HGeorge

Hi guys, i’m really struggling at the moment with ocd with obsessions of a sexual nature and false memories. Currently I’m having this horrible thought from 2 years ago that I’ve touched my young cousin inappropriately when he was sitting next to me. I remember having the intrusive thought whilst sitting next to him on the sofa watching TV. My brain has this thing where seconds later it feels as if the thought was not just a thought and it was real and it actually happened. My mind will then make me feel as if I’ve done something wrong and then I feel scared, terrified, guilty and racked with anxiety. Since then it’s just been loads of fear, over analysis, overthinking and obsession. Surely this could be OCD, I can’t remember any reaction from my cousin and I have seen him a number of times since having this particular episode and it’s always been fine. Surely he would have said something or panicked or something. There would have been some sort of reaction, he would have told his family, there would have been some sort of repercussion. I remember my family were in the next room with the double doors open to the room where we were sitting, it seems pretty far fetched that this could have happened? I keep trying to imagine what his genital region might feel like to see if I can remember and I have also sat down on the sofa where we were in my house and pretended to reach across the sofa to the part where he was to see if I remember doing anything like that. None of this is helping and I know that it’s just safety behaviour. This thought feels so real right now and it feels so vivid in my mind and it’s scaring the hell out of me!! It feels like it’s just another one these weird things where my mind goes all thought event fusion on me but I can’t be sure! Any advice would be really great, H

I've been suffering from horrific OCD intrusive thoughts of a sexual nature about children. Recently I was at home and there was a children's party going on in the flat above me. I ended up hearing some children's voices by front door and then all of sudden I had this horrible thought of opening the door and then abusing one of them in my room in my flat. All of a sudden seconds later i had this thought that made feel as if I had actually done this, like it wasn't enough for the thoughts just to attack me, they also shot the idea that I had actually acted and hurt a child! Following on I have been obsessing and ruminating over this for months, testing myself and performing mental compulsions. A big thing for me is worrying when I'm in my room - the environment where my mind locates all these thoughts and scenarios in my head I have been obsessing about. I now feel I can't be in there, and I physically test myself but laying over on the bed trying to remember any 'positions' or 'senses' or something. It gets very difficult. Anyone else relate?

No you wouldn't forget it, regardless of morality and you certainly wouldn't forget it if it completely went against your morals! Another on a forum told me that you don't forget things that you've done and that you cannot repress them or put them into an area as repressed memories. That may happen when you're younger if something happened to you, but not if you do things! This is the OCD eating at you, not you. Try and disengage with the thoughts and don't give the bully any power. If you give it an inch, it'll take a mile! best wishes ! HGeorge

Yeah I completely do the same, just try and keep doing things, keep busy. The thoughts, worries and anxiety are all still there but I'm getting on a bit better. I still manage get myself in a right, and there is under current feeling that stays with me in the back of my mind that I've done something wrong. That's something that really hurts me. Then I go searching for reassurance, ruminating etc. Definitely feel like this kind of thing cuts me off from family, friends, enjoying things etc. Thanks so much for your help.

Hi everyone, I was just wondering if anyone had anymore advice/tips about this at all? Thanks !

Hi guys, i'm having a bit of a bad one this morning. Last night my friend came and stayed at my place, and we shared the same bed. Went to sleep and everything was fine, but as I was laying there I got a thought in my head of sexually harming her while she was asleep. I tried not to react, as I'm trying to let the thoughts be, but this thought happened a couple of times in the night (in between me falling asleep and waking up as I was pretty restless) and when I woke up, I felt as if I had done something again and somehow hurt her while she was asleep. I'm now trying to rationalise, she would have woken up and realised right?!! Like things would have been very different this morning instead of us waking up and chatting and getting on as usual. Was just wondering if I could get some advice on this? Cheers guys!

You are right Polar Bear, I just need to get stronger and be more resilient. Would you say that the whole false memory thing with OCD is quite a common thing? I can understand people with thoughts, intrusive thoughts and that whole thing, but my fears and OCD centres around obsessing over having done something already, like this whole scenario came about seconds after having the thought and I started getting to beaten up in my mind where it tricked me to think I'd done something terrible and since then its just grown and grown. It's really hard because I feel like I'm alone in this scenario, with the whole false memory/created memory/doubts and worries. Many thanks and best wishes, HGeorge

Hi there, Thank you so much for your responses Yrrow and Polar Bear. Been doing a bit better this week. My anti-depressants have been helping and I've been getting on with things a little more, but at the same time I kind of feel numb and have urges to think, obsess and perform compulsions. I find it really hard to get away from it, but when I do it becomes like a background noise. One thing I do realise is that when I don't obsess, the idea that I had done something bad to a child becomes sewn into my mind and it makes me feel as though it actually did occur, which is when I try to battle myself. I want to get to a position where I can just know that everything is ok and just carry on with my life. Many thanks, HGeorge

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum, and I wanted to ask for some advice about a recent problem I've been struggling with. This is quite a long story but here goes. A couple of weeks ago, the flat above mine in our block was having a party for their child and there were quite a few children at the house. I was brushing my teeth ready to go out and go about my day when I heard some chldren's voices by my front door. I immediately had an intrusive thought of bringing a child into my flat and then sexually harming them in my room. I tried to be strong and just treat it as a thought and carry on, but it seemed to feel stronger and stronger and more scary. Literally moments later, I felt as if I had actually done something terrible and I started to obsess about the whole event of having the thought and being in my flat and everything. I left my house and went to my parents who were visiting my brother down the road from me, where I burst into tears. From then, it has been seriously making me ill. I am obsessing about this whole thing, trying to remember if I said anything, trying to remember what the child looked like, what clothes or underwear they were wearing, trying to test myself to see if I remember being in any sexual situations, trying to remember if they said or shouted anything, checking if I have any physical memory, retracing my steps in my house. It's all so tiring. I came home later that evening after seeing my parents, and saw one of the children in the hallway and my mind instantly latched onto the idea that it was the same person. But now I can't remember if this was in my original thought or if I added to it. I remember seeing them beforehand outside from my bedroom window but I think my mind has added things as I've got so muddled up. The more obsess, the more vivid and scary it all feels. I'm frightened of being in my own flat because this is where my mind locates all of this. I look at my bed and I have this horrible feeling, vivid images that I'd done something bad on there. I'm better when I'm away from my room, but as soon as I get home my mind instantly matches my thoughts with the fact that I can see my room with my own eyes when I get home. It makes it all feel so real. I am terrified that I have done something bad, although in reality no one has said anything, surely I would be in custody right now? Surely I would be in jail, the child would have said something if I had done anything? There were parents and adults outside in the garden. There were also two voices by the door when I had this thought and so the other person would have seen. I am being eaten alive by this, it is all I can think about and I am so scared that I have done something wrong. I seem to have this amazing thought/action fusion complex in my mind where I can convince myself I've done something terrible and believe it and simulate all the emotions. I've been through CBT for 28 sessions and have been discharged from it in September and so I cannot receive anymore help for a while. I am currently taking 50mg of sertraline. This is not the first time that this kind of obsession has happened to me. There have been 2 other times when I've started obsessing after babysitting for a friend's children and then looking after my ex girlfriend's sister. Now I'm so scared that this time it's real, even though i remember thinking the same thing the last time. I just want to feel better and know that things are ok, because I find it hard to enjoy anything and relax. I don't believe I'm capable of doing this, it's so out of character of me, I just want to know I'm ok. Does anyone have any advice about how I can help this and get on with life? Thank you for taking the time to read this. HGeorge