yourself away and wait for the storm to pass?
Is it better to ignore it than to watch it from afar, longing to join in and knowing you can't? To pretend it doesn't exist, or to see it just as an 'occurrence of a natural electrical discharge of very short duration and high voltage between a cloud and the ground or within a cloud' and pretend it holds no beauty?
I need my world to hold beauty, to be a world of mystery, to hold such wonders, but reality seems to clash with it somehow. Recent events seem to cloud my view, darken the horizons. Instead of a vista of wonder and light, I feel like I look out on a landscape of overflowing darkness. I want to live in a world where I can sit in harmony like an angel, spreading my wings on a warm morning breeze, yet here I stand like a maleficent creature overlooking all that I have made, the demons that I myself have bore, growing more powerful everyday with thoughts of anger and vengeance. Wanting to rip every star from the sky and darken the universe, to rip galaxies apart to vent my own frustrations and anger. An anger that swells from the very pit of my soul.
Recent events have put my spirit in to turmoil, from knowing there is still beauty in the world and that we just have to work hard to get through this moment, to wanting to use my powers for evil. I'm so angry at the universe that I physically want to punish it! But I can't, so instead I'll punish myself and those closed to me. If I must feel like I'm in hell, then why not become the devil? At least own it!!!! And maybe it's time that I did. If the universe will cause me so much hurt and anger why not use it to my own advantage? Why not turn this hell into my own playground, with my own rules? Maybe it's time I gave karma a taste of its own medicine.
Someone told me 'god only gives you as much as he thinks you can handle' well, his plan is about to backfire!!!
I can sit and mope about not being able to play with the lightning or I can be inspired by its magnificent power!!! So I'm making a choice, now it's all about me!
I thought being this angry at the world would make me weaker, make me small and vulnerable, but it hasn't, if anything it's done the opposite, it's made me stronger, given me an inner power I never knew existed. It's made me more selfish, but it's what I need. Now it's all about me, what I need to be as a mother, what I need to be as a daughter, but most of all, what I need to be as me.
I need to be me, and if that means being selfish or detached. Then so be it. I'm putting up my defences, I might not be able to play with the lightning but I'm gonna get damn close to it!!!
I've always worried what other people think, what they will say. Well no more, now they can worry what I think or say. I'm not going to fight to be in people's lives, if they want to be in mine, let them fight to be, and if they don't then I don't want them in my life!!!!!
I might no be able to play with lightning but I'm gonna bloody stir up a storm!!!!!!
'When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by
Like New Year's Eve, tonight's underway
But tomorrow you'll wake up afraid of the day
'Cause underneath the scars of your broken dreams
An undone war still wages and stings
You fear the year will blow
Like a breeze through a rainbow
You swear it's there, but you can't grab a hold
So you sit and cry and wonder why, why...
When all of your tears dry, let your troubles roll by
So many cities and windows and lives
And through each one there's a soul that strives to survive
So pay no mind, my sorrow's fine
The day is a live and that's why I cry
It's a New Year's toast, grab your list to conspire
The last snake hissed as he was thrown in the fire
You've come far, and though you're far from the end
You don't mind where you are, cause you know where you've been' -
Carbon Leaf 'let your troubles roll by'
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It will be five weeks since we've talked to each other on Friday. (Although I'm sure I text you last week while I was drunk saying I loved you but bar that, lol.) I feel lost without you. I can't stop thinking about you. I feel numb.
I want to try and move on about I can't. I just can't. This place I live in reminds me of you all the time. Everything we did together is just a constant reminder and I want to run away and start again, somewhere with no memories. It's hard not to think about you as I have OCD and the more I try not to think about you, the more you come into my mind.
Almost like you're haunting me. That beautiful smile of yours. I couldn't believe a girl like you let a lad like me into your life. I still feel so lucky. You're the most gorgeous person ever and I love you so much.
I've told other girls in the past I've loved them but something was different with you. I saw a future with you. I never had that feeling before. I could have seen myself getting married to you and having kids. That was the difference.
But I messed up. My biggest regret of my whole life. I will carry this with me forever. You were my biggest opportunity to be happy and I literally threw it away.
I lost my job three weeks ago. I don't know if you know or even care? I've turned to self harm for the first time in my life, starting doing drugs again and drinking so much alcohol it's unreal.
But none of this will get you back. Nothing will get you back now. You've clearly moved on and I'm sorry I hurt you. We had so much potential.
I will always love you and there isn't a moment that goes by where I don't miss you.
Thank you and I'm sorry.
Hi everyone well its a year on since I fell apart and was a prisoner to my ocd.a lot has happened, I was a bridesmaid for my friend last year and the day went really well.I started a new job,I moved out but I am moving back again,I am also at college now studying councilling,my cbt group finished and I am now on my own at beating my ocd. I have become to accept the ocd I try not to engage witht the thoughts I can't say they have gone or arnt there because they are but I learn to recognise them and not to give in. I can't say I succeed everytime, I think having a disgnosis has helped me, I want to say thankyou to you all that helped me I will never forget your kind words and your williness to help. I look back a year ago and I can't believe how much has changed, how I never thought things would get better. I am still on thr road to recovery I still have my down days but I am fighting!!!
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I have two main health 'complaints', and seem to worry about one if not the other (or something else creeps in to worry about!). Feel very anxious about the older health 'complaint' at the moment. Try to distract myself by doing nice things, and hopefully some useful things too -- like watching interesting TV programmes and applying for work, but find getting to sleep and spaces between things hard. Was trying to get a wee knap earlier, but couldn't stop thinking, and panicking a little. Partly it's the feeling of guilt and blame, and partly, perhaps more pragmatically, it's the worry of having to live with the 'complaint' (and it getting worse), and then the worry about the worry (perhaps), which seems a bit crazy. Magical thinking in part determines what will happen -- it can be calming if things ('tests') go your way, or panicking, the deep 'sinking' feeling, if they don't. In part, I want to live my life and see what happens, and try things, and do things, and not worry so much, but partly I wish I could just die so I don't have to worry about this -- if I'm dead then obviously the 'complaint' (and 'complaints') won't exist. And I won't have to feel ashamed (if I felt anything at all/there was a concept of 'I' then). Quid pro quo. (Though of course the death couldn't be self-inflected either!) I don't really want to die, it's just the feeling of no alternative. Though there's always the argument of adapting and making the best of a situation; marching on as you will and embracing the future, however diminished it has become. Another thing is the thought of having to live with it till I die, and as dying seems quite scary, the thought of things getting worse and worse and then going over the precipace (which is into the great void, of course). Keep on checking the symptoms of this one, and have been to doctor loads of times to check... each one says he/she can't see anything, but the last one alluding to something no one could check... and I have these symptoms... not sure if the GPs see it as a big thing, but I'm worried either 1) specialists will think it's a problem; 2) if I'm not careful it'll get much worse and I'll deteriorate. And I'll be alone. Maybe that's what I'm scared of -- being alone. Just a thought.
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So i thought id write a little update,i havent been on here for a while,Dont think ive forgot you guys i have just been really busy. I am still attending the ocd group,and it has now just broken up over christmas ive met some good people all with different types of ocd, also similar to mine,i feel that it has helped and i am now a different person compared to all them months ago, i cant say that my ocd has vanished because it hasnt however i am trying my best to manage it, i also have a new job now, and i work alone most of the time so, this is also a new challenge where ocd is trying its best to haunt me,I feel a lot happier in myself though and am gaining confidence, sometimes i laugh at how silly ive been and i cant believe how thoughts can seem so real and get out of control.I notice on a bad day how my thoughts can be so negative and spiral out of control, i have learnt that,just because we have these thoughts doesnt mean we want them, i just try my best not to entertain them, and your anxiety does go down. Also keeping busy helps, its when im alone with my thoughts thats when they can seem to get me down.
I hope to help people with what i have learnt and i am also learning everyday, looking back i never thought i would of made it here so it is possible, hold on to that faith....x x
Have been doing fantastically for a few months now, - i do still have obsessive thoughts but the strength and frequency is minimal. Saying that today i had some anxiety and weird thoughts like "maybe you don't really love your children" and other related thoughts. Never had these kind of thoughts before and they did freak me out a bit. I quickly remembered to stop trying to reassure myself that i do love them etc and just got on with something i enjoyed. As always the anxiety died down and the thoughts are shown in their true nature = ocd looking for a place to exist.
Ocd seems to pick on what we find most disturbing - the anxiety makes the impossible seem possible and it's such a scary place when your stuck in the depths of it. To anyone reading this please do learn and master the four steps, it will enable you to start to rebuild your life.
Over and out
Just what I DON'T need right now...... My partner of 10 years, and my soul mate, just left me.
If I didn't feel like a ****-up before, I certainly do now. I can't expect anyone to take me on with my issues, so I guess I will stay single now
I don't really know why i am writing this on here, I just need to get it out.
I am so fed up of people putting me down and lying. I find it hard to see things are good at the moment but this just makes it worse. I am glad I have all the lovely, friends i have made on the forum. They are what help me through.
I am feeling down and have so much pressure on me. People know they are putting pressure on me but they still dont stop. I was asked yesterday if I could do the financial accounts for the house.
I also dont see the point in going to college and then uni anymore as its only for a job that i might only do for 20 years and I feel that is a waste of my time. I dont really know what to think at the moment.