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About Zazoo

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  1. If I refer back to before my OCD hit, to try and remember what I was like before this all started, is that a form of ruminating or self-reassurance? Is it good or bad I do this? I'm really curious. Thank you in advance.
  2. I appreciate the support. I do feel guilty a bit, my mom has been my main support for this whole POCD issue and now that her cancer has returned, I feel bad because my mental health shouldn't take priority over her failing health. I spent almost 8 hours in the hospital emergency yesterday and the entire time I felt like I was battling my thoughts (no triggers there either) while making sure my mom was getting the support she needed. The worst part is the uncertainty about my OCD and how long she has, it could be months or years depending. I'll admit I'm feeling overwhelmed and am almost tempted to take an increase in my drugs in order to deal with this. The suicidal thoughts have also unfortunately made a reappearance after a few days break. This is how the last few months have felt for me Like me and my family just can't catch a break.
  3. I've been trying to think of them as irrelevant and to dismiss them as such but there are times where it just seems like not matter how hard I try, I simply can't. I know who I am but my mind doesn't want to let me be that person and its driving me nuts. I hate that they always seem to be in the back of my mind the second I'm not distracted. I'm seriously worried I'm going to loose my will to live one of these days despite everything.
  4. I think I know what my compulsions are. When I was in the hospital yesterday, I just couldn't stop worrying about it, about possible loss of attraction to adults, to feeling uneasy around children, to reacting intrusive images, to ruminating. I've tried to stop these thoughts or not react to them but its just been so damn hard recently. I've also admittedly conjuring up the thoughts of how my future will also be absolutely miserable and that I can't ever be a normal, happy, functioning human being. I had a few good days but now I feel like I'm spiraling down again and now feel I'm back in an emotional hell. I'm just feeling so lost again.
  5. Yes, I usually am, more time to think I guess. I find some evenings I just can't be distracted at all, like my brain just won't shut up no matter what I try. My POCD thoughts have been none-stop since the morning, like their angry at competing for attention with my concern for my mom's health issue, almost feel like screaming right now. I start CBT on Tuesday and am really hoping it'll help. God I hate this, like just enough already please
  6. Anybody have any advice/hints how to tackle end of day anxiety/doubt attacks? I always find that by 4-6pm or so I start twitching and my mind tries to ruminate or cast doubt heavily, even on good days. I get so mentally exhausted I feel like going to bed right then and there in an effort to escape my brain. I've been sleeping fine but still feel like I could easily cry every night if I let myself. Thanks in advance.
  7. I take 150mg of Sertraline myself per day and find that depression is the main reason of my fatigue, if I sleep well enough I'm usually fine for most of the day.
  8. So just accepting the anxiety when it happens and trying not reacting to it no matter what it throws at you correct? So is it wrong to avoid the thought then when I feel it coming on, to try and avoid thinking it thus not possibly dealing with the anxiety?
  9. So this is my question, what is the proper procedure? I've been letting my thoughts happen but diverting my attention away from them at the same time, trying to think of something else and trying not giving them importance. I'm also anticipating them when I'm out or in a situation I know will cause them but is that a compulsion? Should I just let them happen and not react or am I okay to dismiss them/ignore them as quickly as I can? Its mentally painful as hell but I want to be sure.
  10. I'm trying to get a handle on my OCD and have a good few "days" of not being able to deal with it but this has been the hardest time of my life in the last few years. I have been trying to stay relatively positive and think of the good things I have (family, friends) or want (like a bulldog puppy). This has been a mental breakdown for me, its taken me almost three months to the point where I feel I may be recovering from the darkness of this, despite being suicidal last Friday. I have yet to start my CBT and won't until early May but am hopeful. Anyone else get really tired and worn down by all this?
  11. With my current form of OCD, I'm been making some significant steps (seeing a CBT specialist, avoid compulsions, self ERP etc) but I was wondering how I can confront my biggest fear of living with this possibly for the rest of my life (I'm 39 now). I know its future thinking but my bad POCD has flipped my life upside down in such a short period of time. I'm genuinely afraid of the time factor as my anxiety and depression has gotten so intense at times and almost overwhelming (re: self-harm, suicidal actions) and its all day to day, I never know how I'm going to feel. I've become almost paranoid about the future, possible events, reactions, feelings, relationships and so on. Please any advice on this would be great. Thanks in advance.
  12. Yes I am feeling overwhelmed by everything, especially the emotional ups and downs. There are days where I feel like I'm just going to have a complete mental breakdown. I've had bad anxiety and stress before but its always been manageable, this form of OCD is a new beast all in itself and I feel at times like I'm going to be eaten alive by it in the end. I admit I get emotional easily, always have. For me its the nagging doubt which I hate, its a bad trigger for me. I'm just trying to hang on.
  13. A combination of both actually, I've actually attempted a couple of times (survival instinct, logic) and intrusive because on bad days I have to fight them off; end up getting obsessed and looking on line for related stuff or "practicing" . I'm backing off now but its been more than a bit scary.
  14. Thank you for your kind reply. I was having a bad weekend and luckily I do have people I can talk to about my issue. I find my medication (Zoloft, risperidone) is a mixed reaction, some days I feel fine and other days I have the suicidal thoughts pretty badly, it just depends. I think your right though, it is generally when I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts or things in general. I try not to ruminate and live in the present but find its hard to put it into practice at times. I'll also take your suggestion to heart about doing something which makes me happy, thank you again.
  15. Has anyone else had severe suicidal thoughts along with OCD/POCD? My family is concerned to the point where I'm almost on a watch because despite everything I've read and try and believe about my OCD, its just gotten so overwhelming recently. Can an anxiety spike cause this? I feel like I'm one really bad day away from doing something permanently stupid and have been compulsively looking up the topic and even tested a few times. Can medication also cause this? Just feeling so hopeless.