aangel232

Yeah, well I told her I wanted to make sure I'm that safe person be around. I was tired of worrying about whether or not I actually had OCD. Then I mentioned how everything I had read about OCD called the thoughts ego-dystonic and what was comforting to me was knowing that people never act on these thoughts. She said, "Well, I never say never" and the appointment was pretty much over after that. The only treatment she mentioned was talk therapy and that would be with another therapist. She said I would only see her again if I wanted to go on medication.

Still feel like ****. I'm trying to ignore it. But I keep getting intrusive thoughts about the appointment. I keep wondering if I was being too sensitive or if I heard wrong. But it really sounded like she said that the compulsive part of OCD is dangerous because it causes people to act out. Basically, I remember her saying "You could do (insert awful disgusting thing) (she even used my younger sister as an example ) to gain relief from anxiety and then feel guilty about it. But people with the fear of harming don't have compulsions where actually they hurt others. Why would anyone with a fear of hurting others get relief from hurting other? It doesn't make any sense. I've heard of people obsessing about, “What if my mind is never at peace until I act on my thoughts” (it's awful and creates more doubt) but it's still OCD play its tricks. I told myself I deserved help (six years of suffering in silence) and it doesn't feel like I got it. I'm so disappointed.

I don't know. I guess I'm feeling better. When she said those things I kept wondering if I was hearing her wrong. I think at some point I started to zone out. It was so surreal. She was so offhanded about it (and I thought if this was true shouldn't I be locked up somewhere? It didn't make any sense to me). It was so hard me for me to make this appointment. There were days where I would cry at just the thought of making an appointment. I just wanted some compassion. I didn't notice at the time but she was really pushy when I was trying to explain the thoughts to her. I couldn't remember every thought. It felt like I was blanking at certain parts. I wanted to start with some of the easier thoughts but she like "I need to know what kind of thoughts you're having!" It was kind of demanding. I just wanted to know that I'm a safe person to be around. On the plus side I was so distraught that ended spilling my guts to my mother. She knew something was wrong even before I started crying. She's reading stuff about OCD and she told me not to listen to that psychiatrist. I'm glad I didn't see her last April when I was first referred. I was in such a bad place. It would have probably push me over the edge.

I just got back home from my appointment with the psychiatrist. I do have OCD (and depression) but what the doctor said really upset me. She asked me what took me so long to see someone and I said I had avoided coming because I didn't want to be misunderstood or thought of as crazy. She said it was good that I came in because OCD can be dangerous because of the compulsive part of it. I confided in her about some of the sexual thoughts. First she said that a person could have a thought for years and years and never act on it. Then she basically implied that I (or any person with OCD) could act on sexual thought to get relief from anxiety and then feel bad about it afterwards. I basically shut down after that. It felt like all the air was sucked out of the room I felt so sick. I rambled on about how I don't want to do these things. I mentioned how everything I read had said the thoughts were meaningless (a person isn't going to act on their worst fears). I said the thoughts went against my morals and I mentioned how one of the things that really comforted me was that people with these thoughts never act on them. She said, "Well, I never say never" and sent me on my way. I don't think she even realized how bad she made feel. She also said I could get talk therapy. I cried all the way home.

This will be my first time seeing a psychiatrist so I'm looking for some encouragement. I really want it to go well. It took so long to muster up the strength to make even an appointment but I finally reached that point of being tired of dealing with this alone. I suck at being at an adult. I'm afraid of so many things. I just really need something to change this year for the better. Anyway, I don't really have a game plan of what I'm going to say other than 'I've been dealing with intrusive thoughts and it's hard for me to set goals or focus on important things'. I was thinking of printing out some things I've posted here (maybe three) because I've never talked about the thoughts out loud I keep worrying if I'm going to blank or not be able to say anything (that's what happened when I tried to explain the thoughts to my mother).

I've never self harmed before. Honestly, I don't know what happened. All know is that it's getting harder for me to not physically react to the thoughts. Sometimes I'll groan loudly and when I bit myself I had sticked my tongue out the way you do if you tasted something bad. I don't when I started doing this but it's becoming more frequent. I didn't hurt my arm , thankfully. I don't think I even really bit down. I got scared immediately afterwards.

I got so disgusted and frustrated by a sexual intrusive I had that ended up biting my arm. It wasn't hard but it was enough to shock me and trigger a wave of anxiety. I can't believe I bit myself. I'm really trying to hang in here. I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist early next and I'm trying to be positive about it. I know some people haven't had the best experience with mental services so I'm just hoping for the best. I was even thinking about whether I should print out some of my posts because I've never verbally talked about the thoughts. I'm exhausted. I can't believe how much this has taken over my life. I don't want the biting thing to become a compulsion.

I'm dealing with a pretty bad tooth ache. I took some Aleve and it still hasn't kicked yet and I'm noticing a increase in the intrusive thoughts when the pain is really bad. Some thoughts are harm related and other sexual intrusive thoughts. I'm trying to ignore the thoughts but the pain is making it so much harder. I can't help but think 'Who would do awful, sick, twisted stuff like that just because of pain?' OCD sucks and has no logical because I had pain before (really bad back spasms) and no intrusive thoughts.

I'm struggling myself so I don't know if anything I'll say will be of comfort. Try not to research it's not going make you feel better in the long run and neither is taking recreational drugs. I know for me one of my main issues is that I'm constantly checking my feelings. OCD is tricky like that. There are days where I'm like 'I know I don't want to hurt anyone' but then I check my feelings and I don't feel sure. And it's like how can you know but still feel unsure at the same time? It's maddening. Then with it urges (at least I think they're urges) I felt awful because it kept "feeling" like I wanted to do bad things when at the same time I knew I didn't. OCD doesn't make sense. Sometimes my feelings don't make sense (I call that false feelings) or feel right which leads back to ruminating. Sorry for rambling about myself. You're in therapy so that's a positive. Just remember that intrusive thoughts can be images, ideas, urges and etc. I'm trying not give reassurance but I've had 3rd person intrusive thoughts before. I definitely know what's it like to question if you're a evil monstrous person. Just try to ignore it and I'm going to try do the same both with the thoughts and feelings.

I'm still a little upset but I'm trying to calm down. I was upset enough earlier that I ended up throwing up phlegm. I just feel hopeless and stuck. Like I'm my own enemy. I don't know why I'm like this. I am so tired.

I'm mess. I had to give my special needs sister a younger a shower. I had an intrusive thought about biting her on the chest when I was washing her arm and that I could move her arm to do it. I had to leave the bathroom and I started crying. I came back and rinsed her off but cried and hugged the door opening, begging her to get dress. She doesn't talk but she knows how to dress herself a little. I ended up crying some more and I gagged a couple of times. My mom called during her break and I wanted to beg her to come home and tell her all about the thoughts but instead I quietly sobbed the whole time and made small talk. I hate myself. I don't know wrong with me. I can't even ask for help even when I'm drowning. I wish I was never born. I feel like a terrible person. I must be stupid to keep suffering in silence like this.

December has been kind of rough month for me. I had a really bad relapse around this time last year. I'm just going through the motions but on the plus some of my obsessions are not lasting as long as they used to which is good (some of the thoughts have been so horrifyingly crazy I still don't know how I managed to let them go). I feel weird. It's like I know I don't want to hurt anyone but at the same time it feels like I'm considering it. I've even dealt with the obsession of 'Maybe I need OCD to keep from doing the awful things I'm afraid of' which makes no sense. Then when I see certain news article where something tragic has happened I don't have the right reaction to it. I feel numb to it or the thoughts tell me that I'm amused by it. I haven't done it lately but I used to check in mirror to see if I was smiling with a lot of the intrusive thoughts. I worried about whether or not I was happy about it. I think I've been having groinal responses (I wasn't sure at first). I just know that when it happens I feel really uncomfortable and gross.. It's like I'm overly aware of my private area and sometimes I have this strong urge to pee even when my bladder is empty. I also get intrusive thoughts about whether not I want to do gross disgusting sexual things. It's maddening. I've been babysitting my sister while she's out of school. I feel guilty and I feel like fraud. I still keeping questioning whether I'm safe to be around.

It was over a week ago that I let my younger sister hang out with me in my room. I've been avoiding having her in my room for months so I decided I would try. I was tired and wanted to lie down and she can't be left alone in rooms because she's special needs. She was lying on my arm and I had a thought that it felt nice because my arm was cold and she felt really warm. I felt gross after that thought and even worse when I noticed seconds later that my arm was brushed against her chest (she has tiny boobs). I made her move (I know that's giving into OCD). Afterwards I moved my arm towards her. She ended up brushing my arm again but I can't remember if it's because she moved or if it was something I did. I keep wondering if I was try to check or test myself in a inappropriate way. I would never want to check in a way that could hurt anybody. The intrusive thoughts hurt enough. I wouldn't be able to live myself if I hurt someone like that. I let myself cry about it that day. I felt so bad. I thought I had moved passed it. My thoughts I had moved on to other things. But now it's Monday and I feel terrible again. My thoughts keep telling me I'm making excuses for myself like I've done something wrong.

I've been noticing lately that when get anxious and uncomfortable (afraid that I'm going to suddenly do something terrible) I get incomplete jumbled images in my head. For example a random thought about kissing someone pops into my and that's taken over by a jumbled image of a sexual intrusive thought. I always get confused when this happens because I can never figure out what the intrusive thought was actually about. It's gross but it's fuzzy and that sets me off because I start to worry that I'm enjoying or going to enjoy the intrusive thoughts.

Thanks, I've been trying to remind that when I read stuff like that or I come across new reports about people doing terrible things that it has nothing to do with me. I'm trying not to turn this into a compulsion. I'm still practicing at getting out of my head and moving on instead of ruminating.