Soe2014

Thank you for your reply, I've referred myself to a service I've used in my city before, I'm hoping to make some progress again soon! Thanks again

Hi everyone! Bit about me first of all, I'm 22 and I've had OCD for 2 years now, and depression for about 7 - I was going through a massively tough time in 2014/15 when I was living in a different country, and that's when I developed OCD I think. I couldn't control anything else so I started rituals and became obsessed with contamination. I tell myself I'm fine and I guess I've improved loads over the last year (I'm much less depressed but still consumed by the OCD) but it's nowhere near enough. My brain is constantly worrying and obsessing over if everything is 'safe' (clean? Things not touching? Things locked?). I go through so much soap and hand sanitiser it's ridiculous. I have to wash everything before I can eat or drink from it. I've been to various counsellors over the years and last year I did CBT with a noticeable improvement before stress got to me and I had a long bad period. It's really getting to me, like I said, I'm less depressed but constantly consumed by thoughts and I'm SO angry about what it's already cost me. So, my question is, where do I even start with recovery? Ideally I'd like to do CBT again but I have one day off a week which changes so it's not possible yet. How did everyone make steps? Any self help books? Self exposure? I'm worried I'm going to rush it and have a setback or just not push myself enough. What should my partner do to keep me on track? (I'm going to stop making him take part in my rituals because I make him use hand sanitiser a lot and it's ridiculous). any advice about where to start and how to self help would be much appreciated, thank you! Have a great week everyone!

I have 8000 words to write and an exam to revise for over the next month and to say I'm stressed is an understatement. I improved a little, I stopped showering before bed every single night and washing my hands so much but it's getting so bad again, probably because of uni. I'm really disappointed in myself. I was discharged from the counselling service I was seeing and I think next week I'm going to get some medication from the doctor but then I'll have to hide it when I stay with my parents for Christmas. I feel so guilty for putting my partner through this. He is really patient but lately he's been a bit off which I understand, I must annoy him a lot. I got really upset after a long day today so I went into our bedroom and let off some steam and when I came out and tried to talk to him he was more interested in the TV, cooked himself some dinner so I had crackers because I couldn't deal with going through the whole process of cleaning, cooking and eating. I don't know why I'm even writing this, I just need to get it out of my system or I won't sleep. This is all my fault and there's only me who can change it - even more pressure. I feel so detached and tired. I'm going to see my family this week so I hope I can just take a few days to relax. It never gets easier, does it?

I know that everyone has different compulsions etc. but what's the best way to explain that your problems with mental health aren't your choice? Last night I had pretty bad anxiety attacks - I felt like I was blocked from doing simple things like washing up and showering but I had to do them before going to bed. I felt really dissociated and I just couldn't, of course I know there was no danger but I felt as if there was. I'm in a low mood recently and I find it hard to motivate myself to do things and I just couldn't wash up last night. But anyway, my boyfriend was already in bed and he kept telling me to just wash up and then shower and go to sleep - as if it was that easy. I was really upset and felt really out of control and I tried to express that I needed some support (it's not very often I'd try to get someone to stay awake to support me and I feel a bit pathetic now but I just needed someone to sit with me and distract me and he was the only person there). He got really frustrated and swore at me which he's never really done in nearly 4 years and I was really taken aback by how stand offish he seemed - again, I want to stress that I understand that he wanted to sleep, he doesn't understand what's going on with me because he's never felt it but I just feel as if my situation was belittled. I know there was no threat but to me it's totally real and it was terrifying, and being faced with the fact that I'm affecting my relationship in a negative way was a slap in the face. I'm really trying to get past this, I went to a counselor but she just told me I would benefit going to a local scheme that offers CBT and didn't offer further appointments there. Of course there's a waiting list for the CBT but I've sorted the referral and requested a consultation but it could be weeks. To begin with I didn't want to take medication because I'm worried about side effects and the cost but I've made an appointment with a doctor next week because I really need something to back me up while I figure this out. I'd really like to talk to people about this - I'm planning on talking to my parents at the weekend. I didn't want to because I was feeling better and last month my grandad was diagnosed with dementia which has obviously shaken me - another thing I have no control over and a real life bad situation that will never improve. I don't want to give my parents anything else to worry about. I'd like to talk to my boyfriend and apologise but explain quickly and articulately that it sometimes things feel like a life or death situation to me. I just want him to know that I'm not attention seeking or making things difficult on purpose. I'm really doing my best. I just want people to take mental health seriously, if I had a broken leg people would take me to the hospital and give me painkillers, not brush it off and tell me to deal with it. I don't know, that's probably an awful comparison but mental health problems aren't a choice. I'm so confused and scared that this is my life forever, I'm only 20 Are there maybe any resources that explain objectively that explain it better than me rambling? Thank you if you read all this, I'd just like to reassure you that I'm not usually so needy or desperate, I'm in a bit of a bad patch!

I don't know if this is good advice or not but think of how a person without OCD (your flatmates) would act - if it's not hurting your flatmates, it won't hurt you either - and if it does (a teeny tiny chance), what's the worst that could realistically happen? I know how it feels though, I experienced this for three years - fortunately now I live with my boyfriend who I don't mind having stern words with I hope it gets better for you!

I have a week until my first counselling session and I can't get an appointment at my doctors for a while but everything's getting on top of me today. My parents and grandparents are visiting tonight so I've spent all day cleaning the flat - the last few days I've wanted to clean but I've been pretty down about things and didn't do it to avoid the stress. I just cleaned and now I'm worrying about whatever might have gotten on my hands even though I've washed them since. I'm on my own all the time, my boyfriend works full time and I'm looking for jobs/waiting for lectures to start so I actually have too much time on my hands. Eating is hard, it's hard for me to use pots and things without washing them first but I find washing them really hard because it's giving in and I really don't want to. My boyfriend saw how serious it really is a few nights ago and he's started washing up after dinner more for me which is a little better, but he's not the tidiest person, bless him. I asked him to help me, not by reassuring but by telling me that it doesn't matter and that these things have never hurt me before, I hope that's the right thing to do. I really want to stop this but I don't know how. Other things are building up, my grandad was diagnosed with dememtia and it's a little daunting knowing what's coming and I feel out of control. Being confronted with things that make you think about mortality makes me feel like I'm wasting my life worrying about whether my flat is safe, but then again, it's not just 'worrying'. I don't even know what the point of this post is but does anyone have experience with an aversion to cooking/eating? I really don't want it to affect my health more than it already has. I'm open to any suggestions - I don't want to keep wasting water but I don't want to buy plastic cutlery to use and throw away (I did that once, oops!) On the bright side, I'm still determined to kick my habits (eventually) and I've been trying new ways to destress/focus - my muscles are currently screaming but pilates is great ? My counselling appointment will be nearly over this time next week - fingers crossed it will bring progress!

Thank you for your comments, everyone! I found them really helpful, I keep coming back to them when I'm having a hard time! It's tough, but we'll all make it through I actually made an appointment with a counsellor - I have to wait until the 17th but at least I've done it. I'll see where it goes from there! I'm battling with myself to not give into compulsions and fighting against yourself is a funny thing! Thanks again, I'm feeling much better in a way

Hi, this is the first time I've posted here, I'm 20 years old and I've had problems with anxiety since I was 14. To begin with it was anxiety attacks and it's become more and more obsessive and like paranoia. I know everyone worries about things but this takes over my life and really affects me. I've always struggled, I nearly dropped out of my first year of uni due to depression and I've recently returned from a year abroad teaching English in Germany. When I came home for 2 weeks for Christmas, I dreaded going back because I wasn't coping. I loved living there but I was unwell and not eating and just getting worse. On the day I was supposed to fly back, I broke down and instead of taking me to the airport, my dad took me to the doctors. I went back a week later with beta blockers that don't really help, and I finished the year abroad. I've come back and it's a surprisingly big adjustment. I don't have a job and last month I moved in with my boyfriend of 4 years (something good in this post!) - I want a job to help with money (I'm really careful and have savings but I feel like I'm useless if I don't work) but honestly, I don't feel like I can. My family and friends are supportive but they don't really understand properly. Lately I've become obsessed with cleanliness. In my second year of uni I developed a fear of getting ill because I was so stressed and didn't want to lose any time/illness is just an inconvenience. Now I use hand sanitiser so much my hands are raw and everytime I cook I feel the need to wash everything before. I don't eat meat anymore because I think it's dangerous. I'm trying to be rational because I've never been harmed by anything before and I know it's completely irrational to obsess over it. Nothing is ever clean or safe enough and I obsess over whether I've left the house safe whenever I leave (did I turn the switches off/did I leave a mess/did I lock the door and windows etc.) Tonight my boyfriend is at a friend's birthday meal and is staying with him tonight because he works in the same city - I don't mind being on my own but it's a lot worse if I am and it's harder to relax or calm down. Before getting into bed I had to run through a list of things I had to do and I had to check I'd turned the cooker off multiple times - I always think my head is lying to me. I'm going to the doctors again soon because I don't want to keep living this way, I'm doing my best to stop being so obsessive about things but it really comes in bouts I guess. I know how silly it is but I can't help myself. Right now I can't stop thinking about how I should wash the bedding and all my clothes in case there's something dangerous on them. I know the doctors might be able to suggest medication or some sort of therapy but really I want to know - how can I help myself more? I'm trying to be more rational and cut down on the things I do which I know just feed the obessions but it's hard. Im happy with my life but this is starting to take over and I cant afford to let it. Thanks if you read this, I'd really appreciate any advice.