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About Serenity77

  • Birthday March 21

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  1. I'm struggling badly and I don't know where to turn anymore. My particular 'flavour' of OCD revolves around me thinking I have done something wrong (mainly cheating and falling pregnant by someone else and/or by the toilet seat - despite this being my worst fear and never finding any evidence). I have battled this for years and my ex husband used my OCD against me (one of many abusive tactics he used on my in over 20 years)- telling my kids my thoughts and therefore me defending myself as if I am guilty and need to prove myself incase the kids believed the thoughts, thought their whole life was a lie etc and basically catastrophising massively. Fast forward to now, I left my abuser towards the end of 2014. I have a new partner and we have a baby together. The OCD thoughts are the same as they always was (mainly if I have a glass or two of wine at home, thinking I may have cheated with my partners oldest son and forgot etc). I am trying hard not to ruminate but the problem is the thoughts are there, all the time, not moving and causing depression as well as anxiety. My partner knows my thoughts, tries hard not to reassure me (one of my compulsions) but I find myself 'confessing' when the thoughts strike and in turn this feels like confessing the thought is the same as doing it. It feels like I don't deserve to be happy. 2 of my eldest sons from my abusive marriage have turned against me and are treating me how their father did. Telling me not to call them my son, telling me I wont see my grandchildren and other really horrible things. If I have done nothing wrong why have so much hatred and feel so much pain. I am at my wits end, emotionally I cant do this anymore. I cant remember feeling this low, ever. I even told my partner we should have a DNA test (god the anxiety typing this is through the roof) so it cant be used against me and stop the thoughts as I am scared to get close to my baby girl incase she turns against me as well. I'm not thinking straight and I cant go through this for much longer. Even typing this on here for everyone to see makes me feel judged and like I am a bad person. My eldest sons demand that I apologise for 'causing all the sh**'. When I ask what I am apologising for, they wont tell me. Their father buys their love with money and is very manipulative. My ex told me twice he had cancer, I came back from refuge because of this. His emotional abuse has affected my judgement and belief in myself. Throughout all of this I always told me boys I loved them, really believe that I showed them love and supported them always yet this has happened. Surely that says stuff about me as a person? Sorry, I'm not sure what I am expecting from this, perhaps someone has some idea of where I can get some help as I cant imagine living my life feeling like this forever. I was diagnosed with OCD when pregnant with my 3rd son (back in 2001) but have had it for as long as I remember. I have had HIV fears, hit and run ocd, fearing I had committed crimes and forgotten but this one feels like the worst for me and has been present for all of my pregnancies! I keep thinking because it is still there despite loads of CBT and I am on medication then maybe it is not OCD at all and it is me. Arrrggghhhhh. Cant stop panicking :'( Sorry x
  2. Thanks PolarBear, appreciated as always
  3. Hi all, The advice in this thread is amazing. Saz I am sorry you are feeling the way you are. Your experience of OCD and false memory is just like I have. I understand completely and you sound a lot like me. For a very long time I would argue with everyone's reasoning and advice. I would have a 'yeah but' for every answer and the amount of 'what if's' in my head were unbelievable. I thought that if the 'thought / memory' was coming from me it must be true and for every bit of advice given to me i was not able to accept it as I thought I knew best. I spent hours, days, weeks and years searching my memory for evidence of something that never happened ... it's impossible, seeking reassurance, confessing my thoughts, researching on the internet and do you know what? Years later I was still doing it, never satisfied, never getting that 'just right' feeling. For every bit of reassurance I got a doubt, a new worry, a more elaborate story, 1 + 1 equalled 3 but was believable enough for me to think this was evidence... I got more and more confused and muddy headed. You do have to take that leap of faith and accept it as OCD. It won't ease up straight away, how can it when you have spent so long doing it your way but it will, eventually. There is no time frame for this. Saz I have struggled with cheating OCD for so many years. I had thoughts I had cheated and my husband at the time wasn't the father of my children. I had no evidence, it is against my core belief's but because it was 'my' thought I believed it must be true. This nearly ruined me and did affect my relationship with people including my children as I was adamant they would grow up and hate me or I would have messed them up and they would go off the rails, on drugs, killing themselves etc all because of me (catastrophic thinking at its finest). This also including the obsessive thought that by me 'confessing' my thoughts would lead people to believe them, doubt me and so on. I found a couple of books on my kindle (also available via iTunes) by Ali Greymond who is not a professional but has suffered from OCD and had thoughts of cheating. Reading this helped me a great deal along with many other great books on OCD I have read. I remember a breakthrough came for me when I read in one self help book about people suffering from OCD trying to find evidence for something that hasn't happened ... it is impossible! You can think anything you like. It doesn't mean it is true although OCD will have you thinking anything is possible. The advice you have been given on here is amazing and it has helped me as well as occasionally i still have a bad few days. The leap of faith really is the only way. I totally get that you think you may be an exception, that you might be missing something. - your posts could be written by me in a lot of ways but all the reassurance in the world will not help you and infact will make you worse. I also wanted to add that pregnancy can make OCD a lot worse which was the case for me. I am sure hormones have a lot to answer for. Believe and trust in the fantastic support and advice you have been given on here. It will get better if you do.
  4. Hi everyone, Can weight and body image issues fall under the OCD umbrella? I ask because I have had OCD since childhood, diagnosed 15 years ago. I have done well using medication and CBT for my OCD obsessions relating to fearing I have cheated and forgot, HIV, harm, fear of pregnancy from the toilet seat and a few more but it has dawned on me that i seem to have an obsession with my weight, in particular dieting. From a relatively young age I have 'dieted'. I have starved myself thin, made myself sick slim and done ever diet there ever is. I have been every size from a size 8 to a size 24. I have spent a fortune joining weight loss clubs, losing weight, having a bad week, feeling ashamed and disgusted with myself only to not go back and re-joining another class in a different town. Fast forward to now and I had a baby 7 weeks ago. I am now a stone lighter than before pregnancy as I didn't gain much during pregnancy (I had a high BMI to start with so could afford not to and I was monitored throughout) but the obsession with dieting is back. I am analysing, searching the Internet for information, not eating much one day and eating too much the next. Feeling ashamed, guilty, disgusted with myself ... questioning myself, ruminating, thinking it through all day every day, feeling I have failed blah blah blah and the cycle continues. It is creating anxiety and making me feel I can never reach my goals then destined to be fat forever, unattractive, judged etc. Is this an OCD thought and maybe I should treat it as such or is this something else? This isn't seeking reassurance I genuinely wonder if I have been dealing with this wrong all these years? Thanks for reading Michelle.
  5. Thank you PolarBear as always. Your advice is always spot on and makes so much sense, as does everyone else that helps me. OCD is so awful and always tries to ruin the happiness we try to feel sadly, that I have come to realise. I think I definately need to take control, dust off my books and keep on with the CBT. Amazing how when we feel better we forget to concentrate on keeping well and feel complacent I guess. Thanks again everyone x
  6. I have realised just how many compulsions I am doing in relation to my thoughts..... ruminating - going over and over my actions in regards to my thoughts ... Trying to prove something didn't happen ... Impossible Feeling guilty Incase my thoughts are true, causing me to avoid my partner and see guilt as proof I have done wrong resulting in the loop of rumination and confessing thoughts / reassurance seeking looking information up on the Internet Doubting I have OCD despite having a diagnosis. All these 'What if's' and 'yeah buts ...' Having an argument for everything ... Non stop i think this is progress as I am doing it a lot, almost on autopilot. So I need to dust off my OCD books and put in practice the CBT I had loads off in the past A couple of questions I have though is where are the following linked to OCD (if they are). I don't think this is reassurance seeking but needing to know if these are obsessive thoughts or not ... 1) Worrying that because I have told my thoughts to my partner, he might believe them one day and doubt me 2) The thoughts keep coming back and are hard to ignore meaning it feels like proof the thoughts are true meaning it feels pointless getting close to people or enjoying life as eventually it will all crumble and I will lose everything / ruin everyone's lives. These 2 above are holding me back somewhat as it feels too much of a risk to ignore. Previous themes for me have been HIV fears, fear or comitting a crime and forgetting, fear or running someone over in my car but all these have left after time. The cheating obsession and fear pregnancy from the toilet seat or by cheating and forgetting (resulting in looking for evidence - finding none so far and feeling like the thought itself is proof - something I would never do ... But if I have had a glass of wine I feel I might go out of control and act out, then forgetting - despite not going out hardly ever) Then there is excessive sleeping ... Is this avoidance as it is the only way my brain switches off sometimes. Advice would be greatly appreciated Thanks x
  7. Thanks everyone for your wonderful replies. Everything you have said makes perfect sense. Really appreciated. I will try harder x
  8. Thank you all for your kind replies. Am trying really hard to distract myself but still struggling. 1 + 1 is equaling 3 and I see probably quite innocent comments by people as proof I have done wrong. I am doing my own head in. I just want to enjoy my little girl not keep thinking my thoughts are true. Feels like I will never be happy and don't deserve to be and feels like my little girl deserves better than me as does my partner ? Hate OCD so much and worse by the face of doubting it is OCD too. Not sure I can do this all over again, it nearly broke me last time
  9. Hi everyone, I gave birth 11 days ago to a gorgeous little girl. I have 3 older children from my previous relationship, the youngest being 14 so a bit gap! Historically for me OCD has always got worse during pregnancy, the worst being when pregnant with my 14 year old but there was a lot of stress in my life at the time which I am sure didn't help. Anyway, fast forward to now and OCD was manageable through pregnancy. It reared its head with the same old thoughts from time to time but I did ok. It has now been 11 days since the birth and I am struggling a bit. My theme has always been 'what if I cheated and forgot' or 'what if I got pregnant from the toilet seat'. Same theme this time and not helped by the fact that it seems to have focused on the fact my partner has 2 older sons living at home and every time I see them it triggers the thoughts. I am trying really hard not to reassurance seek. I am struggling with rumination - re-tracing my steps, trying to prove if I did wrong or not and confessing the thoughts to my partner and my mum who have been great and know not to re-assure. However, just the fact of discussing the thoughts themselves is making me feel dirty and guilty. Scared at what this type of thought means about me. I actually feel physically dirty and like I don't deserve to be happy. I am scared of spoiling it for my partner too. I feel like I need to prove 100% for this to stop :'( It was quite a traumatic birth. I lost a lot of blood, found out I had strep b and baby had it from the swabs (they don't test routinely in the UK) and I spent days scared of losing her. After 3 sons i was ecstatic to be having a daughter. Just a bit of history - I left an abusive marriage 2 years ago. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive (not all the time as he was lovely too). He threw my OCD at me in front of the kids which resulted in me almost having to justify myself and hope they didn't believe the thoughts. My ex managed to turn our 18 year old son against me and I miss him massively. He has said such awful things to me. Anyway I have rambled on enough. Some advise would be greatly appreciated as I am back to thinking maybe I don't have OCD at all especially as the thoughts are back and I am with a different partner who is wonderful. Thanks for reading x
  10. I care. Perhaps I care too much. I pay and interest in people and I worry about them. Despite this it appears that people don't seem to have a problem with not giving a toss about me. Would it really hurt for certain people to check that you are ok, how you are coping etc. I end up worrying I have done something to upset them and then spend forever analysing it and playing out worst case scenarios in my head. This cant be a OCD thought as it is real. Any ideas for dealing with this? It feels as though if I upset anyone at all I am a bad person. My counsellor once said to me "so it is ok for you to be upset as long as you dont ever upset someone else" Feeling so blooming sensitive and guilty. Currently 33 weeks pregnant, very tired and hormonal and feeling rather tearful. My brain has a mind of its own at the moment. It is not helping the tiredness :'( Thanks for reading x
  11. Struggling spending time with family as feel I am a fraud and do not deserve happiness. Doing all the right things, ignoring, resisting compulsions ... is feeling a fraud in itself an obsessive thought or a bi-product of my normal 'theme'? Any ideas? Thanks in advance
  12. Thank you PolarBear and Stuckallthetime for your replies, makes perfect sense. I guess OCD isn't called the doubting disease for nothing. I even doubt I have it sometimes! I shall try harder. Would be nice if our brains had an off switch for a while wouldn't it.
  13. I feel constantly on edge and looking for thoughts... Not sure how to deal with this? It feels like I need to find out what is bothering me and then I attribute it to 'it must be to do with my OCD' .. I am resisting compulsions but I am feeling guilty and I'm not sure why. Even when good things are going on i seem intent on sabotaging it. Why, when all I am trying to be is happy ? As an example, myself and my partner had a 4D baby scan yesterday which should have been completely joyous and positive but instead I get the usual thoughts ... "What if u have cheated on ur partner and the baby is not his", resulting in feeling guilty, sad and taking the edge of the happiness followed by being sad for my partner. It is doing my head in. Partner knows my OCD thoughts and is very good. He doesn't offer reassurance but is very supportive but I feel like I am a fake who is messing mine and everyone else's life up. Why these thoughts??? Why do I have a deep urge to search my memory for evidence to support my thought and a compulsion to confess my thoughts all the time followed by a fear of being judged... What do I struggle to accept it is OCD and instead try to prove myself right. Almost 29 weeks pregnant and panicking. Thanks in advance. Pls someone reply as anxiety high and it's not good for bubba... I am trying to relax and distract myself at the moment x