FantasyNerd98

Well...i got false nemories before but they are often about me doing something bad in the distant past...but now i just got a realistic short term false nemory..... never happened before... So i just applied for a night shift work and they handed me a paper to give my to my doctor and so on....... When i came home i remember that i had another paper that detailed the job and instruction about what i should do after applying.... i showed that paper to my mom too and we read it together.... And i lost that paper... i felt awful, my first job and i lose an important document..i kept thinking "they will fire me" "they will hate me"... and i kept thinking where i put that paper...i knew i had it when i went in the car on the way home I REMEMBERED HOLDING IT IN MY HANDS..... with the feeling of shame i went back to tell them that i lost their paper but they were closed. So yesterday i went in... and guess what ? There was no paper.... yeah... they only gave me one... the nemory of reading it to my mother and holding it in my hands was fake ..... the only paper they gave me was the one i gave to my doctor.... I feel like an insane person, i never had such a strong false nemory... I have a 100% realistic nemory of having and seeing 2 papers.... My friend also later applied for the job, and they gave him one paper.... I cant believe how real it feels like.... I know it was OCD because i was anxious and had obsessions about loosing that paper the whole day...

When i was 12 years old i was convinced that i shot and murdered a person....yeah... with a gun....We dont have guns where i live..... Its insane..... Sometimes i make REALLY sure that i closed the doors..... but when i got into the elevator i can see the door open and i have to return... then i find out the they are closed...

Im sorry.... this was just a nasty OCD spike combined with a panic attack.... i feel better now... friend is coming over now so we will watch some movies...

My fantasies are not wrong.... i like to be beaten up by a woman.... thats a normal BDSM thing..... The fact that i masturbated to every video of woman beating somebody up that i could find was sick and wrong..... and unfortunately one of those videos i saw was of a woman attacking a child.....

I just saw new stories about women that found out their husbands had child porn.... they were all devastated and reported their husbands to police and divorced them.... I know i havent watched child porn.... but i feel like by masturbating to that news report i mentioned earlier that im like them......... I feel like i did the same thing... only that it wasnt illegal...

Thank you for kind words (: im going to sleep too....

yes... the few friends that know about my ocd sometimes refuse to let me confess to them....

im not on therapy... im afraid to visit a doc...

i tried not confessing before and it ended bad.....

I been talking about this for the past 3 months ... i tried letting it be..... but its impossible....

There are things that cross the line and partner deserves to know...... she is also a human being ....

I want to leave this alone..... but i feel like a partner deserves to know things like that.... i feel like it would be disrespect towards her if i didnt told her

It happened becase im attracted to dominant women... and i have fantasies about being beaten up.... thats why i got aroused..... but it was a kid.....a kid..

I know its OCD.... but its true that she would freak out if i told her.... that what makes me think i did a horrible thing...

Also..... when i was a kid my father forced me to watch gore videos...... so maybe thats one of the reason why i was so desentized to things i saw online...... but i dont want to use my childhood trauma to apologize what i did