Torsa

I can guarantee you that even if you got that reassurance you seek about not being gay (which we've all told you is impossible, as sexuality isn't a mathematical thing that anyone can be 100% sure about), your mind would flip onto another 'what if?' theme. I've been in the same position as you. It's the underlying cognitive distortions / thinking patterns that are the issue here.

I'm going to take a slightly different tack here. If you really are gay, Eric, then would it really be as bad as you think? Your fear of being gay is keeping you stuck in this tortuous loop, so maybe this is about accepting that you may be gay and being OK with that. I've had the exact same experience. I was convinced for years that I was gay. I opened myself up to that, explored my sexuality a bit and discovered that I prefer being with women after all. It was all OCD. I reckon the same is probably true of you. Maybe you are gay, maybe you aren't. It's about living with that uncertainty. I really hope you are able to access some good quality CBT and break this cycle that you are in.

Thanks so much for posting those links, VNDO. I'm especially interested in that case study... it seems we're not the only ones with the OCD/headache combination!

That sounds really difficult... I can empathise with you both... having OCD is difficult at the best of times, without having to deal with other chronic conditions. Yeah, I'm sure there's a link between my head pains and the OCD. It's almost like the pains are a physical manifestation of the OCD. I'd probably say they're 'psychosomatic', because there doesn't seem to be a true physical cause of them (have had brain scans to rule that out). Headaches/migraines etc seem a bit of a medical mystery in general. I'd love to be able to chat with a neurologist to get their thoughts on possible links between head pains, mental illness etc.

Thanks afmoon. Yes, I've recently restarted taking amitriptyline, but it hasn't made much difference so far. I'd say my head is worse in the morning and when I'm concentrating, but it's there all the time really. Sometimes a tight ache, sometimes more shooting pains. Do you experience migraines with your OCD?

I have headaches 24/7. I'm not sure if I'd call it a migraine - it's more of a constant tension headache, like my brain is being squeezed in a vice. Have had it for years now... completely sucks.

I thought this was a sensitive, well-written article. It's no wonder that people with this flavour of OCD suffer in silence for so long is it, when these are the kinds of misunderstandings that can happen... albeit rarely, I hope.

Intrusive thoughts are obviously a core part of OCD, but I was interested in how everyone experiences these thoughts? For me, my intrusive thoughts are kind of like a permanent, buzzing cloud inside my head - like a swarm of angry bees. It's always there, but at certain times one particularly vicious bee might fly out of the swarm and make itself known. With CBT, I've got better at not paying attention to those bees, but the swarm is still always there, buzzing away in the background. How do other people experience their thoughts?

So sorry to hear you're struggling, Cub. I'm not sure what advice I can give other than what I usually try to tell myself when going through an especially bad patch... you are really strong, but you also have a serious mental health condition, so you need love, care and support. That can come from others, but you can give it to yourself too - after all, we know how best we feel and how much of a struggle it can be. You said it's hard for you to take days off, but is that something you could do if you're feeling especially rubbish? I used to feel bad about taking mental health days off, but I try and equate it to physical health now... no one would expect you to come hobbling into work if you were having a physical health crisis.

This looks beautiful, thanks for sharing. Do let us know when we can watch the full film anywhere. I love your book. Can I ask - did they keep the 'POCD' theme of your book? Or is the film more loosely based on your experiences?

That's interesting - I didn't know the full backstory around Smart TMS. The treatment makes little sense to me... OCD is such a complex and embedded thing, and I really can't see how zapping the brain with magnetic fields would have any benefit, apart from maybe via the placebo effect. I really hope he's able to get the help he needs... which I agree is probably some good quality, intensive CBT.

Powerful film on the BBC homepage today: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/stories-49501432/cure-my-ocd-i-thought-i-d-killed-someone I'm a bit skeptical about TMS - would be interested to hear if anyone on here has had experiences with it.

Hi Irene, I think many of us who've been struggling with OCD for a long time have similar experiences. I know that when I first realised I had OCD a few years ago it seemed so bound up in my identity and personality that I had no idea how I'd even go about tackling it - by that point, I'd been engaged in the OCD loop for around 15 years, and I couldn't imagine living any differently. As with anything that affects us on a day-by-day (or minute-by-minute) basis, OCD can become a huge part of our identity. But that doesn't mean you can't start making steps to get better. I think we all have some resistance when it comes to getting better - after all, we've been engaged in this thing for so long, and it's become a kind of safety blanket. But as you say, it's not really a safety blanket because it has huge impacts on our wellbeing. It might not seem it to you, but you've made a massive step just by recognising the problem and exploring the possibility of getting better. You don't need to get better overnight - recovery is a gradual process. Take your time, read up about OCD and how it can be treated with CBT, keep doing the things you love, find people who you can speak to about what you're going through - whether that be family, friends, or healthcare professionals. And the OCD community is here for you too - there are a lot of us, and we're all going through remarkably similar things.

Compulsive obsessive disorder...?! COD...?

Yeah, I've watched the first three episodes on All4, so am halfway through now. I've got mostly positive feelings towards it so far. Like you, it's probably not something I'd watch if I didn't have OCD (it doesn't really tickle my funny bone... not really my kind of humour), but I think it'll really help to raise awareness of this form of OCD. I found some bits pretty cringe-y when she get's diagnosed with OCD - you'll probably see which bits I mean when you get there! But I also appreciate that they have to make it work as a drama and make things more dramatic than they often are! My main concern was that it would ramp up the 'comedy' aspect of the intrusive thoughts (we all know there's not much comedy in OCD) at the expense of getting across the real pain of the disorder, but I'm glad they seem to be showing the hardship of it. I think they could go deeper with showing her struggle, but will reserve judgement until I've watched the whole series... They've ultimately set out to do something which is really, really difficult - visualising someone's intrusive thoughts. The sexual theme probably makes the most sense, as this is something they can be creative with and can actually show on TV. A lot of the time, it does seems like she's having hallucinations rather than 'thoughts', but I can't really think of another way they could have done it. It got me thinking about how something like this would work as a radio play, making the intrusive thoughts auditory instead of having to show them visually. For me, Rose's book was more effective, but I'm glad they've made this series, and it's never a bad thing that more people will hear about OCD and the concept of intrusive thoughts.