Paul,
Two points for you to think about, if I may:
1. Everybody is good, what varies is perspective.
2. Although you may not repeat what you did in the past, those past actions were not bad/wrong/etc.
It would be easy for me to suggest that you concentrate on the present - what is past has gone and the future is yet to come - but I know that OCD will make no room for this right now. You are likely in a lot of physical and mental pain, and telling you that "it takes time" is further injury. I do not believe that anybody can write/speak the 'right' words in this moment, as you will likely weigh any up, analyse any, decipher meaning, etc... However, what I will say is that; although this is our first interaction, I will be thinking about you and will check back to see how you are...should you feel up to posting. No pressure at all.
Nancy Lee.