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About PhilM

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  1. I’m devastated.

    Well maybe but there is a section on the forum for younger users. Lily chooses to post here. Best wishes, Phil
  2. I’m devastated.

    It's another manifestation of the same condition. I don't mean that dismissively but the thoughts aren't the problem, it's the reaction. Lily you've had more advice in two months than I had in 12 + years. What do you think you can do help yourself beyond lengthy posts and posts about suicide?
  3. Thanks my friend. You always give good counsel not reassurance. If my wife and I are lucky enough to have a Phil/Philippa (not sure about the spelling!) junior I will be in touch with all my forum friends to have lots of forum god parents! Some damned fine people on this forum including you Roy.
  4. Thanks for the responses. To clarify it's been a long journey to get on this "low dose" and was my choice to start a reduction program. I guess fundamentally what got into my mind was that I've spent a third of my life on tranquillisers with different doses obviously. I'm trying to think positively about what I achieved with OCD, pills and massive anxiety and what I CAN achieve moving forward and continue to strive to be a useful member of this forum and charity. All the best, Phil.
  5. For the first time in quite a while. Worrying about how I'll cope without tranquillisers. No reassurance sort but head doing a number on me.
  6. When I was a kid I definitely think I had manifestations of OCD like smelling my hands because I felt they were "dirty". When the "real horror" kicked in at 23 all I did was concentrate on academic achievements - my BA and MA and a sensible approach to alcohol and no drugs. I wasn't "well" but achieving things made me feel "normal". I started working for a publishing company in 1999 and one sunny day a member of staff opened the blinds and for the first time I saw opposite a primary school. The fear was horrendous. I was actually having to work next door to a school - classic response to untreated OCD. As time moved on I was promoted to senior reporter, feature editor and deputy editor on a magazine but there was always a private and shameful background - lots of C offered in functions in London, ridiculous amounts of alcohol and then tranquillisers. My OCD has always waxed and waned but I know for a fact that I now choose to drink moderately, not take drugs and with the help of my GP, my wife and BRILLIANT members on this forum have addressed the Valium issue - almost. Someone said to me the hard work starts when you are off the tranquillisers completely which I agree with but the start of the journey was hell. Here I am on 2mg a day from 40mg in April 2016. I'm not into self-approval but I know I've done well. Thank you friends. Phil.
  7. You should be proud of your achievements OD and having known something things about your life with OCD and other issues | have always had a lot of respect for you. I know and have known a lot of people who've stopped using specific "poisons" and don't seem very happy - you don't come across that way. Self questions - why on earth would I take drugs that don't need to be mentioned by name? Why would I want to wake up taking Ibrufofen (sic) or Paracetamol (sic) - sorry about the spelling (!) to kick start my day and feel awful with intrusive thoughts that were 10 times worse? than the day before because I was hungover or "coming down". Why would I gamble again after almost two years? I would have to be in a very bad place to put a bet on a horse to do with "inappropriate distraction". Best wishes, Phil.
  8. My cards arrived today from OCD-UK and they are great! Specific people will receive them as I want them to ask why I chose this particular charity. Thank you - I know it's a busy time of year for Ashley et al. Phil.
  9. I didn't want to go into details on another forum user's thread as it was that person's thread. I remember the 2005 General Election and I took the next day off to watch the results with our lodger (not a big drinker) and we were both into politics (I'm not so much now - jaded) and we stayed up all night watching the results come in and I drank three bottles of red wine. At some point X said "bloody hell Phil, you've drunk a lot tonight". At the time to me it seemed normal. Because I was getting ridiculous amounts of free alcohol through work I had no RESPECT for alcohol as I hadn't paid for it. Fundamentally it was a crutch. I got to a point were I could drink massively and still go to work in the morning clean-shaven, showered, ironed shirt but felt terrible for obvious reasons beyond hangovers. I never craved alcohol but I did go to a few AA meetings after I split up with my partner which was a traumatic experience for both of us with all the emotional and financial issues. I learnt a lot from the fellowship and didn't drink for quite some time but ultimately I realised I wasn't an alcoholic as defined by AA - BUT I had to address my inappropriate use of alcohol and illicit substances. I like a drink - watching football or doing crosswords in good company. A couple of glasses of wine with my lovely wife at home. It is very rare now to get drunk. Hopefully this coherent post emphasises that. Best wishes, Phil.
  10. I remember vividly the hangovers I had when I drank excesively when I was in a really bad state with OCD. The feelings in the morning were horrendous.
  11. Dr Claire Weekes

    Also Pass Through Panic
  12. Dr Claire Weekes

    Lynz the two books I mentioned in my initial post are good and still in print. Although a bit old-fashioned I think a lot of what she wrote about anxiety in general is still relevant. Best wishes, Phil.
  13. Dr Claire Weekes

    I totally agree with this comment.
  14. As I have said previously in a hopefully kind way you need to find an appropriate distraction - did you see your therapist today? I know you weren't for two weeks so forgive me if I've got my dates wrong. People are giving you a lot of attention because you are young and older sufferers don't want you to go through the years of hell we've been through or still go through. I genuinely believe (again with understanding of your distress and kindness) that these constant posts and multiple threads aren't going to help you other than get reassurance.