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About Irregular86

  • Birthday August 24

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  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD
    Hiv/ Contamination OCD. Intrusive Thoughts.

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  1. She mentioned possibly entering situation where my anxiety would spike and then concentrating on not carrying out my compulsions. Such as at work (post office counter) not washing hands or using hand sanitiser after every customer. I think deep down i know i dont have it, i had 2 tests with negative outcomes and countless experts and organisations have told me i didnt even require testing as i had no risk. Its just trying to turn off the what ifs. Therapy is certainly helping and hopefully that continues.
  2. Very welcome. Hope you're feeling much better
  3. I struggle with this too. Its not you its the OCD and thinking about it rationally you know It will have just been card from the tag. Try and resist your compulsions and just let the thoughts come with out acknowledging them.
  4. Yes the 1st time i ever had a flare up was when i fell pregnant after a traumatic miscarriage which centred around listeriosis which then changed to hiv fears in latter stage of pregnancy. When my son was born my ocd became more about unintentionally harming him or losing control. I had a round of telephone based talking therapy then some face to face low intensity cbt. It went away. Then i split with my then partner and got with my current partner and the hiv thing popped up again. We were both tested and a negative result was enough to turn it off then. Really struggling to turn it off this time. Having a round of high intensity cbt therapy at the minute and erp has been mentioned as part of that. Just gonna take time and patience to rid myself of it this time i guess. Thank you for all your advice though, its comforting to know you can talk to someone and voice your problems without being told to snap out of it or just stop thinking about it!
  5. Thanks for your advice everyone. I have read a couple of books to try and understand things a bit better. Hopefully with time and therapy this fades away like it has the twice previously. Seriously cant relapse again
  6. I go from realising its ocd and not me and even thinking you know what I'm standing up to this, i will eat this bag of crisps with my bare hands or i will kiss my partner to then yeah but what if you do and you contract it and pass it on and then it starts all over again. Im exhausted. Im torn between wanting a full relationship with my partner and doing something thats gonna make me freak out and ruin our family holiday in 10 days time. Im about done with it now!
  7. My OCD centres around contracting HIV and passing it on to my partner and son. We fell out in june and i talked to a male friend he was my shoulder to cry on and we ended up kissing with tongues on 2 seperate occasions over a 2wk period. Regretted it as id had a few drinks and was still in love with my partner. Anyway a few days later me and my partner decided we wanted to sort things out and give it a go. Everything was going well then a couple weeks later we had just had sex and my mind pops up with what if you have hiv from that kiss last month. It felt like my world was caving in. Friend assures me hes got nothing. My doc prescribed 50mg sertraline again as i have struggled with ocd before and i have started high intensity therapy. My doctor told me no risk but test if it would set my mind at rest. So I was tested with a private rapid test using finger ***** which was negative at 27days from last kiss probably 40 since 1st. I then had a full blood test for hiv in gum clinic 3 days later. Also negative. I have contacted helplines who state you cant get it that way so why cant i let it go. Im terrified my results arent conclusive as it was so early even though private test is accurate from 26days and nurse said nhs one is 28 days. And obviously everyone in the know says it isnt possible. I cant sleep with my boyfriend again just incase even though this is crazy as if i had it i would already have passed it on as we slept together when we first made up. Im washing hands again constantly, cant eat using bare hands, washing between customers at work or using alcohol gel and im being much more careful around my young son incase he gets something from me too. My therapist seem to think its guilt and a heightened feeling of responsibility possibly stemming from a miscarriage a few years ago but i cant confess and unburden myself as my partner will leave me without a doubt and i dont want to hurt him. The therapy helps for a day or 2 after every session then the thoughts start to creep back in. I know its ridiculous. Im exhausted from contacting helplines writing in forums and trying to find answers via google! Can anyone help?
  8. I know you are right, the rational side of me knows you are right. Ive never had sex with anyone else, ive never injected drugs and i cant get it from the kiss i mentioned above so i havent had any risk since my last test. However my mind is just constantly coming up with it miraculously showing up on my test. The guilt of putting my partner and son at risk and the shame of everyone thinking i have slept with someone when i havent. I booked a rapid test last night for peace of mind. They cancelled this morning as they're fully booked and now im a wreck. Dont wanna push the issue incase it jinxes me but at the same time i need to know now! I need help!
  9. Hello I suffer with a major phobia of Hiv infection. I have had this problem on and off since i was pregnant 3yrs ago. Obviously i was tested when i was pregnant and was fine. I split with my sons dad last year and got with my current partner. We had sex for the first time and this fear came crashing back. We both went to be tested and of course we were okay. The fear went instantly and i thought that was the end of it. Last month me and my current partner were going through a bad patch splitting up and getting back together every few days. I ended up confiding in a guy i know of my relationship problems etc. We met up and he would just listen while i vented my frustrations. Anyway we kissed once almost 4wks ago and twice almost 6wks ago. It was a mistake we know that. I have since sorted out my relationship with my partner and life is good or it was until a week ago. Lying in bed at night drifting off to sleep my mind pops up with you kissed someone else and you caught hiv. Straight into the tht website, no not possible, no cases etc. Brain then comes up with what if you are the first! Panic ensues. I went to see my gp who assures me i have nothing to worry about as does the tht online chat, aids helpline, sexual advisor at gum clinic. She didnt even think i should have a test but ive begged her for peace of mind. Anyway just as i was feeling that the test in 5days time will put this to bed once and for all and of course i havent contracted anything my mind has now come up with what if you do have it and you dont know where you got it from since friend who kissed assures me he is fine. Everyone will hate me, i know i havent cheated in the sense of anything other than a kiss ( this crippling fear would never allow sexual contact of any description other than my partner who i know is safe) but surely if that comes back as i do have it then something has happened. No one will believe me that i havent. My sons father will take him away especially if i have contaminated him too. And i couldnt take that, i suffered a horrendous miscarriage before him so he is my absolute world. Please someone advise me or help me. Feel like im going out of my mind and seriously cant see a way of coping until i get tested on monday at 28 day mark then having to wait another week for results. I wish i could open up to my partner but he will leave me and will never believe me that it was just a kiss especially if test results arent negative.