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Horsey

Bulletin Board User
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    Sufferer

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  1. Yes winter awful. Anxiety sky high, not enough daylight. I shoukd emigrate or something. It's the darkness, not the date.
  2. Worrying about the future. End of the world/war/civilisation failing. My kids/husband/parents/friends dying. People dropping litter. Plastic/fossil fuels. Exercising excessively/watching what I eat. Cleaning clothes, hoovering. The house has to smell nice. Reading the news/websites to try to disprove my concerns. Trying to improve myself. I'm never enough. Not a good enough mum/wife/employee/person.x I feel like ima failure. So I read more to make myself improve. Obviously that doesn't work. No idea what compulsions are or the obsessions are as everything blurs into one. I don't fully understand it all.
  3. Yes you need to be able to work together. My second therapist basically point blank said that to me on first meeting and was honest when I said I needed more help with OCD. Waiting for therapist number three now....
  4. ^^^^this. The obsessions are awful. I am just starting my journey. I'm still fairly blurred as to what is an issue and what is not. And OCD feels like a toxic friend that you can't live without it. I'm worried I'll miss it. That I won't be me anymore. I won't have my magical thinking. But i also hate it so much I just want to be rid of its ridiculousness. If I could flick a switch I would. But I can't.
  5. So true. I'm getting better at the whole 'it's OCD not me' but it's still hard. Ive managed to keep working so accept I'm lucky in that respect, but it's a huge impact on my social life and lots of other areas. In my darkest times I've seriously thought about ending it all.
  6. Incredible post St Mike! I often think 'I might miss the thoughts and the magical thinking and the chatter' mostly I just want to be rid of the noise but wow. Thank you.
  7. This is so interesting. Thank you! I notice so much my husband doesn't. And so much bothers me. I've only had an OCD diagnosis for a few weeks. But this is very true.
  8. @Ashley thanks for the offer. It won't let me message you? Says you can't receive messages? my issues with the forms was that I was getting better. I wasn't worry 24/7. But I was worrying daily still. But to them I was making no progress.
  9. Those forms are just awful and irrelevant. I kept telling my therapist that. Currently back in the pipeline for more therapy. Part of of me thinking of going privately. But I don't know how to find a good therapist.
  10. I completely get this!! I've just been away for two weeks (!) and it was ok. But the dread and anxiety beforehand were awful. We stayed in the UK as I can't face leaving the country currently. It's awful. And it's all to do with thoughts. I'm scared of the thoughts. I still don't know how to deal with them. I hope you have a lovely time.
  11. @St Mike yes using the mac one. Only for a few weeks. Plus my old therapist said visualisation. Clouds etc. I said the thoughts were too big for clouds (they are literally world ending stuff) too big to just watch float by. was looking at headspace. To be honest, OCD is very new to me. I thought it was PND. But it's OCD. And I'm all a bit confused by it all. My whole life has been consumed by it. But i just thought everyone secretly did what I did. I hide it well. Only it got really bad. Really really bad.
  12. I'm back in the system. About 4 weeks left. Unless I go private. But I'll try therapist 3 under the NHS. See if they are ok. The thing is, I understand fully the principles. I struggle with the execution as it all feels so intertwined that I don't know what the problem is. Well I kind of do, but it's just so messed up in my head. And there's so many issues to solve. The first therapist didn't think my anxiety was that bad as 'I didn't cry or show emotion' second therapist was ok, I felt, but had little experience with OCD and so put me back in the system. Though said I was 'so bound by perfectionism I was almost robotic.' Now I'm waiting for the third one. I'm high functioning, and apparently intelligent. So I guess in the eyes of the health service, I'm doing ok. Even if I have suicidal thoughts.
  13. The compulsion is also to read it excessively. And that's what confuses me. Which is worse? Avoidance or immersion? i also don't drive on motorways. For fear of causing a crash. But if I think of driving on one I panic. Fear of weight gain/being smelly/looking scruffy/house a mess/eating bad foods/my kids having too much sugar. The list goes on and on and on. And I research the lot.
  14. Yes I realise that now. My old therapist told me to research more to get it out my system. Before the OCD diagnosis.
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