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Ironborn

Bulletin Board User
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    Sufferer

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    Netherlands

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  1. Hello all! Ive been fighting OCD, Depression, and general anxiety for quite some years now right now im 30 years old and ive been having these issues for at least 6 - 7 years now. My depression has been away for quite some times, but sometimes sort of pops up again. I went trough a 12 week program recently (2 weeks ago it ended). en those 12 weeks were for my OCD. i went 4 whole days a week x 12 into groups therapy, and have learned alot to cope with my OCD. But now since im 'free' again, ive signed up for a new job, quit my previous one (because of my contract that expires soon). and these last 12 weeks also gave me alot of stress and im pretty tired from it. Right now im having 2 weeks off to get my head cleared from the 12 weeks and the 16th of april im starting my new job which in the first period will be 2 days a week. Now the issue here is; since a couple of days ive been feeling this urge to constantly cry again, im on meds (zoloft) for ocd and depression. so i find it weird that these depressive feelings reach the surface. Due to my ocd i think im also prone to do ALOT of ruminating of the fact if im depressed or not. it feels as if my OCD now latched onto a new obsession called 'depression'. The whole day im checking myself if i feel symptoms of depression, and everytime i do feel some weird feeling or sadness i get very anxious whoch causes to make me ruminate more and feel more signs of 'depression'. Another weird thing i figured which i find really hard to explain because its very vague. i would like to say they are thoughts but somehow they feel more as if they are just 'present' if you know what i mean? So i get thoughts like, am i depressed? en then instead of looking for depression signals i just assume its true that i have depression, as if its always there but sometimes wont show its face. im not really sure how to explain this, but its just a sensation combined with just 'knowing', im depressed. This all may be just a thought to get me fooled thinking its something else but i find it really weird, and makes me even feel my depression is not from thoughts but maybe given to me from some higher power? and thats weird aswell, because im not religious but i sometimes just feel like that could be the case. Another thought that really distorts me from trying to see things in a positive perspective, is that alot of times my thoughts will be; *;maybe depression is the normal kind of state, and being happy is the sickess?; *;Who said happyness is the goal of life? what if we were ment to be sad and unhappy? what is that is what the universe has ment for us? ; You see these thoughts are very discouraging for me, because there is no 100% definite answer to it. no one can give an answer to what the meaning of the universe really is. And because there might be the possibility even if the chance is only 0,1% that we are ment to be sad and depressed, makes it very hard for me to fully commit myself to become happy, its always lingering in the back of my mind. The thing i am worried about right now if this thing that is going on inside me is really depression? or maybe just a little bit depression with a whole lot of OCD mixed into it? I know this is a very long post, but i am just hoping someone could maybe relate to this. I feel very lonely with these thoughts because i feel i might be the only person who has such distorted thoughts about life in general.
  2. Ocd back with vengeance

    Thank you so much gingerbreadgirl for the quick response. Yes this illness is very crappy. its the hardest thing i have ever had to go trough in my life. OCD even becomes more difficult when it goes and latch itself onto things that really happened or sort of happened. because we all make mistakes (i guess) and those mistakes are the perfect environment for OCD to tell you you are a bad person or in my case a monster. On the other hand if this was true why would i feel so much guilt in general. Why would i have so much empathy for other people and living creatures? a real monster would not feel such things right? And that is where the conflict inside of me goes about. How can i be ok as a person while sometimes making mistakes that might cause a little bit to maybe more harm to other living creatures including humans. I guess that media also feeds OCD in the way that all you see on tv, internet, facebook etc etc is how we people should behave and what is right or wrong. I see my OCD as the combined opinions of all those people around the globe. no matter what you think, say or do there will always be someone who thinks that is not ok. and the fact that even one person on this earth might feel this way is unbearable for my OCD.
  3. Ocd back with vengeance

    I know these are compulsions and you are right. Its just that ive been trying to better myself as a person trough the last 6 - 7 years (which i recently found out probably also has been a compulsion). but i just dont want to be a bad person. And since what happened last saturday, and a friend of mine telling me i touched other people (womans) hair and that i might have tugged or pulled it a bit, just gives me horror thoughts. i see these images of me hurting other woman and dragging them to the ground, altough my friend says i was just teasing and being play-like. but somehow i just cannot seem to move past this thing especially because i cannot recall myself what happend. I have learned in the past 12 weeks that this uncertain feeling is something i should accept and 'endure'. but i feel as if this one might be there for life and wont go away (typical OCD thought btw). You see i know alot how my OCD works, but i still feel very anxious and sometimes even panic sets in.
  4. Hello all. The last 12 weeks ive been in intensive therapy for my ocd. This therapy was 4 full days a week. But last weekend, right after my last week of therapy, i did something stupid which has made my ocd flare up like crazy. I went out with some friends and had some drinks, but before i knew i had drank waaay to much, en the next day day ik woke up in my bed with no memory of the festival at all. This caused my ocd to go nuts and made me think i might have attacked people or anything similar. I then contacted a friend of mine to ask what happened and he said i was being very touchy to other woman, but more in the sense of teasing them, i would touch there hair and ask for a kiss on my cheek. He even said i sort of pulled their hair as a way of teasing them. Know that i am married, and that one of my biggest ocd themes is cheating or hurting others. After hearing this from my friend who was pretty intoxicated himself to btw. I immediately went into panic mode, i now feel and believe i molested other woman and that i should be put in jail. In normal life i know for 1000% certain i would never do such things, looking for attention from other woman, especially not touching them in any way. I immediately confessedbit all to my wife, who really did not care about it. She said she does not mind any of it because she knows i only love her. Ive spoken to my therapist this morning about what happened but i cannot seem to calm down. Ive been googling this whole morning words like [ teasing, hair pulling, asking for kisses, etc etc] and iven started googling #metoo because i want to know if what i did could be placed under that subject. How can i recover from this? My biggest fear is that i migjt hurt anyone or do anything to be considered a monster and need to go to jail.
  5. Hello all. For a while now ive been dealing with OCD. but recently ive been getting obsessions about an other subject which im not sure is OCD or just the truth. I am in the military right now, also im doing a therapy for my ocd which are 4 days per week tue-fri for 12 weeks in total im going into my 3th week tomorrow. Once im done with the therapy in april im going to quit my job at the military and work at a company of some friends of mine. Now the thing im having alot of obsessions about is my being a soldier and also a veteran, ive realised that i am part of an organisation that maybe has killed thousands of people also innocent people. altough luckily ive never had to pull te trigger myself in these past 12,5 years. i still feel i am to blame for the deaths that have fallen, because im part of this organisation and thus enabling others to murder people. which makes me a (mass) murderer aswell. Ever since this hs come up i just cannot seem to get rid of it, also not with cbt, because in the end what i am saying is true i do am part of such an organisation that had killed alot of people. I feel so much guilt everyday that i just cannot deal with it. The same goes for me not eating meat or animal products anymore, because i feel i enable animal cruelty by eating and drinking animal products, and this goes on and on, i feel guilty for driving my car which causes air polution and kills animals, people, and other living things.. What can i do about this? im so confused. Im a 100% sure its not PTSD because before my ocd came up a couple of years ago, i never thought about this. To me OCD sometimes feels like its the next level of evolution to human beings, as if OCD gives you the insight into what is right and wrong. therefore its hard for me to just say 'well its OCD so its not true'. What if its not OCD but just us humans evolving into more sensitive and empathetic human beings??
  6. Hi all. Partly due to my ocd ive become a complete vegan. No animal products at all. Today i ordered some veggie sushi and during eating it i noticed there was some mayonaise sauce in between the rice. I became frustrated because i wanted to finish it. So i took 2 more bites of it but eventually felt to bad about it. I went upstairs and started throwing up, and i just could not stop. I kept thinking that this sauce was in my stomach and i needed to get it out or else i am i bad person for eating a product with animal products in it. I kept throwing up until blood came with it. But i just couldn't stop, i felt i had to do this to make amends with the animals (chickens) being hurt for laying these eggs in severe circumstances. And suddenly my wife knocked the door. She heard it all. And ive been trying to explain. But im ashamed of myself. In January im starting a very intense therapy for my ocd. But i dont know what to do about this thing that happened today. After throwing up until seeing blood and even beyond that. I just donated 10 euros to a charity that saves chickens from these bad hatchery places to try and make it right somehow, but it does not take away the horrible act ive done by eating mayonaise while knowing it had mayonaise in it. But i still feel like a bad person. Why did i choose to finish my bite while having found out there was mayonaise in it? At the moment i thought it was good exposure. But right now im feeling just so guilty l. And im mad at myself for being such a bad person.
  7. Well i know m not just going to stop my meds altough i feel like i should. If i did i know i would go from bad to way way worse, i just hope that also this ocd topic will fade away with time. but for now it feels very disturbing and as if it will be there forever and never letting me go.
  8. i prob would not decline the meds, but even thinking about it makes me feel like i would be selfish.....
  9. It just feels so wrong to keep taking my meds while somewhere in a lab people might be experimenting on mice with this med, and they do so because they make there money from people like me who need those meds. and that brings me to the question; why would my life be more improtant then that of 1 ? 10 ? 100? maybe 1000s of mice over all these years??? They give these mice OCD on purpose and then test those SSRI's on them. almost everything i use in life somehow connects to hurting anything that lives. i feel that i can only justify taking these meds if that would mean i would get better, and being able to promote animal free meds, i feel i have to do something in return for taking these meds, or else im selfish and a bad person.
  10. Right now my ocd is becoming so severe that i feel i need to stop taking my meds (Zoloft) because they most prob are not vegan friendly. i guess mice have been experimented on with SSRI's and me taking these medications would only promote animal experiments. Actually i feel that everything i use in my daily life somehow causes more hurt to animals and people. which means our whole society is really messed up and we humans are the downfall to this world. it feels as if i'm almost gifted this insight and that the only way to stop it is by not living anymore, that is the only way i can prevent myself from hurting anything that lives on this planet.
  11. Well i think its ocd because ive never had this before. Or atleast OCD is taking it to a new level, My OCD lately has been about me worthy of living on this planet. I feel that i have caused so much suffering to Everyone and anything i killed so much animals due to eating meat. i turned complete vegan 6 months ago because my mind kept telling me i was a mass animal murderer. im afraid to go outside at night due to stepping on snails aswell, whenever i drive my car and i see an insect on my windows i have to stop and make sure it gets of my car safe. Then a few weeks ago i started watching this series on netflix about pablo escobar. and at some point during the series they mentioned that everyday a certain amount of people die because of the drug trafficing etc etc. quite some years ago i did some substances just recreationa,l never in any kind i was dependent on them. and about almost 4 years ago i decided on myself that i was done with it, and never touched any of it again and never wanted to anymore. (i have to mention that my ocd seemed to be triggered when i did use a certain substance after a night out). also there were some difficult life events during that moment, but i can only guess that my ocd manifested itself due to a combination of those things. but to get back at the point i was trying to make, after while seeing the series and there mentioning a couple people die everyday due to being shot, killed , etc etc because of the drugs. I started feeling extremely guilty, it felt and still feels as if i have blood on my hands. But now this subject has moved on towards my work and i feel as if i am guilty of all the people that somehow got killed by any soldier from my country and our allies. just picture feeling guilty for maybe thousands of deaths ??? I noticed that my ocd somehow has turned into a kind of OCD which is trying to tell me i do not deserve to live, and it has come to the point that it really feels as if my OCD wont stop until it gets what it want, and that is suicide. The problem is... i really dont want to die. i really want to be happy, have kids with my wife and just live life. why wont my ocd let me have that? I already am geting help, upcoming january im getting more help for my ocd il be joining a therapy for 3 months where im going to get therapy 4 full days a week. Also i recently in consultation with my pd (a week ago) i upped my dose of zoloft from 150 to 200 mgs which is the max dosage. but somehow things do not seem to help me anymore, ive been on zoloft for about 3 years now, but i feel it might have pooped out for me, is this even possible?
  12. Hello all. Ive had many ocd forms in the last couple of years. But recently i have been tortured by a new one. Ive been in the military for 12 years now, and went to Afghanistan once in 2008. Luckily ive never had to shoot during all these years, but last week a thought creeped into my mind which got me obsessing about it. Altough i never shot anyone or (killed) ive been getting the thought that i do am part of an organization that does sometimes kill others, and i feel that ive been to blame aswell for all these murders, because i still am part of this organization and with my support in whatever way is helping killing others. Right now i feel as if im not worth living anymore and i feel extreme amounts of guilt, it almost feels as if death is my only option out. Im just so scared because i want to be happy have children with my wife, but i cannot seem to get over this, how can i ever forgive myself????
  13. Hi all. We all know about the intrusive thoughts and how OCD can latch onto them. These thoughts usually are for example pictures of hurting a loved one etc etc. But what if it was not really hurting a loved one, but more a thought about what happens to them? To give you guys an example, my wife is currently having some appointments at the doctor to check up on her uterus, to see if eveything is okay. Im even a little nervous, because she forgot her last appointment, and she has some pain in her lower belly. im actually afraid something might be wrong with her, but i try and stay calm for her. It could be alot of other things so im trying not to get all to crazy about this. But alot of the times i suddenly get the thought 'maybe she deserves this for doing this or that' and i immediatly get scared of such thoughts, and i start saying no no no no no (sometimes almost screaming to myself internally) i dont want her to be sick or anything. i just start fighting it and telling myself i really do not wish such things for my wife. And then 3 mins later again some thought pops up and tells me 'it would be nice an calm at home if she was gone'. These thoughts really freak me out and make me judge my love for my wife. Why would i think such things? i love her so much and the thought of her not being with me, or if anything happens to her really tears me apart, i want her in my life, she is my everything! Sometimes i can feel these thought s coming up, and if they still arise even after im noticing they are coming up im really disappointed in myself, why could i not prevent such thoughts which tell me that i wish harm upon my wife? after i get really depressed and start thinking; this time i even felt it coming up and i still got the thought, this must mean its not ocd but its actually me wanting it. Is this Still OCD or could these thoughts be really mine ??????
  14. Is this ocd like?

    also i would have to notice that somehow i seem to get more depressed duri ng the week the clock is about to go 1 hour back.... i find this weird....? im afraid that it will nog get better after the times goes one hour back... My depression also startred 5 years ago exactly around the same time i can feel it coming back now.. ive always remembered that my depression came during the change of time in the end of oktober, and now i feel the same thing happening as 5 years ago happened... what is this?
  15. Hey all. About 4 months ago i restarted my meds (sertraline) i am at 150 mgs right now. And it has done alot for me. But somehow since last Monday i have started to feel more down again. In the past i also had depression alongside my ocd. And now i feel the depression might come back, due to some new obsessive thoughts this week. I cannot seem to stop thinking and ruminate about the thought of getting depressed again, i keep checking myself if i feel sad and or have the urge to cry. Im so bummed out, because finally things started to look a bit more positive. And im afraid to lose all that progress again.
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