Draven1

Thank you very much Taurean I do have these but I don't know how intense I would describe them. Thanks again for your reply.

Hi Taurean Sorry for the very delayed reply I have been in the process of moving house and the stress of that kind of overtook OCD for a while which was a much welcomed break. Unfortunately it has come back, again relationship ruminations about whether I like someone else and the guilt I feel attached to that. I know I would never cheat on my partner I love him and want to be with him. Anyway, when you have time please could you explain what you mean by looping thoughts as I would like to understand this more. Thank you Draven1

Hi Vickii I don't know if you remember replying to some of my posts before...I am going through a very similar experience at the moment wondering if I like a work colleague more than a friend and it's the guilt that I feel this and think this I can feel so anxious around my partner. This then leads to me feeling like I don't know who I am or what I want in life because I don't know whether my thoughts and feelings are true am I living a lie? Or are they OCD. I am pretty sure they're OCD as i'm really happy in my relationship and I have felt like this about so many work friends in the past and with my partners friends. I am trying an online CBT course at the moment but a lot of it isn't relevant to me as I feel I only have Pure O and a lot of the course modules refer to cleaning OCD etc. I'm finding it very hard to adapt the course material to how I feel. Like you said, you don't know whether you are imagining yourself being with this other person to check and this is a compulsion because it just happens in your head. I feel the same in this aspect so many questions and thoughts and then I feel sick and quite panicky and even when I KNOW it's OCD the relief of that doesn't last long then my mind is questioning everything again and I know how to stop it but it doesn't work it feels too consuming. You're not alone Vickii, I don't know it that helps at all or offers you the slightest bit of relief but you're not alone. We will continue to fight this we can't let OCD win and take over our lives we have to be in control of it not the other way around. I hope with time and practice and with your CBT therapy you can minimise the distress this causes you. Take care Draven1

Taurean, thanks again for taking the time to post. Your guidance was helpful, I understand a lot about mindfulness and being in the here and now, taking time for myself and remaining positive but when im stuck in my obsessions I forget these things. I need to be kinder to myself as guilt plats a big part in becoming depressed over the thoughts I have. Draven1

In response to your and Avo's discussion Vickii, I have countless times, become obsessed with whether I want to be with someone other than my partner. Every time I meet a new guy whether this is through work, or one of my partners friends, I can obsess to the point where I feel ill over whether I want to be or should be with them instead. Once the phase has passed and I feel I can rationalise again, I can see that person again and have no obsessive thoughts or attraction to them whatsoever. The most difficult thing is that at the time where I am stuck in the obsession it feels so real. The more experience I have had of this the easier I am finding it to accept my thoughts of someone else as OCD but it takes a lot of practice and I can still have setbacks. I don't know if this post will help but I want you to know you are not alone and you can fight this. Draven1

Hello to all of you reading and to those who have replied to the thread. All of your comments have been very helpful, it helps for one knowing I am not alone in what I am experiencing although I wish no one would have to go though this. As Vickii and Avo were discussing, trying to work out whether my thoughts were real or OCD because another subject of rumination on top of what I'm already ruminating over...its truly exhausting. Luckily, I am having a better few days after telling my sister how I was feeling. Although I know reassurance seeking can be a form of checking, sometimes it really helps to know that what I am feeling or thinking is normal to some extent but because of OCD I am reacting to it in a more catastrophising thinking pattern whereas someone without OCD may just have a distressing thought, leave it there and then think nothing more of it. My online CBT is becoming slightly more helpful in helping me identify my thinking patterns and it has helped me realise that I need to write things down in my journal more. Writing things down always helps me but I always end up doing it when things become far too overwhelming and I am panicking whereas if I can make this more of a habit I can recognise my thinking styles sooner as part of OCD rather than me. Although saying this, I always have the thought 'but what if it's not OCD this time what if it's real'. I have taken Insideout and Taureans advice and bought the break free from OCD book which I will start once I have moved house and settled down. Thank you all again for your time in reading my posts I appreciate it more than I can say. All take care and keep fighting, Draven1

Thank you for your post seekingERPnorthwest I did not realise that you could be separately diagnosed with the two so that is helpful. I just think having a diagnosis may help back up my coping mechanisms of 'knowing that it's OCD' rather than it might or might not be and that if it isn't I'm just a bad person or so conflicted all the time with a lot of things that it must be something else. I just feel it's so much more than generalised anxiety.

Hi Avo, Thank you very much for your reply, I do remember you from previous posts and discussions, thanks again for your support. It's very sad to hear you are still struggling with the situation you're in but happy to hear you are having more positive times and it sounds as if therapy is working well for you. I am trying to stop asking and answering the question of whether I still love him or not because as you say it's not getting me anywhere. I tell myself things always work out the way they are supposed to and I firmly believe in that so it's something real to hold on to. I think what is distressing me the most is that because my brain is so over analytical and my ocd phases seem more and more frequent and intense, I don't really know what are my true, real thoughts and feelings anymore and what is OCD. I've had poor appetite today and been crying on and off but have had good times in the day on my own, with others at work and with my partner so all in all not an awful day. I'm scared that if these thoughts are real that I'm leading him on and should break up with him because it's so unfair on him and it they are OCD and not real, then I may be damaging the relationship with how I am at the minute. He is very understanding and patient, I'm finding it almost impossible to fully explain how I'm feeling at the moment but I know he knows I'm not ok and not feeling well. I don't feel I'm at the point where I need to make a decision on the relationship because I know I'm not myself and I can't make decisions based on my thinking when I'm not ok. I'm scared that the reason I'm not ok though is because of the idea that the thoughts may be a realisation that I don't want to be with him anymore? I have never had CBT, the service I am under offers online courses as a first point of call and then if I feel I need further support they can refer me for CBT. apologies again for the long post. Thank you all so much for your support and reading. All take care x

I do feel there is a misconception yes. I feel that 'Pure OCD' isn't very well understood at all. I know I don't just have depression and generalised anxiety, I know myself more than the psychiatrist does of course. To be completely honest, does it really matter if I get a diagnosis if I know I have OCD just by communicating with other sufferers? I am starting to think it doesn't matter what they say, especially if I don't want to go on anymore medication than what I am already on, what can a psychiatrist do for me anyway. I will be keeping in touch on here, I find it is probably THE most helpful thing when I am struggling, I just hope I can help others too by giving the best advice I can on other posts when I feel less drained so I can read more.

Thank you seekingERPnorthwest, if the online OCD course doesnt give me much help, I will be asking to see another psychiatrist.

Thank you to both of your for your replies. InsideOut- thank you for the recommendations, I will definately be looking into the relationshipocd website and the recommended book. As I am currently doing the OCD online course, I won't be doing any other courses on top of that at the minute, but if it doesn't help me much, I will look into the courses you have listed. I am sorry you are both having similar obsessions and thoughts, it is so difficult. This is the worst my relationship OCD has been and the worse it gets of course the more I worry about whether it is real and I don't want to be with him anymore. Vickii, I hope your assessment goes well, good luck.

Hi everyone, I have previously posted on here a few months ago, mainly discussing my obsessive and intrusive thoughts surrounding my relationship with my partner. I have obsessions over whether I find other people more attractive, whether I still find him sexually attractive, am more attracted to his friends, if I actually love him anymore at all. Recently, these obsessions have become far worse and I am really struggling most days over the past couple of weeks. I have been discharged from my psychiatrist, she diagnosed me as having mixed anxiety and depression disorder (which I knew anyway but I had a few helpful sessions with her as she listened to me and I tried some different medication for anxiety but I have come off it as it didn't work). We agreed that I don't need anymore medication, I don't want to take anymore medication as I have been on various anti-anxiety/anti-depressant drugs for nearly 10 years now and would eventually like to be able to live without them. I told my psychiatrist everything and she said I don't have OCD or Pure O, just OCD traits to my personality like most people do that manifest in different ways. I am feeling very lost at the minute, I can have good hours in a day but most of the time when I am with my partner I feel extremely irritable, emotional and sensitive. I am over-analysing and ruminating over everything he does and says, I think to try and work out whether I still want to be with him or not. We are due to move house 1st July which I know is causing normal amounts of stress for me but I know when I am stressed, my obsessive thoughts are worse and I just feel exhausted and drained and lost. I am currently doing an online course in OCD and have a telephone consultation once a week to review each module I do on it. I havent found it very helpful yet to be honest as most of it is regarding physical obsessions and compulsions around cleaning/germs etc so I am trying to relate the information it is giving me and adapt it to my mental obsessions etc. I apologise for the long post, I could type for hours explaining the thoughts I have...has anyone had similar issues and how have you dealt with them? I can't work out whether I am challenging the obsessions as I should be to find evidence for them or whether I am just ruminating which is bad for me, I can't tell the difference. Has anyone seen a psychiatrist or psychologist who has stated they don't have OCD when you feel you do? Reading other posts on here, I feel as if I could have written some of them myself some of the obsessions and thoughts I have had in the past and now are so similar it's frightening and I feel so sad that anyone has to deal with this. Thank you, Draven1

I'm so sorry to hear that you struggle with these themes also they seem so real at the time but the ruminations wear off after time. They come back when I see one of the men I ruminate about or when I see my boyfriend because I feel so guilty. Thanks again Draven1

Thank you so much to all of you for replying to my post- I got a bit emotional just now! It is amazing to have support from people who truly understand what it is like to have OCD. Luckily I have a lot of support from my partner and family they are wonderful and I feel so grateful for them every day but to communicate with others like yourselves who REALLY understand is such a relief. Thank you. To come think of it, I only have 1 more male friend of my own (when I first met him and for about a year of seeing him every week I could barely talk to him because of ruminations and now he's one of my best friends so I have come far in that respect), I am friends with some of my partners friends now and the ones I am closest to I hardly ever ruminate about and I know that when I do it is OCD. Perhaps I am ruminating so much about this new male friend I have made because we get on so well and have a lot in common so I panicked as he is also attractive BUT me and my boyfriend get on very well and have a lot in common and I find him incredibly attractive. We have been together 18 months it was all very intense at the beginning and I had a lot of anxiety about whether I wanted/could be in a relationship after being hurt in my last long term relationship. But I went for it and so happy I did because we are great together and have a very honest and close relationship. I don't want to end up with compulsions of not seeing the objects of my ruminations but I think I probably do need to see my friends more. I know even when I can't feel the love for my partner when I am feeling depressed or very anxious that I must do because like you said, I wouldn't be obsessing and distressed about it to this extent if I didn't care. Actions are what are important and I know I would never cheat on my boyfriend. I have a lot of ruminations about this topic also which can be very difficult because I know I don't want to! I have a call on Friday regarding what therapy will be right for me I think cbt is the way to go I have never tried it before either so want to give it a shot. Thank u all again for your replies it means so much. Draven1

Thanks for your replies Unsurechap and Wonderer. That's exactly it, its when something feels like a threat to the relationship you're in or to someone else you care for that it becomes worse. I feel guilt plays the biggest part in making me feel depressed when I get these thoughts and ruminate over them. I have discussed about the possibility of me being gay with my partner before and he told me he read something that a lot of people are bisexual in some way just in different places of the spectrum. I also get turned on by lesbian things it took a while for me to accept this but now I do. If I see two women making out or having sex it turns me on because I find the female body beautiful and I enjoy seeing people being pleasured. I have also felt this way watching heterosexual and gay men scenes so know I must be quitea sexual person and maybe that's all there is to it. If I am bisexual I know I love my partner and want to be with him anyway so it isn't a threat like my ocd perceives it to be. Like you said we need to get on with our daily lives and draw support from each other because the way we distort our thinking is ocd not us. I am having cbt in the next few months just such a big waiting list. I am really happy therapy is going well for you. Draven1