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Phili

Bulletin Board User
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About Phili

  • Birthday 17/02/1984

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    UK

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  1. No, it’s fine. I’ve not managed to change very much. I’m not behind a curtain anymore so that’s something. The trouble is I’ve stopped caring, I don’t care about anything. I want to write, i desperately want to write and create my fantasy world but I just can’t. I know that may not make sense, it certainly doesn’t to me, but I can’t. I can’t even read or look at the books I buy, it’s like my mind refuses to engage. I’m only talking now because I got extra low. currently my only comfort is Rudolph Valentino, who has helped me regain my interest in spiritualism and the astral plain. In mediums and healing crystals. Though, as ghosts were the catalyst of my first mental breakdown, I have to tread softly. Though I think that was just a timely convergence. A panic attack during most haunted and my OCD latched onto it. At the time I didn’t even know I had OCD. I had growing pains at the time. im on enough pills to make me rattle but they don’t help, they keep messing with the dosage. Now they won’t help me until the psychiatrist is back and that’s not until the end of the month. They are also taking away our autism social group that was once a month. I have no mental care. Social services have decided to dump all their responsibilities on my poor PA. I’ve bought a writing journal for creating stories, I was hoping my PA might be able to get me to work with it. I’ve also bought a thumb worry stone that helps with anxiety. It has several different crystals in it. My brother is also suffering from bad depression and poor Anne has colitis. Her meds are now £190 a month, for her allergies, her arthritis and now her colitis, which is apparently caused by stress. Which doesn’t surprise me. Dogs are so sensitive to others feelings. For instance I’ve had some belly troubles this year and she has associated our red bowl with me being sick, which scares her. She’s such a good girl. She’s been passing blood because of the colitis and that has caused huge amounts of stress. We have a really good and patient vet. She approached a cat the other day and poked it, which is a huge improvement from trying to eat them and she was really tolerant with the neighbours little dog, a little dog tried to bite her when she was a puppy. It got into the garden and Anne was hiding behind my brothers legs and the little dog was trying to attack her and he was keeping it away, ever since she hasn’t liked little dogs. She’s also conquered her fear of slugs, mostly, but not of the hoover or passing things like wires and bags. I’ve waffled, sorry.
  2. No, I wait for death, I feel that will be the only time I can be free and happy. I don’t want to die, I can’t, I have my brother and my dog to take care of, otherwise, I would be gone. as Caramoole said, my life has been extremely complicated and pathetic. I believe I must have done something wrong in my last life and this one is a punishment for it. I spent my days sleeping as much as I can and when I am awake, usually about 6-7 hours a day, I eat something, because my brother makes me and I try not to make my anxiety worse but most of the time I sit feeling lost, confused, deeply sad, scared and unable to engage with anything.
  3. Fear, ennui, depression, desperation, longing, despair…I can’t escape it. It’s constant, no matter what I do, it’s getting worse.
  4. My friend, who also suffers with OCD, found this ladies videos helpful and so I thought I would share https://youtube.com/@23katied?si=fZvGlTZWGXscw1Xs
  5. Hello! I’ve been really bad for months, particularly my sayings, I’ve been reduced to being able to do barely anything. My medication is constantly being changed, which hasn’t helped and I’m back to self harming. I’ve no mental health support and my autism and adhd gets worse the more stressed I get,
  6. It started Monday, I woke up feeling mentally weird on Monday. I only drank 2 and a half pepsi the entire day and the next day was dehydrated. Im not sure if because of this the OCD latched onto it and I’m peeing before I need to so never actually getting to the point where I need to go. today I drank 1 and 3 quarters of 500ml bottles of water, one Pepsi and two pints of orange, since about 8 pm last night and I’ve barely peed. another dr Google page says it’s fine as long as you pee once a day. I have zero other symptoms
  7. I’ve been on Dr. Google, I think I have kidney failure… my brother says the max I go to the toilet is four times if I have drunk loads, otherwise it’s about 2 or 3. im going for a pee but In small amounts but I’m going before I feel like I want to, so I suppose I could be never reaching wanting to because of that. Dr. Google says you need to pee 2 cups worth in 24 hours, so 400ml, I think I’ve done that because that would include yesterday, not from this morning, I’m panicking.
  8. I can’t, I have an irrational fear of doctors and avoidance. everyone says it’s OCD and I’m just dehydrated. I peed just now normally. I’ve not pain or discomfort.
  9. So, on Monday I only drank 2 and 1/4 cans of Pepsi from about 4am to about 8pm and I barely peed the whole day. Then I had some water. The next morning my pee really stank. On the 19th, I drank 2 and a 1/2 bottles of 50cl water from about 4am to 7am on the 20th. I peed five times on the 19th. Two normal weeks and three small or medium ones. Today I’ve drank 2 bottles of 50cl water since 7am until now but I’ve only peed twice, one normal wee and one small wee just now. I don’t pee a lot, usually 3 or four times a day but usually I’m bursting when I go. I admit that I have had some changes, I’ve not had Pepsi for two days and I’ve not been having cereal because of my tooth, I usually have a lot of milk, usually about half a pint+ im also hyper aware of my bladder so I’m feeling even the slightest fullness. everyone says I’m not drinking enough water but I’m scared. I don’t have any pain or discomfort. I feel fine. I have been ERPing my mouth but this is a lot harder. I’m also on my period. I know I was really dehydrated on Tuesday and I was likely dehydrated Monday as well. I also know that now I’m hyper aware so I’m emptying my bladder before it gets full, but I’m scared.
  10. I’m experiencing unbearable levels of anxiety attacks, waves of anxiety, fear, dread, doom, nightmares and negative thoughts. It’s like the new meds last until the evening and then stop I’m trying I really am, I’m just so stuck.
  11. Sleeping is amazing, travelling to different places, being able to walk and run and be a person, be young again, sure I get lots of nightmares but even they are mostly freeing
  12. I sleep a lot to escape as well if I’m honest. Because of my sayings my life has become smaller and smaller and the add my health OCD, mainly directed at my mouth at the moment and everything is pretty miserable. At the moment I’m trying to ERP with all my heart. I’m suffering with negative thoughts about death, waves of fear and feelings of doom. I’m not sure if the pills are causing it or it’s the lack of deloxitine and I need to wait for the pills to build up. Been on 75ml for two days three days now.
  13. This is a fall asleep tired though lol
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