Headwreck

Hello. Some might remember me from a few years ago. I still think of a few people here and am thankful for the patience and support most people gave so thank you again. I was obsessed for around 5 years about my partner cheating. It then turned to me and I obsessed for roughly the same amount of time about my own actions, namely that I had sex or kissed someone on a night out. As you can guess, I have done really stupid things over the years whilst in my relationship... I have flirted with people. One most recently being three or four years ago. It was flirty, nothing sexual and nothing inappropriate was said from what I remember, and no contact outside of work. We would talk about personal things, OCD, relationship issues etc. At the time I was extremely stressed, suffering with untreated depression and anxiety, plus had things going on at home so at the time it felt like escapism but even still there is no excuse for that I know. I also flirted with someone around 9 years ago on a night out (at this time I was obsessed and convinced my partner had cheated) and they added me on social media and we chatted briefly, again nothing sexual, nothing physical. I have been flirty with others too over the years. I know I am terrible. I have already had massive battles with myself, with the issues I posted here being the worst times in my life. I don't for one second doubt I made my partners life hell too. My partner said recently that someone he knows has gone down in his opinion because they had been flirting with someone when they are in a relationship. It immediately made me think of my own behaviour. I know I am a horrible person and have no right to feel upset but I have spent all day panicking. I want to confess to my partner about my past and my actions but I know I have already made his life hell for a number of years so maybe it would be best to just leave so he can be with someone nice. I can't help but think that my behaviour is not normal and that this is not just something to be forgotten. Am I a horrible, nasty piece of work? I know what I've done does not make me a good person. I do think my partner would be a lot better off without me. I don't know if my guilt and wish to tell my partner is normal and rational. Sorry if I should not be posting here but I don't know if how I am being is rational or if it is being blown out of proportion by anxiety/OCD. I am terrified of going back to how I was a few years ago with OCD as some of you may remember, looking back I can recognise that I was extremely unwell. I'm in no way trying to minimise what I have done as I know I am wrong.

Thanks Angst. Yes I think I am focusing on being anxious as this was the first thought I had when I woke up this morning, "how anxious am I today? Am I worried today?" and so is begins from there. Will try to do something to take my mind off. Yes it does... I did fixate really, really badly on the new worry to the point where I was having panic attacks. It all lasted for two to three days but only stopped because I got confirmation from someone I thought was able to confirm for sure and even then I wasn't 100%. I guess the anxiety I have now is over spill from all of that. Considering starting my medication again to see if this will help as my checking has been getting gradually worse too recently.

Hello. I was wondering if anyone else has this issue. The past couple of days I have been experiencing very high anxiety (causing stomach issues, nausia, vomiting, shaking). I started panicking three days ago about something that had happened a few months ago. I ended up seeking reassurance from people (bad I know) that what I had done wasn't bad. Eventually my anxiety about the issue stopped yesterday. Ever since this peak in anxiety over that, my anxiety seems to have remained really high and hasn't really dropped back to what it was. My anxiety itself is through the roof now in general. It was bad before the past few days but not this bad. I have again gone straight back to my usual worry again but my anxiety is now tenfold. Also I'm doubting I have OCD because the worry I had over the past few days was something I definitely had done but I was worried it was wrong. And doubting that my worry is OCD. Whereas what I've worried about in the past is things I've not been sure I've done. I now think I definitely kissed someone 6 years ago and this has somehow been confirmed by a completely unrelated worry I had the other day. It's like I feel at peace saying I did it. I'm not sure how it's linking but in my head it has done. I can't explain this, I hope someone can understand. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone or if this is something anyone can relate to. I just thought I'd ask. Thanks

I'm really tired of feeling like this all the time. I notice that I feel worse on the lead up to work. My anxiety is skyrocketing and when my anxiety is bad, the worry I have is even worse. Considering going to my doctor again tomorrow and telling them the extent of what is going on. Tell them the whole 8 years and how it is affecting me on a daily basis. How I no longer want to be here. But I feel like it's futile because they will just put me on medication again as it seems like their quick fix answer to everything. I was on Sertraline for around one year and although it numbed the depression to a point, my anxiety was still a major problem. Just needed to rant. Everything feels pointless and wrong.

Thank you, I'll have a look into that now.

Thank you for all the responses. Sorry I took so long to answer but have been trying to stay away for a bit. @snowbear I have been looking at CBT books specifically for OCD. I did try "Break Free from OCD" previously but wondered if there are others I should try? Or should it just be CBT in general, not specifically for OCD? I have been trying to do what people have said. When I get thoughts I have told myself I don't need to think about it anymore because it doesn't matter. It was 6 years ago and everyone makes mistakes. I am trying to cut myself some slack like @malinasuggested. At first I felt okay with it. But now I am really starting to feel anxious. I'm trying to believe it doesn't matter and tell myself I don't have to think about it. I keep countering that without even realising by then automatically thinking that I have no right to not think about it. I keep thinking that I have to keep going over the night over again because it is wrong if I don't? Does this make sense? I'm trying not to give into it but it feels nigh on impossible. At the moment, I feel as though I did it without a doubt. I don't know how I should be feeling ?

Thank you for your nice words and intentions, it means a lot. I hope I get to a point where I can do this. For the sake of my partner more than anything as he is the victim here.

Thank you for your kindness, I don't mean to feel sorry for myself. You know you mentioned reading up on CBT, would this suffice instead of a therapist? I'm really not lying when I say I searched for a long time before I thought I found one clued up on OCD. I tried around four therapists and none seemed to be able to help before I got to the one I thought was ok. Also it was very expensive. I'm not even going to attempt going through my Dr as there is no point. Thank you for being so kind, it's appreciated. Thanks Malina. Maybe you're right. I think the conditional part makes it harder for me but I have no right to complain about it. Do you mind me asking about your old obsession that lasted 8yrs? I just wondered, how did you stop caring? And what do you think of it now? I don't think I will ever not think about this, it feels like this is me now. But. I think I thought the same about my last obsession (about my bf cheating) and now I never think of it and think it was overblown borderline psychotic. Thank you Polarbear, you have always given me good advice and must be sick to the back teeth of this. I appreciate it even though I may seem like I don't. I just don't seem to be able to do anything about this. I do feel like I have tortured myself but equally my partner has been tortured too and it's unfair. I would love to know what a non OCD person in my situation would do or how they would react, just so I could understand what a normal reaction would be or if my reaction is right. I didn't say anything to him or confess as like you say, he's heard it before. I think I just want him to just forgive me and then I can move on but that will never happen. It's also very selfish of me to expect him to do that. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Thanks again for the post Snowbear. Re the above. This is 100% what I do, you are right. I ignore it but still buy into it and this is one of the habits I have. When I'm at work I often tell myself I can't think about it right now, I'll do it later. I thought that was a good method but I guess not. I suppose I'm just deferring the thoughts. My therapist made me listen to myself saying what had happened on a recording and continue to listen to it. I didn't feel as though this helped at all. We did A and B, what is more likely given facts, etc. but I didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. He understood OCD and he had other clients with OCD but I didn't feel like it worked for me so I felt like a lost cause. I tried so many therapists and he was the only one who had experience in OCD so I've little faith in this route again. At this stage I'm really struggling to have any hope at all. I have been thinking of suicide a lot and considering quitting my job, just disappearing completely. But I'm even too cowardly to do that.

I'm really panicking. Should I just speak to him again about it? I can't sit here pretending that I am okay when I feel like bursting into tears. I can't carry on with this anymore. It would be best for him if he left me anyway as this isnt fair on him at all. And now since all of this has started, I am no longer physical with him, don't really make conversation with him, we don't go out anywhere or do anything, all because I feel that it's wrong if I do any of that. He often tells me he feels lonely. I know I've caused this and his life is ruined because of me.

Apologies, I will mention briefly but don't want to go into detail as I am already feeling really anxious and upset. I went on a night out 6 years ago. At the time was obsessing about my partner cheating on me and had been obsessed by this thought for around two years at the time, maybe longer. I decided to go on a night out and got drunk. I ended up being extremely flirty with another man. I believe I may have kissed him. I originally thought something sexual but now belive it may have been kissing. My obsession with this started two years after the night out. Prior to then, I don't think I thought anything had happened but I don't know if this was because I was too wrapped up in obsessing about my partner. I don't recall knowing about cheating previously and remember telling someone that nothing had happened before all this started. I know I'm a terrible, disgusting person and you will read this and think it's my own fault. I understand that. But I feel now that my life is ruined. Hi Malina. Hope you are well. I am not sure as I've warped everything and he refuses to speak to me about it so we haven't done so since. I think he said this, yes. I just don't know what to do. I never have. Currently fighting the urge not to talk to him about it all again but I know it just makes him angry. It would be kinder to him if I just left but financially it is unfair on him if I do. I'm trapped in a living hell but it's my own fault.

Also feeling very unusual today and felt the same over the past few days. My head feels foggy and 'messy', and I'm feeling very low. My mind is not letting me think of anything but I don't feel any better for it. Also extra anxious as returning to work and can't cope with it, my job has also been causing me extreme anxiety over the last year but I can't afford to leave or go off sick. I wish I could just sleep forever.

Thanks for the replies. I feel like a failure when I come here. I read about so many people doing well and overcoming their worries. They list what they've done, what they can do and how they'll do it. Their bad days contrasted with their good days. All I have is a self inflicted event from 6 years ago causing me worry and has continued to do so for 4 years. All my days are bad. I have no exposures to do as all my compulsion comprise of are repeatedly thinking about it day in day out 24/7 and linking it to everything I do. I carry on doing things even though it triggers thoughts because I know avoidance is wrong but it still happens and I still don't improve. Everyone here is making progress and change while I'm still where I was 8 years ago. What I'm trying to say is, I don't know what I'm supposed to do to get better. Do I even have anything to recover from? My therapist struggled in terms of exposure ladders because all I have are ruminations. I've tried CBT, EMDR, SSRI, yet I am still stuck in this same predicament. If my only compulsion is 'thoughts' or 'memories' then what am I supposed to do with that? I have tried ignoring it, occupying myself, agreeing with it, everything. This is what makes me think it's just a severe case of guilt and denial and not OCD. Anyone else would have made progress with all the intervention I've had. Sorry again for the negative post. I'm really not doing well.

Sorry. I want to enjoy my time at home, not thinking of this but can't. Really can't cope. Tired.

Are people more predisposed to suffering with 'longer' obsessions than others? I have been stuck with my current worry for 4 years, the one before that was 4 years before it immediately changed to this. I have rare occasions where something old crops up for maybe a day or two but I always revert to type again very shortly after. It seems others tend to have quite a fast 'turnaround'. Just curious. Thanks.

I don't think doing the test would release you and make you forget at all. I think you would doubt the test and find reasons why it is wrong. Then start scratching the itch again. You must know this by now. But, I understand why you don't see it here and I am guilty of this too. You are blinded by the need for peace and that seems to you like the only way you will get it. You won't get it. I promise you won't. Or you maybe you get peace from this. But another obsession will take over in it's place, fast. That sounds good now but won't be when you're in the thick of the new obsession and you wish for this one back because it doesn't seem bad anymore compared to the new one. It will just make you jump through more hoops. I see this as an outsider looking in on your situation with no brain fog. Like you, I cannot look at my own situation with such clarity. I understand how hard this is for you. I read all of your thread and you sound very much like me. So much that I had to post to you. I have suffered with my current obsession for at least 4 years now. It immediately replaced a similar obsession I had for a similar length of time. That is around 8 years in constant worry/rumination/anxiety state. 8 years I cannot get back. Do not make this same mistake. You are only a few months into this, still time wasted but at least not years. Please do something to help yourself and listen to the good advice you have been given by people who have posted to you throughout the thread.

Reading this was very upsetting. What you say resonates. It's a process I feel I cannot allow myself to stop. My head tells me if I do, I am disgusting for letting myself off the hook and also letting my partner live a false life with me. I'd want to know if it was the other way around. This is what I think this boils down to. It was 6 years ago but then I see people on TV shows finding out about things from 20 years ago and the time passed is irrelevant to them. I used to suffer badly with checking locks, doors, windows, work, etc. But there was always an immediate relief when I checked those things. There is no relief with what I do now whatsoever. Shouldn't there be? I just don't know how to get better. I've tried all SSRIs and therapy. I felt so bad, I paid a lot for private therapy that I couldn't really afford and even that felt like it didn't work. I don't know what's left for me to do. Thank you for posting such a well written and thorough response. It means a lot even though it may seem as though I disregard things.

Also dreading going into work and it has become a major issue for me. I find that the day before I'm due to go in, my anxiety is through the roof and I worry a lot more about the obsession to the point where I am on the verge of tears and wanting to confess everything to my partner and also quit my job. This happens a number of times a week. I know everyone says it but I truly am honestly reaching the end now. I can't keep going with everything, nothing is right in my life, not one single thing. Every single day is unbearable and has been for years. What is the point.

Thanks for the reply. I guess I just push them aside but yes do give them importantance, you're right. The thoughts I have are different to what everyone else seems to suffer with as it's constantly playing memories from the night out 6 years ago over and over. I'm often trying to block memories out, remember what happened, piece the night together or try to remember if I had any knowledge about if I had cheated at any point afterwards. It sounds silly, I know. Other people have thoughts about checking etc. This is why I don't really think it's OCD when I read other people's problems on the thread. I don't know how I can dismiss as 'just a thought' when it's something regarding an actual event and what could have been an actual severe indiscretion. Can you be obsessed by something without it being OCD? And be extremely anxious/guilty about it? I can't tell if someone not suffering with OCD would do this as I have nobody to ask? Thanks for the reply. Not feeling any better unfortunately but I rarely do. Hope you're okay.

I'm thinking about the night out again. I'm trying not to engage in thoughts and instead keep my mind off by doing other things like reading or watching videos. But my anxiety is really high and trying to do other things is not helping. I thought engaging in something else would help instead of sitting there thinking about things. My heart feels as though it's beating out of my chest. Keep getting "what if you knew, what if this, what if that" questions flying at me but I'm trying to just ignore them. I'm not convinced it's OCD and this would explain why things I am doing aren't working. Guess I just wanted to come and vent. So tired of all of this.

It's just unbearable, I'm sure you understand. It goes from one thing to another, the original thing completely shrinking in importance and the new thing which you never paid attention to previously is all of a sudden a big deal. I'm not sure if this is normal for OCD people or not or just a 'me' thing as when I have explained to other people they didn't understand. I'm sure some point over the next few days it will go back to the normal worry again. Would a non-ocd person worry in this manner or feel guilt in this way? What would another person do, or a person of good heart and morals? I'm trying my best to not engage with this but I know it's going to eat me alive, it always implodes.

I understand what you both are saying. But morally, am I not in the wrong? Yes I told him about the night out and he agreed that I was not sure but if I was sure then it would be over. I didn't tell him I flirted with people out of spite and told people about doing it. I did it because I was obsessed about him cheating where I was convinced and made myself extremely unwell. I can only think this makes me a terrible person and there is no other excuse. I'm now worried about another night but I'm trying to not think about it and just occupy with something else. Not sure how long I can keep doing all of this, seems easier to just tell all, split and be alone instead of ruining his life. I don't know what to do. It feels horrible and this is every single day. Surely I've paid enough penance?

Thanks Lynz. Hope you are doing good and have been keeping well, good to see you here but hope it's not because you are struggling with anything. I am feeling a little better physically but not mentally unfortunately I wish I could just move on but I honestly can't. I am not exaggerating when I say it is ruining my life and my partners life. He deserves so much better. I know Polarbear but it's there every day. And when it's not that it's something else. I know I'm annoying and infuriating but honestly I do try to stop but I end up thinking about it without even knowing. What do I do when that happens? At the moment I'm now concerned about when I've been flirtatious with people whilst I've been out drinking alcohol. I feel I need to confess these instances to my partner. One happened as recently as 2019 after I drank for the first time in years and was flirty with a colleague. I don't know why I do these things, alcohol and me do not mix and I suffer with extreme anxiety the next day. I don't drink or go out to parties or bars now due to what happened 6 years ago but that one occasion in 2019 was an exception. I can't tell if it's a normal thing to do and a non sufferer would tell their partner or not about these things. Basically I am 100% certain that I am just a horrible person and do not deserve to be in a relationship. My partner does not deserve to be trapped with me. Thank you David. I can't help but feel stupid, selfish and all around horrible person. I care so much yet do so many things that would say otherwise. What a mess I have made.

I truly believe that this will haunt me for the rest of my life. What a stupid, stupid person I am and was on that night 6 years ago.

Thank you for the replies. I'm trying not to engage but this seems to hit me a lot more when I'm anxious, like I am now. And even when I'm not, it's still lingering in the background. Because of how I am (anxiety/OCD), I don't know if this is what a normal person would do and if a normal person would continue to think about it forever. The only thing that makes me think it might be OCD is the fact that I did not think I had done this before this all started. I guess that is irrelevant. Yes I've had enough but I feel my partner has a right to know the truth. Just really struggling and there never seems to be an end to this, even after all this time. Sorry.