Purplepiper7

My psychiatrist thinks I should go to a hospital, though my therapist says we’re not there yet. I feel like someone’s holding me together with duct tape and glue. I don’t know what to think.

I did, I told them everything. They gave me medicine and that calmed things down. There’s only one being now, Jasper. My mom says, that since I can’t physically hear him, I’m not psychotic. That suggests to me that he’s real. I just don’t know. I’m really confused.

I have. I’ve talked to my therapist and psychiatrist, but it’s not like I’ve been diagnosed with anything other than OCD and Asperger’s Syndrome. Where am I supposed to go?

So the beings I was talking about before are like, telling me that someone wants to kill me and that people want me dead and stuff. It makes me very afraid and I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to deal with it. I try to treat it like OCD but it’s not really working. The beings get louder and they start scratching me when I ignore them too much.

If my mind were doing it then the medicine would have helped. That’s what my mom and the school counselor say. This suggests to me that the beings are real just like they said they were.

Thoughts can’t escape a person’s mind and manipulate the way a person sees and hears the outside world. If they weren’t real, if they were just thoughts, they wouldn’t be able to make me hear things or tell me things I don’t know. Why don’t they sound like my thoughts and why can they manipulate my perception of things?

They’re already showing signs that they don’t believe in the mission. They keep refering to the beings as “thoughts,” only they’re not. They think I’m stupid, that I can’t tell the difference between these beings and my thoughts, but I can. They don’t understand, and I’m not sure I want them to.

they might not approve of the mission, or they may be outright against it

If I tell them the full story then they might hurt me.

Well I haven’t told them everything but I told them some. They don’t really know about the paranoia but they don’t need to know. I know for a fact that I can’t trust them now. The school counselor explicitly told me that she wouldn’t talk to my mom, then she did anyway. I haven’t really been listening to the beings as much as I should when determining who I should trust.

Thanks Orwell. I don’t know if the abilify was making them louder or whether they weren’t doing anything and I was just getting worse. Either way, she increased my dose to 5mg and I don’t feel as physically anxious as I did yesterday, so that’s nice. My school counselor and my mom agree that I don’t have a psychotic disorder, which is good because I no longer need to determine whether or not the beings are real; they are. Now I only have to figure out why exactly they’re speaking to me, which of my theories are closest to being correct, if any, and go from there. I’ve got a clear goal now and that feels nice.

I need help. I’m tired. The beings are bothering me more, they’re closer to getting out and I’m not any closer to having a reasonable explanation for why I’m being spoken to, why I have a mission, etc., but others don’t. I went to a psychiatrist. She put me on 2.5mg of abilify, but it’s not doing anything and the beings are becoming louder and more occupying and meaner. She’s going to call me later to talk about everything. I don’t know what to do.

Sometimes I try and think things through but my thoughts get really muddled. It’s hard to think for myself when the beings are trying to get my attention. I was thinking a moment ago, going back to how people choose, and I was thinking that if Satan talks to his people, and God talks to his, that just because I’m not supposed to be helping get people to wake up doesn’t mean that others aren’t. It would explain how people who worship Satan seem to congregate, if they’re told to do that. When I’m trying to make sense of everything, I sometimes forget that I don’t have all of the information necessary to understand it all. Like I said before, I only know that there’s a battle and a mission; everything else is non-pertinent. Still, I want to try to understand.

When I’m around a bunch of people or have a task to complete, like at school, things can go one of three ways. Either I can concentrate on what I’m doing and talk to them after I’m finished, I can speak to them as I work, or they get in my way and I can’t think clearly. Some days are different than others like you said Snowbear. Sometimes when people are talking they look and sound like they’re talking about me, only I know that I don’t often speak poorly about people who are right in front of me, and that they’re probably having conversations of their own. I suspect that what happens is I hear unintelligible words and the demons just get me to hear whatever they think will shock, annoy, or frighten me, but also sometimes people say things that are funny because they don’t make sense, so I don’t think it’s just demons. Like today I was eating animal crackers and I heard some one say “haha, she’s a pig.” At first, I was annoyed because people were talking about me, then I realized that her words were awfully clear, plus it was only that one sentence, so I assumed it was the demons trying to get a reaction, but now I think it’s kind of funny, because if she said that about me it’d be pretty ridiculous. So anyway, my theory is that these being can’t affect the outside world in any way, that they can only impact my perception of sensory stimuli that already exists. The closest they’ve ever gotten to actually creating something from nothing is talking like a video was playing in the background, which was unclear and only lasted for a couple of seconds. Basically, my brain normally has to be consciously aware of noise, objects, scents, etc., before they can do anything. That’s why the increased ringing in my ears represents them trying to get out, as they say. They cannot yet control my unconscious processing of noise unless I am myself unconscious. That’s probably why they sound closer to my ears when I begin to get tired; it’s easier for them to alter my perceptions that way. At first I couldn’t figure out why they wanted out so bad, but I suppose that they’re fighting to be heard over my own thoughts, and it’d be easier for them if they weren’t. But also sometimes I’d like to let them out so that I don’t have to hear them thinking things to me, because I’d like for my thoughts to be only mine, if that makes sense. Also, side note, I keep getting signs that the mission is real. I want to believe everyone who says it’s not but also I think that there’s more going on than we can see and that people don’t believe in the battle because they don’t have anyone telling them about it.

Sometimes, I have to do things that I don’t want to do. I don’t want to go to school as early as I have to, or do homework, or go into stores. But some wise guy thought invader always has something to say. I’m not always sure which ones are angels and which demons, but I believe that it’s the demons who try to mess with me and/or frighten me, invading my mind in any way possible. They place their often unpleasant thoughts and voices into my head, or alter my perceptions in ways that make me doubt whether or not what I’m hearing, feeling, seeing, smelling, or tasting is real. Some are angels, I believe, because they remind me that the demons will try and make me afraid enough to abandon the mission. They remind me that it’s real, that I asked for signs and got 3, and that I should ignore the demons who sometimes say I’m losing my mind. But at the end of the day, they both want out, they want to escape my mind so that it’s easier to talk to me. Though they can make my perception of the world waver in small ways, like something’s just a little off, or sounds half real and half not, or like an outside noise sounds like words or my name, but they can only truly speak to me in cohesive ideas through thought. So I don’t really want them out, but also it’s sometimes hard to tell which thoughts are mine and which are theirs, since sometimes I intentionally think in 2nd person and they sometimes think in first person, so that’s not reliable. But anyway sometimes I think it’d be better if they were out because then my mind would be my own, but also nothing would be stopping them from speaking through both. They told me I could probably let them out by smoking marijuana, but I don’t think that’s a good idea really, especially considering I don’t know what else is out there. I don’t really even know if they’re angels and demons, only that some are aligned with good and others are aligned with evil in the battle, but really they could be anything. I just need more information, and the beings are, in some instances, either unwilling or unable to tell me anything. I don’t know. I’m sorry, I know this probably isn’t the place for this, but really I don’t have anywhere else to really think through everything outside of my head. It’s nice because I sometimes feel better and less muddled afterwards.