Squirtsdad

As with above, giving up lets the negative parts of your live win. I am nearly 50 and seem to have failed in my mind, in pretty much everything I have done, but I am still trying. That is because when I actually look back at my life, I realise that although I have failed many times over the years, I have also succeeded at times. I pulled out of buying a house for £39,000 when being made redundant the day before my marriage in 1994. People told me to buy the place and rent it out until I had a new job. I panicked and pulled out. I would be just finishing a £35,000 mortgage right now with a house worth £295,000. Instead, we still live with my mum in the family home and it makes me feel a complete failure........... Then I realise that I have a lovely wife who has stuck with me for 23 years and a great son who seems to adore me. I must have done something right there. Although I can see how upsetting failing your literature course must be, it may be the start of something else. You could retake the course or go to evening classes, look at something different to study, there are choices to make and you should take them if you can. Sorry, I am not telling you what to do, I understand that is hard to deal with as people do it to me all the time. The only thing I am asking you to do is NOT GIVE UP

Hi Mikos. I have also suffered from OCD with magical thinking since my late teens along with severe depression and anxiety. It affects my life greatly and the only therapy open to me other than tablets, which I am on, is private costing £54 a session. I am looking at at least a three-month waiting list on our NHS. I am not really in a position to give much if any advice but wanted you to know that I understand what you are going through and am here. Have a go at the workbook. You may find that it helps you a little. I do find that when I am totally immersed in something my magical thinking sometimes gets a little less intrusive Have you found this?

I am no expert but this DOES NOT make you a threat to women Des. It is OCD playing with your mind. It is an illness which hopefully the CBT treatment will help. I have not been in this position, (I have my own issues) but wanted to show my support to someone who is obviously suffering. Hang in there

Counting regularly but only up to 100s. Funnily, it is the cracks etc. that I have started with. I am trying to not take notice of these and just walk to where I am going. I then realise that nothing bad is happening when I walk on cracks or on the edges of manholes etc. Another one is having to count to 6 on each new type of paving slab.Get to six before someone hoots, or someone talks. I have been trying to stop this too. Thanks for your help. I don't understand OCD yet but at least can see that there may be some relief in the future.

Number 1 is my big fear. 3 is good. 4 not so good and so on. Thanks for the help and support. I hope my CBT comes soon

Thank you, both. Sorry, I thought I had ticked notifications so did not realise anybody had commented. I have bee put on a waiting list for CBT and will hopefully have an appointment in 10-12 weeks. I just feel so alone with this at times and sometimes it pushes me very close to deciding that life is not worth living anymore if I have to deal with this every day.

I am new to the forum as I have only just had it suggested that my deep depression and anxiety are tied in with my OCD tendencies. I am now on a waiting list for some CBT therapy. Can I just put this short piece I wrote this afternoon to get on paper what I am going through? I do not know if it definitely is OCD and what I can do about it. I would love any comments, advice or just to hear that other people understand this and I am not quite as crazy as I am beginning to think I am. Sorry, it is quite long. A busy day, but not a good one I wake up, lay there for a moment and decide it is time to get out of bed. Quick, need to move before my wife makes a sound. From the moment I throw my legs out the bed I have to be off the bed and touch the curtains two times before she talks, or the day will go wrong. Right. Managed that, quick touch all four wardrobe doors: don’t get the order wrong. I am half way across the room now, need to touch the second draw down, and then the back of the door. I manage this and now jump out of our bedroom as I need to get off the carpet and into the hall. Right, next step, check on my son. From the moment I walk into his room I have to touch three different bits of furniture and him before he wakes and says good morning. He has a knack of waking up and waiting for me to come in so this panics me that he may speak. I quickly touch the door, chest and bed before stroking his shoulder. Yes, I have made it before he says “hello”. I tell him to snooze and I will go down to make breakfast. I now really do not want anybody to talk before I have touched the tray at the top of the stairs and got down to the landing. I make this and carry on down the stairs, making sure I touch the curtain, window ledge, cupboard and railing in order, now I have to get off the last three steps of the stairs and over to the alarm without seeing myself in the mirror. I turn off the alarm and open the door through to the kitchen making sure I tap the door three times first and don’t walk on the carpet strip. When walking into the kitchen I have to put down my glass at an exact spot and touch the microwave three times before looking up at the clock. I don’t know what will happen if I don’t: it does not bear thinking about! Switch the kettle on and get milk out the fridge. I have to have the top of the milk bottle off before the fridge door shuts. Pour the milk and put in the microwave for two minutes. Time is tight now as I have those two minutes to unlock the door to the outer kitchen, plug in the grill, make sure the back door is locked for the first time today and then hop back over the kitchen step to the cutlery drawer, to get out a spoon, before the microwave gets to zero and beeps. It just can’t beep. I have to be there to stop it exactly on one second or the day will go downhill rapidly. The above scenario takes about ten minutes and is the same every day. It has been like this for over twenty years, and this is just the start. My brain is worn out and it is not even seven in the morning! Everything I do throughout the day is governed by how quickly I can do things, in what order, before someone talks, or something happens. From walking the dogs, driving the car, sitting at the computer working. Just writing this piece, my fingers have had to be clicked the right amount of times, no word can be on its own on a line, tapping the side of the computer, lifting my feet off the ground, not breathing until a certain amount of words are typed, blinking three times and not one – it goes on and on with no rest until I go to bed. Not that then there is a break. I have to click each of my fingers, touch the wardrobe doors in reverse order, make sure I don’t touch the bed until I have touched the curtains, the list goes on. The last part of the day goes the same every night. From the moment I hear my wife flush the toilet until she turns out the hall light, I have to flick the nails on each hand three times. Then, once she is in bed, I have to have just my left eye open, then my right eye open, both eyes closed, and then both open before she says “night, I love you”. Jeez, I was I could love me as well, but I hate myself and my weird ways so much it hurts. I tell her I love her, and I do love her so much. Who else would put up with someone like me? I turn over, click my feet six times, and try to go to sleep hoping that tomorrow morning, I will wake up, and feel better.

I am new to the forum as I have only just had it suggested that my deep depression and anxiety are tied in with my OCD tendencies. I am now on a waiting list for some CBT therapy. Can I just put this short piece I wrote this afternoon to get on paper what I am going through? I do not know if it definitely is OCD and what I can do about it. I would love any comments, advice or just to hear that other people understand this and I am not quite as crazy as I am beginning to think I am. Sorry it is quite long. A busy day, but not a good one I wake up, lay there for a moment and decide it is time to get out of bed. Quick, need to move before my wife makes a sound. From the moment I throw my legs out the bed I have to be off the bed and touch the curtains two times before she talks, or the day will go wrong. Right. Managed that, quick touch all four wardrobe doors: don’t get the order wrong. I am half way across the room now, need to touch the second draw down, and then the back of the door. I manage this and now jump out of our bedroom as I need to get off the carpet and into the hall. Right, next step, check on my son. From the moment I walk into his room I have to touch three different bits of furniture and him before he wakes and says good morning. He has a knack of waking up and waiting for me to come in so this panics me that he may speak. I quickly touch the door, chest and bed before stroking his shoulder. Yes, I have made it before he says “hello”. I tell him to snooze and I will go down to make breakfast. I now really do not want anybody to talk before I have touched the tray at the top of the stairs and got down to the landing. I make this and carry on down the stairs, making sure I touch the curtain, window ledge, cupboard and railing in order, now I have to get off the last three steps of the stairs and over to the alarm without seeing myself in the mirror. I turn off the alarm and open the door through to the kitchen making sure I tap the door three times first and don’t walk on the carpet strip. When walking into the kitchen I have to put down my glass at an exact spot and touch the microwave three times before looking up at the clock. I don’t know what will happen if I don’t: it does not bear thinking about! Switch the kettle on and get milk out the fridge. I have to have the top of the milk bottle off before the fridge door shuts. Pour the milk and put in the microwave for two minutes. Time is tight now as I have those two minutes to unlock the door to the outer kitchen, plug in the grill, make sure the back door is locked for the first time today and then hop back over the kitchen step to the cutlery drawer, to get out a spoon, before the microwave gets to zero and beeps. It just can’t beep. I have to be there to stop it exactly on one second or the day will go downhill rapidly. The above scenario takes about ten minutes and is the same every day. It has been like this for over twenty years, and this is just the start. My brain is worn out and it is not even seven in the morning! Everything I do throughout the day is governed by how quickly I can do things, in what order, before someone talks, or something happens. From walking the dogs, driving the car, sitting at the computer working. Just writing this piece, my fingers have had to be clicked the right amount of times, no word can be on its own on a line, tapping the side of the computer, lifting my feet off the ground, not breathing until a certain amount of words are typed, blinking three times and not one – it goes on and on with no rest until I go to bed. Not that then there is a break. I have to click each of my fingers, touch the wardrobe doors in reverse order, make sure I don’t touch the bed until I have touched the curtains, the list goes on. The last part of the day goes the same every night. From the moment I hear my wife flush the toilet until she turns out the hall light, I have to flick the nails on each hand three times. Then, once she is in bed, I have to have just my left eye open, then my right eye open, both eyes closed, and then both open before she says “night, I love you”. Jeez, I was I could love me as well, but I hate myself and my weird ways so much it hurts. I tell her I love her, and I do love her so much. Who else would put up with someone like me? I turn over, click my feet six times, and try to go to sleep hoping that tomorrow morning, I will wake up, and feel better.

Hello Vickii I have times where I seem to be able to push my thoughts to the back of my mind. If I am really stimulated, like when my son is chatting away at 100mph, I seem to switch off from counting or worrying about doing things in the right order, or before something happens. Then it comes back with a bang! Hopefully, it means that you will do well with therapy and get some peace from these thoughts