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About Zazoo

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  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    Intrusive thoughts/POCD/Checking

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  1. I've been finding my intrusive thoughts and images are fading a bit now, not as frequent and not as powerful. I've been practicing mindfulness and just letting the thoughts be, ignoring sensations etc but I'm still being hit hard by the "branches" its spouted especially anxiety, depression, mind-reading and future-thinking. What might be the next major step I need to take in this forums opinion? I've been doing CBT and am on meds and their helping but mentally I'm still very unsure about how I should be progressing. Thank you in advance.
  2. I was having a conversation with a trusted friend about my POCD and said that its probably the worst one that someone could have. She agreed that its probably the most socially unacceptable one someone could have. I thought about it and realized that this has been one of my main fears, that because the topic is so reviled that if it ever got out that I suffer from this particular brand that it might be misconstrued and I would be socially isolated, hated or investigated. My family members know but its one of the things keeping me from work, the fear that it might get out or that someone might pick up on it accidentally. Any thoughts about this or anyone else with similar fears?
  3. I've been unable to work for over five months now because of my (P) OCD. Every time I feel like I can go back, my anxiety spikes badly and I slide back into a depression of sorts. I know I have to go back sooner than later but its proving hard to convince myself otherwise despite therapy. I think its something we all have to do eventually and part of moving on with our lives despite our OCD issues.
  4. When I doing pretty much the same thing, it would take me forever to get out of the house. Don't take pictures, I tried it and it just fed the OCD more. Medication helped me but also forcefully and gradually reducing how many times I checked things and even leaving certain objects out when I did. I also discovered that stress and anxiety about other things (especially work) were aiding the checking compulsions.
  5. That whatever your worrying about isn't true or will happen. When my condition first came up a few months ago, it felt so real and so true that I believed wholeheartedly that I was going to do/become what I feared the most. I now know its just OCD lying to me but when its been yelling at your for however long, its hard to disbelieve/ignore. Relapses are going to happen and with time and help you'll be able to deal with them better and better but a little faith in yourself is also necessary to keep moving forward. Its hard but its possible.
  6. Ha! Its very similar but there's is Coffee and TV.
  7. So a small victory for me today, I went to my nephews rugby practice with lots of kids around and managed to make it through with minimal OCD issues and rumination (I didn't go last week because I was too nervous too and it would have just been me). Now I went with my mom and I find I've been relying on her for a decent amount of support but not necessarily reassurance over the past few months. I do visit my folks almost everyday either for coffee or to help out as the family home is also a safe spot for me to go and where I can relax. Is this a good or bad thing in terms of recovery? Is it just a more subtle version of assurance seeking? in advance.
  8. I'm not sure what is happening, in my few short months of my OCD theme revolving around children I'm having one of my worst relapses yet. I'm incredibly depressed, anxious, full of bleak and dark thoughts, unable to believe in myself and suicidal to my core (or at least it feels like it). I just can't seem to believe/implement what I've learned from CBT or mindfulness. Is it possible to purposely backlash against lessons learned when your in a mood like this? I don't know what to do, I can barely cry because of my meds and feel worthless. Its taking a lot to avoid doing something stupid. I know I tend to repeat myself in my posts but this one has been scary bad and a friend had to talk me down today. Its like I want people to agree with my feelings of being a horrible human being because of my thoughts so I have reason not to continue on or be a burden anymore.
  9. I want to thank you guys for the kind words and encouragement in this thread. I've been having a bit of a relapse with my child themed OCD recently and have to attend a couple of family events in the next few days which which can be either okay or nerve-wracking depending on my mood. I hate this but at the same time I'm realizing if I'm to continue on I have to live and deal with it no matter what it throws at me though it can incredibly tough at times. Your all brave folks in my books.
  10. So I've been having a bad relapse of my (P)OCD recently and its really bugging me. I've been acting on compulsions to look up stuff and worrying about things I was okay with a couple of weeks back. Its like once I completed my initial weekly round of CBT therapy, the lessons have disappeared or I'm finding it really hard to apply them. I've been fighting my reoccurent intrusive thoughts plus my suicidal ideation has made a strong comeback as I can't feel l can live like this the rest of my life. I have my nephews birthday on Wednesday and I don't know if I can mentally make it or not. I'm trying to avoid ruminating or overthinking but its just proving to be so hard with my up and down mood swings. I hate this, I feel like such a bad person.
  11. I thought they'd never go away myself when I first started getting them a few months ago but as PB says they will if you just stop responding to them. It takes time, it takes some practice but it also takes some self-belief. Trust me my current horrible OCD issue was started by one and its been a struggle but it is something you can unlearn and deal with successfully.
  12. Those are some good words of advice. I've finished my initial round of CBT therapy now and its helped a lot plus my intrusive thoughts have gotten less intense now. I find though I'm ruminating about the future badly even though I'm trying to live in the present as much as possible and that new possible fears/doubts are popping up because of it. I'm finding it a struggle right now, like I'm not living, just existing, trying to keep going and ignore the bad POCD and suicidal thoughts in my head that vary day by day. I know I'm doing better but sometimes on days like today, I find it hard to believe so and just want to hide/die. Any advice regarding this?
  13. No I don't, its kinda a relief to be honest but it feels weird after months of anxiety and stress to suddenly be kinda calm and rational about it. My OCD makes me worried that its just the meds doing this only and not the CBT or ERP even though I know rationally I wouldn't be in this calmer state without the latter. Just worried about crashing badly in the near future, that I'll get to overwhelmed by something existing or new.
  14. So I've been seeing a CBT specialist and doing self ERP for over the last month. I've been finding after months of fearing my POCD I've been able to spend time with my nephews and niece and friends with children without reacting or flinching too badly and all in the last couple of weeks. My last call to the crisis line was over two week ago and now its like I'm almost kinda suspicious that things are going almost too well, that I seem to be emerging from this earlier than expected. I'm still on my meds and sleeping well but I'm worried now that my mind is playing tricks on me. I still get very edgy at times and have thoughts but their not as bad and I'm not ruminating/worrying about situations or as fearful nearly as much as I was. Is this possible or am I being too paranoid and should just let this be? I'm just not sure.
  15. Some good news for once, I think I'm finally starting to get a hang on my OCD. The sexual intrusive thoughts have been getting less and I went to a full on family event (my sisters birthday) with all the kids there and had little to no reaction for the first time in months. I was afraid I might have to leave but I stuck in there and was fine if anxious at times. I won't be holding my little niece anytime soon but I was able to interact with the two older boys and feel "normal" for the first time in ages. Two months ago I wouldn't have been able to do this. The suicidal thoughts have also lessened or disappeared at times. I've been taking my medication regularly, been taking all my lessons to heart and using evidence in my past to disprove my OCD thoughts. I've also joined a mood-disorders peer group which meets weekly (good group of people). Mind you its day to day as I had a reaction Friday and my mind wouldn't let it drop for a good 24 hours but I fought it off for the most part. I worry though that because my mom's cancer has returned with a vengeance and she is back on chemo (with no idea if she has months or years left), I might have a bad relapse/breakdown etc. Has anyone else been through similar? I could really use some advice on how to deal with the extra stress or in general. Thanks for reading, cheers all.