Roger Smith

Thank you, as long as I know I haven't done anything wrong to the baby then I'll be able to resist thinking about it.

Okay so I'm a long sufferer of pocd which developed when I was around 14 due to being horrified by a news story about a paedophile. It lasted a long time but eventually I found this forum and learnt not to give into the compulsions and at one point felt i I had escaped it forever. This was until the day I first met my newborn neice. When I first met my niece they offered her for me to hold and I decided I should to challenge the ocd. I asked how to do it and they said to support her bum with my hand and her head with my shoulder. Due to where my hand was I felt really anxious and kept thinking about what if I moved or felt it and how people could do that and get away with it. After a while I got lost in a train of thought into how easy people could do this and I felt really anxious until I felt my hand move. Funnily enough when I first moved it I wasn't anxious I remember thinking it's okay don't turn that into an ocd so I didn't think I'd done anything wrong then. Unfortunately as I kept thinking eventually the ocd got to me that it was too important not to be sure about and it started again. I moved my hand left and right to prove to myself that you can move your hand and not be anything sexual because of course I feel nothing towards a baby. I can't get this thought out of my head that moving my hand was wrong. I know it wasn't sexual because it's a baby and I didn't feel anxious straight afterwards so it must have been fine when I did it. I keep thinking why would my hand move because it wasn't to get move comfortable because of were she was. I keep thinking what if thinking about moving your hand made it move or because I was focusing on that part of her body. Can somebody tell me whether I did anything wrong so I can start to resist compulsions or whatever else is necessary. Thank you.