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Oceanblue

Bulletin Board User
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  1. How Do I Let Go?

    I know you’re right Polar and I am trying really hard not to give in but part of my mind is telling me that by resisting this I’m somehow burying it in the sand or that I’m running away from it which is maybe indicating that the thoughts maybe more likely to be true as that’s maybe something that someone with actual guilt would do? I’m completely torn at the moment as just before I went to bed last night I just got a random thought again about a film we got years ago from a time just after when my intrusive thought is based. My mind was begging me to memory check and remember how I felt during watching it but I told myself to just focus on other things and try to get some sleep. This morning the urge to memory check was still there and I’m sorry to say that I did give in and now I think I can only remember watching bits and pieces of it now I’m questioning why. Was it because I knew I had done something bad and my mind was distracted by worry or guilt? I’m trying to remember if I felt anxiety at the time but I just can’t seem to figure it out. My mind is begging me to think more deeply again but I’m currently trying my best not to give into it.
  2. Magic/Superstitious Thinking??

    Weil I wish you all the luck in the world Jennie and hope you continue on your path to recovery and a life free from this horrible form of anxiety.
  3. How Do I Let Go?

    Yes I suppose this is the whole problem as you so correctly pointed out Polar. My thing at the moment seems to be that I keep feeling the need to repeat the new viewpoints in my head as to why intrusive thought may be real and see how it fits,over and over and over. When I’m with others or in a public place I feel the urge to disappear to the restroom just so I can repeat the viewpoints in my head and address them in order to get on with the rest of the day. If I momentarily start feeling normal and at ease again my mind questions it and then the same thoughts emerge.
  4. How Do I Let Go?

    I know you’re right Polar bear but it just all makes me feel like such a terrible person. This is normal in OCD isn’t it? It can play mind games on you to distort your thinking and make even the most awful of thoughts seem so real and believable? I just feel so scared that maybe my experience is different
  5. I know exactly what you mean Saz. It’s always begging ‘just think this through and give it attention just one more time’. But unfortunately it’s a big fat liar and one more time is never enough. Keep going though Saz,you’re doing brilliant!
  6. How Do I Let Go?

    I’m sorry to be saying this but today has been a massive failure I was trying my best to control my memory checking and reassurance seeking behaviour. I got more intrusions about a previous intrusive thought coming from different angles and viewpoints as to how the thought may actually be true. It basically started with me thinking that a)maybe I really disliked the person at the time and thought they were really unpleasant and maybe I had wanted to punish them or inflict harm on them in some way for being so unpleasant or b)perhaps because I was a young girl who had practically no self-esteem and been treated like a nobody by others I may have wanted to inflict harm to have the feeling of power and being in control for once. I know I would never do this now and even thinking it makes me feel sick to my stomach but because it’s so long ago I feel like I can’t be sure. Also it feels like an absolute sin to be thinking this way as the person in my thought was a lovely,amazing person who I love dearly but because I was only a child back then and didn’t understand her condition I can’t be sure how I felt back then. What sort of a person does that make me? If I can even think I was capable of causing such harm and truly believing and thinking these things back then If I really was,I don’t even deserve to live. It feels like my Brian is tormenting me constantly and no matter how hard I try to stay strong and resist ,the nastier the thoughts get and at the moment my mind just doesn’t seem to be strong enough to rule anything out and say ‘no this is just anxiety and ocd playing mind games again’ This is what scares me the most! ?
  7. Magic/Superstitious Thinking??

    Thank you BelAnna..I am rooting for you also and hope you get better from this soon! Thanks Snowbear..your post makes perfect sense and I can see now how I was trying to establish meaningless links in what will always be an unpredictable world. It’s just mad how my mind has become so irrational and seems to distort even the simplest of scenarios into a major reason for panic but I guess it’s just the anxiety playing mind games once again.
  8. Hi everyone.. basically I feel as if I reached a crucial point in my recovery process last night. I accepted that I have been a slave to this disorder for too long already and that my attitude and behaviour has to change if I am to truly get better. I accepted that the probability of my intrusive thoughts being true is unlikely and that it is time I put it all down as being a symptom of OCD anxiety and accept that they are indeed just thoughts with no real meaning, like my psychologist and other mental health professionals have said. Of course I still do not feel 100 per cent certain that this is the case and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still afraid but that's ok. I have been strong and tried to resist most of the compulsions today that I would normally give into with reasonable success. However, this morning whilst I was driving into work I was listening to a quiz on a radio station. I don't know why but for some strange reason I decided to guess the number of questions out of 10 the lady had got right and told myself that if I had guessed the correct amount it could be a sign from God that my intrusive thoughts were completely false and I was going to be ok. In this instance I guessed correctly and felt a wave of comfort wash over me. Much later on in the day when at work I answered a phone-call from a customer and detected an accent from a particular part of the country, the same part of the country where the person in my most recent intrusive thought comes from. Instantly my brain seemed to panic and I had racing thoughts begging that the lady wasn't from the same area as it would tempt me into ruminating about my intrusive thought again but also that if she was it could be a sign from God that this intrusive thought was true. Of course whenever the lady confirmed her address my fear was realised and the panic set in. I know this makes no logical sense and I was playing a risky game with my thinking but the thoughts were just so fleeting in the moment they almost felt automatic and now I have gotten myself tangled up. This kind of thinking is new to me and I have not made this links before. I know it probably sounds really silly to base whether or not thoughts maybe true or not on such unrelated factors but I was left almost afraid to answer another phone call in case it would be someone from the same locality again and my brain would accept it as another sign etc. I apologise for the rant but would just appreciate some advice from those of you who may have heard of this or experienced it and have any tips on how do stop myself from getting caught into a cycle of allowing my anxiety to be ruled by external sources that can never be controlled,now that I've already got drawn into this web of thinking. I think maybe my faith in God may be a factor here also and the fact that I'm deeming things to be a sign from him and wondering why he would send me signs that thoughts are true if they aren't etc. Basically how the hell do I distance myself from these theories and get myself untangled?
  9. How Do I Let Go?

    In response to your question Polar Bear..the simple answer is no, I wouldn't . The past is in the past and all we truly have is the here and now. I have been making a special effort to go forward with this positivity and made the decision to no longer be a slave to my anxiety. It won't be easy but nothing worth having in life is. I have to keep fighting and not let this horrible disorder destroy any more precious time. Thank you so much for your ongoing wealth of knowledge and advice I truly do appreciate immensely.
  10. How Do I Let Go?

    Thank you all for your amazing advice. I can't tell you how much I admire and respect you all for your courage battling your own OCD and yet also taking the time to help a fellow sufferer. Thank You!
  11. Good luck Saz...I am currently on the same path myself and know how soul-destroying false memories can be. Time to get our lives back!
  12. Because I've now had so many intrusive thoughts related to so many different people and situations, almost anything can be a trigger to remind me of the original intrusive thought and get me back to square 1 ruminating on it all over again. Also when I think I'm safe and have considered the thought properly from all angles and am ready to let it go,my mind ends up sending me new information and ideas as to why the thought could be true and I'm terrified back to the exact same place I started. I know the simple answer is to just let all the ideas and thoughts go and view them as having no meaning but how? I find it so hard not to ruminate and consider my thoughts to try to make sense of them and then get rid of them but of course it never quite works out that way. I think it's mainly guilt that pulls me right back from my recovery each time to be honest. The guilt of possibly having caused such pain to someone else. How can I let this go? I've always been sensitive and cared about other people's feelings so how can I live my life fully and be happy if my mind keeps sending me these horrible thoughts. I wouldn't deserve any form of happiness if the thoughts are true so how can I possibly move forward?
  13. Worst Intrusion Yet

    Thank you so much for this amazing advice Jennie, it means so much. I understand what you are saying about accepting the thoughts as a coping technique rather than it being a reflection of moral code. This must have been so hard for you to do but I am so glad it helped you,I am going to try my very best to just let my thoughts be there no matter how intrusive or messed up they become without getting caught up in needing to neutralise them and convince myself of how incorrect and untrue they are . When I get such thoughts,my breathing can become really rapid and shallow but I am working hard to try and control this and practice mindfulness etc.
  14. Worst Intrusion Yet

    Sorry to be incredibly annoying folks but I'm still struggling massively with above and similar. Would it be a fair analysis to say that the random thoughts I'm getting from stuff I've read/seen on tv etc. could well be linked to original intrusive thought but this does not make the intrusive thought more true? It just means that my brain is highly sensitised because of intrusive thought and as a result my brain is sending me other material of similar disturbing content to get my brain to react? Or could it be that there is no link at all and I am just placing every single fleeting thought that enters my consciousness under the microscope and causing myself unnecessary hours of mental investigation to prove to myself that I am worrying unnecessarily? Problem is everything just becomes so jumbled and it's so unnerving to cope with on a daily basis. I feel like I don't know my own mind anymore.
  15. Worst Intrusion Yet

    Yes I think it was probably just a mad mix of emotions Lavender as you say. I know you're absolutely right Polar Bear,I've been trying to make sense of them all day and of course got no further forward but the temptation to keep ruminating and figuring out the answer is compellingly strong.
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