Pikachu

God, I actually have started silently crying. It would be so nice to feel like I had at least one family member on my side who was willing to be sensitive about this. I just thought that I could leave the room for a bit and be on my own for a while (most of us have gone to bed) but then I realised I have actions to complete to get into this room and can't do them in the dark, and if I turned a light on I'd disturb my brother. This is horrible lol.

I've been putting off making a thread about the struggles I've been experiencing, that started to some degree around Christmas last year, but have been relatively on-and-off in their severity. Basically, I feel the need to do certain tasks a certain way in order for bad things to not happen. Very typical OCD thinking. Of course, if I get something 'wrong' (a book not left on a table perpendicular-enough to the table edge, etc) I have to go back and do it again, and in a certain way, until I get it right ('right enough'). I would have thoughts that "I must do this / not do this / do this in x-way, or else [insert bad thing]". For a while, I counterbalanced this with what I'd termed 'counter-thoughts'; if I put on a scarf and I had an OCD thought telling me I needed to not wear that out or else [insert bad thing], I would counter it with a thought that said I actually needed to wear the scarf or else [insert bad thing]. This helped for a while, because it would kind of stump me and I'd be unsure about which action to take, which would lead to me realising in that case I should just choose whichever action I was going to do in the first place (so, I'd wear the scarf out). It kind of neutralised it. For a while this worked well, and eventually because I'd countered so many OCD thoughts I realised I was no longer having as many of them and could continue with daily tasks undisturbed. Then, of course, the counter-thoughts themselves became simple compulsions. I now feel the need to, fairly often, unless I get distracted, assure myself that I had to do everything I'd done so far that day in the exact way in which I did, or else [insert bad thing]. But obviously it wouldn't be long before the relief would wear off and I'd feel the need to 'update' the 'counter-thought' to encompass all the actions and thoughts I'd had since I said the last one. I'm on a family holiday right now and some of the weird actions I'm carrying out are starting to be noticed by them. Sometimes just curiosity ("Why are you doing that?") but other times rudely, with hurtful glances and "What you're doing is really weird", etc. I don't want to suddenly bring up that I struggle with OCD because my mother in particular has been very dismissive or even hostile about this in the past, and I don't want a family holiday to turn into them feeling the need to cure or accommodate me. I would just prefer if they don't comment on me entering rooms only when standing on certain floor tiles, etc. I know this rant is besides the point but if it's not hurting anyone I wish they could just leave me to it and not have to aim hurtful remarks or looks my way as though I'm a freak. Of course, I need a way of getting this under control. Obviously the 'bad things' I worry about my actions or lack of action leading to vary, but there are some themes (don't want to discuss them) and I feel strongly about them, obviously, or this wouldn't be so difficult! I have a Masters course coming up next month and need to get myself under control, honestly. I just feel so scared; I'll hold off on going to the toilet because I want to avoid the stress of the having to repeat the actions to get in there, or things like that. I can't even sit down in the living room or dining table area normally. It's making ordinary things seem so scary in some cases, but mostly just difficult, and now I have the added anxiety of family judgement when I do these things too. Also, a random aside, but I'm writing this with my brother in the bed over from me and he just asked what I was doing. I kind of mumbled "just something" or something similar and he responded with probably fair but disparaging remarks about how I'm so antisocial sometimes, need to act like an adult, etc, and well now I kind of want to cry I'm just so stressed by it all (this isn't even a fair summary, I wrongly expressed annoyance at having to share what I was doing all the time with thoughts in mind that some things are private, but also that my mum had similarly got annoyed at me before for this very thing, and anyway he responded basically having none of that and saying things, iirc, about how I'm rude). No I don't want to explain I'm writing on a forum about my illness. Yes I should have probably just made something up. Ugh. It's becoming so much. Has anyone ever experienced something similar? Probably, I guess. I'm so stressed, even beyond what I'm sharing here as there are things that would make me even more anxious to mention. Grateful for any and all replies.

Well, yes. This is almost exactly what I said; they're all just variations of OCD. This is quite different from saying this kind of OCD is like GAD, however, though I'm sure many anxiety disorders have overlaps.

Don't deliberately think thoughts that will make you anxious, for starters! It's hard enough dealing with ones that arise without that extra effort. When intrusive thoughts do arise, don't fight them, but try and calmly move your attention towards something else and don't say any prayers etc. All of those behaviours to try and relieve the anxiety that you're feeling are compulsions and will only keep you stuck in an anxious cycle.

I'm not sure if the above is correct? 'Pure O' isn't a great term—they're all OCD, just slightly different variations—but many here have mental compulsions rather than or alongside physical compulsions. So things like mental mantras you repeat to yourself, counting, ruminating on the thoughts, etc. Trying to 'solve' an obsession is a compulsion.

Welcome to the forum @MF1! Contamination isn't my main theme though I occasionally worry about getting chemical substances on me, so I think I know what you mean when you say you worry you've transferred something somewhere else. There's nothing really to be dealt with in regards to transferring anything — you need to not engage with those worries and continue with your day. Most people aren't concerning themselves with whether or not every substance they come into contact with is transferring somewhere else. You only believe you must be attentive to this because of your OCD.

Hey @malina! Nice to see you again too. I'm glad things are going well with your parents. Good luck to you @ocdjonesy! I think worrying about relapsing is normal but if you already have the tools to improve you can fix this at any time. Your photography exhibition sounds really exciting! I'm also interested in it. What kinds of photographs do you take/techniques do you use? I agree @howard. So much of OCD is just learning how to let little things go that no one else bothers with—quite humbling, really, when you think about it in those terms. Looking at it from an outside perspective really makes me see how silly OCD is, but rather than making me despair this usually makes me very hopeful. I think exploring these issues through art would be very cool! Glad to hear everyone is having some wins. Here's to many more.

Happy birthday, Cora!

There are really two options here, and neither of them involve 'giving up'. You can either choose to believe an event your mind has created was actually real and torment yourself relentlessly, or you can choose to acknowledge the reality that you have a thinking disorder that is trying to trick you into believing a made-up event really happened. The latter would come with letting it go. It was 23 years ago. You have OCD. This isn't real and there's no point spending more time agonising over it. You are allowed to believe nothing happened and let it go. None of us here are alarmed or considering calling anyone up. We all firmly believe that you need to move on from this, and that starts with refusing to engage with any thought relating to it when it pops into your head. If you do this, you could be feeling much better in just a few hours, and within a few days this obsession could even mean nothing to you at all. Doesn't that sound like a much better alternative?

Very nice!!! Well done! It's keeping up with the little day-to-day things that can really get me, too. I have quite a few errands to run today but I'm feeling positive about it! Glad you are too.

If we could only ever offer advice to people complaining about obsessive thoughts and compulsive rituals if they had already been formally diagnosed then this forum would be almost useless for many people seeking help. There needs to be a balance here between people understanding we're not doctors and also our own ability through experience with this illness to be able to recognise it, or at least things like it, and offer advice where it could be beneficial.

Hello everyone. I thought I'd start a thread like others I've seen before where users can list some of their positive experiences battling OCD, for example resisting compulsions or not practicing avoidant behaviours. These can hopefully be encouraging for others and help mark our own progress towards recovery. I'll start: I love reading, but unfortunately my OCD attached itself to an upcoming scene in a book that I found very distressing. I didn't want to give in to the possibility that OCD could disrupt one of my favourite activities, so I read through the part that was giving me anxiety earlier tonight rather than setting the book aside. A small win, but I feel very happy to have not let it go any further, and more confident in my ability to do this next time I get similarly worried. Does anyone else have a positive experience to share? It doesn't have to be so recent — remembering past wins can remind us that we can return to a better place again, so everything's useful. Hope people are having a good weekend so far!

Come on, Cora. You didn't need to tell us what you were anxious about, we already know what you worry about. I really think forcing yourself to not say the specifics will show you that the actual content of whatever it is doesn't matter, isn't the important part. Have a nice trip with your friend.

Nice to see you again too, I'm sorry to see you struggling. I was fairly mentally unwell over Christmas but am mostly back in control of myself now, but it's a day-to-day battle. I wanted to say well done for not confessing whatever new thing/s were bothering you today. (-: After all, if whatever it was that you experienced today was similar enough to events you've already shared on here, there's basically no need to inform us of the details anyway. We know the kinds of things you're talking about without your needing to do that. It's exciting that you're going to see your friend! Sometimes I'm not up for seeing a friend either, but I go because I know it will be good for me ultimately and I usually end up enjoying it if I allow myself to. If not, then that's no big deal either. But try not to decide it's going to be a bad experience before the fact. If things happened behind your friend's back it's also not a huge deal. She doesn't know about it so it hasn't impacted her negatively at all, and she's clearly looking forward to seeing you so I'd focus on that. Do you have any fun plans?

Hello, Emi. I'm not certain I understand your question. To me it sounds as though you have struggled with OCD and also some sort of dissociation, which may well be depersonalisation or derealisation. Have you ever been formally diagnosed with a dissociative disorder? I'm not sure experiencing dissociation constitutes a particular type of OCD, though. And even if it did, all OCD works in the same way.