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About Phili

  • Birthday 17/02/84

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  1. I don't know what's wrong with me. There just isn't anything inside, nothing, I don't know why I am like I am. I feel like my therapy has started at the wrong end. What do you do when you just can't help yourself? What do you do when you don't care? I don't know what to do. I feel suicidal this morning. I just don't care about me. I wish I could convey how I feel, how I am. Everyone is different and I have tried but none of it is working for me. What is the point anyway? I have no worth. Look at me, listen to me, what is the point in me really? People try to help but you can't help someone who is so confused and so pathetic that they can't even help themselves. I was already exhausted, I can't get anyone to understand. I wish I could open my mind and show people what I have been through and then maybe they would be able to find an approach that works. People just say the past is the past but it isn't, it is everything I am and have become. I don't feel like a person, I don't feel like an individual, I don't feel like the regular things that people do each day applies to me, I feel that those things are what people do and me, I'm not a person. Everyone keeps repeating themselves but it isn't working, I do listen, I do try but it isn't working. Everyone just tells me what I am doing wrong. Nothing is driving me, there is nothing I really want. Even with writing I just keep going in circles. I am so sorry, I am just so so sorry. Edit: I have tried making friends online, I can't get anyone interested.
  2. I don't get attached or dependent easily, in truth I suffer with a lack of attachment and a severe lack of emotion in general. I barely feel anything. It wasn't that I took it as a rejection, I was only joking around, it just upset me, I thought it was a cruel thing to say. I can't broaden my social circumstances, you know that. Being active is impossible, my back is so bad I can only stand for three minutes before the bones lock up. I will try the concentration thing though. Thank you. I don't know how to get out of not caring, I want to but it's a forever circle.
  3. My psychologist doesn't seem as friendly as she was originally. One of the main reasons we worked so well together was that she was very friendly and took interest and so I listened to her and paid attention but that has decreased with the more cool attitude. Also, my attention span is greatly depremental to my therapy but she doesn't seem to want to work on it. She says it will Improve with the therapy but my attention span is making that nearly impossible as is my growing apathy, which is at an all time high. Yesterday she left five minutes early and I was joking and said we still had five minutes, she said that we had finished everything useful, or words to that effect, and I said but I'm lonely, she said, it's not my job to make you not lonely. I had been joking around but the response really hurt my feelings and I found that my faith dropped significantly. My apathy, concentration and feelings of being withdrawn are at an all time low. I can't even be bothered to talk. Everything just feels pointless.
  4. and now i have a cold

  5. been sick with one thing or another all week

    1. lostinme


      Oh bless you Phili it's not nice when your unwell 🤒 hopefully you will feel better soon:)

  6. My dog smells like ❤️ 

  7. Hi. I'm not dead, just feeling very withdrawn. 

  8. my psychologist has challenged me to give up chocolate for lent as she is going too and i am gonna give it a try

    1. taurean


      Gosh Phili that will be tough. But give it a go :)

    2. lostinme


      That's great your going to give it a go phili😊

  9. The horrific moment when playing an Otome when you don't know who to choose. Help! meep

  10. Why dont I care? I have this awful apathy that I cannot shake. The lady from HUTS asked me "if I didnt have all the things I have, if life hadnt thrown me this curve ball then what would I do, what would I like to do" and I didnt have an answer. I used to but...I gave up on my dreams not long before my Mum passed away. I figured the best I could get out of life was small moments of joy, a nice treat, a good joke. I came to the realisation that to live without causing waves was the best way forward. People say "well its not like that now" but I gave up and I have no idea how to recover from that. No one seems to have an answer. I keep trying but in truth, other than to make sure than Anne and ,my brother are secure, there is nothing that i want. Even my writing. Creating the fantasy world the way that I am is just to distract me from actually writing. May be I am afraid I will fail and be rubbish. But the truth is, I dont know how to recover. Emotion seems to have left me. Only Anne seems to be able to draw any feeling in me. I have no direction, no wants, no bucket list, no dreams. I cant make people understand that and so I dont know how to get them back and I am in such an apathy that I dont even care if I do. I dont want to be like this but everything has left me. Faith, passion, fight, desire and I dont know how to get them back or replace them.
  11. Everything I do is wrong

    1. taurean


      Now this is "all or nothing thinking" Phili. Maybe some things you do are wrong, might have been done better ; but we all do that, we cannot always be right - at best we can likely expect to get things right maybe 85% of the time. 

  12. My psychologist is off sick this week and I think next as well. I have been carrying on my homework but have been struggling to do it all as my period takes a lot of energy. I have been looking at the pad but am finder it harder but I have looked down the loo every time. The thing is, for five minutes a day I am supposed to examine selected body parts, I am also supposed to be doing exercises. The trouble is I keep forgetting. I have tried signs, alarms, reminders and a time table and I still forget, any advice, I want to do these things so why do I keep forgetting?
  13. It's my birthday 🎉 

    I never want to see food again. 🤢 

    1. taurean


      We might quote you on that :biggrin:

  14. Well it was about homework not reassurance and she wouldn't tell me any reassurance either. You see I used to wear pads all the time and never looked at them. This is the first time I have actively looked at my period for two years so I don't know what's normal anymore. It is 100% my period because of the Miread of colours but this is my first time looking so it's hard. She is trying to get me comfortable with my body, rather than viewing it as something that wants to kill me like I do now. Right now I am dying from three different things and that doesn't include aging. She told me that with periods I only have to worry about yellow or green as it is a sign of infection.