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Jayne S

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    Sufferer

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    Female
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    London

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  1. As for bieng selfish..I think it’s selfish of you to share your frustration on something so minor when you know...or should know that somone is feeling very vulnerable as it is. I have no intention of being in here and arguing or causing trouble it was an innocent mistake
  2. Well I’m very sorry if I have offended you in any way, I’m new to this site unsure how it works and desperate for answers.. also I haven’t seen any personal responses so maybe you can see something I can’t. I’m not computer literate like a lot of people I am just learning, as for posting in reply to people...I’m sorry if I’m mistaken but I thought this forum was about sharing stories and experiences. If you know anything about OCD then you will know that it makes you feel as if your problem is the worst in the world and that no one else could possibly feel like you do(or atleast that’s how I feel) So by me Copy and Pasting my story is purely to assure others that there are other people going through the same, if not worse hell and will hopefully offer some comfort.
  3. Hi, I’m a 40 year old female.I’ve just had what I call another ‘episode’ where I have jotted down how I felt at the time as I know it takes time to see somone and I wanted them to know exactly how this affects me in case I can’t explain it to them verbally. I know it may not make any sense but I’m figuring that if it is OCD that I have then you guys will understand the madness I have written. I’m just going to bite the bullet and type everything I jotted down.So here goes..Disabling, Body feels heavy, tension in my calves,need to wee/poo. Terror.Panic.Cold feeling all over. Knot in stomach. Instant apitite loss.Nervousness. Mind racing. Fear I’ll loose control and kill myself,throw something,shout or scream out loud,can’t get words out, confusion, can’t express myself,scared to talk,don’t trust what anyone says at the time, question every thought and feeling,analyse every thought and feeling, even when people say they feel the same I don’t believe them even if their symptoms match mine and they have said theirs first, I feel that what I’m feeling is worse than what their feeling and that my symptoms are worse and nobody could ever feel or think the way I do, even though I know I have every symptom of OCD I still question it, it’s evil, thoughts make me believe I’m a P, search for experiences where I have been exposed to children and they then confirm my fears, search for memories I can’t remember to see if there is anything I forgot that can confirm that I am a P. Main inciddent is when I was 17 I was baby sitting and I saw the little girls private parts and I purposefully looked, never touched but keep thinking did I enjoy that why did I look and that at that age I should know better, than to look, disgust, it’s the worst thing to think of yourself, what would people think of me if they knew, I’m a fraud, I’m living a lie, people don’t know the real me, I only pretend to be nice, I’m a bad person, I try to do good things every day to protect myself from doing anything that could trigger me and become my new guilt obsession or ‘topic’, tremendous guilt urge to confess, constantly seeking reassurance, saying the same thing over and over again thinking people just don’t understand, wishing i could hold it in my hand and show people,feel I have no right to judge anyone as I’m so bad, forgive people easily as I feel I have no right being angry because I’m a bad person myself, all logic and education I’ve learnt in sessions or by reading goes out the window can’t talk myself round atall,I don’t know myself,aware of every thought and feeling,people say just stop thinking about it but you can’t unthink a thought can you?, my thoughts will cause something to happen,desperation exhaustion,not living in the moment, thinking 10 things at once,same thoughts over and over again,envy people that can live in the moment with a clear head. There is probably so much more that pops into my head when I don’t have my note pad to jot it down. I’ve had different topics in the past, as far back as I can remember HIV, 13, Dying,ex partners. I’m even scared of having Female grandchildren in case I do something or feel this way and have to live this torture every day and not be able to enjoy them. I need to add I don’t find kids sexuallly attractive atall it’s,just an awful fear that this is what I am. I know they say you should allow your thoughts to flow and accept them but I find the thought of accepting that that’s what I may be just to minimise the impact of the thought too much to bear.
  4. Completely understand everythingthing you have written, you are not alone x
  5. Thankyou so much for your kind reply, I was so scared to post as I thought I’d get ripped to shreds and it would just tip me over. I have a million and one thoughts that go through my mind and all of them are guilt based on things I’ve done in the past. Everything you say is right and true but I just can’t tell myself that and accept it right now. On good days I can reason with myself but once it’s took hold and that cold fear and terror sets in there’s no stopping the thoughts,self doubt,guilt and panic. It’s awful. I’ve just started back on my Meds’ and I’m just praying they kick in soon. Thanks again for your reply and please feel free to message me anytime if you need xx
  6. The instant dread Is terrifying, I’m also suffering from guilt which my OCD is making impossible to deal with, you feel you can’t just forgive yourself cos your OCD tells you your a terrible person who doesn’t deserve forgiveness. What’s happened is the ODC has latched on to the guilt and is using it to torment you. The more you keep feeding it with the ruminations and compulsions it will stay as it’s work is bieng done. It could of latched on to anything in your life and you would still feel the same, it’s just awful when it latches on to something that’s socially and morally unacceptable that you may have done, but remember we have all done bad things and made mistakes it’s how we learn. I hope this makes sense as Im Currently feeling the same as you and although I know what it is, I’m not getting any relief atall and I’m constantly seeking reassurance. I’m petrified of this and that I’m going to be like it for life. I came on here for the first time tonight and have posted in the forum, I’ll copy my post here just to see if anything I’m going through might help you. Good luck x
  7. Hi, I’ve just had what I call another ‘episode’ where I have jotted down how I felt at the time as I know it takes time to see somone and I wanted them to know exactly how this affects me in case I can’t explain it to them verbally. I know it may not make any sense but I’m figuring that if it is OCD that I have then you guys will understand the madness I have written?. I’m just going to bite the bullet and type everything I jotted down.So here goes..Disabling, Body feels heavy, tension in my calves,need to wee/poo. Terror.Panic.Cold feeling all over. Knot in stomach. Instant apitite loss.Nervousness. Mind racing. Fear I’ll loose control and kill myself,throw something,shout or scream out loud,can’t get words out, confusion, can’t express myself,scared to talk,don’t trust what anyone says at the time, question every thought and feeling,analyse every thought and feeling, even when people say they feel the same I don’t believe them even if their symptoms match mine and they have said theirs first, I feel that what I’m feeling is worse than what their feeling and that my symptoms are worse and nobody could ever feel or think the way I do, even though I know I have every symptom of OCD I still question it, it’s evil, thoughts make me believe I’m a P, search for experiences where I have been exposed to children and they then confirm my fears, search for memories I can’t remember to see if there is anything I forgot that can confirm that I am a P. it’s the worst thing to think of yourself, what would people think of me if they knew, I’m a fraud, I’m living a lie, people don’t know the real me, I only pretend to be nice, I’m a bad person, I try to do good things every day to protect myself from doing anything that could trigger me and become my new guilt obsession or ‘topic’, tremendous guilt urge to confess, constantly seeking reassurance, saying the same thing over and over again thinking people just don’t understand, wishing you could hold it in my hand and show people,feel I have no right to judge anyone as I’m so bad, forgive people easily as I feel I have no right being angry because I’m a bad person myself, all logic and education I’ve learnt in sessions or by reading goes out the window can’t talk myself round atall,I don’t know myself,aware of every thought and feeling,people say just stop thinking about it but you can’t unthinking a thought can you?, my thoughts will cause something to happen,desperation exhaustion,not living in the moment, thinking 10 things at once,same thoughts over and over again,envy people that can live in the moment with a clear head. There is probably so much more that pops into my head when I don’t have my note pad to jot it down the main incident I’ve latched on to i I was baby sitting and I saw the little girls private parts and I looked, never touched but keep thinking did I enjoy that why did I look and that at that age I should know better, than to look, disgust, it’s the worst thing to think of yourself, what would people think of me if they knew, I’m a fraud, I’m living a lie, people don’t know the real me, I only pretend to be nice, I’m a bad person, I try to do good things every day to protect myself from doing anything that could trigger me and become my new guilt obsession or ‘topic’, tremendous guilt urge to confess, constantly seeking reassurance, saying the same thing over and over again thinking people just don’t understand, wishing i could hold it in my hand and show people,feel I have no right to judge anyone as I’m so bad, forgive people easily as I feel I have no right being angry because I’m a bad person myself, all logic and education I’ve learnt in sessions or by reading goes out the window can’t talk myself round atall,I don’t know myself,aware of every thought and feeling,people say just stop thinking about it but you can’t unthink a thought can you?, my thoughts will cause something to happen,desperation exhaustion,not living in the moment, thinking 10 things at once,same thoughts over and over again,envy people that can live in the moment with a clear head. There is probably so much more that pops into my head when I don’t have my note pad to jot it down. I’ve had different topics in the past, as far back as I can remember HIV, 13, Dying,ex partners. I’m even scared of having Female grandchildren in case I do something or feel this way and have to live this torture every day and not be able to enjoy them. I need to add I don’t find kids sexuallly attractive atall it’s,just an awful fear that this is what I am. I know they say you should allow your thoughts to flow and accept them but I find the thought of accepting that that’s what I may be just to minimise the impact of the thought too much to bear. I can’t read magazines watch the news or sometimes go shopping as I don’t want to see kids or hear or read stories of abuse, it’s taken over my life. I feel I don’t deserve anything good or nice in life.
  8. Hi, I’ve just had what I call another ‘episode’ where I have jotted down how I felt at the time as I know it takes time to see somone and I wanted them to know exactly how this affects me in case I can’t explain it to them verbally. I know it may not make any sense but I’m figuring that if it is OCD that I have then you guys will understand the madness I have written?. I’m just going to bite the bullet and type everything I jotted down.So here goes..Disabling, Body feels heavy, tension in my calves,need to wee/poo. Terror.Panic.Cold feeling all over. Knot in stomach. Instant apitite loss.Nervousness. Mind racing. Fear I’ll loose control and kill myself,throw something,shout or scream out loud,can’t get words out, confusion, can’t express myself,scared to talk,don’t trust what anyone says at the time, question every thought and feeling,analyse every thought and feeling, even when people say they feel the same I don’t believe them even if their symptoms match mine and they have said theirs first, I feel that what I’m feeling is worse than what their feeling and that my symptoms are worse and nobody could ever feel or think the way I do, even though I know I have every symptom of OCD I still question it, it’s evil, thoughts make me believe I’m a P, search for experiences where I have been exposed to children and they then confirm my fears, search for memories I can’t remember to see if there is anything I forgot that can confirm that I am a P. it’s the worst thing to think of yourself, what would people think of me if they knew, I’m a fraud, I’m living a lie, people don’t know the real me, I only pretend to be nice, I’m a bad person, I try to do good things every day to protect myself from doing anything that could trigger me and become my new guilt obsession or ‘topic’, tremendous guilt urge to confess, constantly seeking reassurance, saying the same thing over and over again thinking people just don’t understand, wishing you could hold it in my hand and show people,feel I have no right to judge anyone as I’m so bad, forgive people easily as I feel I have no right being angry because I’m a bad person myself, all logic and education I’ve learnt in sessions or by reading goes out the window can’t talk myself round atall,I don’t know myself,aware of every thought and feeling,people say just stop thinking about it but you can’t unthinking a thought can you?, my thoughts will cause something to happen,desperation exhaustion,not living in the moment, thinking 10 things at once,same thoughts over and over again,envy people that can live in the moment with a clear head. There is probably so much more that pops into my head when I don’t have my note pad to jot it down the main incident I’ve latched on to i I was baby sitting and I saw the little girls private parts and I looked, never touched but keep thinking did I enjoy that why did I look and that at that age I should know better, than to look, disgust, it’s the worst thing to think of yourself, what would people think of me if they knew, I’m a fraud, I’m living a lie, people don’t know the real me, I only pretend to be nice, I’m a bad person, I try to do good things every day to protect myself from doing anything that could trigger me and become my new guilt obsession or ‘topic’, tremendous guilt urge to confess, constantly seeking reassurance, saying the same thing over and over again thinking people just don’t understand, wishing i could hold it in my hand and show people,feel I have no right to judge anyone as I’m so bad, forgive people easily as I feel I have no right being angry because I’m a bad person myself, all logic and education I’ve learnt in sessions or by reading goes out the window can’t talk myself round atall,I don’t know myself,aware of every thought and feeling,people say just stop thinking about it but you can’t unthink a thought can you?, my thoughts will cause something to happen,desperation exhaustion,not living in the moment, thinking 10 things at once,same thoughts over and over again,envy people that can live in the moment with a clear head. There is probably so much more that pops into my head when I don’t have my note pad to jot it down. I’ve had different topics in the past, as far back as I can remember HIV, 13, Dying,ex partners. I’m even scared of having Female grandchildren in case I do something or feel this way and have to live this torture every day and not be able to enjoy them. I need to add I don’t find kids sexuallly attractive atall it’s,just an awful fear that this is what I am. I know they say you should allow your thoughts to flow and accept them but I find the thought of accepting that that’s what I may be just to minimise the impact of the thought too much to bear. I can’t read magazines watch the news or sometimes go shopping as I don’t want to see kids or hear or read stories of abuse, it’s taken over my life. I feel I don’t deserve anything good or nice in life.
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