Ironborn

Bulletin Board User
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About Ironborn

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  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    Netherlands

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  • OCD Status
    Sufferer

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  1. Hello all. After going back and forth with my wife for a while now she decided to end our relationship 4 days ago, this sent me into a total anxiety mode. Last thursday i was sitting at home alone, and begun getting suicidal thoughts. And i was lucky that my father in law called me at that moment to talk me over into getting hospitalized. I agreed and i was taken into the military psychological clinic the same day. That is where i am right now, i feel like i can not sink any deeper. Im in my 2nd week of zoloft (which i had quit 6 months ago) and today ive been having a really bad day. Ive convinced myself i am a rapist, because i started thinking about the last year when me and my wife had intercourse, Which was rare btw but those moments we did had intercourse i always noticed she was in some way not really present with her mind. I now understand why, because about a month ago she told me she has been seeing this other man for over a year now she met him in the train on her way to work. My mind is racing right now screaming to me i am a rapist, i always have been the one to initiate the intercourse, and i also noticed alot of times she was sort of off. I did confront her about it once, and tried not to initiate first anymore but that took to long so i began initiating the intercourse again. One time she even cried during the intercourse. (probably because she was thinking aboht the other dude). But i am telling myself i raped her. Even tough most of the time after i initiated it, she was almost always the one to say (come put the rubber on). What can i do now? There is no family or friends where i am right now only psychological (nurses) because its weekend. I want to call my wife and ask her about it if she thinks i raped her or not, but i know its feeding my ocd probably, and it will make it harder for me to get over this divorce if im gonna call her up. Help please i really need it!!!!!!
  2. It just keeps coming back to me over and over. I am trying to not give it any attention, but the moment i do so i feel like a bad person, because only a bad person would be able to semi accidentally hit a bird and not care about it right? I dont want to be such a heartless person. So everytime i try and not ruminate on it or not engage with the thoughts i feel as if i am trying to get away from my responsibilities, and my wrongdoings.
  3. before reading further i want to warn that this might cause to trigger anyone. Im not sure if this even is a sub OCD theme but it definitely feels like ocd. The S stands for suicidal Today i googled something i really regret now, i searched the term 'euthanasia for mental sick patients'. and found that in my country some people did got it, so it is allowed, although one has to be diagnosed as non cure able and having a severely resistant form of mental disorder. Now i have become afraid that this will be my faith as well, i really don't want to die, but i feel that this thought will just not leave me until in the end i would finally give into it. I am seriously so scared right now. Somehow i have this weird thing recently with my obsessions which i did not really had in the past with other obsessions, this thing that i am talking about is that i feel that the intrusions and obsessions i get, are coming to me from some higher power of such sorts, i am not even religious, but i feel they are more then just intrusions and obsessions. It feels like they are the truth and need to be followed, this really scares me because previously i could say like: well i know this is a obsessions even tough it hurts and i feel anxious about it, i know it is not true. But right now i do know they are intrusions, but they feel more 'real' and definite.
  4. Yeah i might have, but just don't know how to stop ruminating. the subject just comes up the whole time, and literally mean the whole time. How does one 'let it go' ? i really don't understand, as i said in the reply to Polarbear the subject comes up like atleast a couple of times in a minute, can you only imagine how many times it crosses the mind i an hour or a day ? I do have to note that about 6 months ago i quit my medication, i did this under supervision of my psychiatrist. But 2 days ago i decided to start again, i cannot live like this anymore, i am just anxious about the side effects that will come while building it up again, and the thing that im mostly scared about is how can medication help me to not feel like a 'murderer' anymore? i mean just as i said in the other post i feel like i have reached some kind level of knowledge, and no matter how good i will feel because of the medication or whatever its not going to 'unlearn' the knowledge and the knowing of me being a bad person do you get what i mean?
  5. I not sure if this is OCD. and it hard to explain how it really works but ill give it a try. A lot of times whenever something happens, or i remember something that pops in my mind from the past, and i start to get a lot of intrusions over those thoughts and things like (i must be a murderer because i did this or that and stuff like that). It then feels like i have 'gained' new knowledge and this new knowledge is the truth. Especially the ones like i spoke about in my OP with the bird are the ones that are most disturbing to me because i feel like that the only way to make it 'right' would be to go trough the same thing that happened for example with the bird, i would have to get run over by a car and possibly die, and that would make things right. Even tough i REALLY don't want to die, i feel like there is no other solution for getting even with what happened. I feel really disturbed because of this, and i would want to know how i can overcome the feeling of me being a murderer, and i mean a murderer in the way of every living thing that ever died by my cause. what i am wondering a lot of times aswell if this is really OCD or is it maybe something like the 'universe' trying to tell me the truth. Also i feel like that i cannot blame other people for not feeling like a murderer or anything else that this so called 'OCD' tells us because they just have not yet reach my 'level' of consciousness, it feels as if i will never be able to escape this level of knowing what is wrong or right, i know this may sound confusing, but in some way i sort of feel like i am enlightened and therefore am FULLY responsible for every little and big mistake i make, and that the only way of coming to terms with that is to suffer in the same way. Sorry for explaining it in such a weird way, i find it hard to exactly describe whats going on in my mind.
  6. Its hard to remember how and what actually happened, but from what i can remember it went something like this. About 6 years ago, way before i even had OCD i once hit a bird while driving. I was driving like 20mph trough a urban area. and i saw this bird in front of me, i believe i thought that i would drive right past it, also i did not brake, i dont really know why i did not brake but when i passed i saw a lot of feathers in my rear view, i remember feeling kinda 'shocked' but i did not stop and went on. at the time this did no haunt me for to long and i forgot about it the same day. But now i am all screwed up because of this, i am constantly asking myself if i killed the bird, What if i killed it? why did i not go back and check on the bird? i feel as if i should not deserve to live anymore when having taken another mammal / bird its life, why should i be allowed to still live, and not that bird? Also my OCD is trying to tell me i did it on purpose and that i am a real murderer because i did not hit the brake pedal, i know that giving in myself at the police would do nothing because they would just laugh about it. but for me this is a real serious thing, i see all living things as equal, and it feels as if i just murdered another human being, because in my mind it does not matter if its a bird / mouse / or a human i still see it as murder. ( i guess if i would have actually murdered another human my guilt would be a lot higher, bu my ocd tries to tell me otherwise i guess) Also i am afraid this is no OCD but this guilt and pain i am going trough constantly is just what i deserve. i am afraid that this will never go away, and will keep haunting me until i decide that my faith should be the same as the bird, i just feel 'unworthy' of living because of this. i just whish there was some kid of therapy that would let you erase certain thoughts / situations from the past, so that i would not get this high anxiety over them. I really could use some help and insight on this, because im really lost here. PS: the weird thing is that i do eat meat (organically) but somehow feel less about that, then having that collision with the bird. although before having ocd i ate a lot more meat, and ever since i got OCD i started feeling guilty and bad for eating meat.
  7. hello all. Recently due to personal stress withing my marriage my ocd is flaring up big time. About an hour ago while i was doing some stuff in the kitchen i heard a bird making alot of noise. so i looked outside and saw that one of our cats had a small bird in its mouth and meanwhile the bird was making this hard noise. the cat came running for the door to take the bird inside, but i quickly shut the door since i dont want any dead birds in my house. the cat took about 20 - 30 sec to kill the bird, but meanwhile i was getting this upset feeling in my stomach from this birds screaming. once it was quiet i went outside to check if the bird was dead, but the cat did not want me anywhere near it. Immediatly after the whole thing i started feeling extremely guilty, and now i feel as if i killed the bird myself and that i am a terrible person. why did i not try and get the bird free? this is what is going trough my mind the whole time, im feeling like such a bad person, i feel as ifi maybe could have prevented the birds death by trying to get it free and calling in an animal ambulance. Im just in total panic mode right now, and i feel as if ive done something horrible.
  8. Hello all, where do i start? i am gonna try and keep it short since i am really having a hard time here: I have been having OCD, Depression and some serious anxiety for about 4 - 5 years now, and was put on meds for it about 2 years ago. about 3 months ago i was in a pretty good state with a lot less obsessions so me and my psychiatrist decided to try an get off the meds, we did this over the course of about 6 - 8 weeks, and all went ok. yes i did got a bit more Intrusions and obsessions but trough some CBT and regular visits i managed. But then about 2 weeks ago my wife told me she prob wants to divorce me, this gave me a lot of stress and right now, i feel like i am back where i was 3 years ago, my mind is racing and i am unable to see things in perspective, my OCD is gaining momentum and its even getting to the point that i am having sorts of panic attack throughout the day. The obsession that is totally ruining me right now is one about my past, almost ALL my obsessions are about my past due to me having done 'bad' things, and me feeling like a monster for those things. The obsessions right now is one that i got recently and is dating back tot 2008. Back in 2008 i went on a duty to Afghanistan, and while being there i have had some life treathing experiences as you may call it. Me and others shared pictures that were taken during the duty in Afghanistan, and once i came back i noticed i liked the attention i got from people, so i showed a lot of people the images of all kinds of things. (even pictures of wounded and deceased people). i told them stories about those pictures as if it was me, some of those pictures actually were mine, but some were not. Today i sat on the couch and was watching a movie with bradd pitt about the war in Afghanistan, and during a scene you could see a deceased child. and that was the ultimate trigger to me, I started thinking and thinking and feeling really bad, i told the people i was visiting that i had to go home because i had stuff to do, but all i wanted was to flee the situation and especially the movie that was on the television. While getting back home (on my bicycle) the obsession started manifesting itself and once i got back home i was convinced that someone who lies about those kinds of things just to get attention is not worth of living. This really scares me, i want to live! but i am in so much panic right now that i don't know how to deal with it. Since my wife has announced she wants to prob divorce me i have been going downhill hard, a friend of mine asked me if i was interested in going to Sri-lanka with him this Saturday for about a week and a half, and i said yes, just to be away from all of this. the flight tickets already are booked and i am very much looking forward to it. Ive been seeing my psychiatrist today aswell and she has prescribed me some Seroquel for the time being, an once i get back from sri-lanka were are planning to restart the SSRI that i had stopped taking about 3 - 4 months ago. Sidenote: when i was younger i used to lie about almost everything, mainly because i learned it out of self defense because my mother was a alcoholic and i had to lie to not make her angry, later on in life i figured that lying made people like me, until i met my wife and after a couple of years i went into severe depression and got OCD and i never thought i was going to say this, but the OCD has cured me from my pathological lies. that is the one and only thing i am great full to towards my OCD freeing me from my lies, but one the other hand it is trying to get me almost killed using those lies against me and trying to tell me i am not worth of life for having lied so much.
  9. Im just feeling so guilty, i remember apologizing towarda some workers there, and the door man, ut i still feel bad and i still want to, call up the bar and apologize for it. My stomach is just turning bad from anxiety and guilt right now.
  10. Yesterday night i went out with a good friend of mine, and i had way to much to drink, and now i feel terrible for how i acted. At some point i had a dry mouth and im not sure why and i know it sounds gross but a couple of times id just had to spit on the ground in the bar, i remember spitting towards a fire hose, and at one point also accidently towards a person's legs. And right now im just loaded witb guilt and shame, why did i do this? I feel like such a horrible person, especially after a night of drinking. That is why ive just made the decision to stop drinking totally. But on the other hand would that not be giving into a compulsion?
  11. Somehow i just dont seem able to shake off the idea that im a bad person, ive done some things in the past that i really regret, actually i did alot of things i regret. But most of the things i did which i regret happened before my ocd manifested itself, and so back in he days i could care less if i did something 'bad'. Right now im being pestered by somrthing stupid i did 4-5 yrs ago. When i had mh cat parked and tried getting of the parking lot i scratched another car, i panicked and drove away. Now i feel like i want to make things right, but its impossible to find back the car i accidentally scratched with my own car at that time, i knoelw it sucks when it happens to you because before it that happened my car had been hit without anyone leaving a note, atleast i think my car was hit since it suddenly haf damage on the rear bumper and im almost sure i never hit anything at the time. This subject came to my mind because people at work started talking about if they ever had any accidents or damaged anything.
  12. Hello, A lot of times when someone asks me something and I feel like I don’t want to disappoint them with my answer, and or I am afraid for their reaction I tend to say what people want to hear. I have got a past of being not honest a lot, I have lied a lot from when I was a kid up to like 4 – 5 years ago. Whenever I now catch myself being not completely honest I get really anxious about it and I start feeling really guilty. A good example happened just about an hour ago, at work I was at a meeting, and I sat there because my chef was not present at the moment so I sat at the meeting on his behalf. suddenly someone asked me a question which I felt like I should have known the answer for, but I did not knew the answer, I instantly felt bad and got afraid what they might think of me and maybe my chef so I sort of lied about it and said it was ok. After the meeting I started feeling really guilty and bad because I figured I did not knew the whole answer, and I may have been wrong, but I just answered what they wanted to hear out of fear. Now I feel like such a bad person, I just want to call them up and apologize about it and tell them I lied, to see their reaction if they might forgive me. I have these obsessions about being honest and true every day in and out, and it really is having its toll on me, most of all I get really mad at myself, I just keep beating myself up for this.
  13. Hello all. I have a strong desire to confess about almost everything, especially things that involve family and friends. Always when i think i might have said or thought about something that is like negative about them in any way, i feel ive made a mistake and i start feeling really guilty, and thus making me wanting there approval that its ok, and they wont be mad at me. What can i do about this? Especially right now my anxiety is going through the roof since im having a party at my place tonight and i already thought about a couple of things i want to confess to certain people.
  14. By now i think today i already asked about 5 to 10 diffrent people if the meat would still be ok to eat after having it put back in te freezer for being out of it for 25 minutes. I even called 2 butchers and asked them, they all said its ok. But i just dont seem to feel any better, i still seem to feel something is off. And if people would get sick its my fault, i even have thoughts of people dying due to eating the meat, why on earth is my mind doin this to me??? Before i was haunted by ocd i would not even have worried about this for longer then 5 seconds.
  15. I guess the best thing i could do is go through it. Use it as an exposure situation. Onthe other side my mind is going nuts, and i also have already searched the inet what would be good and healthy when meat is out of the freezer, and yes i know the endless searching on the inet are also compulsions, but somehow i cannot seem to get a definitive answer to this question. I feel as if i should take the meat to a lab and make them do an test to see if there may have multiplied any bacteria on the meat surface.