Liberty

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About Liberty

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    Female

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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  1. I've worked hard today. It feels so awful can't remember what I've cleaned, touched etc but I'm that desperate I'm taking the chance because I truly am at the end of what I can take so I have to do something
  2. I've got a bit stuck again somehow and I can't remember what I'm doing and with certain things I'm not sure if I'm taking risk to help my recovery or if my concerns are genuine if that makes sense
  3. I'm getting pretty desperate here. I'm starting to feel my life isn't worth living I've had enough and can't take much more. Take today I woke up worrying about something I can't remember if I said in the past. Then started worrying I'd got water in electrics when having shower. Then on drive to work I was worried about running a cat over. Then at work became obsessed over my new thing which is getting water in electrical sockets or extensions moving on to this afternoon 2 guilts from the past then back to electrical equipment at home running around manically trying to remember what I've touched decided to go for a walk men from water board were in street digging up something brown and slushy I had to walk through my shoes are now in the bin I feel the house is contaminated I'm loosing the plot I can't take this any longer. It just flicks from one to another constant I'm so fed up I don't want this anymore but I've tried and I don't know how to stop
  4. I am thinking of booing in with my doctor and asking to see all the things they have on me.
  5. The things that I have an my medical records are so disturbing I haven't shared with anyone other than my partner and medical professionals. Nobody else would understand there is some real crazy stuff in there
  6. After such a tough week, I have really took this vile illness head on and it's been difficult really difficult but I'm here somehow. Was feeling quite pleased with myself when I got hit with some news I could have done without. One if my best friends will be working as a nurse at my doctors. I know there is guidelines as to what any employee can look at but as I am now a patient essentially she can see anything. I have thyroid issues so get bloods taken regularly. I've always been very very open with gp despite different awkward themes peodopile, harm, blood tests for aids, you name it I've talked about it. I've always kept very quiet about my OCD other than to family so my friends no nothing so far. I'm so upset.
  7. I literally can't think straight I'm so tied up. I've gone down the wrong path talking to family ? My reason for wanting to confess is I can't bare the thought of causing another human pain. I feel bad because she didn't do what I said and I am worried it's hindered her career path in some way and if there is something I can do to help them surely it's not about OCD it's about being a decent person
  8. Hi having a really tough time with the old gem of past guilt when things actually did happen. We've been here before but I've been researching andnotd one thing in this world I'm hot at! ? Last year I mentioned a guilt going back to when I was 19 years of age. I'd just had my child at 18 was morbidly depressed and my grandfather had been sent to jail for something I can't bare to talk about and never will. It's far to say drinking was a terrible idea but I'd gone on a night out with friends got ridiculously drunk and was on medication. I got in to some kind of argument with what I can only describe as a tough girl. I was so drunk I can't really remember if we pushed one another ( very out of character for a softy like me ) any way it clearly shook me up and like a big baby I marched over to the police across the road and told them she had hit me but I'm pretty sure she never I was so drunk and feeling sorry for myself the whole situation was dramatised completely. The pc who it turns out I know very well took me home in a complete state and paid a visit to this woman at her house ( he already knew of her and her family ). Anyway seemingly when he got there something odd was going on ( I want to say she answered the door with no clothes on or something to that effect ). He had words with her she denied it etc then he left. The next day he came around to see if I was okay and he told me what had happened. I was a bit coy knowing full well i was being a drunken drama queen. I said to him so what happens now? He said she couldn't be charged because there was no evidence, he couldn't see it on camera as someone was in the way and I wasn't injured etc. What I'm really upset about and it never occurred to me until last year is I read somewhere if you go for a job as a carer or to work with children you have to have an enhanced crb check ( different name now I think ). The enhanced check looks on a data base held by police across U.K. which has notes made about you even when an arrest/caution hasn't been made. So it might say ....... was accused on sat eve of hitting another female etc etc no arrest could be made due to lack of evidence. Now a statement like this read by an employer about a prospective employee within a care setting would stop them from being employed. I don't think my guilt on this matter is unjustified and I feel the right thing to do is contact police.
  9. Hi that's great advice and I have really tried very hard at work today and got through the day which is great. However..... I still have a burning desire to try and sort out if I have an attraction to someone and if so would I cheat. Now I get the part that some of it is OCD however I feel if I don't think about it and shrug it off I might do something terrible
  10. Yes. I mean a day when the after effects of the weed are gone and I can think straight.
  11. I know what you mean. I'm not going to hang myself for trying weed I'm a middle aged woman and was feeing pretty desperate for relief. Never mind a mistake made. I am wondering if I should allow myself a day next week to think about it because I have been thinking a lot about it lately anyway. I seem to struggle with friendships with the opposite sex which is crazy because I kind of like male company. I'm particularly friendly with one of the men I work with because we got on so well have same sense of humour, music etc but it freaks me out quite a lot to be honest. A few months back I was having a meeting which was very informal at a restaurant and I knew he was going out and I couldn't relax thinking I might see him. This scares me because I absolutely don't want to have feelings for him I love my partner but I can't understand why I get so freaked out around men.
  12. I decided to try some weed on Saturday evening I've been so incredibly anxious lately I thought it was worth a try. I smoked a little too much looking back I realise that now. All day today I've felt my anxiety is so much worse I won't be doing it again. Anyway to cut a long story short a friend of our family ( I don't actually know ) came in to agency I work at unbeknown to me (until today) a few weeks ago. There are a couple of guys I work with that I get along really well with, we have good fun, constantly wind each other up etc. For some reason I feel like the man (family friend) had seen me larking about with my work colleagues for example pulling faces when I walk past them. I keep thinking he will tell the family I was flirting and maybe think something is going on at work. I love my partner immensely and I have put him through so much these last couple of years. I feel I want to be honest but I can't decide if I'm being irrational. I have worried myself in the past about the realationship I have with the men at work as I constantly monitor my behaviour around them as we have to spend a lot of time together in my line of work. I question my actions a lot so this has made it worse.
  13. Basically I'm in massive state of confusion. Yes I have OCD which at times causes me to excessively clean the bathroom to the point I clean it with the shower very intensely including the on off fawcett on bath taps etc. Now there is some ( I think it's called filler ) that sits between wall and bath sides but it's forever coming away it gets mouldy and needs replacing frequently. My partner constantly tells me off for showering the bathroom because off all the water which at times runs down the walls in the room downstairs when the filler wasn't on properly. Anyway I keep thinking that water may have gone on to the electrical wires in the room downstairs since I've been doing this eractic cleaning. Do I get an electrician to check and check the circuit breaker working or am I letting my anxiety do my thinking. I really don't know? There is currently a water mark on the ceiling of the room downstairs which may have been there a while but of course is evidence water has leaked through st some point?
  14. I get that I'm trapped in OCD but I don't know how to deal with the situation as in who I am. I'm deeply ashamed that I behave the way I do and that I would not step in for fear of my own life. What do I do with that ?
  15. Hi. Thanks I'm really trying but feeling quite ill. Physically sick in fact. Any other tips? Feel it's gone too far and can't step back. The guilt is repulsive. I feel like such a dreadful human.