Tryingtohelp

I understand this 100% Different situation, it's my husband not a child but it's just so heartbreaking to think about all the things that OCD robs you of. 16 is such a formative age too, I really wish you the very best and hope your son manages to fight back enough to regain some sense of peace soon. xx

I’ve lived with my husband who suffers with OCD in various forms for about 14 years, and from experience, when I bring up the subject of him getting help when I’m at my most exasperated with an OCD behaviour, it falls on deaf ears, or makes things worse, because he is also highly stressed and doesn’t feel like anyone can help. Changing habits, especially something that you’ve lived with for so long, is going to be difficult for both of you, and it’s understandable that emotions might get high. I’d recommend trying to find some time, possibly without children around and when you won’t be interrupted, but you’re both relatively relaxed and bring it up gently. Suggest that you’ve seen support groups run by OCD UK that he may find useful, you can join those together and listen in without talking if it’s difficult to talk. (have a look at the main OCD UK website or instagram if you haven’t seen these, they’re really valuable, and there are some for family that you might benefit from too) If it doesn’t work first time, try not to feel defeated and try again another time. You’ve (both) got this

over here!! Wow, so much of what you've written resonates with me... I'm terrible for writing really long posts, and I'm currently at work so I'll keep this short and say we have very similar experiences. I'm so glad you're here

I just wanted to quickly let you know, you are not alone I know it's a ridiculously over-used phrase and doesn't always mean anything, but hopefully knowing someone understands a little bit of your situation will help. My husband has been struggling with excessive rituals for around 10 years now. I have sometimes had to confront the fact that OCD creates a coercive and controlling environment, which is hard as a fiercely independent woman! I have, so far, made peace with it as I know that it's the OCD that is crashing the party, and I remember that things aren't the same when he's healthier, and he is suffering far more at the hands of OCD than I am. It's a really difficult balance to find, as someone said above, going cold turkey from compulsions is impossible in my experience, but gradually reducing them isn't always practical either. You do need to draw some boundaries, especially if he is becoming angry with you, you do not just need to accept that. I would recommend trying to find a time where the kids are out, and you're both relatively calm to agree a technique that you can both use to diffuse a situation when it's becoming too much - I do random things like recite the colours of the rainbow, or some animal facts - just to take the steam out of the moment. I know it can feel painfully lonely at times, so please know there are others in the world who understand x If you're on Instagram, there are some accounts that I find useful for tips on coping techniques (I try to share these with my husband, but he doesn't engage with social media very well and I've found sharing too much can feel like nagging for both of you, however I like to know the tips myself just incase they come in useful in those heated moments) The anxious truth (and "the anxious morning" podcast) Jenna Overbaugh - Good tips for dealing with compulsions.

Context: bereavement by suicide. I don't really know where to start, I know my partner needs some professional help, tbh OCD is not the top priority right now, but it's a component that can't be ignored (as we all know!) The issue is, to put a very long story short, he's been let down by almost every single professional he's ever seen, not necessarily by them, but by the system I suppose. Anyway the result is that he doesn't have much faith, and is exhausted by the thought of having to start from scratch explaining his experience again, it's a long process considering he was diagnosed with OCD before he was 10, and is now 40. Like I said earlier, the current pressing need actually comes from grief and dealing with his mother's death by suicide. It comes just under 2 years since his father died after a long difficult period, where my partner was the primary carer and spent hours each week battling for support from the adult social care system. By his own admission he hasn't recovered from that trauma, not to mention the pandemic, and now has the unimaginable sadness, anger, confusion and everything else that comes with it. I can support, but not in the experienced way he needs. I could also do with some help myself! We're in Scotland, and happy to travel anywhere between Edinburgh and Aberdeen really. I can Google with the best of us, but just wondered if anyone had any tips for what to look for, or even a recommendation of someone they've seen before? Thanks x

I've read many posts and responses on here over the years, often there is a theme that the sufferer needs to be willing to engage with treatment before anything can really improve. I'm hoping for some advice on how to encourage someone to get to that point? A member of my family has been suffering horribly over the past few months, we're not sure if it is OCD, but it is certainly anxiety. They are afraid of so many things it's impossible to list here, and I'm not sure it would really help, the result is that they are losing weight at a worrying rate, barely sleeping and not engaging in any activity beside rumination. The first indication that anything was wrong came from what was defined by a doctor last year as "chronic pain". The person I'm taking about is an adult, with autonomy, so to be honest we didn't know a lot more detail than that, or the prescribed treatment, at the time. Up to now, they have preferred to focus on investigating potential physical health conditions that would cause the pain, and the rest of the family have supported that. However, multiple scans, blood tests and consultant visits have not shown anything that the medical professionals seem to be worried about at this stage. I'm sure there is something physical; the pain would indicate there is something going on. However their mental well-being seems to be deteriorating much more significantly, and it's being completely unmanaged at the moment. Any attempts from the rest of the family to support are met with responses that range from apathy "I'm just not interested in doing anything anymore" to outright defiance "Even if you paid for a private physiatrist, I wouldn't speak to them" and "no, no, no, you mustn't call the doctor". There have been at least 2 A&E visits in recent weeks, most recently when the individual went missing for a while and was found having fallen in shallow water and been unable to get back up, then becoming hypothermic. They were sent home within a few hours, even though my husband called the ward to explain how concerned the whole family are, including worries this incident could have been suicidal. The individual has been on the phone to us whilst out walking on a different occasion, and said "I'd like to just lie down here and never go home." The impact on close family members is horrendous, the individual is refusing food and help, but still wants regular long phone conversations (the family is spread out across the UK). These phone conversations revolve around their fears, rumination and futile reassurances, so really aren't healthy for anyone involved. They have lost interest in anything outside of their own existence, so it's difficult to change the topic of conversation, even to the weather. How can we move this forward so the individual gets the help they need? I should say, that my husband has been living with OCD and general anxiety for his entire life, we have faced challenges together and I would consider our understanding of managing the conditions to be relatively good, although by no means expert. We've tried gentle encouragement, leaving relevant books available to read; discussing the science of neuro-placticity (in an attempt to debunk the idea that mental health can't be treated in the same way as physical); providing reassurances once, then encouraging the individual to remember that reassurance every time the fear in question comes up again; just simply changing the subject; speaking to their GP; speaking to the local crisis team ourselves... Nothing seems to help, and we're running out of ideas. Thank you in advance for any advice you can offer.

Hi Shandra, I completely understand your worry, if you're feeling overwhelmed it's definitely worth reaching out to your GP or IAPT, but this is also a really good place to share thoughts and ask questions. I felt the same a few years ago and unfortunately was referred to a relationship counselor, who didn't really understand what was going on, once she'd established that I wasn't in an abusive relationship, and loved my partner very much, she discharged me. However, reading posts here, watching videos from the conference that @snowbear mentioned, and most of all, plucking up the courage to tell some close friends and colleagues what our home life is like has helped no end. We're here for you x

Hi, I'm afraid I don't have any experience of specialist hospitals, although a couple of years ago my husband and I went to a week long course at the OCD centre in Devon, I'm not sure if it's still running but I'd be happy to share more about our experience there if it's of use to you? I can tell you you are not alone though, my partner also has suffered for most of his life and we are both constantly affected by it. It is truly exhausting, sometimes you feel like no one else in the world could understand, so always feel free to vent and remember you're both doing great, even when it feels like you're not. I hope you find support soon, I'd be very interested to hear how it goes if you do go to London.

Hi Dizzy, I read your post and felt a huge sense of relief that there is someone else out there feeling something similar to myself, hopefully my response will give you a similar relief. I am by no means an expert, this is actually my first post here but I am also in a long term relationship with someone who is currently suffering badly with ocd, although it manifests itself in a different way I can certainly relate to what you're dealing with so maybe we can learn from each other? I find it really helps to separate the ocd from the person, try to think that it's not him that you're upsetting, it's the ocd. Similarly, he is not upsetting you it's the OCD that is doing the upsetting. It might be difficult for you both to get into that mindset, but maybe try to calmly suggest it while he is in a relatively good mood. You can then both begin to work with the idea that the ocd is not part of him, but a third element that the two of you need to work together to beat. It means that when you're arguing you both can remind yourselves that it isn't personal, it's the illness, and that can help diffuse the anger between you. As PolarBear has said, participating in the compulsions really doesn't help, but neither does making yourself ill, and I imagine that now you are in this situation, if you suddenly stopped fitting in with what your boyfriend wants all together, your relationship would become even more strained and your health would deteriorate further. There has to be some concessions though and the two of you need to work out a strategy that means he is gradually lessening the compulsions, you are participating less and less, and he is expecting less of you. It can't all happen at once though, imagine giving up chocolate and tea and biscuits all at once, cold turkey, then multiply by 1000. At least. Of course for anything to work, your bf needs to want to be better and recognise the problems. You can't do anything without his help, but you will both need an awful lot of support from understanding people along the way. I've typed all this between sporadic spats with my bf while he is having a hard time calming down after a bad day of ocd, we're both exhausted and can't seem to let go of the argument, but yesterday was great and the road to recovery can't always be lovely so don't let the bad days get you down. I hope this has helped a little, sorry for the really long post. Most importantly, please don't feel alone.