I am very isolated with my ME, and having a friend for love and support, meant that I was able to cope. I really thought we would be friends forever, we had a really special connection. (We were internet friends).
Because of my ME, I need to take breaks from the internet from time to time, and sadly I have been away a lot of the time, but I always come back, and he has been so nice and supportive and understanding. So also when I came back after a longer break last year. But right after i wrote that mail, I was going away somewhere without internet and I couldn`t stay in touch with him while I was there. I informed him about this before I left. That lasted for a month, and when I got home, I was exhausted, got a migraine and couldn`t be on the internet for another while. Then more things happened to make my life unbearable, and although I really needed a friend, I was not able to reach out. This has a lot to do with my OCD, if not all. The fact that I suffered in silence, felt completely alone in the world, and it got worse and worse, and I was too scared to talk to my friend ... Because of OCD. The only thing that kept me going was the thought that I would soon speak to him again.
When I finally got back into my email, several months later, there was an email from him from months back, where he begged me to come back, he said he needed me more than ever, as he was really not in a good place.
Of course I was crushed to see that he was having such a bad time and I failed to be there for him yet again. And for such stupid reasons, that I should have overcome a long time ago, so mad at myself for giving in to the OCD. I just never imagined it would mean losing my friend. I wanted to be there for him more than anything, I love him so much, and he means the world to me. I was just so stuck and paralysed with anxiety, and I had no idea he needed me.
Thing is, he also said he wouldn`t wait for me forever, he has never said anything like that before. And I have written him several emails, where I have apologised prefusely, and tried to explain. I never imagined he would give up on me, we have talked about that before, and he has assured me, and things have just always been so good between us, it was unthinkable to me to lose that connection, and I thought he felt the same way.
But the worst part is that I really worry about his well-being. That is I am almost certain he is not well at all. After that mail, and finding his social media accounts gone, especially the one he used every day to keep in touch with people, I really worry he is not alive. I`m so crushed I can`t even describe it in words. And to think I could have been there and made a difference, made him feel less alone, and prevented the worst from happening. I don`t know how to keep living without him and I don`t know how to live with myself knowing it`s all my fault.