lostgirl

PAVLIS97, thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm glad you saw my suggestion as something which could help. PolarBear, I understand your point of view. Of course CBT and exposure therapy are the way to go, I know this as I myself am doing this. However, I believe there isn't any harm in some reassurance in moments of complete despair, especially if you feel like you're alone in this battle. Saying just ignore any compulsions and don't ask for reassurance, is easier said that done. If it were that easy, no one would have ocd. I have struggled with ocd for over 10 years and it stole my life. I have seen therapists, taken medication (what a joke), and even tried hypnotherapy. The one thing that has helped me get better is my own willpower, and thinking outside the box. Just because there are methods already in place which have had results, doesn't mean other new methods (such as the camera idea I suggested) won't work. Of course there is a danger someone with false memory ocd may rely on the camera too much/long term, but the idea is they use it for a short time, perhaps even show the footage it takes to people they trust, and eventually they will start to believe what they are seeing. This would hopefully give them the confidence to believe in themselves and not use the camera whatsoever. I would also like to point out that you mentioning people could not believe the video taken with a camera etc is putting bad ideas into their minds. Yes, it may not benefit everyone, but it may help some. You shouldn't be so negative about something before it's been tried, and definitely not put ideas into people's heads. So they lose hope before they've even started.

Hi Jasmine, I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. I know ocd can be a absolute living nightmare! I don't suffer from false memory ocd myself, mine is more germs/contamination based and some intrusive thoughts. However, I have been making amazing progress with my recovery. From what you have written, it sounds like your fiance tries to help convince you that you haven't cheated. I had a thought (I know it's extreme, but it might really help in the long run)....why don't you try and buy one of those go pro small cameras, which you could attach to yourself as discreetly as possible, and it would film your day from your perspective. That way if you have any concerns that you have cheated, you could watch the video footage back and see for yourself that nothing happened. You obviously won't want to rely on this method long term, as it's a form of reassurance to an extent. But it could really help reinforce your confidence to believe what you already know....that you haven't cheated. We need to start trusting ourselves and our own judgement. I know it's extremely difficult when we having the 'doubting' ocd, but it can be done. Do you think something like this might help? If it worked, hopefully you would gain enough confidence in yourself, that you wouldn't need the camera and could go about your day feeling somewhat better. I know your type of ocd must be very complicated, but it's just a suggestion. Sometimes thinking outside the box can help

Hi Zazoo. I felt compelled to reply to your post, as I saw it had gone unnoticed by everyone else on the forum, and I feel you need someone right now. I have suffered from ocd for over 10 years, and have unfortunately had suicidal thoughts from time to time, especially last year and I've had some bad moments this year too. I get mine when I just feel very overwhelmed by everything in general. I think if your anxiety is flaring up, it will no doubt have an effect on your general wellbeing and ultimately your state of mind. The key is whenever you feel down, try doing things which you know make you happy. Even if you don't feel like it at the time, try doing positive things. Also try and talk to someone about how you feel, if you're lucky enough to have family or friends as support. I must admit, when I was taking medication a few years ago, it made me highly depressed. I was on citalopram, and I felt so down that I had to stop taking it. If you're taking medication, it's possible you could be getting the same side effect I had. Good luck with your recovery. You can beat ocd Just take it one day at a time.

Hi everyone, I'm not sleeping very well at the moment. I'm doing well with my recovery, the best I've ever done and I do believe I'm on the road to being cured. I'm so happy because of this, but at the same time, I have never felt more alone I live in a house on my own because my family can't handle my ocd, and they said they couldn't bear to live with me. So they arranged for me to live in a house and get better on my own. I have no friends. I am completely isolated in my house and only go out when I need to get food shopping, go for the odd walk to try and get exercise and fresh air, and I sometimes go on day trips somewhere if I can. My only 'friend' I have is my ex boyfriend. He was my best friend and understands my ocd more than anyone, but unfortunately during his fits of rage, he used to use his knowledge of ocd against me to hurt me We separated to work on ourselves, and I actually have and am getting better! We agreed if I got over my ocd to function and live a normal life, we would give it another shot. I work hard against my ocd everyday and hope we can work things out. I'm so isolated without him. I am worried though that he could still harm me. He has a habit of being really cruel. I recently went on one of my day trips to London to see him, but he got annoyed at me. He then put his wheelie bin up against the front gate of his house, because he knew it would distress me and scare me. I was so hurt. I couldn't believe because he was angry at me, he would use my ocd to damage me I would rather he call me every horrible term under the sun than use my condition against me. We have spoken since and are getting on better, but I feel so lonely. He and I don't speak as much as we used to. My family are also a joke. They don't understand my ocd and do a lot of damage to my recovery, forcing me to live alone to make progress. The only person who seems to care about me is my ex landlord who will call me from time to time to ask how my ocd is going. I'm not a horrible person, but people around me just see my ocd and not me. I really miss human contact. Before meeting my ex, I hadn't touched anyone for 7 years. Since we separated, I haven't had any human contact for over a year. I'm just so lonely, and feeling so depressed makes my recovery even harder. I broke down yesterday and was in a bad way. I'm dealing with my ocd, but I can't handle being so lonely and isolated

I just wanted to say I agree with what you're saying. I don't believe ignoring ocd will make people better. Of course you need to deal with it cognitively, in order to change the way you think about things in the first place, to avoid ocd thoughts altogether. However, I do believe in moments of panic, when you don't have a therapist with you 24/7 for support, rationalising and not paying attention to an ocd thought can help. I know this from experience. When I last saw a decent therapist, they believed I was 80% cured, and I've improved even more since then. My method helps me anyway, but I do agree that cbt is worth doing. Also, I am somewhat confused about something you mentioned. You said contamination is created by your feelings of disgust, not the other way around (disgusted by something that feels contaminated). I'm bewildered by this because another old therapist of mine (not the best to be honest), explained to me that mental contamination is caused by the brain feeling something is contaminated, and you then have a feeling of disgust because your mind is perceiving the contamination as a danger to you. So the fear fires up in your brain, and the danger makes you feel disgust. I'm not saying she is right, but it's what she told me. I've basically been living feeling whenever I feel disgust, it's just my brain overreacting as it's interpreting a situation as a danger. I'm confused

Hi Ashley sorry for the late response! Had a lot of ocd related drama the last two weeks. Thanks so much for the photo of your exposure work, it really does help seeing others set an example I'm really interesting in trying to set up some cbt with Elizabeth Forrester, the therapist you mentioned. How do I go about getting in touch with her? Do I call the Maudsley hospital directly or do you have her contact details? I'd like to try and set up an appointment as soon as possible because I'm on a roll with my recovery at the moment, and could really do with some cognitive support. Hope to hear back from you soon. Thanks!

Thanks Paradoxer It's funny because it was once the opposite for me and I used to get such relief after doing my ocd behaviours. However, over the years, after all the physical, mental and financial strain, I now get relief at the thought of NOT having to do ocd rituals! I seriously get no enjoyment from ocd whatsoever, even when things go well or are 'perfect'. I just resent ocd and everything it has taken from me, and I channel my anger into fighting against my ocd now. It really is such a relief when you don't have to spend hours doing ocd related stuff Phil10, I feel your pain. Over the years, I have thrown away clothes, shoes, tech stuff, furniture. I even got rid of my brand new mini worth thousands, because I felt it got contaminated when I worked at a cattery and felt I could never use it ever again. I only got to use it for 6 months before my ocd made me so worried I couldn't face it again. This is extreme behaviour and I'm learning to stop. These days I do my best to change the way I think about things. I know it's ridiculously difficult when you're panicking and stuck on a thought, to rationalise a situation....but you must do just that. The first thing you need to do is see how other people interact/cope with the things that bother you. I find observing others helps me alot, to remind myself what's 'normal' behaviour. I can relate to your type of ocd. I have contamination based ocd, but it centres on the feeling of absolute disgust! I just can't shake the feeling sometimes when I feel grossed out by something, but I work really hard to ignore any thoughts. It sounds like you hate the feeling of disgust too. Sometimes I find telling myself 'that didn't happen' helps alot lol. I just do my best to focus on something else. I know it's hard but you'll get better at it over time, just like I have. You can beat ocd

Hi Phil10. I just wanted to say I have contamination based ocd, so I can definitely relate to your concerns about toilet water and dirty washing baskets etc. I too, would have an urge to throw away stuff like windows if I could, but obviously it isn't realistic. I have recently been exposed to alot of my greatest ocd fears, some on purpose, some by accident, but I ended up ignoring my thoughts and didn't give in to my ocd. It definitely plays on your mind the first few days, but it's also a relief not having to do an ocd behaviour. It's been about a week since my last major exposure and I feel good. I'm just getting on with things and trying my best to put it to the back of my mind. I know it's tough, but I promise you will be so happy and proud of yourself for going against your ocd. Bit by bit, you'll get your ocd free life back

Thanks OceanDweller, I appreciate your advice. I agree, having my cats has been good for myou soul but also for my right against my ocd. It has forced me in a way, to confront alot of my contamination fears. My fear of faces and urine has definitely lessened, and I find myself able to shrug things off more easily. But the matter of the odd poop massacre if particularly distressing for me. I know if I was living with someone, it would be much easier because you could share the workload of taking care of 2 cats. But I'm really struggling on my own. I'm not just trying to get my ocd better. Ocd has also taken a huge toll of my health and I'm desperate to find the time to get out to the doctors and dentist, to help put myself back to where after years of hell due to ocd. Exposure therapy onto top of getting to the doctors/dentist, getting out and about in general, doing shopping, spring cleaning, using he bathroom and showering (can take hours), and preparing my one meal a day, means I have very little time and I'm exhaunted. So when a poop massacre happens, I don't have any energy left and I'm at risk of breaking down as stupid as that sounds. I'm hoping I'll figure out a way to manage everything Chaosed, thanks for your advice too. I agree that my ex shouldn't be given the time of day. But apart from my ocd, we never ever had another other issues in our relationship. Last year we agreed we needed our own space and I promised I would try my hardest to get better, and with the ocd better/gone, we would try to be together again. This has been immense pressure on me but I love him so much I have worked so hard and I'm actually getting better. The worst part though, is the fact that he constantly changes his mind about wanting to be with me. It makes me feel so sad because it makes me feel utterly worthless as a person, because he doesn't want to be there for the real me, the girl underneath the ocd. I have thought to myself, that if we do get together and have children and one day our child asks about our relationship....would I say I got sick and your Dad left me until I got better. He left me alone because I wasn't good enough and he came back when I was? I think that would be a heart breaking thing to reveal and an awful thing to teach your child. It would basically teach them that they mustn't get sick or the person they love one day will leave them too. I feel like my ex should be ashamed of himself, but he buries his head in the sand and likes to blame everything on me to deal with his own guilt he won't face up to. Anyway, I suppose I hope he'll realise he loves the real me and come back to me and do the right thing. With regards to my family, I agree that they just want what's best for me and want me better. But hey put a ridiculous amount of pressure on me and don't know the first thing about ocd. My mum will just find random people on the Internet and tell me to get them to help. We've been conned before, but she doesn't learn. I've seen a hypnotherapist called Dominic Knight many times but it wasn't helping, but my Mum is adamant that I must be dping something wrong for it not to work!! I'm so sick of hearing that! I went to see a private therapist who was AMAZING because I felt someone finally understood me and my way of thinking. My therapist told me other people had seen Dominic Knight and complained and she advised me not to have any further contact with him and to basically drop him...but my mum won't stop banging on about him. She even follows him on Instagram. It's like she's obsessed! Her obsession made me so embarrassed to see him when I was having hypnotherapy sessions with him. She says she wants me to get better, but she doesn't do it the right way because she doesn't ever listen to me. Last year I told her I want to go into hospital to get better. This was a massive deal for me. I was begging her everyday to make enquiries because I was suicidal at that point. It took her 7 days to bother to call the hospital! I have realised recently that she and the rest of my family will never understand my ocd, and will only damage my recovery. This why I live alone. I am ridiculously lonely 24/7, but no one works with me on my recovery. All I have is my cats but I'm finding things tough with all this extra pressure. I told my ex I might have to remove my cats, but I'm terrified if I do he'll want nothing to do with me because he'll assume I'm not getting better. I just can't seem to win

Hi everyone, I feel like I'm posting alot at the moment, but I'm starting to open up finally and I guess I have a lot to say! I was just wondering if anyone had managed to have a one on one appointment with Paul McKenna to try and treat their ocd? I'm asking because I've seen another hypnotherapist called Dominic Knight in London, and it didn't do anything for me. I definitely felt relaxed, but there was no long term effects. How exactly would I go about trying to contact/get an appointment with Paul McKenna directly? Thanks!

Thanks for your replies. I'll have a good think about it, and decide if I can handle the cats as well as myself at the moment.

Thanks for your replies. I'd love to keep my cats, regardless of the pressure from my family and ex, but I'm not sure I can dedicate the time I want to my recovery and look after them at the same time. I'm not exaggerating because my Mum also decided to get a Ragdoll kitten and she too, is struggling to do much because her cat follows her everywhere and she said she doesn't get much space (and she doesn't have ocd). My cousins also had Ragdolls at one point and they said they couldn't cope with the amount of time and attention Ragdolls need. I don't know what to think! I know I can manage in terms of cleaning up after them in general, giving them attention etc, but like I mentioned in my previous post, I go into cleaning overdrive when faced with a poop massacre. For example, my cats had a big accident in the kitchen where one of them had diarrhea and I still don't believe my kitchen floor is properly cleaned. The floor is groovey grained wood, and I believe the dirt is still amongst the grooves in the wood. I have to wear slippers at all times. It's really bothering me and I don't know what to do about this

Thanks for your reply. I'm finding it hard balancing my time because I have so much pressure to get better from my family, and my ex boyfriend who doesn't want to have anything to do with me unless I get better. They all want a quick fix and I'm doing my best, but could do better if I could dedicate more time to myself. Also, I can cope with my cats 99% of the time. I clear and clean their cat litter, feed them, give them cuddles and attention etc, clean up after the odd accident on the stairs or somewhere. However, I have a really hard time if they've had some poop massacre in the kitchen (which is very big), and I know I'm gonna have to clean all the floor, the worktops as they jump on them etc. Then somehow clean their fur which is tough when they wriggle around and there's only one of me. I can have a day of ocd exposure/day to relax for once planned, then this sort of thing can happen and it's hell. I can deal with poop, but when I'm trying to spend time on myself, but constantly find myself cleaning up after them, I'm exhausted. I only have time to eat a meal once a day and I've lost a lot of weight, because the cats take up so much of my time and they follow me everywhere (that's what Ragdolls do). I just find I never get any time to myself. It's just constant ocd exposure and cleaning up after the cats and it's too much. I'm mentally and physically drained. I recently went to see my friend (ex boyfriend) who was threatening to cut me out of his life. It was a nightmare at first, but once we had settled things and I got my head around feeling contaminated (as mentioned in a previous post), I felt relieved to be away for a bit to have a break. The cats were being taken care of while I was away, but I dreaded coming back as I thought I was contaminated, but also because I knew I wouldn't have any time for myself again and I desperately need breaks to get through each day. I love my cats more than anything but I don't know if I can l do this for much longer

Hi everyone, This is a very upsetting and stressful situation I find myself in. My ocd consists of contamination fears and some intrusive thoughts. For many years I never thought I'd be able to have cats/animals again, because of my fear of faeces/urine, and general dislike for vomit etc. I've worked really hard on my fears, to the extent that I'm no longer as afraid of them as before. I even decided to get 2 kittens! It's been great, and I can definitely handle looking after them now, and they bring me a lot of joy and happiness. I also believe it's been good for me to have them because they expose me to my fears on a daily basis. However....I am finding it extremely difficult to split my time between looking after my cats, and working on my recovery as much as I would like/know I can. So I've found I can deal with them from my ocd perspective, but feel like I never have enough hours in the day to dedicate to myself and what I need to do. I would like to do more exposure work, heading out on days out more etc. This has been very hard as I have Ragdoll cats, meaning they're not your normal cat. They're extremely demanding and being indoor cats, they require lots of attention. I feel like I can't give them as much attention as they need/deserve, and I'm not putting my recovery first like I should. I've felt completely torn the past few weeks wondering what to do. I love them dearly and it would break my heart to give them up, but unfortunately I must also think of myself to get better. What do you suggest I do? I'd appreciate the feedback as this is breaking my heart. Thanks!

Thank you both. Everyone helped me so much, it made a real difference to my mindset! There's this song I love called Silver Lining by First Aid Kit which sticks in my mind at times like these, it goes... 'I don't want to wait anymore I'm tired of looking for answers Take me some place where there's music and there's laughter I don't know if I'm scared of dying but I'm scared of living too fast, too slow Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no I've got to go There’s no starting over, no new beginnings, time races on And you've just gotta keep on keeping on Gotta keep on going, looking straight out on the road Can't worry 'bout what's behind you or what's coming for you further up the road I try not to hold on to what is gone, I try to do right what is wrong I try to keep on keeping on Yeah I just keep on keeping on I hear a voice calling Calling out for me These shackles I've made in an attempt to be free Be it for reason, be it for love I won't take the easy road I've woken up in a hotel room, my worries as big as the moon Having no idea who or what or where I am Something good comes with the bad A song's never just sad There's hope, there's a silver lining Show me my silver lining Show me my silver lining I hear a voice calling Calling out for me These shackles I've made in an attempt to be free Be it for reason, be it for love I won't take the easy road I won't take the easy road The easy road, the easy road I won't take the easy road The easy road, the easy road Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on Show me my silver lining, I try to keep on keeping on' I find it very appropriate when tackling my ocd and fighting to be free