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ocdsufferer85

Bulletin Board User
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About ocdsufferer85

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Intrusive Thoughts, False Memories (I think) Checking, Responsibility, Health...

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    UK
  • Interests
    Art, Crafts, Animals, Nature, Photography, Comedy, Adventures, Shopping, Music, Movies, Craft & Vintage Fairs, The Unique and Qwerky, Needlefelting, Beading, Clay Sculpting, Jewellery Making, Food, Chocolate :)
  1. Progress but not perfect

    Thank you. I decided to actually look at the facts and what's even possible. So it can't take that away. I've tried to wind back and take away the distortions.
  2. Hi I thought I'd check in The last few days after an upsetting discussion (as usual) We came to the realisation that it was simply impossible to speak on an outwards breath, and I feel better. We worked it out in a way that is sticking. Its not perfect yet, I got triggered again today and it puts all new worries there, like well what if this happened or that happened, new false memories. I haven't been ruminating I've been stopping it and distracting myself when I feel it coming in. Its so hard, everyday is a fight but I'm trying to win this time. So I've got this conclusion and a proper rational look at its trickery. However I still hold some guilt and anxiety about 'feelings' or 'thoughts' during the 'event' ie - thinking I had one up on OCD so being less 'careful' I worry this makes me a bad person However I have worked out nothing was said at any of the points at the time, however OCD is still prodding at me. I worked out that if a breath freaked me out then no way would I speak without knowing. Etc...I won't go into details. I want to just hold on to what I have finally resolved. Anyway... What do you guys think, triggers are gonna come in, I feel upset when I fall back into the cycle, what do I do when a trigger happens? Rationalise it or really ignore it immediately? Trying my best. Thank you!
  3. Can OCD

    How can a person who wouldn't want to be guilty of something end up doubting if they are with guilt eating them alive. Its just not a life atall. I want to be well but I can't see past this. Its been over 7 years, how many more? I want my life not this, I'd rather not live.
  4. Can OCD

    I can't live like this, I am just sick of it all. I'm sick of having a professional not be able to explain how I fit with the ocd cycle. He made it even worse. Telling me what the compulsion would be, and me telling him well I didn't perform that compulsion... So how does it fit with me? No answer.
  5. Can OCD

    Just asking in general.
  6. Can OCD

    Make something out of nothing? A slight movement or reaction after a bad thought and suddenly you are convinced you have acted? Trying to let myself rationalise and let go. Its hard it comes in then goes on and off. Sometimes its massive and sometimes it seems daft. But I cannot let it go.
  7. I want to know some basic things about our minds, and if I am feeling guilt for something that shouldn't produce any guilt. A thought comes in. And unwanted thought. Eventually learning there is no guilt, it can't be controlled, it's not my fault. We cannot control our minds. Nobody can. Its impossible. This makes sense. This is logical. Now, when this thought sets off more thoughts, this is also unavoidable yes? Logical yes? No need for guilt as the above still applies? The answer is yes. That's me being logical once again. Now if the thought is of something I fear and don't believe in, if it's about an action, but I don't have any wanting inside of me to perform the action, if this idea comes from something I have read, someone else's 'worry' is it my fault for questioning it further? Is it a bad thing for me to think of the thing i fear the most and think how it would be done? Do I need to feel guilty of letting myself listen to THIS thought? Am I a bad person for allowing myself to take someone else's worry and imagine it as my own? Am I allowed to be less vigilant, or does this make me wreckless and deserving of punishment? I am trying to see if what the ocd says I've done is even a bad thing. Now, all these things are coming in.. "what would it be like" "is it so easy" "so if I, or anyone said that line would be immediately doomed?" "worse than any crime?" "is it that fragile?" Are these thoughts bad, OR is it normal rationalising? Is it normal when fixated on a particular thing to feel myself in a state where I feel like I can just see how it would be done, so mine is speaking under a breath as we all know. Is it a natural thing to feel your mouth move? Or is this something to feel guilty for? Is this a slight action due to OCD thoughts or is this a real thing to be immensely guilty for? If you have no intentions of acting then is feeling calm and allowing it something be ashamed of? Or deserving of punishment for being less careful, if I truly believe that if it's done it's the worst thing in the world. Is it bad of me to believe this yet still feel like I'm close or allowing myself to physically see how it would work? Is all of this unavoidable or is is it something I should be left to feel ashamed over? Finally when I feel like I 'slipped up' was this caused by me being bad, or was it caused by OCD? I am trying to grasp what people are saying is 'nothing' how? How is it nothing when to me it's so devastating and shameful. I want to know if these things are seen by none sufferers as nothing and why is it nothing to be ashamed of?
  8. If you talk to a 'normal' person..

    I can't find my merged threads
  9. Final post on this ruminating rubbish

    But I didnt even want to test, it was because I had this thought "how would that even be done" and then I started to react to that question, not intending to speak or anything, I allowed myself to see, because I knew I didn't want to do anything. But I feel immense guilt for it because it's like I lost control, I decided in that moment that I could be more relaxed about it, I would usually avoid it, but it's like I knew inside I'd never do it, I felt different, I felt in control for once and had this chilled out confidence for a brief moment, however when I realised that OCD would love it if I messed up I performed the compulsion to check nothing had happened. That's how I understand it, does it make sense? (illogical sense) What followed was what caused me to freak out because it happened out of nowhere. All my control was lost. I wasn't even thinking and I freaked out because I felt like it happened by accident. Its like all that relaxing earlier had backfired and suddenly I'd caused a massive worry. No intentions. But my worry in a nutshell was 'what if I spoke under a breath and didn't know if i had said anything " I saw this as making a mistake, I don't know why. I had been controlling it despite being relaxed and suddenly when I stopped controlling it I was no longer able to be certain. I blame myself for listening to OCD in the first place. I am in utter torment day in day out. Its illogical - you can't exhale words But OCD says what if... I have this immense guilt. Its a case of being controlled for years by OCD and the moment I felt stronger than it, it found a way to destroy that. Like it was waiting for me to fall into its trap.
  10. Final post on this ruminating rubbish

    I want my life back,I want it back to how it was before because even though I was always worried it was never THIS bad. It never gave me such guilt and fear.
  11. Final post on this ruminating rubbish

    If I accept it's OCD then I won't need to know.
  12. Final post on this ruminating rubbish

    For it to "feel like I wasn't careful" and to really "feel like I let myself get close" just convinces me it's real. How do I know whats a real and what's a false memory? How do I know? How am In this mess? I don't wanna be here anymore
  13. Final post on this ruminating rubbish

    Had enough. Today is one of those days where anything seems possible. No idea what is real or fake. And I can't switch off.
  14. Final post on this ruminating rubbish

    I was just thinking, when I get this feeling of dread in my gut.. How do I know if it's even a real memory. Something unplanned happens and it make us question every angle or motive and I don't even know why it happened. Its torture!
  15. Hi I'm sorry for posting a zillion times over the same old same old. I don't enjoy it I promise. Its the only way to cope for me which is just a nightmare as it never stops. I have just decided to say this one last thing. From now on I will have to try to take advice, or post without ruminating, just with progress i hope I don't see myself recovering at the moment but when my cbt starts I will update you on it. So I let my guard down for a moment during my OCD battle... Not because I wanted to act on it...but because I felt confident enough that I wouldn't ever act on it. Its like I was poking at OCD saying HA you can't win this time. It tricked me, within seconds because I let myself feel stronger, I loosened the reins ONCE because I felt no real danger, I felt like I would win,I didn't intend to act but I feel like edging close to it and facing it so head on is all my fault. I cannot work out why this would happen,it's not me,I'm never like that! Now OCD has distorted this whole event and left me riddled with guilt and self blame, questioning why I let my guard down, why I wasnt my usual super safe self, I felt pulled in by it without realising that in the end I would lose. I still have no desire to act on my thoughts but it's destroyed and convinced me I am the monster I feared being all along. I feel like I could have done better,I could have beaten it,I could have stopped it,I could have acted differently, but it ALWAYS finds a way to win. OCD cannot be defeated. It wasn't going to stop until I felt completely destroyed. It won. Its hell dealing with these thoughts all day long but to lose hope and blaming yourself is just the end for me. I hope I get better. Sorry for the posts. Thanks for the help. Bye for now.
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