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About BelAnna

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  1. Hi All, Every Sunday I obsess about my family members crashing on the way to work on Monday. It's horrible to always imagine my loved ones dying. I always say 'Please drive carefully' to my loved ones, which is obviously a compulsion. I don't know what to do about this worry (apart from obviously stop the compulsion!). Do anyone else relate and what can I do about it?
  2. Yes, probably a good idea- I think you have to have an incredible level of interest in a subject to study for a PhD in it! I struggled proof reading and checking with essays so I imagine it was 10x worse with your MSc! My brother is quite a relaxed person but was incredibly stressed when he took his PhD. Both my parents and both my brothers have MScs so I'm definitely the odd one out, with just a Diploma of Higher Education! I did get A grades so really shouldn't have withdrawn from my course but at the moment I'm struggling to string sentences together. Sorry this is not really OCD related, except that the loss of my degree (I left uni last January) had a major impact on my OCD and Depression and now having a lack of purpose with no career and nothing to focus on is definitely having an effect on my OCD too! Good luck with your job search! Maybe keep reminding yourself of how well you've done and try not to be too discouraged that you are over-qualified- we just live in a very silly society!
  3. Thanks PolarBear, I do naturally take a pessimistic stance on life and I also feel very stuck at the moment- I cannot work nor find funding to study and my social skills are such a problem that I cannot do normal things (e.g. buy an item in a shop or go for a hair cut). You're right that I have survived devastating mental disorders but it's difficult when other people do not understand and just see you as a failure, for example my uncle suggested that it was important that I "got a move on" with life- if only it was that simple! I'm sorry to hear you have similar feeling Rucker. I think that you sound very successful and should be really proud of your degree and Masters degree. I know that being jobless can have a massive effect on your self-esteem though- my brother found the same after his PhD. You are right that it's important to focus on things other than careers/jobs when measuring success in life. Thanks for your help xx
  4. Hi All, Thanks so much for your support recently! I have seen a lot of my extended family and family friends recently with the funeral etc. and I cannot help but feel like such a failure when people ask me what I'm doing now- I actually just resorted to saying 'I'm not one of life's success stories' to one family friend because I'd rather be honest about how things are than pretend I'm successful. So here I am: just turned 29 a couple of weeks ago; no job (I have never had one due to very severe OCD so no CV either); no friends (I used to have good friends at uni); no social skills (I used to be sociable but was agoraphobic for a couple of years and gradually lost social skills); recent weight gain (I was size ten 18 months ago); no funding to complete my degree (went to a very prestigious uni, got A grades, dropped out with a Diploma; no boyfriend and I just feel as though I have failed at life due to my OCD, Social Anxiety Disorder and Depression! Does anyone else feel like this? How do I start feeling more hopeful and work out what the next step is? I don't want to be in the same position in 10 years or even 2 years time! Thanks xx
  5. having a really really hard time

  6. Hi PureOfied, Thanks for your message. The problem is that I get into similar 'My dog ate...' panics most (well really 'every') day and I didn't see her eating a button battery- I am just concerned that she could have. I definitely would like to get her checked and think that if I was living alone I would probably take a taxi to get her checked out BUT we have already been for other things like a swallowed mushroom, a sock and a swallowed hairbrush needle (this is despite her never being left alone). I am hoping to report back in a week that all is well but absolutely terrified about her getting ill at the same time. Today has been a horrible day and this is another worry!
  7. Dear Future Self, does this worry turn out to be real or OCD?

  8. I am struggling with my OCD a lot at the moment even though one of my biggest OCD worries turned out not to be true recently. At the moment I am in a panic state because my aunt left my gran's cabinet open (it was my gran's funeral yesterday) in our living room and my dog may have got a hearing aid battery from the cabinet. I was upstairs at the time. There were some hearing aid batteries in there in the past but I'm not sure if there were any there recently. Hearing aid batteries can lead to full thickness burns and ulcers and kill a dog, I have no car/driving licence and my family won't drive to the vets when it is not definite that she swallowed a battery. I am really anxious and quite angry about lots of things at the moment and don't know what to do?!
  9. Oh wow, I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Your Dad sounds amazingly strong so I hope you get more good news soon! xx
  10. Thanks Daja and Polarbear. I'm sorry for my post seeking reassurance- I'm not trying to be repetitive but just seek different opinions about what I should do and I guess someone to say something to make it all magically better! In reality there is very little that I can do. I don't see how this could happen when it is the thing that my OCD has been based on for 13 years. I had a chat to my cousin who helped me to feel hopeful about the chance of my Mum surviving for a while yet but this just feels like a waking nightmare. Even when I'm not worried that my thoughts caused this (sometimes I can rationalize to some extent) then I'm fairly sure that the sleep deprivation (part of which I'm responsible for) and my being an angry/irritable/anxious and difficult person have had an effect. I am working on my OCD but not currently in CBT and very confused and distressed by my situation at the moment (added to the stress of Mum's appointment tomorrow, my Gran's funeral in on Thursday and because she lived with my family and was there every day it is quite a significant day in my life). I realize this post is disjointed and I sound like I'm losing it a bit. Anyway thank you for your support PolarBear and Daja.
  11. Hi Ocd10, I hope things are going ok in the lead up to your in-patient stay. Yes, I spent 12 weeks in the ADRU at Bethlem Royal Hospital but I'm guessing you're either going to Springfield or another OCD ward? I think normally you just pack normal stuff like clothes, towels and toiletries and then some things to keep you entertained like books or magazines, a diary/journal if you have one, an MP3 player or laptop (if you're allowed one- it will depend on the hospital), a few snacks for the first week, some photos from home if you like and any other things that you need to help you feel comfortable, a soft blanket (again check the hospital rules). One of my friends at the ADRU took her exotic snails with her in a tank(!!) [I'm fairly sure that wouldn't be allowed in a normal OCD unit!]. Keep us updated on your stay if you have time and feel like it!
  12. Hello All, My Mum has an appointment for a biopsy tomorrow for suspected breast cancer. I do not understand what is happening. For years, since I was a young teenager I have had bizarre OCD thoughts about my Mum. Most revolving around fears of her getting cancer, which then became thoughts that I was wishing for bad things to happen to her. These thoughts were awful and have and continue to really bother me. I am in my twenties and have been living at home most of the time over the past few years (minus a few short stints at both hospital in London and attempts to return to my degree in Scotland) and have been vile (blaming my parents, being unkind etc.), even though my parents were caring for my gran (who had dementia and physical disabilities, continence issues, night-time wakefulness, falls etc.) and have always been kind to me. I also kept having a thought when staying up late (2am+) at night (pretty much every night) that I was deliberately doing it to cause my Mum cancer; all the while having these weird thoughts, although they lessened over the past year as my OCD latched onto my dog! I cannot make sense of what is happening. I do not know what to do if the worst comes to the worst (i.e. if it turns out be the suspected 'inflammatory' type cancer, which has a less than 20% 5-year survival rate). I really think I am evil but that labelling myself as 'evil' is just a cop-out for actually having done real, significant and repeated harm. I don't know what to do at all. Why would I deliberately make this happen? I know that people think that stress and lack of sleep are not necessarily significant factors but they can trigger immune responses that cause illness. What am I supposed to do now? Why did this happen? Why did I let the OCD affect my behaviours? How come I can love my Mum so much that this is the worst thing I can imagine happening and yet behave so badly (I would class it as emotional abuse). I don't know why I'm posting here but if anyone can help i'd really appreciate it x
  13. Thanks Jessie_Loz for the supportive message! Hope your OCD is ok just now xx
  14. rejoined as a member- hello everyone! love Annabel x

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. BelAnna


      Thanks Taurean and Daja!

    3. lostinme


      Welcome Annabel :)

    4. Snowdog


      Welcome :a1_cheesygrin:

  15. Thanks Daja and PolarBear, I had already eaten the beans before I realized they might not be safe so I had no option. It was so stupid of me- I should have checked that they had not been opened first and checked the date. I am scared I will be very unwell (vomiting is one of my biggest fears) and that it may happen somewhere problematic such as at the funeral or when we're driving somewhere. My Mum might have cancer and if she does she will need to be hospitalized very soon and I have wasted tonight worrying and complaining yet again