Benster

Bulletin Board User
  • Content count

    81
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About Benster

  • Birthday 13/05/02

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    England, United Kingdom
  • Interests
    Hockey, rounders, cricket, Horse Riding, Music, YouTube, minecraft, sims, all that sorta stuff but most off all... Minion rush! (And other sorts of App Store Apps as well!)

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Anxiety/Depression, Intrusive thoughts, Rituals, Magical Thinking.

Recent Profile Visitors

320 profile views
  1. Hey, i've been a bit in-and-out on this forum for the past few years but I'm glad to say that at the start of this year I took it up on myself to get some help when I began experiencing previously overcome anxieties. However, I have been told that the waiting list for CBT is quite long and although I am seeing someone until I get in, the sessions are usually talking about the anxieties I am experiencing instead of something of a CBT nature. But the point of this post is, does anyone who has overcome the themes variating around sexuality, harm, gender etc got any survival tips? I've read on a number of different sites different things, so not really sure what to believe. Also don't really want to go searching through all the said sites because I always end up in that reassurance cycle. Thanks in Advance
  2. so since the last time I posted, I've been back on track and happy (independently, without the use of medication or anything) but a week or so ago, the "trans" OCD returned, but it's a little different this time. Let me just mention, I first put this thought off (and also laughed in its face) because I thought it was just because of sexuality. The fear this time is not only based on fear of transitioning to female, but also being trans itself. As a child, I NEVER had any gender issues, and if you asked 10-year-old me if I thought I would ever feel the need to become female, I would probably laugh in your face. And, I don't remember feeling female. I can sometimes get "camp" if around friends, usually just to make them laugh or if I'm being sassy (or whatever you want to call it, joking about). A lot of my friends are female, it's how it's always been, and although I have male friends, I'm around females a lot more, so I pick up traits from them (example: things they say). You could probably say I was what a mum would describe as a 'typical teenaged boy', eats a lot, has a messy room, has abit of an attitude, and what (I think) is more of a male trait, getting mad if someone follows your instructions wrong, or stands in the way of you. I enjoy English lessons, ICT and I enjoy sports, but I don't participate much because I'm not very confident, and some other boys can get quite mad if you play on a team and do something wrong. Up until I discovered I was gay in May, I wasn't exactly feminine, so it's more somethimg that's developed since then, and I have an older gay male friend who's quite feminine, and I get quite a few traits or sayings off of him, who, as far as I'm aware isn't transgender. Another trait of mine, what this (or what I hope is) OCD is using against me, is how caring I am for others. For example, (I think this is sort of OCD as well), if I see an 'obese' woman, or a shy girl in public or at school, I feel some form of sympathy for them, or say if I'm on habbo (a virtual game for teens), and I'm socialising on there, and see someone who could potentially get teased, I get an urge to add them as a friend, so I don't forget their username, and I'm not sure why I do any of those. I think it's partially how I was brought up but some 'second voice' sort of thing in my head tells me "it's a female thing to do". I also look back on ALOT of childhood memories to see if I felt female or not then, or to see which role I played. I was (very mildly) into my sisters dolls houses, but I was also into play mobile houses, and I'm now into the Sims, so I think that was more to do with acting out life (or life simulation). My last post was about porn, and I never ever watch straight porn, although I could sometimes get off to lesbian when I thought I were still attracted to girls (and I probably still could, but I wouldn't really want to). I've always thought of myself as male through and through, and it's only since this OCD has returned that I've begun to feel "female", but I think it could be somethimg to do with how much I think about it? I also suffer with tics disorder and have done since I was Year 1 (ages 6/7). And they flared up the same time as the OCD did. And someone once told me they were linked. Thanks, any advice is welcome (but remember- no reassurance as it worsens the issue!) Ben x
  3. Hey Sorry I didn't reply, I haven't logged in since posting this but I just want to thank you both for the advice, I'm happy to say I'm over this now, and I think that hearing that from an adult, instead of mates who also watch, makes it seem like a very much so lesser problem. Thankyou
  4. Do you crack your joints to make it "feel better" or is it like people who tap a door frame several times before walking into the room? Do You get anxious if you don't crack a joint?
  5. Yeah, I've noticed this as well. But another thing I noticed, each time one goes away and it's filled up, (for me they each usually last 1-3 months), the last one always feels like the worst one and I wish that it would be one of the others which is worse, but for the last one I try my best to ignore it (although I'm not sure how easy it will be for everyone else, it was a pain for me).
  6. Thank you - but when this happened before and I watched it, I just felt guilty every time I did it. I know that porn isn't realistic, it's scripted and there's no romantic connection, and I understand about contraception (well, what I need to know for my age, not that I'd need it yet). Despite seeing some graphical stuff, whenever I have a wet dream or anything, it's always what you would consider normal, mild stuff that you only hear about at school. But I think what is triggering OCD the most is when you read about "porn is shaping the brain so in the future, people who watch will become sex addicts" which I'm unsure if is true, but if I'm at an age where I can stop that from happening, eg 13-20, I will jump at the chance to do. But if I do try to "help myself" by stopping, like before, something triggers thoughts that remind me of names of people, companies, or what I've seen, which is what drew me back before, despite the fact I had a filter on, which I think I will be putting back on, so there's a wall between me and it. Thanks for the advice, I'll try both
  7. I've not really posted anything like this before, but this is the second time something like this has happened. I think it's OCD kicking up a fuss. Basically, I've found watching porn a good method of getting rid of that sexual desire if you know what I mean and around last May, I had severe anxiety about 'is porn ruining me'. It all stemmed from just thinking that question. So, I stopped watching porn for 9 WEEKS, I still masturbated but just not to porn, but after the 8/9 weeks, I got back into it again, I was happy and I didn't see any problem. But within the last two days, the anxiety has come back. The first time I watched porn wasn't alone, I was with my sister and her friend and they were two years older than me, so my sisters friend thought "let's watch porn" because she was curious. I think I then went off to do it myself but because I was young, it had no affect on me so I only did it the once. Then people from school began talking about doing it, so I did it (which was ages ago). When I stopped doing it in May, I kept thinking about the things I saw, the names I learned and it didn't really help. When I got back into it, I went in with the "it's my personal choice, my friends all do it and it's an easy release." and I'm not sure why I'm suddenly worrying about this again, it's not had an obvious effect on my life, I'm NOTHING like the people at school who have already engaged in mild sexual acts and I don't plan to yet. You get the idea of what the OCD anxiety does to me, and that's what I think this is. I merely do it because it takes up less time than masturbating with nothing. But I (mistakenly) read a scientific article which stated something like "most teenage boys do it, it's not normal but it's not abnormal". In all honesty, it's great and I don't want to stop, but I just want to be happy, but when I took the break before, I wasn't happy. Is there anyone who had any advice? If you don't want to comment them here, message me please?
  8. I've been there with the "if you don't do something, someone will die". It's no fun. I had to learn to teach myself to stop listening: it does go against our human instinct to not listen to what our mind says, but its your ocd mind saying that stuff and you have to fight back. If you're thinking of telling someone you have OCD, approach them and say "Can I talk to you about something that's really getting to me. I've come to the conclusion I'm suffering OCD and I really need your support.". If they don't understand it at first, allow them to research the disorder or you can show them something. You don't have to explain to them what you're going through just now, because it can be hard to talk about. If you're in school, talk to a trusted teacher (e.g the school learning support coordinator if you're in secondary school or your class teacher if you're not in secondary). I hope this helps and if you need any more tips, ill tell you what I learned from the last 2 years.
  9. Hello TYL. Welcome to the forums! When you are walking up the stairs, Could you try walking with your left leg? Maybe you could try to do it to the beat of a song, right, left, right, left, and repeat this. I understand it's hard, but showing your OCD you're stronger than it may help. With the numbers fear, when an even number pops up, dismiss the thought with a "Yeah, whatever" and try to focus on something else. I'm not a professional, but one thing I've learned from this forum is do NOT reassure yourself. Or, you could contact your GP and they could refer you to a professional?
  10. UPDATE: Every day, I feel differently about this situation. Yesterday, I was completely terrified of the thought of being a pedophile, but this morning as I woke up, I got a thought which said "It will be easier for you if you accept your a pedophile." Which completely confused me. When I was younger, I would NEVER care about getting that extra look at my year 2 classmates whilst getting changed. Also, if I have an erection about something normal and then think about little children, it goes down. Also, my mind went onto "remember when you thought you had "H" OCD two years ago, and then look at your sexuality now." which is scary. I find the thought of children as a sexual object disguising, and I don't look at children or get butterflies like I do with people older than me, or people my age who are attractive. I've never watched child porn or looked at naked children. When I don't have this "fear", I laugh over the thought of me being a pedophile, mainly because it's so ridiculous. Why do I think like this? How do I stop it? Why is my mind trying to convince me I'm some "monster" pedophile when I don't get aroused by the thought of children? Why am I suffering this fear when I'm still a child myself?! I don't even know what I am anymore.
  11. Hiya PolarBear. It's nice to know i'm not the only one. How you described it is how I would also. I'll take on board what you've suggested and let you know how I get on. Thankyou:)
  12. Let me start off by saying I'm not insane. It must've been 3 or so weeks ago when this first popped up in my mind. I was watching the news and it was based in this primary school classroom, and I got a sexual intrusive thought about one of the children there. It disgusted me. It wasn't a "turn on" and there was no arousal. The only thing I felt was a quick cringe and fear of "am I a pedophile?!". This fear is almost stupid because I'm 13! Even though I know I'm not one, it won't go away! After I convinced myself I wasn't, the fear "what if you grow up to be one". It broke me. I can't imagine myself being like that. Yesterday, I took part in a horse event, and in my spare time I was asked to do a few child pony rides (all it is was two laps around a medium sized grass area on lead rope. I suddenly got an intrusive thought about one of the people I was leading round, which led to me other thinking, which led to me picturing a naked child and seeing if it was a turn on or not. It wasn't, but the fear was still there! I didn't feel butterflies when having these thought, it was nothing like the romantic (and sexual) feeling get towards people my age (and mostly older). I have NO interest in sexually harassing a child. My thoughts are turning suicidal- last night I was so close to breaking point. Finally, I want to add, I had no interest in children before these thoughts occurred. It's breaking me. Thanks for reading.
  13. God is loving and you're not displeasing him. You say the feeling that you're displeasing him. That's the OCD making you feel like that. I don't know you but you sound like a great person with a warm heart and the OCD is making you not believe that! I know it's hard, but can you try to 'fight off' the OCD with a 'SO WHAT', for example, "So what if I am displeasing God, he's forgiving and I am stronger than this OCD.". (I'm not saying it's the best possible solution for your OCD mind, but it works for me to a certain extent and I like to help people in the same boat as me (i.e OCD).
  14. Reading through your post and comments on this really does make me feel for you. I'm not sure what to suggest to help, but the first thing that comes to mind is stay strong! You can do it, and everyone who reads this knows you can do it!
  15. I discussed it with my Mum last Thursday/Friday, well I actually wrote it on a piece of paper and her words were "Oh Ben, you really think I would be annoyed at you for something that happened two years ago?" etc. It's not that she let me get away with it or anything, she saw how much it upset me and saw the situation from my point of view. I agree with you on how they aren't orgres and they don't react how I worried they might. And yes, you basically took the words out of my mouth - if I make a mistake which I regret and things along that line, I feel like I need to confess to someone about my mistake e.g my mum, and if I think about other people, no matter who they are, I feel I also need to confess to them. (even though I think I do a good job of fighting the urge to not tell others). That kind of sums up my situation. Thankyou for replying