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About Purplepiper7

  • Birthday 19/05/99

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  • OCD Status

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    Music, math, poetry, neuroscience, robotics, medicine, and astrophysics.

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  1. Mostly I’m just tired I guess, but I suppose my exhaustion is becoming problematic. I can’t concentrate in school because I’m so tired of everything and my grades are suffering as a result. I keep engaging my OCD even when I know I shouldn't. I really do try not to, but it’s like there’s an antagonistic voice in my head hounding me into action, and sometimes I give in because I just can’t find the strength not to. That said, I suppose my life would me much easier if I were to reject this idea of goodness, but really, it doesn’t belong to me. I don’t actually believe that I have to be perfectly moral or kind or whatever to be a decent human being. I only feel this way, despite being aware of how utterly ridiculous it is. I don’t know. It’s whatever I guess. Thanks a bunch.
  2. I have tried so desperately hard to resist engaging with any thoughts that even slightly make me think that they might be related to OCD, but right now, I just can’t. Sometimes, I’ll be completely relaxed, or at least reasonably calm, and then in the next moment, I’ll feel like I’m being yelled at. In that instant, it’s so much easier to just argue, to try and push any discomfort away, than it is to do the logical thing, which is to resist so as not to give any credence to whatever’s bothering me. Obviously, I want to get better, and for months I took the logical path and was mostly fine, but right now, I’m exhausted. I don’t quite enjoy feeling like a bad person, and I suppose that no one really does, but sometimes I just can’t stand it and want nothing more than for that feeling to go away.
  3. Hello everyone. It’s been a while. Overall, I’ve been doing really well, but I’ve been struggling for the past few days. Long story short, I was on a band trip. I was really tired, someone was getting on my nerves (through no fault of their own; I was just irritable due to my tiredness), so I handled the situation in the worst way possible – through snide, derisive remarks about this person’s intellect. So yeah, I was wrong. I got some sleep, I came to my senses, I apologized, multiple times. Good and done, right? No, wrong. It’s been nearly a week since the incident and I can hardly think about anything else before returning to it. I know I’m not blameless here; the things I said were unnecessary and unkind, and I shouldn’t ever treat anyone like that. But I don’t have a time machine. I can’t go back to that day and change anything that happened. I’ve done all that I can. Mind you, this person is completely over it; not only have they forgiven my rudeness, but they speak to me as if I never even spoke a word. Still, the question remains: why can’t I get over it too? On one hand, I’m completely aware that I’m being absolutely ridiculous. I’m not perfect. I am allowed to make mistakes. I am expected to make mistakes. I should be free to make mistakes without being punished to this extent. On the other hand, I feel so incredibly guilty about how I spoke to this person. Part of me feels like I deserve to feel this way, that if I don’t want to suffer, then I should try harder to be a better person. I suppose there’s nothing wrong with trying to better oneself, but I’ve been down this road before, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that nothing is ever good enough. No matter what I do, I’m always the worst person alive. When I really sit and think about what’s happening here, I get a little annoyed. I was perfectly fine. It’s the little things that get you. They pull you in and don’t let go. Such is life, I guess.
  4. 17 y/o ocd problem

    Hello ? I'm 18 years old, and I've suffered from OCD since I was really young (like elementary/primary school young), so I truly do understand what you're going through, having to go to school and such. I think the most important thing to understand when dealing with intrusive thoughts is that they're just thoughts, nothing more. They have no impact on real world happenings. That said, it's important that we acknowlege the thoughts whenever they happen – trying to neutralize or negate them doesn't do anything other than make them worse. Doing such things kind of tricks our brains into thinking that these thoughts are important. If you were to congratulate someone on winning a game, only for that person to spout, "I didn't cheat or anything!", you would immediately become suspicious of that person's gameplay, would you not? Well, it's kind of the same with intrusive thoughts. If you think, "I only passed this test because I didn't repeat an action the other day," then proceed to reassure yourself of your fairness or repeat more actions in the future, then you've just made your brain think, "oh, they must be cheating then because they're trying too hard to deny it." Anyway, I don't know if that made any sense or not, but my point is that you have to acknowlege any intrusive thoughts and then actively reject their importance, almost as if you're saying, "this may be true, but I really don't care either way." If you're feeling particularly brave, you may even consider agreeing with the thought, telling yourself that it is absolute truth. Either way, the trick is to tell yourself these things multiple times, and eventually the thoughts will stop making you really anxious. In fact, in my case, after a while, I thought some of mine were pretty funny. "Bad things are happening to people, therefore you shouldn't smile or laugh, lest you be relishing in the pain of others." Like what the heck, that doesn't even make sense. ? So anyway, it's good that you said you'll never give up. We're young, luckier than some – our brains are still developing, which makes it easier for us to get out I think, and we still have time. Our lives aren't over. Heck, they've barely begun. If you need anything, I'll be around. In the meantime, I suggest you find a hobby if you don't have one. Find something that you're good at and that you enjoy, then work to make yourself the best at it. This makes fighting OCD immeasurably less painful, and it allows you to work towards getting better at something other than OCD dealings, while giving you something that will sustain you once your fight had slowed. I wish you the best of luck.
  5. i feel really bad - please help

    Yeah... It's just hard sometimes.
  6. I was going to say that I don't know what to do, but I do know what to do, I'm just having trouble doing it. My mom bought me a new phone because I dropped my old one and it doesn't function anymore. I feel like I should ask her to cancel the order, but I don't really want her to do that. I think I'd feel better if I didn't actually want the thing. I'm reasonably certain that wanting a new phone doesn't exactly make me a terrible person. I should probably stop thinking about it and enjoy time off of school like a normal person. God...
  7. Negative: I had a horrible day at school. I was having very graphic, very disturbing thoughts about harming people, to the point where I basically refused to go to class, so I got sent to ISS, which is basically detention that takes place during the school day, because I was being insubordinate. Every time I refuse to go to class, I will be sent to ISS, but if I'm honest, I don't really care. I'm tired of dealing with OCD, and I'm tired of hearing other people complain to me about how difficult it is for them to deal with me. Positive: I had a chicken sandwich for dinner, and it was delicious. I also went on a walk, and it was nice. I like the cold weather.
  8. Achievement thread

    Oh, like a garden decoration? Why would you want to eat one of those?
  9. Or you can watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special.
  10. Achievement thread

    You ate a penguin!?
  11. Latest bad worry

    Why not go and see your neice? Even if you don't feel anything, she probably wants to meet you, and you may feel something once you see her.
  12. School

    That must've been awful. My OCD started affecting my schoolwork when I was in 4th grade. It got a little bit better in 6th grade, but towards the end of 7th grade, it got much worse; since then, things have been going downhill. I'm going to do what you said (I'm practicing right now). I'm just getting frustrated, because things that worked earlier this year aren't working now.
  13. School

    Thanks PolarBear. I try to resist engaging with my OCD, but I always end up giving into it. I know that it takes practice and all, but teachers don't wait for you to catch up. It's kind of like one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situations, because when I engage with my OCD, I'm distracted, and if I ignore my OCD, then I can't focus. You said that you've had OCD since you were a teenager, right? Did you have similar problems? How did you deal with it during school?
  14. School

    Yes, that's what I mean. I'm seeing a psychologist at the moment, and he's been helping me with mindfulness meditation. We've been working of breathing exercises for about 3 weeks, now, and they're really helpful when dealing with sensory overload, but not so helpful when I'm trying to focus on class instead of engaging with my OCD.
  15. School

    At school, my OCD is more difficult to deal with because there are triggers everywhere, and I can't exactly get up and play my clarinet in the middle of Algebra, nor can I pull out my cell phone and play solitaire in the middle of Geography. My mom gets upset because she'll get in trouble if I don't go to school, and that's a very valid reason to be upset, but nothing that I've tried to do to handle it works. Writing in my journal doesn't help, and neither does taking a 5-10 minute break from class. Using a stress ball doesn't work, either. Listening to music is beneficial, but those stupid earbuds that I'd have to use hurt my ears. I asked for headphones (you know, the ones that cover your entire ear), but those are pretty expensive, and my mom said that you can't use them during class, anyways. Some people think that I'm making excuses, but I'm having a lot of trouble and I was wondering if any of you had any suggestions.