ohwhyhello

Hope you're all doing well. I have no real goal or question with this post – I guess just venting, to get it out of my head? I've suffered from OCD since I was a teenager. I had some really good CBT a few years ago and for the last five years have of course suffered from intrusive thoughts, but I have consistently been able to apply my training before it "consumed" me. Now, I can't seem to do what I need to do: allow the thoughts to exist but not engage with them. I had my divorce hearing two weeks ago, my husband has reappeared out of the woodwork after six months, threatening to object to the divorce, telling me he moved into my neighbourhood. Someone's ringing my doorbell at night. Lots of stress. Maybe that's left me vulnerable. At first, I became obsessed with deciding whether I should talk to him again. Circular thoughts. Then, my old friend, health obsessions, returned, and I returned to my other old friend: Google. Everyday I have a new symptom of liver disease (I drink a fair amount). I've become obsessed with the idea that I've ruined my liver. One day, I think my hair is falling out. Then I decide it isn't, based on self assessment tests online. The next day, I feel itchy all over, after having read about that symptom online. Then I suddenly don't itch, and I have a headache. Then I'm not hungry anymore. Then I think I have a fever, and measure my temperature every few minutes. When it shows I don't have a fever, all the sudden I realise I have a bruise. Am I bruising easily because I have AIDS? A few minutes later, I have an itch "down there". My husband must have given me genital herpes. Today, I feel like maybe one of my teeth is falling out. Then I realised I was in a spiral. I started taking my SSRI again three days ago, after years off it. This causes more symptoms – tiredness, sweaty palms, dry mouth. It's like my body is this minefield of obsessions. Every day it feels like I'm dying in some other unique way. I know, deep down, the issue is not whether I have XYZ disease or infection. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. But what I'm feeling now, and the symptoms I'm experiencing, they all started when I began googling. I know I need to get off WebMD and stop trying to rationalize or assure myself that I am fine. I need to stop debating whether to go to the doctor or not. Whatever a doctor tells me right now, if he says I am fine, I will come up with a reason why he might be wrong. I know all this. Why can't I relax, and get some peace of mind for two seconds? I feel very isolated. I am holding it together. I am going to work every day. I am feeding and clothing myself and seeing my friends. But inside my head, it's all pointless. I feel so weak, like I don't have the strength to go up against it. Maybe some encouragement, "you go girl" kind of support would be helpful. Thanks guys for all you do.

I think the question you need to start asking yourself is: no matter how difficult or hard it might seem, what can I do to help myself in this very moment? You keep saying you "can't" do things. What if you could, even if it was it was very difficult? You are capable for much more than you give yourself credit for. What can you do, say, within the next few hours, to take a step towards a better life, even if it entails facing your fears?

They don't react to a thought like that at all, they dismiss it and move on with their lives.

Have you considered taking on the advice you've been given so far on this thread and others? That is an alternative to what you are currently doing, which is clearly not working.

Nothing is going to change unless you change your behavior. It will continue like this every day of your life until you take a stand against OCD. Why not start today? You need first and foremost to stop involving your partner in your compulsions. That is not fair to him.

So what do you think your next course of action should be?

It can get much, much better than it is right now. You just need to put in the work, and not rely on someone or something (doctors, therapists, medications) to do with work for you. No one can help you but you. Only you can help you. You are so, so capable.

Do you think you are doing yourself any favours with this line of thinking?

Anxiety is entirely tolerable, if you give it a chance. You can't stop thoughts, so just allow them to come. Anxiety can't hurt you; the REACTION to anxiety can hurt you. Disempower the anxiety, and you're gold.

Maybe. Maybe not. Accept the anxiety that that possibility gives you, and carry on. Tolerate the anxiety. It will pass. Do not try to logic your way out of it. Do not argue with the thought. Anxiety may feel intolerable, and most people will do anything to make it go away, but it will pass. Don't try to make it go away. Anxiety feels like ****, but it can not hurt you. Tell yourself: "Yes, someone came to my back door and raped me. He gave me HIV and herpes." And then do NOTHING. Don't argue against it, accept it. If you internalise this, over time, I can guarantee you things will get much, much better.

Do you REALLY believe that you f**cked some guy at the pharmacy? Deep down? You are clearly a rational person. I can't say whether you did or didn't, but I think you know. It took me three sessions with a qualified CBD therapist to get the basic hang of it. Longer to internalise it. You are not untreatable. Simply not.

You know, cognitively, if this happened or didn't. Don't let your OCD feed you lies. To truly recover, you need to get to a place where you can say to yourself: "Maybe I boned this guy in the middle of a pharmacy and he gave me AIDS," and live with that possibility. Tolerate the anxiety and not do a thing about this. I know it's hard to imagine accepting this in the place where you're at. But you cannot even fathom how great your life could be if you submitted to the thought without fighting it. I was where you are. If I had a paper cut on my finger, I'd be convinced that I had contracted HIV by touching the rail on the subway. It's all lies. Maybe you have herpes, maybe you have HIV, maybe you are the biggest secret slut and you don't know it. Oh well. Adopt the "oh well" attitude and things will get MUCH easier. There is a way out. You just need to STOP reacting to alarming thoughts. It's painful at first, but so, so rewarding. You are doing all the wrong things. Cut out the doctors. Entirely. No more doctors. It isn't doing you any favours, it's making things worse. Be smart about this. Do NOT submit. Don't waste time and energy. This is a totally treatable disorder and you don't have to be its slave. You don't. Really. You just need to take responsibility for your own thought patterns. No one else can do the work for you. Medication and therapy are helpful tools, but no one can fix you but you.

Not at all. What I'm saying is: what makes you think ruminating and trying to figure out what exactly happened is the way to go? Do you think you eventually arrive at a definite answer? You've not had success with this method. It's causing you great distress. So the logical conclusion is to not do what you've been doing; to do something different. Wouldn't you say? You feel like a fraud and a cheater. Okay, you can't just make that go away in one fell swoop. But you can continue to live your life despite the feeling. Feelings are just that – they can only hurt you if you let them. Anxiety is an awful feeling, but you can still choose to live a nice life anyhow. You sound like you've given up on living because you have anxiety. It stands to reason that right now, the only other option is to live DESPITE the anxiety. It's your choice – make a good one!

They don't keep it up! What you're doing now isn't working, so why keep dong it? Give up on trying to find an answer, and live your life despite not knowing!

Deleted. On second thought, my initial post was judgy and not helpful. Sorry.