NoahsArk

@FalseAlarm Thank you! Just this evening I was watching a video on the fundamental shift in thinking that Descartes started so I plan on learning more about that. I will also check out your recommendations.

@deValentin Thanks again. I'd be interested to hear at some point what you thought about the book and the movie.

@FalseAlarm Thanks that's an intereresting way for me to look at it! Neat that you like linear algebra as well! If you have any suggested resources for learning it please let me know!

Thanks @deValentin. Quest for the Absolute sounds very interesting and I put it on my to read list. I wasn't sure about the last two sentences in the first paragraph that you wrote: "If he fully approved his sacrifices, why did he need a successful search to justify them?" I think that if he was able to communicate his discovery to others and the discovery benefitted society, then at least arguably his sacrifices would have been worth it. His initial decision to make the sacrifices is complicated and I think depends on the chances of his success- in my opinion those things are generally not worth sacrificing family over but it's a complicated decision and I can see validity in the opposite opinion. "If he felt ambivalent about them, why believe that successful results would appease his conscience in the long term?" If I am not misunderstanding, I think successful results might at least make him feel the sacrifices were worth it. I actually recently finished reading Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl! It was very interesting, and I had been meaning to read it for a long time. On a little bit of a side note which your mention of Frankl Reminded me of, there is a new film out now- Zone of Interest, which I'd highly recommend checking out if you haven't heard of it already.

I recently got a new book about linear algebra to try and learn the subject. I don't have a math background, but have taught myself a lot from reading and sites like Khan Academy. It' s a pretty abstract area since it deals with many dimensions and not just the three that we live in. It's also heavily behind artificial intelligence so is very relevant today. The book took an interesting angle from other things I read/watched about linear algebra so far, and I started to get some ideas/questions. The first part I started to read was about the most efficient way of solving multiple equations with many unknowns. One of the questions I had inspired me and I thought for a moment that if I pursue the answer to this question it could contribute something unique and original to the subject- or if I even just posed the question on a public forum it could lead someone else to pursue the answer which would lead to a contribution. Just posing the question itself, I thought, would have been an a way for me to share an original idea even if there was never an answer to it. Before I could write it down though, I was distracted by another thought and by the sound of a text message alert. When I then tried to remember the question I intended to write down I couldn't remember it. I thought about it and thought about it yesterday and today but can't remember. Now I'm thinking an important idea that I had is lost. I've been going through a lot of stress and uncertainty lately in various aspects of my life, and I'm not sure if that is contributing to me getting stuck on this, but in my mind right now I lost a great opportunity to preserve an interesting idea. I'm big on preservation of things like photos and family videos, and get very nostalgic about things. I also place a big emphasis on creativity. In my mind, something important is now lost which I may never remember. What's going on in my mind? It's an unpleasant state to be in. Thanks

@PemB ok that makes sense! I appreciate your help. Happy New Year!

Thank you that is helpful! Just to clarify: I’m not worried about losing a match because I repeat the same question that I asked someone else. I worry that I will lose a match if I only communicate with one person (the one I intend to meet first) and stop communicating with others pending my interactions with the one I am going to meet.

@deValentin That makes sense and is a good way to put it!

@deValentin Interesting how OCD makes us so attached to things (in this case an idea that we feel we can't lose).

Thank you @PemB It's hard for me to draw the line because I am still in the pre-meet phase with both of them. Jenna seems like a much better match and I will probably only meet her. Ideally I would only be messaging one person at a time who I am interested in on these apps until I either decide to be with that person (in which case I would not need to message others anyway) or until it doesn't work out at which point I can continue swiping to meet someone else. I worry though that if I've matched with multiple people and then stop talking to all of them except one, with the idea that I intend to meet the one on a date, then if for whatever reason the date doesn't work out, I may have lost the matches with the others because they will have moved on. What I may do, though, is still to focus on just one person if I think they are a good match and only communicate in depth with them. That way I don't need to worry about pleasantries with others and feel like the barber you used in your example. However, if I do choose to keep communications open with more than one person, how can I allow myself the inevitable repeating of topics of conversation without getting OCD? I do feel like there is an element of the need to have a perfectly genuine feeling conversation at play even though some of the concern is genuine as you mentioned. I appreciate your help!

I can relate to this. It's perfectionism which OCD breeds on. In the middle of a conversation with someone I sometimes don't remember something I wanted to say. Before I would get stcuk trying to remember, now I take things easy and realize it's natural not to remember everything. A few months ago while outside I was feeling down and had some insight which made me feel better (probably an insight I had 100s of times before). I didn't write down the insight and continued with my day. A few days later I remembered I had an insight but couldn't remember specifically what it was and spent days trying to remember. Each attempt at remembering is a compulsion. We over rate how important what we are trying to remember really was. Tell yourself its OCD and try and focus on something positive that you actually enjoy doing or thinking about. It's tough at first but you can start gradually by refocusing for a few minutes then gradually building up. The urge to remember wll come back but when it does just notice it for what it is and continue to refocus and the urge will subside. You can also do a little exposure and just tell yourself something like "I may never remember this thought, yet I'm going to go about my day anyway".

I recently began using dating apps again after a long break (the relationship that was the subject of my most recent posts has amicably ended). I met a woman (I’ll say “Jenna”) on one of the apps who I’ve set up a date with on Tuesday. I’m excited to meet her- she’s a scientist and seems intelligent and friendly. Like me, she has one child who’s her only child (mine is 17 y/o and her’s is 9). We just matched yesterday morning. Her first question to me was if I have any New Year’s resolutions. I thought that was a good conversation starter because it made me reflect on my goals, and I asked her the same question. That same evening I matched with someone else on the app (I’ll say “Lisa”). Until I’ve started seeing someone regularly at least a few times, I want to keep connections with a few people open to see how things work out. Lisa started the chat just by saying hi. I wanted to start a conversation so I thought to also ask her what her New Year’s resolutions/goals were. I thought though that if I do that I’d be copying Jenna’s question and it would make the conversation more robotic and less sincere with Lisa, and would also make things less genuine with Jenna when we meet since I’ll feel now like some sort of assembly line repeating the same things with people. I’ll feel less genuine if I talk about the same things on different dates. Is this the “need to be perfect” OCD? There are some topics that it’s natural to talk about with multiple people. New Year’s resolutions is one of them, especially since it’s the New Year! It seems very difficult to talk about completely different things with each person we meet. I don’t have this issue with men either. For example, just today I told my father that I’m taking an online class, and we talked about it. Then, I met a friend for lunch and I told him about the same online class that I’m taking. I didn’t at all feel uneasy about talking about the same subject with my dad and then later with my friend. Dates with someone new tend to trigger my OCD. Should I even purposely talk about the same things more than I usually would as an exposure? I’d appreciate any advice on how I should approach this situation like mindfulness techniques, etc. Thank you and Happy New Year!

Thank you Snowbear! I’ve definitely been having a ton of ruminations over the past few days. I think the fact that I haven’t been able to exercise as usual lately due to a rib injury is making the ruminations worse. The injury wasn’t severe though (I fell skateboarding), and I should be back to normal in a few weeks.

I am following up on a few other posts during the last month about a woman, "Sarah", that I'm in a new relationship with. She’s becoming a special someone for me. On Friday evening we had our fifth meet and went out for drinks for the first time. On our initial few dates she was more reserved, but on our last two meets, especially the last one, she was much more open and warmed up to me. We went to a place that had lots of private seating areas. She told me a lot of new things about her life and her struggles, including the dramas of the only two long term relationships she’s had in the past- one with a woman and one with a man. On the meeting before last she told me she’s bisexual. On Friday I listened attentively to her and she asked me if there was anything more I wanted to know about her. She was also asking me a lot of questions. About an hour into our meet- she gave me her first compliment about my appearance and said I have nice eyes. That made me feel close and connected to her, which I showed, since she never expressed any feeling about me before in that way. Everything went well for the first 2 hours or so, and we actually had only one drink each at the first place. We then went to a second bar/lounge where we each got a second drink. I don’t tolerate alcohol well, and more than two drinks is tough for me. We continued to have an intimate conversation and things were going well there too. Then, though, the waiter came and said: “bring you another drink?” and winked at me. I impulsively said yes, which I think was a mistake. I had been sitting across from Sarah but then asked if I could sit next to her (she was sitting on the sofa side of the table and I was sitting on the chair. I think that was a good move on my end since the proximity created more intimacy, but then the third drink got in me. I’m hoping some of the things I said after that didn’t ruin it. I was being very silly. At one point I went in for a kiss and she just turned her head and smiled. She said had we been in private she might have considered it. I joked that no one in the table next to us was watching since they were all fully engaged with each other, and then specifically mentioned a woman with long hair and glasses who was at that table. I jokingly asked Sarah if she thought that lady was a voyeur and wanted to see us kiss. I also asked Sarah if she’s ever been with more than one person at the same time. I asked this kind of jokingly- it’s not because it’s something I had any fantasy about relating to Sarah. The worse thing, though, was that right as we were leaving, I had realized, from the voice of the woman at the next table, that she was actually a man: I said to Sarah in my drunken state and got close to her face so only she would hear me: “I can’t believe it, that woman with the glasses is actually a man”. This bothered Sarah and without saying much she proceeded out the door (we had been leaving anyway”. I followed her too, and, realizing she was bothered, I told her something like: “I just said that because it caught me off guard”. She said: “you don’t know how that person identifies (i.e. whether they identify as a man or a woman). I feel like now, at least in Sarah’s eyes, I said something that unintentionally was insensitive about the sexual identity of the woman at the other table (by calling her a man). I also feel like a acted a bit immature. Anyways, I was supposed to give Sarah a ride home but I wanted to let the alcohol wear off. I felt she was in a rush so I told her I wouldn’t be offended if she took an uber home which she did and we said our good byes and I gave her a hug. Could my comments have ruined it? I am worried that the woman at the next table might have even heard me. I am in one of the most liberal cities in the world, and Sarah works at a very liberal college. That combined with her being bi-sexual and likely having thought a lot about sexual identity issues and struggles may have made my comment offensive to her. Had I not been drunk I likely wouldn’t exercised more restraint. Just to add a whole other layer of complexity here, I am still living with my daughter's mom. My daughter is 17, and my wife and I for the last 7 years or so have been living together as friends, with a sort of don't ask don't tell policy, because we didn't want to separate before our daughter graduated from high school. I told Sarah this and she was ok with it. In any event, though, my daughter mom had called me past midnight when I was with Sarah, and Sarah saw this. She smiled and said "She's wondering where you are". I told her she calls me sometimes to just remind me of things. It turned out that why she was really calling is that she didn't want me to wake her up when I got home, which is why she wanted me to come soon. I am worried that even though Sarah knew before that I was living with with my daughter's mom still, seeing her call me past midnight might have made Sarah think that I wasn't telling the truth about us livin together just as friends. Should I be worried about this. Sorry- I know there are a bunch of questions in this post. It's a complicated situation I am trying to navigate. Thanks!

That's just self punishment. There is no outside force punishing you. Even if you did have a thought you are not proud of, thoughts themselves aren't crimes. There is a reason why society chose not to punish mere thoughts. Imagine someone in court and being charged with having a specific thought. It sounds humorous right? It's easier to see when you like at it from the side.

@BEEKO Thank you!

@BEEKO Oh I see. I didn’t look up her information to like try and follow her around or anything. I just looked it up to make sure she had no criminal background and no history of being involved in a lot of lawsuits.

@BEEKOThank you. What do you mean by "as long as it doesn't lead to something negative?".

This is clearly OCD. Are you seeking therapy for it?

Recently I was reading about existentialism, and I think it might be helpful in your situation. One of the principles is that you could have done wrong everyday of your life in the past, but you can still choose to do right today. I've had a similar experience where I've felt little motivation of doing well since I had messed up a lot in the past (why try to become "good" if I'm already tainted?). I realized, though, that that's just ego. The point of doing well is not so you can now be called a good person- it's because you are helping others by doing so. It's not about points. If someone robbed a bank ten times in the past, they can still choose not to rob it the next time, and it would be wrong for the robber to say: "Oh well, I am already a robber so I might as well continue". This person can do right this time for the people in this bank. You can even go as far as to say you become a different person by changing your acts, and some say we are all different people in different stages. Edit- so I just read up your other recent post, and even the things you think you did wrong in the past are just obsessions and not actual wrongdoing (at least for the most part since we've all done wrong). In sum, even if you actually did do wrong you can still do right today, and most of the things you think you did wrong are just false alarms.

My most recent post was about a new relationship that I'm in. We've been on three dates so far, and the last one I enjoyed a lot. I know (and correct me if I'm wrong), that it's normal for partners in a relationship to google one another. However, I feel like I went further than that and am not feeling right about it. Anyone can do a public records search on anyone else- usually the cost is around $20, and you can get things like any criminal record that the person has, or any judgments that entered against the person. For my work I have a free subscription to one of these online search services. This evening I couldn't resist the urge to look her up. She came back with no negative record. Had I just searched her on google (which I did also), I wouldn't have felt this way, but I feel like I crossed the line by doing a public records search which requires more effort than someone would normally be willing to go through (even though it's free for me, I still had to go through more steps like logging into the website, getting a text security confirmation that it's me, etc.). I feel like what I did showed distrust in her and I am worried that when we're together I'll feel like I'm hiding something from her which will make me lose my confidence. I also have a negative feeling like I was stalking her. Was this really stalking or is it ocd for me to think I was? Another problem is that I have a compulsion to be truthful about almost everything on a date so I worry I will feel compelled to tell her that I looked her up in my public records search software! Obviously, that wouldn't help my chances of succeeding in a relationship with her. Even when people google each other they don't say that they did. I'd appreciate some help in overcoming this. Thanks!

@snowbear Thank you so much! This is so helpful. That's impressive about the Japanese you learned too:)!

@Handy "Red flag center in brain is off, masks are on." Please clarify what you mean. "I don't know why people with untreated OCD get in relationships." I don't think avoiding relationships is the way to handle the situation (just like OCD shouldn't prevent anything from doing what they enjoy). I think having a relationship despite the OCD and working on dealing with the anxiety to get stronger is the recommended approach.

@Jen124m @snowbear Sorry- I didn't mention that a few months ago this therapist did say something regarding another early relationship that I was in and told me basically not to pursue it because the woman showed signs she didn't want to be in a relationship. Other people I had discussed the situation with previously had a different opinion. Anyway, it really brought me down since he's my therapist and I put a lot of weight to what he says. Even if I assume the worst about the way his most recent comment should be interpreted, does him making an opinion about how the relationship will go justfiy me in losing confidence over the situation, or should my confidence be independent of his predictions on how it will go? My friend told me today that I need to feel confident and that the girl is lucky to be going out with me (he's cheering me up, but I want to be confident anyway). My therapist is an ocd specialist, not a predictor of how a relationship will go. So, if he really did say something negative, how should I deal with it? People in positions of authority like therapists have a big influence on their patients, which is playing heavily into this. Update I just confirmed plans with her for tomorrow. I now have more ocd about something else- This is gonna sound funny, but the anxiety from the new relationship is high. We are meeting tomorrow for dinner. I suggested a place called Fu Ga Kyu which is a Japanese restaurant. Now I’m obsessing that the name of the place sounds like someone saying the F word to someone else, and that this will taint our conversation and make it hard for me to say anything memorable or expressive there. Would someone without OCD care about the name of the restaurant? It's a good place otherwise. I almost want to change the location, but fear that would be a compulsion.

@Jen124m Thanks and no worries I understand what you mean now. @snowbear Thanks again.