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malina

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  1. I think you're so deep into this obsession that you're not seeing the wood from the trees. She was unaccounted for for an hour on Monday 9 (on Slack, during lunchtime) and then you think you smell a 'masculine' smell on her neck? I mean it's hardly groundbreaking evidence of cheating is it? It probably seems very convincing to you because it's your obsession, but to me it looks like you're clinging to very trivial and random things. So, that is the part you have to accept, that you're being hypervigilant because of your fears about the relationship and try to fixate less. The doubt is still going to be there, but you have to try.
  2. Hi @brl85 I think your obsession is smell, probably because there is all this stereotypical stuff in the media about a cheating man/woman smelling like their lover's fragrance etc. I wonder how often that even happens in reality ? Yet your mind has clung to the idea so now you're interpreting smells as being masculine or wrong. I believe that the thought you're smelling something is becoming an intrusion and that you're interpreting normal smells as abnormal. The thing you need to do is to stop responding to the intrusions. It'll be hard but you have to tell yourself that this is just OCD, and stop yourself from ruminating about it. And please don't ask her about it. More importantly, if you care about this woman, you're going to have to learn to trust her again.
  3. Hey Summer, I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been going through. You have honestly been through so much, more than many, many people will ever go through (I'm not just saying that) and yet you're so positive and work so hard to get better and improve your life. I believe in you and I truly hope you succeed. Honestly, having healthy boundaries is so important. You may love your family but you have to take care of yourself. And if you feel guilty, just remember that you can't be there for others if you're falling apart as well. One of my new years resolutions this year was to start setting healthy boundaries in all areas of my life and so I think it's extremely important. Respect yourself and your own wellbeing. Take care Summer, you've got this!
  4. That is because you're misunderstanding the idea of taking a leap of faith. You don't do it because you're COMPLETELY confident that it's OCD. On the contrary, you do it in spite of not being completely confident. You have all your doubts and fears and you say F it and give it a try anyway. That is taking a leap of faith. It depends on what your definition of getting better is. You may always have OCD, many of us do, but getting better means learning not to let it have its grip on you and living your life. Maybe you have relapses, but you deal with them. You should have a flexible view of recovery, it may not always go smoothly but that doesn't mean that you won't get there and have a happy life.
  5. I don't know anything about asbestos or lead or ceilings, but one thing I know about OCD is that it finds ways to make intrusions seem relevant. Perhaps you can handle something happening to yourself, but not your family. It has added an extra layer of urgency and danger there to stop you from moving on. This is how OCD controls us. I don't have the same fears as you, but the patterns are the same. I think even if the worst happens, I will deal with it, but then what if the worst is actually something happening to my partner or my family or the people I love? I can't handle that, I need to keep them safe. I think the best thing you can do is to realise that you, your family, and all of us face calculated risks everyday. These risks are not part of your obsession, so you don't worry about them and you're happy to accept the advice on best practice. You're more than happy for your family to drive around in a car with a seatbelt on, I'm sure you'd teach your children to cross the street whe the green light comes on, you buy food and cook it at the recommended temperature for the recommended time etc. These things may seem normal to you, but I have a fear of food poisoning and following instructions about cooking can get quite stressful. Someone who had an obsession about dying in a car accident would struggle to be satisfied by just wearing a seatbelt. Do you see what I mean? So, in this situation like every other, you have to follow the guidance and rely on reccomendations for best practice and then learn to live with it. Easier said than done, I know, but if you don't you live your whole life in OCD hell. Best of luck to you!
  6. Tbh even if it was an emergency, the therapist didn't handle it well. If it was a life of death crisis, surely she would have told you that there was a crisis that she had to respond to, rather than sending text messages to the other person on the line? That makes no sense at all. These people are paid for their time, would you be texting during a work meeting? How would your boss or client feel about it? I think you should bring it up, especially if it happens again. Don't be scared to start with someone new, it may not come to that, but if it does, you will deal with it.
  7. Hey @AshWantsToBeBrave I got diagnosed with OCD when I was at uni too and it was really tough, I faced the same decision about whether to leave or stay and make it work. I had a lot of support from my family and I stayed at uni and have absolutely no regrets. It may be tough but I think it's worth it so you can stay in your social circle and feel like a productive person. However, don't puch yourself too much either! Getting support and help is important. Having a middle ground is important, maybe going home over the weekends, having a plan should things get worse etc. Since you decided to suspend your studies, you should try to stay positive and work on your recovery, it's easy to get complacent and to feel worse, so get exercising, work on your CBT and keep your goal of getting back to your studies! Best of luck!
  8. I recently found the whole idea of "I'll deal with it if it happens" to be quite helpful. We used rumination to try and solve a problem that doesn't even exist so that we can get certainty that it won't happen. This is simply impossible because you can never be 100% certain that you won't get sick or that something bad won't happen to you, so there is always a new doubt and new thing to ruminate about. So believe that you may not have answer right now, but should something happen you'll figure it out.
  9. I don't think this is necessarily OCD, but it sounds like you're looking for happiness and meaning through these activities and not finding it. Do you have a diagnosis of OCD? If you're struggling with your mental health, activities and hobbies help a lot, but they aren't the answer. You need to address the underlying problem.
  10. I've been thinking about relationships a lot lately, mainly because I've been feeling guilty about the pain I've caused my partner with my OCD. I was thinking how, in the beginning when we are falling in love, relationships can seem so wonderful and making that connection with someone is so special. Then, after years together, come harder times and we hurt each other and close up. But I think that couples who work on overcoming that pain, who overcome the odds and find their way out of the hard times are the ones who experience real, true love. That is how your relationship sounds to me. Nobody is perfect, you have been through hard times and hurt eachother, but you have built a beautiful family. Enjoy your life with them, stop letting OCD rob you of the time you have together.
  11. wow NLL it's great seeing you with this new frame of mind! Well done for making it so far and thanks a lot for sharing, you have definitely motivated me to keep chipping away at it, like you say. Stay strong, there will be ups and downs, but you've got this!
  12. I sometimes think that the whole celebrity thing is wrong on a wider scale beyond these things you're describing. It's the whole concept of these people being multimillionnaires for making songs or films or kicking a ball, while people with really meaningful jobs often struggle to make ends meet. I also think so many of them are very immoral and that we don't even know the extent of it, like you say there are so many of them who have been accused of sexual assault or the like. I personally have never decided to stop listening to music or watching something because I find the people who make it to be morally corrupt, but sometimes it just happens naturally. I never decided I didn't want to listen to Michael Jackson or R Kelly but whenever I hear their songs I just cringe, so I don't enjoy listening to them. The same happens with some actors, I just can't watch them and see past the awful person that they are, which ruins the film or series for me. As you say, nothing is really ethical if you look at the wider chain. I think you just have to learn to accept it, we don't live in a fully ethical world and we probably never will but you can't stop living your life because of it. Yes, the world is full of people who turn a blind eye but it's not because they are bad people, it's just that nobody has the time to think about every aspect of morality involved in the things they do, and, more importantly, they can't really change or control things. It's like an entire system that you have to fight against, not just individuals. So people do what they can, focus on what they can control in their own lives, and learn to live with the rest. That said, I don't get the people defending Prince Andrew, but I don't get the idea of having a monarchy at all, but that's a different story
  13. Hi @MarieJo I think you have two different problems here. One is a genuine concern about your daugther and her future and the other is OCD. I don't know if there is really a clear cut answer about your daughter's situation. I think, in addition to ADHD, it's also about being very young. I can just imagine myself at 19 getting a good job and earning lots of money, I'd probably have spent it all on clothes too! And you say she didn't do that well in school but still managed to get a good job, so she's probably also thinking that she managed to get by with her old ways before and it worked out, so why not now? And to some degree, maybe that is true! I don't think you should totally back down just because you annoy her, she's still a teenager and just doesn't get that you're trying to help her, but letting her have the freedom to make her own mistakes (and fix them herself!) is also important for her personal growth. How you handle this situation internally is OCD. Why blame yourself? Why blame anyone at all? Does that change the past or help the situation in the present in any way? I think this situation can teach you a few things, firstly, you cannot stop bad things happening to your children. You really try hard to control everything, but there are things you don't even expect or know about happening in their lives all the time. So instead of focussing on trying to control everything and keeping them safe all the time (which you really can't!!), try to understand that you can deal with things if and when they come up. So your daughter got diagnosed with ADHD, you helped her and things seem to have worked out quite well for her. That's life, things happen and we deal with them. Maybe this year, your resolution should be to find something for yourself that you enjoy, that doesn't involve your husband or children or parents! Just something that would give you pleasure and purpose for yourself, rather than everyone else.
  14. I do think so, this is what helped me. Believe me, I know it's easier said than done! I went through hell with this and the urges were targetted at myself, I can't imagine how hard it is when it's about your little baby that you adore. Don't rush it, take baby steps and be gentle with yourself. Are you getting therapy? I found that doing ERP with a therapist in a more structured way helped too. Ultimately though, this is the way, you need to train your brain that these thoughts are meaningless, then you will stop reacting to them. My therapist also taught me about mindfulness to help manage the anxiety during these episodes when the urges were strong. Essentially, he told me to focus on how the anxiety feels physically and where I feel it in my body (e.g., stomach pain, tight chest etc). The idea was to see that, while the anxiety feels all consuming, it's really just a bunch of physical feelings like any other. Also, basic things like self care, trying to stay engaged in activities etc helped a lot. I know it can be hard with a baby but maybe there are some things you can think about to get yourself out of the house and doing things.
  15. what I mean is that you need to stop trying to get rid of the urges and stop doing safety behaviours like doing the mental checklist that your baby is okay. I know it's really hard and distressing, but you just have to let yourself experience the urges without trying to run away from them or make them better. When you check that your baby is okay after having an urge or intrusive harm thoughts, it only reinforces the idea that these urges and thoughts are real and dangerous. If you just try to experience them and let them be, you will eventually learn that they aren't harmful or important. I think the main thing to remember is that with OCD, the only way out is through. We have to experience our anxiety to teach ourselves that it isn't meaningful. I know it's very difficult but so worthwhile when you come out on the other side.
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