Ironborn

Ive posted about this before, About 17 years back when i was 18 or just turned 19 i met a girl who told me she was 16. We drank and went back to her friends house together with a friend of hers and a friend of mine. I ended up in her bed since there had been alot of physical attraction between us 2 and also some alcohol i guess. we had sexual intercourse no actual p into v penetration but i did lend her a hand if you get what i mean. the next day she told me i looked familiar and i discovered she l actually was in the same class as my brother. I asked her age again and she said she said she was 15 instead of what she told me the night before(16). I figured things were weird so I broke of communication with her. She tried several times after that night to make avances on me in the same bar couple of times after the first night. She once actually succeeded and kissed me while i was blackout drunk and woke up to someone (her) kissing me. she seemed way to unhinged and overall very mentally unstable (which i sadly enough did not really notice that first night we met which seems to make sense i guess?) i just kept breaking all communications. Back then we did not have all these mobile apps etc btw. i found out she is actually 3 years and 2,5 months younger then me. in our country sexual activities with minors under the age of 16 is always illegal and considered a form of rape i guess? I've had this topic several times but this time really went into the laws and found out i am a a non convicted sex offender. My worst nightmare has come alive. Help me please what do i do? i have a wife and 2 young sons whom i love so much. But i don't know what to do. I feel like running myself in to the police is the only right thing to do. 2 years ago when i also had this topic i looked het up on Facebook and asked her about it. She felt extremely sorry for me that I'm hurrying about this so much. And she had zero I'll feelings towards me from 17 years back. but power laws day that even if a minor under the age of 16 is consenting it still is illegal since they can not really consent. good to note is this night had happened approx 2 months before she would turn 16 (legal age of consent).

Hello everyone, I've experienced various concerns over the years, but lately, I'm struggling to tell if my worries are due to OCD or just typical concerns. Briefly, my wife and I have been together for 17 years, married for almost 10. Despite challenges, we've stayed together because we knew we wanted to be with each other. Here's a quick rundown of our journey: We met when I was 19 and she was 17. Early on, she was quite jealous, influenced by her upbringing in a family affected by infidelity. Meanwhile, I was immature, maintaining contact with other women but not physically cheating. After serving in Afghanistan, I returned with trauma, which I personally don't fully acknowledge. I used party drugs on weekends, which led to fights due to my dishonesty about it. One night, under the influence, I kissed another woman, leading to intense guilt and self-punishment. This guilt spiraled into depression, during which I sought emotional connections online, which was essentially emotional cheating. Eventually, I confessed to my wife, especially as our wedding approached, which was a tough period for us. Despite confessing, my self-punishment continued, marking the start of my OCD symptoms, though I wasn't diagnosed until years later. Our relationship hit a breaking point when my wife wanted a divorce and I discovered she had been seeing someone else, though we eventually reconciled. We now have two sons and have been managing as a loving family, but I constantly doubt the trust and truth about her past affair. My current struggle involves dealing with these ongoing doubts and fears: Accepting that I may never fully know the details of her past affair. My intrusive thoughts and actions, like checking her social accounts, driven by a desire for truth and family unity. Despite advice to leave, my love for her and our family's happiness during a recent vacation make me question such drastic steps. My main question: Could my persistent doubts and fears be a manifestation of OCD, and how can I cope with them? Despite our past, we've tried to maintain our marriage, which I believe sets a positive example for our children. I'm torn between what I want and what's best for our family, especially considering financial security and the potential impact of divorce on our children. How do I navigate these feelings, and is there a way to overcome this turmoil without resorting to divorce? PS: Currently, our family enjoys a harmonious and loving dynamic that has been strengthened over time. My wife and I share a profound connection, marked by a significant reduction in conflicts and an increase in mutual understanding and respect. This peaceful coexistence has not only benefitted our relationship but has also positively influenced our children. Our two boys, who are the center of our world, thrive in this environment of love and stability. They are a constant reminder of the strength and resilience of our family bond. Together, we navigate life's challenges and celebrate its joys, creating a nurturing and supportive atmosphere for each other. This current dynamic is a testament to our shared commitment to maintaining a loving and united family.

Somewhat difficult i guess. My birthday is on the 2nd day of Christmas. Alot of the time people would not come because they had their own holliday to celebrate. Up until i was 8 i have no memories of these holidays because i lived with an severely alcoholic mother who mentally screwed me up big time (ar the time it seemed normal). After that when child protection services took me away and housed me with my father i do have some recollections of Christmas but not many of them were joyfull thanks to a mentally abusive girlfriend of my father. The better holidays were in my adult years with my wife, but since ocd and mental illness came into my life it has always been a period of stress and anxiety. I dont even know why they just make me feel like i want to enjoy them so bad and therefore the opposite happens.

Its just that i cannot seem to understand what this instant feeling of nihilism, emptiness, meaningless is whenever i engage in stuff that normally makes me joyfull. Even if it is just sitting next to my son's on the couch or as today putting them on their shoes before going out. Every moment being together with them is contaminated with this sensation of nothingness. All of this happened within 2 days. Ive had it before also, but this time it seems unable to come back for as if I've stepped through a door wich will be barricaded for ever and i can never return. I do have history of depression, could depression come up so fast?

Yes it does feel like that (pushing myself). even before i used to have ocd i was someone who would always analyse thoughts and stuff like that. it just now happens in a way which is really defeating its purpose but i dont know how to stop it, it is a automatic thing. I want to enjoy life, and whenever i tell myself: from now on just try and enjoy the things, i immediatly get the thought: but what does joy mean? what is its purpose? and i can feel the hope i just gave myself that little bit of hope evaporate, and then i start to go with the nihilistic thinking again.

Its just so hard. With everything that i do especially things i do with my kids, like just now before we went out the door putting on the shoes of the little one, i just got this overhelming feeling of nihilistic and feeling of emptiness, with thoughts like: whats the use in this? Is it not that because this subject mainly but not only focused on my 2 sons a clear indicator it must be ocd, and that its a lie?

Well right now im at home with my 2 sons. My wife will be coming back home within a hour or so. The rest of the day we will be preparing our okdest son's birthday for tomorrow i guess. Baking an apple pie, cleaning, and groceries

Well actually i just send an email to my therapist since he is not available in te weekends but will read this on monday. The email i send; Dear Kees, I hope this message finds you well. I need to discuss something important with you, something that has been on my mind for a while and now seems to be reaching a climax. It's about the difficulty I'm experiencing in distinguishing thoughts and obsessions from reality. In the past, and as I understand it with others who have obsessive-compulsive disorder, there was often a need to confirm that their obsessive subject was not a real danger, despite the anxiety they felt. However, I now find myself often confused by obsessive thoughts and, despite knowing better, try to rationalize them or view them from a different perspective. I am currently struggling with an obsession or thought that I also had about a year ago. This is about the idea that my children, Niek and Ties, will inevitably experience suffering in their lives, such as sadness, anger, fear, or sometimes not feeling well. I struggle with the idea that suffering is unnecessary and can only be avoided by not living. This is a frightening thought for me, but it also seems to be the only way to avoid suffering. I feel a kind of responsibility as a parent to prevent this suffering for my children. When I challenge this thought, for example by thinking that people should be able to decide for themselves whether they allow suffering in their lives, or that life is valuable despite suffering, existential and nihilistic thoughts also arise. These thoughts make it even harder for me to challenge my concerns about suffering and avoiding it. I have also considered that such thoughts and actions, such as preventing life, are morally unacceptable. But then the idea of moral nihilism comes up, suggesting that our norms and values are human constructions without a natural basis. I feel that I may be developing delusions, not hallucinations, but ideas that transition into obsessive thoughts. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to challenge these thoughts, as I always find a reason to undermine every perspective and insight. The result is that I feel my obsessive ideas are the only right solution, forcing me to lie to myself and my loved ones. I would like to hear your opinion on this and would like to explore this further. I notice a clear difference from a few years ago, when I could still think that my obsessions were incorrect. Now they seem to be correct, even though they are not understood or supported by most people. Kind regards,

Does any of this relates to my previous posts about a year ago? and I just feel like this time it will not pass by me because other information and possible evidence why it is the right choice has reached me I honestly feel like with a lot of My OCD themes I get so caught up into obsessing and believing them that every Time that happens I might be Slipping into a mild to average psychotic episode. But whenever I have tried to explain to several therapist that I feel I might be slipping into a psychotic episode they say it is just OCD

Just wondering that maybe im in a sort of psychotic episode? Because i find it really really hard to dismiss the idea that not living prevents suffering. I mean no one can deny such a statement right? I'm throwing everything at it in my head, i try to find a single reason that convinces me that the thought is actually not true. And suffering in some way actually is a good thing, i just have not found the answer yet. Ive also been testing how i would feel i I were to commit auch actions to lived ones and it makes me feel really sad and anxious.

Im in a lot for anxiety and panic right now. Ive always been convinced i could not do such a thing, but people thinking i might be a danger really makes me question it. Trust me i dont see want to do those things, its just that my thoughts are constantly saying: that is the only way towards no suffering, and then im fighting it with thoughts like: but every person should be in own control if they want to live or not, or i try and convince myself that a certain religion must exist even though I am not religious just to be able to say that we are here for a greater purpose then just existing and therefore it's worthy to go through all these kinds of suffering. Or II try and check how I'm feeling when engaging in such ideas and thoughts and I specially searching for feelings of anxiety so that I can reassure myself that it is just plain OCD Also I am going back to the ID and feeling of not existing to see if it still feels like the writing to do so I am constantly checking how I feel about that

Your reply gives me alot of anxiety. As is would i really do such a thing? Of course I do not want to do these things, its just that my mind is going a 100 mph. Its my all or nothing thinking that is applied here again and i know that without ocd I would not have had these thoughts. Its not to attack you or anything but these reactions qre exactly the reason om scared to share some of my thoughts, obsessions etc. Because people probably will dismiss them as ocd and my thoughts and obaessions actually are true instead of just ocd which in itself feeds the ocd cycle i guess?

My therapist thinks I also have some kind of affect phobia. Because whenever i feel something whenever i think a certain thing especially anxiety, or sadness kind of emotions i try to eliminate them asap or i dive way to deep into those emotions and why i feel them instead of just letting them come in or go trough them. Is this good advice, or is this also just ocd and should the focus stay on ocd?

My kids will suffer in their life, heck they even suffer already. The oldest is sad because some Christmas party at school has been cancelled (he is 5 yrs old). Him crying breaks my heart. Ive had a very similar type of obsession about a year ago, but this time it feels completely real and definitive. I again feel convinced that suffering in any possible way is unnecessary especially because nihilism is running around on my head now. Why even bother of nothing serves a real purpose, we are born, exist and die but alot of suffering is being gone trough along the way to make it serve no purpose in the end. I commend people that see life as a test for something after, actually om am very jealous, i wish i could believe on such a thing as well. Even if its not true you at least feel like it's true and ot gives you a purpose to live. For me the only reasonable thing to do would be to not have kids in the first place, but thats to late already. I hate the fact thwt the only way for my kids to not suffer would be for me to take their lives. The idea of such a thing brings shivers down my spine. I am trying to convince me of some other idea but none are as effective as the one of not living and therefore not suffering. How do i know for sure this is just plain ocd and not some true insight i might have been giving trough ocd?

What If ocd convinces you that the world is so bad, evil etc for your kids which you want to protect from harm that its trying to make you think that causing harm to your kids so they wont be able to go trough all the pain, sickness, sadness and even possibly get ocd or other mental disorders themselves? The thought of hurting them gives me great amounts of anxiety and shivers, i don't have real intrusions about actual actions of harming them, but more constant thoughts i need to protect them, what even do we live for? I also have existential ocd about nihilism and that Nothing matter's, we come to this earth, live and then we die without any purpose. Considering the universe we are so small and non existent so whatever we do, how we live if we live has zero meaning. I then try and convince myself that the meaning should be whatever you give it yourself. But what if I'm not possible in doing so, what if I'm looking for an external reason? One that has been proven scientifically and with all respect not some kind of religion because no religion can be proven to be real by science. This has been my new ocd theme after fighting it for over 8 years eith all diffrent kind of themes. But in this specific theme it feels like it cannot be disputed, because its actually 100% true that if you do not live you can not suffer, cry, feel pain or be tormented with mendal health issues. Anyone here can shed a light on this?

When i apply logic, the logic is that people are already using ai for malicious intend. And every user that also uses ai (for non malicious intend) trains an ai model during conversations and with monthly payments and thus making the ai even better at doing malicious actions for 'bad' people?

Yes your fully right. And i dont see a way to fix it. And im not sure how to change the thinking patterns because the damage has already been done.

Im not sure if when i donate i feel any better. Im juet constantly thinking about how my interaction and payments might have facilitated possible harm to people. Or will cause harm in the future.

I just realized that ive qlso been paying for their services for almost a year now. 20 x 12 is 240 euros that is being used to improve ai and therefore improve the possible or more so the fact that it some day or already is being used in malicious ways. Ive read online that ai in the wrong hands can be used in dirty war tactics, biochemical weapons and so on and on. I found a website that works an getting ai to be safer and you can donate to them. I feel i need to donate the equivalent of 240 euros to their cause just to even the part of paying for ai services out.

Been getting work requests which i used to use ai for and now im too scared / guilty feeling to ise it. And cannot fulfill incoming requests by customers.

Something like this also happened with me in the past. I used to love making electric house music, was quite good at it aswell. But suddenly got the thought: what if my house music makes people on a house party want to take drugs (as I have done myself in the past). Even since that moment ive been having trouble creating music even tough i coule definitely do it for a income. I just dropped it with many many and i mean many hours and a lot of money invested in it. Same is happening right now with AI. poured alot of hours into it, learning to program aswell, and am at the brink of dumping this one also because in potential it could be used for very very bad purposes by thr wrong people which i am sure already is being used in harmfull ways, and me making money of some technology that can do harm to others in the wrong hands feels like im some kind of bad person. Because even tough my data should be 'safe' at their database their model gets trained ont the way people communicate with it and so speeding up the development of ai and then contributing to a smarter and more complex technology that again in the wrong hands could be used and will be used for bad things... on the other side of things.. dont we use alot of technology that can also be used by bad people? Why dont i feel bad about that yet? Maybe because im not yet aware of it? and with ai ive always felt it as so many potential bad or worse?

Well there for sure is ocd at play aswell. Especially the thinking like: what if im contributing to possible world ending technology, and drawing parallels between this and monstrous happenings from the past like for example ww2. The anxiety that comes with it and rhe feeling of guilt and wanting to fix things. how do sp many people use it and not have these thoughts or anxiety about it? and why do i enjoy using it when the possible implications could be horrible on the future?

Hi everyone. Something has been bothering me for a few days now, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I have been interested in artificial intelligence for quite some time and experiment with it passionately. I've developed an online platform where I use AI to write blog posts and articles. These writings are original and not plagiarized; they are generated by combining the data on which the AI has been trained to produce unique text pieces. I publish these articles on my blog or website, which receives a decent amount of traffic, and I'll soon be eligible for on-page advertisements. This means I could potentially earn money from content I didn't write myself. However, it's not straightforward to create such articles; it requires time and expertise to set the right instructions, parameters, and conditions for the AI software. I find myself in an ethical dilemma as I compete with websites where articles are mostly manually written. It feels like I'm cheating, even though articles I write look almost identical to those generated by AI, minus the hours of research. Another concern is the potentially harmful use of AI technology in the future. I wonder if my use of AI contributes to the development of a "monster" that could cause great harm or even loss of life. A thought that frequently crosses my mind is how I can justify continuing to use AI. One rationalization I often tell myself is that the more I understand about artificial intelligence, the better equipped I'll be to counter its negative impacts if it ever becomes a threat to me or my environment. By engaging with AI, I get to know its dangers more intimately. But then another thought occurs to me: if I were to compare this situation to a different period in our history, say World War II, what would the ethical implications be? Imagine if someone knew one of the major criminals of that era, understood the potential dangers he posed, but chose to benefit financially from his rise to power by supporting his political party or producing goods that would help him directly or indirectly. If that person then fled the country when things got dangerous, capitalizing on their intimate knowledge of the situation, would that be ethical? Knowing the risks associated with that person and then fleeing right before things escalated? I draw a parallel with my current situation; I see potential future dangers. Is it ethically responsible for me to continue utilizing this technology?

I have been reading alot online about bully parents. And i see alot of resemblance. Alot of the times the bully parents will bully about the childs skills, or looks or behaviour. For me thats not the case. I did not want to get to graphic here but i feel i need to confess this because people should know what i really am. My teasing or bullying recently took another turn, once my son sort of trickled and i had to laugh. He got mad at me for laughing and i only started laughing harder. Ever since this happened I would at times when 'playing' laugh out of nowhere to see his reaction, he would get mad and I laughed harder en he got even more mad. At some point i also pointed my finger at him while laughing which also got him more frustrated. This all i have done several times. Somehow finding those boundaries and sometimes or even more then sometimes crossing them would happen. I feel disgusted writing this. Wtf is wrong with me? I love my sons so much i would really sacrifice myself in a heartbeat. We have a good relationship tho, we are playwrestling alot, I take them out to play, I just have this annoying habit of overdoing things that I find funny at first but have poor insight when someone does not like it anymore and i still continue.bi also did this kind of stuff when i was younger alot and to my wife. Like repeating a song or phrase 1000 times a day up until te point were almost fighting (verbally). Why do i seem to enjoy this in some way? Im disgusted by it and i want it gone and out of my system. Why do i like to annoy people around me especially the ones i love?

I feel like there is now way of repairing what I've done, ever since this insight came i have not once done the same behavior, and i and my son have not been annoyed by one another ever since. This could have been a lot sooner, and i feel so much regret. What if there is unfixable damage on him? Which will cause him mental or physical problems later on in life? He is very prone to allergies, getting the cold and other stuff, he has sensitive lungs as well an can be out of breath quite quick at times or at least sooner then other children. what if i caused that to him trough indirect stress / teasing / frustration? I feel i dont deserve to be alive, but i can also not leave the lives of my sons and wife, it would only traumatize hem even more.