lily17

Snowbear, I'm so sorry that came off as emotional blackmail, I was just desperate. I'll try to refrain myself from typing out those hurtful words. I haven't got an answer yet, I chatted with my therapist and she told me that where I'll be checking in, they will diagnose me anything I am undiagnosed right now (I'll be checking in a personality disorders unit) I don't know how to properly explain it in English, please excuse me, I've never spoken in these terms but basically I'll be having intensive therapy for at least six months at a hospital and it's basically my last resource. If it doesn't go out well, I don't know what will be of me.

Good evening Holly, I appreciate the link you attached and the phone number to the helpline, I actually called one last night (I'm from Spain so I called one from here) and just speaking out my thoughts to the woman who picked up, she was lovely and I felt better. Thanks for your kind words

It's always a patient when it comes to health. Even if you pay, the term 'patient' is the correct one. Just terms, at least where I live you never call someone a client when you're treating them for a disease, a mental disorder or just the regular check up at the dentist. It's not that deep I think.

Thing is when I made that joke, I wasnt sure if he was comfortable because he told me days before he wasnt comfortable in his own skin back then and I made it anyway because I wanted a laugh, not knowing if he was feeling better. Maybe it happened twice

I don't event know why I'm here, I think it's because it could be an OCD obsession but the truth is... it's linked to personality disorders. There are people here who know me, who know I've bien diagnosed with OCD since 2017 but possibly had the disorder since I was like 10 (currently 23). A few months back, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and the other day I read it could come along with other personality disorders. Now my fear is one of them being the antisocial personality disorder, I'm scared ******** I could be a psychopath. When I was 12, I would call my best friend a slut in front of the rest of my friends and mock her saying she hooked up with many boys, I used to maybe enjoy but certainly laugh at this matter. Then I realised she was distant and at first I didn't know why then maybe she told me or I realised by myself I don't know but I've felt guilty about this event many times during the years. My current best friend is bald and when I met him, he was confortable in his shoes, he was over the trauma that he had due to being bald at short age (he's 26)... well he manifested a few months ago he was starting to feel bad about it again and I was like well okay no more bald jokes now. Well, I don't recall how much time happened since I made a bald joke at him again and I did it regardless of him feeling possibily bad, like I wasn't sure if he was still feeling down about this matter but I still made a joke. When I confessed this, he had a meltdown and so did I. I thought I lost him and now I wanna drive him apart from me because I'm a scum who doesn't care for other people's feelings if their gonna get a laugh from others or themselves. So I'm really considering just ending everything unless I get an answer to why I do this. It's not often but I can't help myself from doing it, and I think it's very wrong to do such a thing, when I've experience bullying myself. If anyone has knowledge about why I could be doing this, if this means I'm a potential psychopath, please I beg you to respond

Hey sorry I didn't see your post last night. I am both in therapy and taking meds, I am also (presumably) on a waiting list to be admitted in a psychiatric hospital... I don't know how to feel about that right now. I get chills about that place because I read the Google reviews and the patients get WORSE due to the mistreatment from the medical team. Someone even unalived themselves... It's a lot to take in. Even former workers say it is true.

Hello, I'm so sorry I didn't see your post earlier, on my phone it only showed up Malina's one idk why... Right now I can't think of anything that's good... I'm sorry I'm feeling upset again

Thank you so much, Malina, for your encouraging and kind words! If I said I'm feeling better I would lie, but I definitely will. I agree with you, I have nothing to lose when avoiding compulsions. My therapist basically told me to try not to use too much paper in the bathroom, not smelling my underwear (sorry, tmi), not checking if they're wet... etc. I'm... avoiding them hardly but slowly(?) I will get there, I guess. Tomorrow I might get an appointment with her, so let's see how it goes

This post might be taken down but I just want to vent on a place where I'm anonymous. I don't want to deal with people around me trying to help me but failing miserably (sorry this might be unfair to them but I'm at my limit) I was just having a conversation with my grandma talking about childhood trauma and her telling me that 'I just see the negative things' just triggered me. I still don't know how I go by everyday with all this sh*t on my back, how I managed to lightly recover from OCD (at least my main obsessions) or that's what I thought until the other day I had to bump into a freaking zoophile on the internet, describing a situation with their cat that had happened exactly with my dog and I still feel miserable about it, even though I know deep down I didn't enjoy that situation like *sexually* but STILL......... oh my God, I really can't pick myself up. I'm having a massive breakdown and I just want to perish. I need to end this suffering. I can't cope with OCD in almost 2023. I know some of you have been dealing with this disorder your whole lives but I don't want that for me. I... am having suicidal thoughts again, and who knows I might just... My whole life... I just haven't done anything in my 23 years of existence. My dad had always called me a mess. And he is so right. And I hate him being right about a single thing. He did this to me, he's toring apart both sides of my families and I want him gone. How I wish he wasn't my dad, but that can't be denied, I look exactly like him, no DNA test properly done can say the opposite... but I really wish I had another dad. I wish I was born in another family, yeah that wouldn't be me but at this point, anyone who is not me is better. I am obese, I am ugly, I have the messiest haircut ever and I'm a failure at school. I barely have any friends, not even gonna talk about a partner. I want to isolate myself from everyone. Or just disappear completely. My existence is a mistake, I wish I had never been born. Sorry for possible grammar mistakes, I'm a Spaniard dumbass and my English is rusty (I used to be so good but now I think maybe I wasn't even that good.) I'm crying again. I hate everything about me. I've developed another OCD theme that's actually upseting me so much, my therapist has already told me what to do with it, but I can't resist the compulsions. I freak out every time I go to the bathroom and I have to wipe myself because apparently I've forgotten how to properly do it and boy, if I pull up my underwear and I feel any wetness... I just go insane (you already know what I mean) What is the purpose of this post... I honestly don't know. I am so sorry.

Well thank you so much for your insight, it has helped me a lot to label this as it is: OCD bulls*it. Let's see if I can get past this... I hope you have a nice day, you really deserve it since you helped a miscarried sheep who was aggressively sent to the fauces of OCD but someone (you) pulled her out in time. Alright, I'm gonna head out before I get more metaphoric thanks again! Sending my best wishes

I mean you're right that I don't have to apply what I read to me but exactly the same has happened to me in the past, I was petting my dog and I started to feel apparent sexual sensations in my groin, the difference between that individual and me is that afterwards I was in turmoil thinking what the hell happened and such, ruminating so hard and feeling guilty as hell, which I don't think this subject feels (guilt I mean, he says it was an accident but claims to have a sexual relationship with his cat so...)

Hey guys... I can't believe I'm making a post about this on almost 2023 but OCD never ever leaves you, unfortunately. I just woke up and I'm already feeling anxious as hell due to a horrendous tweet of an individual saying he was feeling "lonely" and his cat sat on his lap and they began to """make out""" such as he gave her kisses and petting her made them both aroused and... and this individual claims to have a sexual relationship with his god damn cat I can't believe this s*it. So, if you happen to know me (which I doubt because I'm not a regular anymore) I have struggled with sexual obsessions with my dog in the past, I also caressed him and had groinal responses (or actual arousal, who knows anymore!) I've done tests on him, there were times were I felt genuine things I guess because of OCD tricks(?) I don't know this just ruined my day of course everyone is bashing this individual and for a REASON but I can't help to think I'm the same as him. I just... spiraled so hard.

Hello everyone, it's been a while since I last posted, wow! I had been doing so well on my OCD but I'm slowly falling back into the pit again, sadly... New themes, new compulsions, more anxiety, old themes reappearing from time to time... Anyway, getting to the point, I've met a potential partner a few weeks ago, we haven't met in person yet but I'm already performing compulsions on him via online chat because I need to know certain things about him as soon as possible due to my high morality, I couldn't be with someone who has certain moral values... that are not acceptable. Yesterday, we chatted aaaaaall day long about a certain topic and it drove me almost insane, my judgment was so eclipsed by anxiety but fortunately, it ended up okay... but today, a new doubt has arised, I need to know what he thinks about *feminism* and I need to know it right now and I identify it as a compulsion so I need you guys' help because I don't want to go through what I went through yesterday. I'm ill (like, physically too) and I need some rest but this anxiety, these impulses to ask... Just please tell me how to refrain myself.

Hey there Hedgehog, thanks for your reply. The reason as you say doesn't have to exist, and it indeed doesn't. There is no reason at all why I want everything to be perfect now, it's completely irrational-OCD typical I guess. And yes, I've been going to therapy and I'm on meds for a long time which usually work very well to me but lately in therapy we haven't been discussing OCD things except the other day because I'm generally much better, except these episodes... Just texted my psychologist but since it's Sunday I don't know if she'll reply. Anyway, I feel much better letting things out now, so thanks to you too

This is most likely similar to the one I posted on November (sorry to those who I didn't reply, I come online from time to time now and I feel so overwhelmed to reply atm...) I'm suffering from so much anxiety when things are not tidy or clean and I'm the messiest person ever so this is, I believe, the peak of my OCD. It's never felt more ego-dystonic ever... Don't know if it's the right term but I've never been like obsessed with tidying up things or cleaning... I remember being so cynical with my mother and grandmother for cleaning so much (not in an obsessive way, just felt too much for me) and them telling me I would be like that one day but I didn't imagine it would be like this! I want to set my room on fire other than seeing it messy just one more time I can't stand it I want everything to be just perfect. I need help.