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star26

Bulletin Board User
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    Colorado, USA

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  1. Hi BigBear, I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and I can relate. My daughter with OCD is 16, and my son (without OCD) is 13. We found that as soon as we started working on disengaging from my daughter's rituals, she turned to her younger brother to get him involved instead. It has been helpful to very clearly state to both of them that he is not to participate, even if she gets really angry and manipulative (which she does). We make a point to remind him that he is not responsible for her, and he needs to take care of himself, and that we are working with her to help her get better. We've encouraged him to go outside or somewhere quiet when things are tough with his sister, and that definitely helps. I don't have great advise on the stress on your marriage, as that is unfortunately something that we continue to deal with ourselves. But it's been 8 years since she was diagnosed and we are still together and happy at times, so all is not lost. Just remind yourselves that this is really hard and confusing work, and try to be forgiving to yourselves and each other. If you can find a therapist and/or book to help you work through it as a family, that will help a lot. Having a clear plan that everyone agrees to ahead of time will make it much easier on all of you. One other small thing you can do is try to get away with your wife periodically and make a rule that you won't discuss the kids while you are out (or even in, after they go to bed if it's too hard to get childcare).
  2. Good for you for not participating in his rituals! That is SO hard to do sometimes, and is also critically important. The suggestions from others on here are good, but I just wanted to chime in and let you know that I am proud of you for being strong about that. Please do take care of yourself and get space from him when it gets too hard.
  3. I can relate! I think that probably everyone here can relate to that feeling - it is so incredibly frustrating how poorly understood this is by people who don't have it, and how it is so commonly joked about. I've been trying to look at it as just something that people are ignorant about, and that if they were educated about it, they wouldn't joke about it. I think there is a time and place to explain to certain people (close friends and relatives), and everyone else I just try to ignore because they just don't understand what they're saying. People who are ignorant say all kinds of hurtful things without meaning to and I don't want to get upset every time I overhear that. I am hopeful that as awareness grows, more people will understand it. I am so sorry about your daughter's social life - I can also understand that, as my daughter has had a lot of lost friendships due to people not understanding her. I am hopeful that she will find more people who care enough to put in the effort to understand her, as she is such an amazing person, which I'm sure your daughter is too (I've found that is a pretty common positive thing about people with OCD). I am so grateful for the good people in her life, and so glad that she has a mother who cares so much about her!
  4. I have read this quote numerous times: "if you think it might be OCD, it is". OCD is tricky and in my experience it likes to morph once you've gotten a handle on it so that it can get back in. The fact that you are so worried about this, the fact that there is that little voice saying "see, you actually like this", the fact that you are testing yourself, the fact that you're saying you don't want to be "that kind of person" - that all sounds like OCD to me. I think it is really important for you to start doing the ERT again, even if it is stressful. This is OCD - don't let it make you think it's not. You are still the same normal guy you've been, OCD is just rearing its head again. You can beat it!
  5. I am so sorry to hear about your experience - I have a teenager with OCD and I can relate to the incredible frustration of living with someone you care about who is going through this. We are working on exposure-response prevention (ERP), which is really the best treatment - especially for contamination OCD. As you said, logic does not work because this is not an issue of her not understanding that something isn't really contaminated - it's an irrational fear that is so strong it will not respond to reason. ERP basically asks the person with OCD to go toward their fear instead of away from it, in order to "show" the brain that the fear is not real. It is extremely anxiety provoking at first, but gradually the fear subsides and the compulsions are significantly reduced. However, because it is so anxiety-provoking it is really important to work with a therapist if you can to help her structure the exercises appropriately. In the meantime, one thing that I have found really helps me is to know when to walk away. When things start to escalate, I first try to help if I can - for example, I ask my daughter if there is anything I can do that does NOT involve helping her with a ritual (some good things are giving her a hug, words of encouragement, a glass of water, etc.). If things start to go badly I tell her that I really love her, and I will come back once things have calmed down, but I need to take a break. Then I walk away, and sometimes leave the house if I need to. I've learned that my patience can only go so far, and when I get to the point where I'm not going to contribute anything helpful, the only thing I can do is get some space, even though it is hard (that's why I make sure to say something about coming back, so she doesn't feel completely abandoned). It is really important to identify ways that you can help (again, just to reiterate, that do NOT involve assisting the OCD demands), and once you've exhausted those, you need to take care of yourself. I'm glad you are on the forums, as reaching out to other people who are going through this is important - it's usually something that your friends and family won't understand, but we do! Good luck with this!
  6. I wanted to add something that has helped in our household, which may or may not be helpful for you. We were advised to clearly state our expectations for the basic functioning of the household, and stick to them despite OCD's interference. For example, one rule was that both our kids had to be ready for school by 8 am or they would lose their phone for the day. Our daughter had a lot of trouble with this because OCD had her doing a lengthy morning routine and it was interfering with her and her brother getting to school on time. However, keeping her phone was really important to her, so it was a good incentive for her to push back on OCD's demands, and after a while, she was able to minimize her routine to the point that she was ready by 8. You might try something like that with the things that are important in your household - for example, the family has to eat dinner together, no matter what OCD says. It will be really hard for her to do that, but if you allow her to not eat with you that encourages OCD. I also like that it is a clear expectation for the family, so it isn't singling her out because of OCD - it's just an expectation for everyone and OCD doesn't get to break the rules. It also helps you deal with all the other places where OCD pops up if you have a few "safe zones", such as dinner time. Not sure if this helps, but thought I would share our experience. I really feel for you, as our daughter is 14 and has OCD, and she definitely involves her 11 year old brother. It can be so tough sometimes - I wish you the best of luck!
  7. This is really helpful, and I really appreciate you typing it twice! It's also really nice to hear that your son is doing so well. My daughter is 14, and although she was diagnosed about 9 years ago, our success with OCD has really gone up and down. Sometimes she seems to be doing really well, and other times not well at all, and she is so, so resistant to talking about OCD that I find myself continuously second-guessing myself (did I say the right thing? should I have done that? could I have said something better?). I am really getting a lot out of these forums and I want to get to a point where I feel really confident in what I'm doing in my role as her mother, and reading other people's success stories helps a lot. On a related note, what have you done in the past when you saw your son doing something that was clearly caused by OCD, but he wasn't asking you to get involved? Sometimes I see her doing a routine, and if I say anything to her she gets really upset and says that she needs to start over again because I interrupted her. But I also can't just sit and watch her being beat up by OCD. The therapist suggested that I say something like "is there anything I can help you with?" but that still usually just upsets her. Have you encountered this, and what have you done about it? Last question that I've really been wanting to ask - do you think that we as caregivers have a significant influence on our loved ones' success with OCD, or do you think that we are really just supporting them while they work things out for themselves? I guess what I'm wondering is how directly involved I need to be in battling OCD, vs. just letting her work with the therapist and making sure I'm not supporting OCD and just supporting her as my daughter?
  8. I was wondering if anyone has some examples of how they've successfully navigated situations where their loved one is asking for reassurance because of OCD? My daughter frequently asks me things like: "my hands aren't dirty, right? I don't need to wash again?" If I reassure her that her hands aren't dirty and she doesn't need to wash, then she usually does pretty well, but I know I'm really just helping OCD by reassuring her. But if I say something like "I think you know the answer to that", or "I don't want to talk to OCD about this" or something along those lines, she gets really upset and usually just goes and washes. I'm still feeling pretty confused about what specifically I should be saying, and what I should expect if I'm doing the right thing. Any advice for similar situations would be greatly appreciated, as I find that I learn best from specific examples rather than general guidance.
  9. Hi Lottie, It's really nice to be here. My daughter has been seeing a psychologist who specializes in OCD, and we've done a lot of work at home using a few books. In her therapy sessions she's done a lot of EMDR, and drawing/play therapy, as well as talking about it. She kept a journal of her obsessions and compulsions and the progress she was making. It all worked well while she was young, but now that she's a teenager she's become really resistant to going to her therapist, or trying another one. She says that she just wants to work on it by herself, and she is so insightful and thoughtful and mature that she is actually doing a very good job of controlling it when she needs to. But it is very clear that it is really tough on her on the inside. I want to help her, but she's usually won't talk about it, and mostly just asks for reassurance that OCD is demanding. I know I'm not supposed to reassure her, but sometimes she gets so panicky that I don't know what else to do. I am really hoping for examples of how other parents/caregivers have been successful in responding to OCD's demands. Any advice/ideas are very welcome.
  10. I have a 14 year old daughter with OCD. She was diagnosed when she was about 5, and we've tried many different things since then. Sometimes it feels like we're making good progress, and sometimes it feels like we don't know what we're doing and it's hard to stay optimistic about everything. One thing that I have never tried is talking to other people who deal with this on a daily basis (as I don't know of anyone personally other than doctors and my family), so I thought that it would be a good idea to join a discussion group. I've read through a few posts and it already feels good just to know other people are going through similar situations. Although I am very sorry/sad to hear that so many of you are suffering with this.
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