Lapin

Bulletin Board User
  • Content count

    3
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About Lapin

  • Birthday 21/04/95

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    FIN/UK

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  1. And that is brave. That is such an important thing that you're trying. And no matter what you feel, what your brain tells you, please allow yourself to realise how strong you are for still looking for hope and not giving up. You're stronger than all the bad things in your life because you refuse to let them win. And that is enough for now. If you still want to get help and get up to your feet, all you need is that hope. You're doing just fine. There is one thing one mental health professional made me to do when I was hopeless with my life: she asked me to imagine what I wish my life was, what things would have to change, how I would feel if things were like I wanted. By picturing what things you wish to your life you'll have a batter picture about what things you should change to get closer to your goals. Maybe give that a try? Maybe you'll also realise that there are already things in your life that wouldn't need to change that much. Just give yourself time, time and time. Right now the first step for you is to convince yourself that you really do want to continue living. Don't think all bad things in your life can be changed in a matter of days - it'll be a long process but it will also make you a better, stronger person. But right at the moment, realise you want help and concentrate on that feeling. You can improve yourself and your life so much. You're not hopeless.
  2. One thought that has helped me a lot is that even though I'm feeling horrible and hopeless, the thing is I don't like the feeling. As long as you don't like the situation you're in there's hope for you because you haven't given up. By posting here alone you've proven that you have still it in you to fight against your thoughts. You don't want to be like this forever and you can still achieve good things. Naturally I can't know everything about your life, but I'm sorry if you feel like you don't have much going in your way currently. On the other hand, what I'd recommend is that you think what you can do to improve your situation, just a little bit. Anything that can make you feel even a bit better. Just please remember that regardless of your current situation, things will change. This day, this mindset, the things happening right now, none of them are forever. Things can change, very often to the better. You're going to experience a lot more and if only you want it, often to the better. And you wouldn't be writing here if you didn't want to get better.
  3. Hi, I'm a new face in the forum and thought making this sort of "introductory post" explaining my situation might be a good start... Hopefully something good will come out of all of this, I'm pretty hopeful. I'm a 20 years old female undergraduate university student from Finland who studies in UK. On the outside it really looks like I've got my life together - I'm doing extremely well in my studies and have a loving family, lots of close and supporting friends and of course, a boyfriend I've been dating for over a year now. Sure, I've been diagnosed with mixed depression and anxiety disorder a year ago and take medication to it, but I'm still achieving great things in life and can live a day-to-day life without my mental health problems getting in the way. Too bad that on the inside, every day is a battle. The first disturbing thoughts and feelings came when I was just starting to date my boyfriend. It was such a weird situation: I had been crushing on him since the early 2014 and he had noticed me during the late autumn, and we had slowly gotten to the point where both of us were testing our limits as "just friends" without actually talking about how we felt. I can't remember for sure, but that was already when I first started questioning my feelings: did I really like this person? Did we have a future together? Was I attracted enough? Why didn't kissing and cuddling feel like in the books or films? Was I just using him selfishly, seeing as he seemed to really be into me? I also realised these are the exact same things that went through my mind few years ago when I was entering my first, short-lived relationship with my friend. It was all just questioning, stressing, worrying if I felt enough, not feeling good cuddling or kissing the other... I ended that relationship rather quickly, dismissing the whole thing as me trying to please him without ever being attracted to him. You can imagine my confusion as the exact same things happened with the new relationship I was trying to build. Was I just broken? Had I just entered to another loveless relationship? What was wrong with me? That was when I first found out about ROCD. I was googling something along the lines of "how do I know I really love my boyfriend" and bam, a Wikipedia page about pure-OCD types came up. It was amazing how well everything fit - the more I read about the other people's experiences the more I could relate to them. When I first found out about ROCD it actually boosted my faith in my relationship a lot and I found it easier to actually feel love towards him. Knowing there might even be some kind of mental health related thing behind my fears, I've continued my relationship to this day. It hasn't been easy: there have been days and weeks where all I feel is anxiety and doubt. Sometimes I feel completely empty and emotionless. Days are filled with questions and doubts about my relationship, and every time I contact my boyfriend or see him, the questioning and testing continues. How did that kiss felt, did I feel attracted enough, why isn't my heart beating fast, why am I not sexually attracted to him all the time? Am I a bad person for feeling attracted for other people, do I really love him if I find other people attractive, even just for a moment? Is my relationship "good", is my relationship "the right kind", is it real? Is my boyfriend attractive enough, do his flaws make him unlovable or our relationship impossible, does he love me enough? Do I really love him, do I really love him, do I really love him... So why haven't I broken up with him? I can't feel anything I can trust, but I think that somewhere deep down I actually DO like him. I have my moments when I feel all warm and fuzzy, when he's the cutest and best and sweetest and oh god, it all just feels so good and right. He's not perfect and I sometimes overthink his small flaws but I swear I've never met a person who understands me as well. Not only that, he's also a good boyfriend overall, supportive, loving and respectful above all else. I've talked about all of this with him and he has been there to cheer me up and care for me. Sometimes his own insecurities get in the way and he seems to question my attraction and love for him, which is stressful and fuels my worries as well, but I've tried to deal with it the best I can. After all, even though my stress often makes me try to avoid him altogether, I still think I do care for him - or at least, I REALLY want to. Right at the moment things aren't as bad as they've sometimes been but I'm still anxious and the thoughts are still lingering somewhere. He's currently texting me, and every text makes my stress levels raise some. I still continue, even though every sweet thing I say in the texts feels wrong and makes me think I'm lying to him. I just wish I could talk to him normally. We're going to spend some time at his father's summer cottage soon and I'm both looking forward to spending time with him and worrying my heart out. What if my feelings ruin the whole week? The problem is, getting a diagnosis in a situation as mine is really difficult: I wish I had an access to therapy of some kind but due my studies I travel between UK and Finland all the time - who would take me as a patient? I've also tried talking to different mental health helpers since 2010 but feel like people just don't simply get me: I'm too happy to suffer from depression and I just do too well in life to have any other problems either, that's all these people seem to think. No one cares what I FEEL and how I see the world and the people around me, as long as I get A's from my classes and don't physically hurt myself I should be just thankful anyone's even bothering with me. And of course I'm worrying about whether or not my doubts are real - do I really have OCD of some sorts or is this something else? Is this just me lying to myself because I don't want to hurt my other people? And the funniest part? Writing this post is also so wrong, my brain tells me I'm somehow lying and making things up to get attention and answers that I want. There's no escaping from my thoughts and I swear I sometimes don't know if anything that goes in my head is reliable. It wears me out. I want a diagnosis and I want someone to tell me that I'm valid.I want to have OCD and I want to believe I have OCD. I don't want to go on questioning everything in my life. I just want to know if I even have a problem at all.