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  1. No I don't, its kinda a relief to be honest but it feels weird after months of anxiety and stress to suddenly be kinda calm and rational about it. My OCD makes me worried that its just the meds doing this only and not the CBT or ERP even though I know rationally I wouldn't be in this calmer state without the latter. Just worried about crashing badly in the near future, that I'll get to overwhelmed by something existing or new.
  2. So I've been seeing a CBT specialist and doing self ERP for over the last month. I've been finding after months of fearing my POCD I've been able to spend time with my nephews and niece and friends with children without reacting or flinching too badly and all in the last couple of weeks. My last call to the crisis line was over two week ago and now its like I'm almost kinda suspicious that things are going almost too well, that I seem to be emerging from this earlier than expected. I'm still on my meds and sleeping well but I'm worried now that my mind is playing tricks on me. I still get very edgy at times and have thoughts but their not as bad and I'm not ruminating/worrying about situations or as fearful nearly as much as I was. Is this possible or am I being too paranoid and should just let this be? I'm just not sure.
  3. Some good news for once, I think I'm finally starting to get a hang on my OCD. The sexual intrusive thoughts have been getting less and I went to a full on family event (my sisters birthday) with all the kids there and had little to no reaction for the first time in months. I was afraid I might have to leave but I stuck in there and was fine if anxious at times. I won't be holding my little niece anytime soon but I was able to interact with the two older boys and feel "normal" for the first time in ages. Two months ago I wouldn't have been able to do this. The suicidal thoughts have also lessened or disappeared at times. I've been taking my medication regularly, been taking all my lessons to heart and using evidence in my past to disprove my OCD thoughts. I've also joined a mood-disorders peer group which meets weekly (good group of people). Mind you its day to day as I had a reaction Friday and my mind wouldn't let it drop for a good 24 hours but I fought it off for the most part. I worry though that because my mom's cancer has returned with a vengeance and she is back on chemo (with no idea if she has months or years left), I might have a bad relapse/breakdown etc. Has anyone else been through similar? I could really use some advice on how to deal with the extra stress or in general. Thanks for reading, cheers all.
  4. I believe originally it was prescribed for my intrusive/suicidal thoughts and anxiety but on a low dose, about 1.5mg per day. I'm also on Zoloft 100-150mg per day. Both started kicking in around the 4-6 week mark and has made things better (a lot less anxious, the thoughts are not as powerful). I'm not overthinking as much also but as I stated I'm also trying to deal it with through therapy. Also I am wondering about "tasks", like specific one's or just the usual stuff?
  5. So I've had 3-4 CBT therapy sessions so far and its weird, its like I get it but kinda don't. My guy uses a lot of analogies or stories to make his point. He said my fear of my OCD topic is a good thing and made me admit I'd never actually do what I'd fear etc. He suggested that I think of my intrusive thoughts as fantasies too which went a little over my head. I'm a smart guy but I have had a hard time trying to process some of it, like I should take notes from now on or worried he isn't saying anything new. Anyone else have similar experiences or advice? Also worried my risperidone is affecting my short term memory in relation but that's another story. Thanks in advance.
  6. Very good post Phil, you've written some very good advice.
  7. I understand that, its something I've been trying to work on. I know ruminating, future thinking, scanning, over analyzing and worrying are some of my biggest. Is talking about it also a form of compulsion? Like if I mention it to my folks or friend about it at almost every conversation? They've learned not to give reassurance but still. Its got to be. I'm hoping to figure this out next Wednesday when I see my CBT specialist again. Its hard to just let the brain flow and accept that my thoughts are just that, thoughts without engaging them somehow.
  8. This is exactly what's happening. I'll perk up and be positive and then WHAMMO! I feel like ending it all because it gets to much in my head. I had to call a crisis line this morning because I came damn close. I spent the afternoon with my folks calming down but the second I have free time to think, it creeps back in and terrorizes me. Could you or someone else explain what you mean by the confronting the "cause" exactly? For me the cause was a random intrusive thought back in January coupled with stress and high anxiety that got away from me. Just looking for some clarification. Thank you.
  9. Its Saturday now but not bad this morning, I went to bed early last night and read until 10pm or so but was unable to watch TV or a movie as my brain wouldn't stop plus the suicide thoughts made a comeback. I'm seeing a CBT specialist now but I'm worried about becoming skeptical. He told me last time to think of the thoughts as fantasy and it confused me a bit. Quite honestly every time I think of the future, I get scared and feel like I'm becoming increasingly agoraphobic. Like I have to force myself to go out. Just seems to vary from day to day. All of this because of one intrusive thought I had back in January that got out of control
  10. I end up having a couple of good days and now I'm feeling awful. My POCD has been bothering me about everything, from kids on the street, to future relationships or possible events, to worrying about loss of attraction, to damn near everything. I'm trying to calm down, just let things flow but I burst into tears at my folks place tonight because I've become so frustrated again. I thought my hope and confidence was returning, that the doubt was diminishing but its come back with a vengeance recently like it has in the past. Its like I'm stuck in a circle: I get positive, I feel okay, I have a good day, it continues, I then hit a wall, come down, the OCD thoughts come flooding back, I feel bad, I try and resist doing mental compulsions, they don't seem to work, I try and distract myself, I can't seem too, I brood, ruminate and so on and so forth. I'm trying to be patient, give what I learn time to sink in, realize their just thoughts but I just feel like screaming some times. I'm afraid of living with this for the rest of my life. Again I'm sorry for the rant, just a lot of frustration recently.
  11. I think I aim to get a level of reassurance from it, to remember what I was like around people before POCD hit especially my nephews and nieces. I find if I remember, it calms me down and gives me some hope/confidence to beat this. Is it pointless if it helps in that way or is it still a compulsion?
  12. If I refer back to before my OCD hit, to try and remember what I was like before this all started, is that a form of ruminating or self-reassurance? Is it good or bad I do this? I'm really curious. Thank you in advance.
  13. I appreciate the support. I do feel guilty a bit, my mom has been my main support for this whole POCD issue and now that her cancer has returned, I feel bad because my mental health shouldn't take priority over her failing health. I spent almost 8 hours in the hospital emergency yesterday and the entire time I felt like I was battling my thoughts (no triggers there either) while making sure my mom was getting the support she needed. The worst part is the uncertainty about my OCD and how long she has, it could be months or years depending. I'll admit I'm feeling overwhelmed and am almost tempted to take an increase in my drugs in order to deal with this. The suicidal thoughts have also unfortunately made a reappearance after a few days break. This is how the last few months have felt for me Like me and my family just can't catch a break.
  14. I've been trying to think of them as irrelevant and to dismiss them as such but there are times where it just seems like not matter how hard I try, I simply can't. I know who I am but my mind doesn't want to let me be that person and its driving me nuts. I hate that they always seem to be in the back of my mind the second I'm not distracted. I'm seriously worried I'm going to loose my will to live one of these days despite everything.
  15. I think I know what my compulsions are. When I was in the hospital yesterday, I just couldn't stop worrying about it, about possible loss of attraction to adults, to feeling uneasy around children, to reacting intrusive images, to ruminating. I've tried to stop these thoughts or not react to them but its just been so damn hard recently. I've also admittedly conjuring up the thoughts of how my future will also be absolutely miserable and that I can't ever be a normal, happy, functioning human being. I had a few good days but now I feel like I'm spiraling down again and now feel I'm back in an emotional hell. I'm just feeling so lost again.