Withdrawntech

This was a long time ago, I googled myself and found this, I thought about 'Deleting' the account, and content, but doesn't seem right, so I wanted to let anyone feeling like I did, It can get better, I have a beautiful wife been married a few years now, she has 3 decent children, who I care about, although they don't need anything from me really, I did genuinely suffer for a long time, worrying about relationships, happy now, OCD managed for many years, All the best, genuinely hope every single person on the planet finds, what they need. Dean Miller

I have been good, I last posted on here months ago, the other day a friend was asking me about CBT, and I logged on here to share something with him, I haven't logged in here in ages!, I actually forgot about this forum, I love everyone of you, and I'll say 'we'll say in touch' and I'll want 'to stay in touch, but my head and my heart, aren't properly connected, so I don't, but I still love you all, even if I forget about you!

Hope, your better, Sounds, like fatigue, I remember you have kids to look after, but you need rest as well, have you, taken time out for you, Get a friend, family member to take kids for an hour, You might be surprised at how much better you feel.

sorry, I tried to edit that, what I was trying to say, is I think your 'bored', so ocd kicks in to, make life intresting, After re-reading thought I should clarify, I wanted to suggest you might just need a new hobby, or book to read, be well, thanks

So your thinking, I don't want to be making evil decisions, that makes you a good person doesn't it??, when I was younger I was boring, mum and dad where together, and had no life experience, so I occasionally made stuff up, to seem more interesting, not lies cos they where just for me never said them out loud, so I lied to myself, just wondered if you do/did that?

Positive, meeting someone at a pub quiz today at 9pm, just as friends. Negative, already caught one 'thought' today 'what if...' and 9pm is ages away.. urgh (still coping though!!)

now.. Positive.. Might get my old job cleaning a school back. Negative.. No, Negative here!!! Thankyou

12th century Northumberland was ruled by William the 2nd of england also William Rufus or William the Red. Warkworth Castle with its magnificent cross-shaped keep (the keep is 14th century) crowning a hilltop above the River Coquet. Augustinian priory of Brinkburn Picturesquely set by a bend in the River Coquet. So.. The River Coquet is the land mark used by Northumberlanders at that time, a castle to defend us, and a priory to defend our spirit.

Thankyou, imalright, I am unsure what that would achieve, 1, to stop that happening to someone else, (I cant see it this firm has 3 employees and to are married) 2, to allow me to keep the position with allowances in place to reduce the stress, (again if it were forced on a small business lke this what would the work enviroment be like. 3, financial compensation, (money is always useful, but I dont want to aquire it that way, again stressfull I think) I think thats all outcomes covered, but I am due payment Tuesday the 30th, so we'll see what happens. again thankyou all for your kind thoughts

So, My mum knows everything now = Less stress, I am out of that work = Less stress, therefore although I am 'jobless' I feel pretty good, I was on a 3 month trial, and awarded a fulltime contract, they stipulated one month notice and it was due to be 'formalized' october, But I am not broke, and I am healthy, I'm still here, life is OK. Thankyou everyone.

I just phoned my mum, shes coming round shortly, I am going to show her what I have written, I need someone face to face to know what I am going through, thankyou all

on the 22nd of september I woke up, got dressed for work, brushed my teeth, locked my door and walked to the top of my stairs (I live in flats), and saw my reflection, I saw a hair on my chin under my bottom lip and had to shave before work, I unlocked my door walked in and recognised it as a compulsion 'after I had unlocked my door' so to late I then said out loud to myself this is a compulsion, I repeated it for 5 seconds I couldnt stop so I cried for 5 minutes, I realised I have taken on to much work, and I had spoken to my employers about it before, so I straightened myself up and went in to work 5 minutes late, I waited to talk to my boss, and explained it got to much, and I am grateful for 40 hours a week, could we reduce it to 35 hours she said 'why?' I said as my last job was 15 hours a week its to much straight away and can we work up to that, she then said 'Do you want to work a 15 hour week is that it' I replied Iwant to work a normal 40 hour week like everyone else but I cant as I am stressed, but just one day during the week might give me a bit more breathing room, and if they needed me the extra 5 hours of course I come in 'the response was the contract is 40 hours take it or leave it' so I said It feels like I am letting you down, and explained that over my life I have built a wall and become a good actor, and although I am calmly talking this through with her I am crying inside, she said weve seen nothing to say theres a problem, yes your works very tidy but other than that nothing, I have heard that before as I am sure some of you have and I explained 'I have lived like this since I was 10 years old, and Iam 32 now, in 22 years I am so good at acting I cant switch it off, but the fact I am standing infront of you saying this for 5 hours of a 40 hour contract should prove somethings not, right' my other male boss came in and said, ' go away for 1 hour please we need to discuss this' I agreed on my return after an hour, he asked me to follow him upstairs and asked can you work the 40 hours a week?, I said I dont want to let you down so no. He held out his hand and said 'In that case I accept your Resignation no hard feelings on our part' I shook his hand and thanked him for the 3 months, and went to the local doctors 'marisco' went to the NHS reception and told them ' I have an appointment with IAPT, on the 19th of November. but I have just walked out of my job and could do with seeing someone a bit sooner, they gave me a phone number for IAPT and excused themselves, I left and found a tree in a big field next to the doctors, sat in the shade and called the number, they confirmed I have an appointment but said they couldnt help me, and gave me a number for a crisis line, which I called next they listened but offered little advice and said maybe call 'Steps 2 Change' and gave me a phone number, which I called they asked me to fill out a self refferal form, I gave them my email, and have filled it in and returned it, I am still ok people. Thanks

your doing ERP right now by thinking about it before it gets dragged up in the future, but I do believe with a decision as important as that although you think you were'nt forced into it and as I said maybe not by financial mean's or health or even practical means, there would have been stress, as I see it the only way OCD can hit you with this is through your own feeling of misguided guilt, Hear me out, I can see you are assigning blame to yourself, and that is not going to help anyone, you did what you thought best is what people say, what should be said is you did what you had to. now you can see how you could cope with that as the person you are now, But thats not who you were then, and the teenager you were could'nt do what you can do now, that was'nt her fault she was'nt as learned as you! and it certainly is'nt your fault, that teenager does'nt exist anymore, she was replaced by a mother of 3 adorable kids, Thankyou

again a fundemently good person is forced to do a terrible thing and then beats themselve up about it, its because you have time to think about it, and youve got believe it or not 'survivors guilt', you may not realise it but you probly had to do it, if not really for financial or practical reasons, then for your own sanity, people will hate me for this 'perhaps' but maybe you couldnt bear the thought of being a constant failure to a child out there in the world, and if you had put the kid for adoption, you may have ended yourself, that is self presavation, now if you really want to 'make the world a better place' look after those 3 adorable kids, I admire you, imensly, keep being a mother, I am on your side, as I am sure is your husband. Thankyou thats my opinion, no offence is intended to anyone, and if I have been careless, I am deeply sorry, please forgive me

I hope you feel better, Do you drink tea?, If you got some have a cup!