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Ironborn

Bulletin Board User
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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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    Male
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    Netherlands

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  1. Hello all. For a while now ive been dealing with OCD. but recently ive been getting obsessions about an other subject which im not sure is OCD or just the truth. I am in the military right now, also im doing a therapy for my ocd which are 4 days per week tue-fri for 12 weeks in total im going into my 3th week tomorrow. Once im done with the therapy in april im going to quit my job at the military and work at a company of some friends of mine. Now the thing im having alot of obsessions about is my being a soldier and also a veteran, ive realised that i am part of an organisation that maybe has killed thousands of people also innocent people. altough luckily ive never had to pull te trigger myself in these past 12,5 years. i still feel i am to blame for the deaths that have fallen, because im part of this organisation and thus enabling others to murder people. which makes me a (mass) murderer aswell. Ever since this hs come up i just cannot seem to get rid of it, also not with cbt, because in the end what i am saying is true i do am part of such an organisation that had killed alot of people. I feel so much guilt everyday that i just cannot deal with it. The same goes for me not eating meat or animal products anymore, because i feel i enable animal cruelty by eating and drinking animal products, and this goes on and on, i feel guilty for driving my car which causes air polution and kills animals, people, and other living things.. What can i do about this? im so confused. Im a 100% sure its not PTSD because before my ocd came up a couple of years ago, i never thought about this. To me OCD sometimes feels like its the next level of evolution to human beings, as if OCD gives you the insight into what is right and wrong. therefore its hard for me to just say 'well its OCD so its not true'. What if its not OCD but just us humans evolving into more sensitive and empathetic human beings??
  2. Hi all. Partly due to my ocd ive become a complete vegan. No animal products at all. Today i ordered some veggie sushi and during eating it i noticed there was some mayonaise sauce in between the rice. I became frustrated because i wanted to finish it. So i took 2 more bites of it but eventually felt to bad about it. I went upstairs and started throwing up, and i just could not stop. I kept thinking that this sauce was in my stomach and i needed to get it out or else i am i bad person for eating a product with animal products in it. I kept throwing up until blood came with it. But i just couldn't stop, i felt i had to do this to make amends with the animals (chickens) being hurt for laying these eggs in severe circumstances. And suddenly my wife knocked the door. She heard it all. And ive been trying to explain. But im ashamed of myself. In January im starting a very intense therapy for my ocd. But i dont know what to do about this thing that happened today. After throwing up until seeing blood and even beyond that. I just donated 10 euros to a charity that saves chickens from these bad hatchery places to try and make it right somehow, but it does not take away the horrible act ive done by eating mayonaise while knowing it had mayonaise in it. But i still feel like a bad person. Why did i choose to finish my bite while having found out there was mayonaise in it? At the moment i thought it was good exposure. But right now im feeling just so guilty l. And im mad at myself for being such a bad person.
  3. Well i know m not just going to stop my meds altough i feel like i should. If i did i know i would go from bad to way way worse, i just hope that also this ocd topic will fade away with time. but for now it feels very disturbing and as if it will be there forever and never letting me go.
  4. i prob would not decline the meds, but even thinking about it makes me feel like i would be selfish.....
  5. It just feels so wrong to keep taking my meds while somewhere in a lab people might be experimenting on mice with this med, and they do so because they make there money from people like me who need those meds. and that brings me to the question; why would my life be more improtant then that of 1 ? 10 ? 100? maybe 1000s of mice over all these years??? They give these mice OCD on purpose and then test those SSRI's on them. almost everything i use in life somehow connects to hurting anything that lives. i feel that i can only justify taking these meds if that would mean i would get better, and being able to promote animal free meds, i feel i have to do something in return for taking these meds, or else im selfish and a bad person.
  6. Right now my ocd is becoming so severe that i feel i need to stop taking my meds (Zoloft) because they most prob are not vegan friendly. i guess mice have been experimented on with SSRI's and me taking these medications would only promote animal experiments. Actually i feel that everything i use in my daily life somehow causes more hurt to animals and people. which means our whole society is really messed up and we humans are the downfall to this world. it feels as if i'm almost gifted this insight and that the only way to stop it is by not living anymore, that is the only way i can prevent myself from hurting anything that lives on this planet.
  7. Well i think its ocd because ive never had this before. Or atleast OCD is taking it to a new level, My OCD lately has been about me worthy of living on this planet. I feel that i have caused so much suffering to Everyone and anything i killed so much animals due to eating meat. i turned complete vegan 6 months ago because my mind kept telling me i was a mass animal murderer. im afraid to go outside at night due to stepping on snails aswell, whenever i drive my car and i see an insect on my windows i have to stop and make sure it gets of my car safe. Then a few weeks ago i started watching this series on netflix about pablo escobar. and at some point during the series they mentioned that everyday a certain amount of people die because of the drug trafficing etc etc. quite some years ago i did some substances just recreationa,l never in any kind i was dependent on them. and about almost 4 years ago i decided on myself that i was done with it, and never touched any of it again and never wanted to anymore. (i have to mention that my ocd seemed to be triggered when i did use a certain substance after a night out). also there were some difficult life events during that moment, but i can only guess that my ocd manifested itself due to a combination of those things. but to get back at the point i was trying to make, after while seeing the series and there mentioning a couple people die everyday due to being shot, killed , etc etc because of the drugs. I started feeling extremely guilty, it felt and still feels as if i have blood on my hands. But now this subject has moved on towards my work and i feel as if i am guilty of all the people that somehow got killed by any soldier from my country and our allies. just picture feeling guilty for maybe thousands of deaths ??? I noticed that my ocd somehow has turned into a kind of OCD which is trying to tell me i do not deserve to live, and it has come to the point that it really feels as if my OCD wont stop until it gets what it want, and that is suicide. The problem is... i really dont want to die. i really want to be happy, have kids with my wife and just live life. why wont my ocd let me have that? I already am geting help, upcoming january im getting more help for my ocd il be joining a therapy for 3 months where im going to get therapy 4 full days a week. Also i recently in consultation with my pd (a week ago) i upped my dose of zoloft from 150 to 200 mgs which is the max dosage. but somehow things do not seem to help me anymore, ive been on zoloft for about 3 years now, but i feel it might have pooped out for me, is this even possible?
  8. Hello all. Ive had many ocd forms in the last couple of years. But recently i have been tortured by a new one. Ive been in the military for 12 years now, and went to Afghanistan once in 2008. Luckily ive never had to shoot during all these years, but last week a thought creeped into my mind which got me obsessing about it. Altough i never shot anyone or (killed) ive been getting the thought that i do am part of an organization that does sometimes kill others, and i feel that ive been to blame aswell for all these murders, because i still am part of this organization and with my support in whatever way is helping killing others. Right now i feel as if im not worth living anymore and i feel extreme amounts of guilt, it almost feels as if death is my only option out. Im just so scared because i want to be happy have children with my wife, but i cannot seem to get over this, how can i ever forgive myself????
  9. Hi all. We all know about the intrusive thoughts and how OCD can latch onto them. These thoughts usually are for example pictures of hurting a loved one etc etc. But what if it was not really hurting a loved one, but more a thought about what happens to them? To give you guys an example, my wife is currently having some appointments at the doctor to check up on her uterus, to see if eveything is okay. Im even a little nervous, because she forgot her last appointment, and she has some pain in her lower belly. im actually afraid something might be wrong with her, but i try and stay calm for her. It could be alot of other things so im trying not to get all to crazy about this. But alot of the times i suddenly get the thought 'maybe she deserves this for doing this or that' and i immediatly get scared of such thoughts, and i start saying no no no no no (sometimes almost screaming to myself internally) i dont want her to be sick or anything. i just start fighting it and telling myself i really do not wish such things for my wife. And then 3 mins later again some thought pops up and tells me 'it would be nice an calm at home if she was gone'. These thoughts really freak me out and make me judge my love for my wife. Why would i think such things? i love her so much and the thought of her not being with me, or if anything happens to her really tears me apart, i want her in my life, she is my everything! Sometimes i can feel these thought s coming up, and if they still arise even after im noticing they are coming up im really disappointed in myself, why could i not prevent such thoughts which tell me that i wish harm upon my wife? after i get really depressed and start thinking; this time i even felt it coming up and i still got the thought, this must mean its not ocd but its actually me wanting it. Is this Still OCD or could these thoughts be really mine ??????
  10. Is this ocd like?

    also i would have to notice that somehow i seem to get more depressed duri ng the week the clock is about to go 1 hour back.... i find this weird....? im afraid that it will nog get better after the times goes one hour back... My depression also startred 5 years ago exactly around the same time i can feel it coming back now.. ive always remembered that my depression came during the change of time in the end of oktober, and now i feel the same thing happening as 5 years ago happened... what is this?
  11. Hey all. About 4 months ago i restarted my meds (sertraline) i am at 150 mgs right now. And it has done alot for me. But somehow since last Monday i have started to feel more down again. In the past i also had depression alongside my ocd. And now i feel the depression might come back, due to some new obsessive thoughts this week. I cannot seem to stop thinking and ruminate about the thought of getting depressed again, i keep checking myself if i feel sad and or have the urge to cry. Im so bummed out, because finally things started to look a bit more positive. And im afraid to lose all that progress again.
  12. Hey guys. I have had all sorts of OCD themes, but one that always comes back is me being a bad person. Lately i have been afraid to harm anything that lives or had lived. i have become completely vegan (partly... mostly due to my ocd???). and i am afraid i am stepping on bugs etc. now more than a week ago i noticed there was a moth in our toilet room. it scared me a bit but i did not pay to much attention to it. i have only been home a couple of times in the last 1 - 2 weeks due to a divorce i am going trough right now. and every time i went into the toilet i noticed the moth. and i just did not give it any attention. now last night when i was home for some stuff. my wife mentioned the moth, i told her i already spotted it a week ago or so. she asked me why i not already set it free at the time, and i just never really thought of that. so i went into the toilet put it in a glass and layed in on the floor outside, but it did not move. this morning it was still on the same spot, it must have died. i now feel huge guilt because i may could have saved its life if i would have set it free earlier. i feel like a scumbag, and who i think i am that i can decide if something deserves to live or not? I am comparing it to humans or loved ones. what if they were trapped, would i leave them there to die? no i don't think so. so why would the life of this moth be less important then theres? It literately goes as far as to that my ocd tells me i am not worth of living on this planet because i am making decisions that kill other living beings. people tell me i should not worry about these subject so much, because they think i am a great person with a really big hearth. Serious i try to do my best and not hurt anyone or anything, but i just seem to fail every time again, i am so sick of myself. ive been talking with my pdoc and they are going to send me to a place where they are specialised in OCD and other anxiety disorders. they offer a therapy that is 4 days a week, and even offer that you can sleep there for those days. this would be a program of 12 weeks (4days a week). i feel that i am gonna need this, because i really am at a low point, ive been getting therapy for my ocd for almost 2 years now, but i just feel that is is not enough. i really hope they find me fitting into the program, because i still have to do a intake there, so its not yet determined that im going.
  13. Hello all. After going back and forth with my wife for a while now she decided to end our relationship 4 days ago, this sent me into a total anxiety mode. Last thursday i was sitting at home alone, and begun getting suicidal thoughts. And i was lucky that my father in law called me at that moment to talk me over into getting hospitalized. I agreed and i was taken into the military psychological clinic the same day. That is where i am right now, i feel like i can not sink any deeper. Im in my 2nd week of zoloft (which i had quit 6 months ago) and today ive been having a really bad day. Ive convinced myself i am a rapist, because i started thinking about the last year when me and my wife had intercourse, Which was rare btw but those moments we did had intercourse i always noticed she was in some way not really present with her mind. I now understand why, because about a month ago she told me she has been seeing this other man for over a year now she met him in the train on her way to work. My mind is racing right now screaming to me i am a rapist, i always have been the one to initiate the intercourse, and i also noticed alot of times she was sort of off. I did confront her about it once, and tried not to initiate first anymore but that took to long so i began initiating the intercourse again. One time she even cried during the intercourse. (probably because she was thinking aboht the other dude). But i am telling myself i raped her. Even tough most of the time after i initiated it, she was almost always the one to say (come put the rubber on). What can i do now? There is no family or friends where i am right now only psychological (nurses) because its weekend. I want to call my wife and ask her about it if she thinks i raped her or not, but i know its feeding my ocd probably, and it will make it harder for me to get over this divorce if im gonna call her up. Help please i really need it!!!!!!
  14. It just keeps coming back to me over and over. I am trying to not give it any attention, but the moment i do so i feel like a bad person, because only a bad person would be able to semi accidentally hit a bird and not care about it right? I dont want to be such a heartless person. So everytime i try and not ruminate on it or not engage with the thoughts i feel as if i am trying to get away from my responsibilities, and my wrongdoings.
  15. SOCD

    before reading further i want to warn that this might cause to trigger anyone. Im not sure if this even is a sub OCD theme but it definitely feels like ocd. The S stands for suicidal Today i googled something i really regret now, i searched the term 'euthanasia for mental sick patients'. and found that in my country some people did got it, so it is allowed, although one has to be diagnosed as non cure able and having a severely resistant form of mental disorder. Now i have become afraid that this will be my faith as well, i really don't want to die, but i feel that this thought will just not leave me until in the end i would finally give into it. I am seriously so scared right now. Somehow i have this weird thing recently with my obsessions which i did not really had in the past with other obsessions, this thing that i am talking about is that i feel that the intrusions and obsessions i get, are coming to me from some higher power of such sorts, i am not even religious, but i feel they are more then just intrusions and obsessions. It feels like they are the truth and need to be followed, this really scares me because previously i could say like: well i know this is a obsessions even tough it hurts and i feel anxious about it, i know it is not true. But right now i do know they are intrusions, but they feel more 'real' and definite.
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