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  1. Hi Cub, You write very movingly about your relationship with your Mum. I lost my Mum to cancer and it will be 6 years this October. I questioned if I had been a good son to her and if I could have maybe told her i loved her more than I did. Her illness was a very fast moving one and she went down hill very quickly and within about 3 weeks of diagnosis she had been admitted to a hospice where she died a few days later. Being a typical man I struggled with telling her I loved her when she was healthy but I did manage to tell her in her final days. You sum up very nicely how she was your confidante and you could be completely yourself with her. I too struggle a bit socially I am ok with small groups but struggle with larger more boisterous groups and I often don’t know how to behave I worry if I am being too quiet and too withdrawn etc. This is often the case at my work, it’s a very social place and I feel I struggle to integrate sometimes. It was like this for me and my Mum, she loved me warts and all and I could always ask her for advice and to this day I wish I could pick up the phone and pick her brains on things. I didn’t appreciate when she was alive that she was in some way my ‘protector’ even though I had not lived at home for 10 years and have a family of my own I have always felt a bit more vulnerable since she died and realise how she was always trying to look out for me. I am sure your Mum loved you warts and all too, you have OCD and that is not your fault please don’t beat yourself up over feeling you were too wrapped up in your own thoughts, that is the nature of OCD it makes us very inward focussed. You deserve to be happy, you should not feel ashamed about anything. I do get what you say about feeling happy, OCD is often so ingrained in us I struggle to honestly recognise if I am happy or not sometimes if I have what feels like a pleasant day I start ruminating to see if I can almost find some negative element it’s almost like I sometime can’t allow myself to be happy. I think low self-esteem can go hand in hand with OCD or at least in does with me and that effects things for me. I am currently embarking on another course of CBT, it sounds like you have had CBT before but I know this is a very effective treatment for OCD, I am hoping to get better after a relapse, I wonder if you could to the same and get yourself referred? Avo
  2. I often have the same thing or at least similar thing, I suspect it's cos OCD causes anxiety almost constantly to varying degrees, I feel like I run out of adrenalin or whatever chemical/s it is and I can suddenly feel very down without there being any obvious OCD themes on my mind at that point. It almost to me feels like a heavy cloud has descended on me and it makes me feel very down and anxious. This often strikes after a particularly 'bad' episode of OCD. I can often feel tearful when this happens too, it does tend to pass eventually but it's a horrid frame of mind to be in.
  3. All the best for the weekend OceanDweller, you have been a great support for many of us on this forum, including me and it's been very much appreciated. Hope we can return the favour. Good luck. Avo
  4. Hi Ashley I have been on Fluoxetine for almost a year, started off on 20mg a day which was upped to 40mg a day about February. I had many side effects but don't recall anything around my hearing.
  5. I am often nervous about clicking on things, online often incase I see a picture of a child (I question my motivation for reading an article on line for example) even if the article is not necessarily about children, I will often avoid an article about anything relating to a child as I know I would worry too much, which I suppose in itself is avoidance. I am talking general news and sport stories nothing untoward. A similar thing happens if I see a woman who I may find attractive in the above scenario but could be late teens / early twenties as I worry incase they are actually a child and I didn't realise. Again I suppose this is avoidance along with rumination.
  6. Hi Paul92, I am sure everyone who uses this forum could reflect on their past and find things they are either embarrassed by or ashamed of. Nobody lives a 'perfect' life whatever that may be. I struggle at times with past events but you can't change them, you have to not ruminate over them which is easier said than done but CBT can improve the situation. Your not obliged to tell this person anything about your past, things take time to develop and I suspect your maybe getting a bit a head of yourself, it would be better to get to know this person slowly, Don't write off something that could be a nice development by consigning yourself to a life of misery. Have you had CBT at all? if not I would recommend trying to get referred.
  7. Hi Wonderer, Thank you for your reply, it can be worrying when I think about past events. I suppose like you say if I mention this to her it may be it provides some reassurance but then I still will probably get more worries along these lines but just a slightly different event. I suppose I should accept I cant change the past though its difficult OCD makes you feel like a very bad person. Thanks for your reply. Avo
  8. Hi All, can anyone tell me if they have suffered from worries about past events possibly meaning that one of their OCD worries may be true? I worry that i am attracted to Children and suffer with intrusive thoughts about things i have done in the past that may implicate me and prove that i am what i fear. I have when i first got this fear some 20 yrs ago i halfheartedly tried to see if i was aroused by thoughts of children, this did not involve watching anything just trying to think about children and see if a had any response in my nether regions, did this i think a few times. I also used this 'technique' around thoughts i may be homosexual. This however does not cause me as much worry as the first one i mentioned as for me being gay is not wrong, where as being a pedophile most certainly is. There are various other incidents from my past that are often raised by my brain to try and implicate me as being a peadophile . I am currently under going CBT and am wondering if i should mention any of these to my Therapist? they cause me alot of anxiety and i feel i may be being deceitful to my therapist by keeping them to myself. Has anyone else had a similar issue about past events?, what should i do? Sorry to be so graphic. would appreciate any advice.
  9. I agree with OceanDweller on this, someone was funny at work with me for something I thought was no big deal and neither of us were more 'to blame' if indeed the situation was worthy of 'blame'. I decided she had the problem not me. People are a law unto themselves, it's his problem not yours.
  10. Thanks PolarBear, I must admit I never considered it being some form of panic attack, It seems mainly mental struggles, don't think I have too many physical side effects along the panic attack lines but them maybe I do but have never really noticed. It certainly seems more mental in terms of the main symptoms. This overwhelming feeling does often follow particularly stressful ocd episodes. I suppose the 2 could be linked?
  11. Hi all, I wonder if i could have some advice, i am trying not to ruminate over a problem with a crush on someone at work, what happened today was that i ended up having quite a long chat with this person fairly early on in the day and knew i would be struggling to avoid ruminating post chat, i tried and thought i was doing ok however i think i did ruminate a little but it was low level rumination in terms of it didn't cause too much anxiety. However around midday i had this overwhelming depressive feeling come over me, i can only describe it as making me want to cry and go home, i felt so down for a couple of hours that i felt dragged into rumination and assumed it was caused by me questioning this crush and did it mean i want to leave my wife?. It may sound trivial but this is tearing me apart and i am really starting to to question my relationship. I fear i may want to break up with my wife and it's making my life hell. It seems as if i had no control over this overwhelming feeling and really struggled to focus on anything else. It almost seemed to arrive out the blue i wan't doing too badly up until that point but things seemed to change almost instantly.. I have had this feeling on occasions in the past, it often seems to effect me when i have had a really prolonged bout of high anxiety OCD which i have had over the past few weeks., oddly i had it yesterday as well around a similar time of day. I know logically that i have no desire to leave my wife despite the crush, the more i think i may want to i just become more distressed and upset. When i don't ruminate too much over this issue i feel alot calmer and happier which is my way of thinking that it is OCD making a big drama out of something that is quite common and happens to everyone and is making me this distressed My question is how do i cope when i have such a horrible feeling come over me? is it a case of trying not to ruminate about why i feel this feeling up on me? it feels almost like an intrusive feeling rather than an intrusive thought. It almost leaves me so down i almost have to stop doing whatever i am up to at that point, which at work can be tricky. How do i get round this? Thanks Avo
  12. Hi I notice from your location you are in Cumbria, the NHS option there is First step and you can self refer. ERP will quite likely form part of the process if CBT is considered the best course of action for you.
  13. I would recommend work if at all possible, my job is quite physically demanding but not too mentally challenging so I find I do ruminate at work, however I would take that over being at home while my wife and son are at work/nursery. I have had jobs with less sociable hours than my current one and I definitely suffered from too much time being alone and to think. A cruel twist for me has been a crush on someone at work and this has been effected by my OCD but that is something I am trying to work on. However that aside I think working generally is good for me
  14. Hi All, Just got back from a session of CBT, we touched on this issue and have agreed to look in more detail next week. I have typically come away thinking the therapist said that maybe I am just kidding myself and do actually want to leave my wife, she said nothing of the sort, she started to say a sentence stopped and started it again and maybe I filled in the gaps in my OCD addled brain. nothing was said in such a way through the rest of the session to make me think this was her opinion. She has given me some reading about how to dis-engage with ruminating because this worry is almost bringing me to tears today, as well as setting me some homework related to the compulsions I am carrying out on a regular basis not relating to this subject. I think your right Wonderer, I have questioned what it means about my own relationship. We looked today about the meaning or appraisal you give to a thought and how giving it a meaning leads to various emotions and then you try and perform a compulsion to try and alleviate the worry which in this case is ruminating. I have given this a lot of meaning and its made me question the most stable thing in my life which has been quite a test over the past few years.
  15. Hi OceanDweller, Yes I think I am better off with my wife, although OCD being what it is means I am doubting that, trying to work out if that's the case. When I am not completely in the grips of this present worry I feel calmer and more content about being with my wife which perhaps suggests that my natural happy state or maybe calmer state is with my wife. If I think too much about going off with someone else then I become anxious and upset and guilty. I suppose what has confused me is that I could see a potential to be with this other person or at least enjoy some intimacy with them although being honest I don't know them that well, however like many have said, what I am experiencing is perfectly natural and makes me human. I think OCD maybe makes my views too black and white and I suppose there has got to be a grey area sometimes. The whole thinking of someone else when intimate! I probably am performing some kind of avoidance of this cos I would feel very guilty if I did think of someone else, so try not to. however having read these boards over the last few weeks it seems this again is something people do and it's quite common.!