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About Cub

  • Birthday June 23

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  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD

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  • Location
    Somewhere in the West
  • Interests
    Poetry; reading; writing; Doctor Who; Sherlock; Glee; Darren Criss from Glee; spirituality

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  1. I realise I'm late to this thread, but I would like to say this: my OCD has made me contemplate suicide and it's been extremely distressing and lonesome. It was comforting to come on here and be able to talk about it in a safe space. I know it sounds incredibly harsh but we can't control how our posts are going to make someone else feel and even though I have been affected by suicidal contemplation, my first instinct is to offer words of comfort to someone else going through the same thing, due to empathy. I understand if someone is unable to do that because we're all at different levels of dealing and coping with this. This is a forum that revolves around mental health and a specific order and I think we should be free to share how we feel so we can help ourselves get better. We shouldn't be afraid to talk about it. And yes, we've all had moments of responsibility when we wonder if what we're going to say makes people feel bad or better but again, we can't control the reaction. As long as we're kind and sensible and place focus on good health, we can all get along together.
  2. Not a problem, guys. I've felt quite a bit better since I shared this and it's good to let other people's opinions in - after a while, it can become quite isolating to deal with all this on your own and it's nice to have the reminder that others are out there and that faith is so much bigger than just yourself. In a way, it helps you loosen that need to maintain control, because I often feel like I'm holding on extremely tight, way too tight if that makes sense and it doesn't make me happy. I want to be happy; however, I often wonder, do I need to keep this promise in my head from years ago or am I okay just to let it go? It still dogs me, because, well - it feels so real and it chases me around with the thought that I need to try. I've taken the pressure off my shoulders to be better but I still get spiked and think 'Hang on, can I do this?' I don't quite know how my God feels on the issue. Hm. Maybe the fact that I'm trying - and that one mistake doesn't define me - is good enough. On a separate note, I'm still a little stressed generally and people at my work have noticed that I seem to panic a lot, although I'm working on that. I'm considering (still) some form of therapy, just to help me talk my worries through. Anyway, thankyou for your help, advice and comfort. C x
  3. You've all been so kind to post such lovely things like this. It truly is a comfort to know I'm not alone. I guess I worry that I'm not being the best person I could be - that I could be better but instead I'm being swayed by other things in my life and that I'm not giving my all to God and won't admit it. But I guess the God I believe in is loving and patient and understanding; I've been learning to consider God as that humouring Mum who knows you keep those particular magazines under the matress. I know it's okay not to be perfect, but I do nitpick at all these little things, particularly in my writing - is it okay for these two characters to hold hands, share a bed, to kiss, etc and that reeeeeally bothers me because I worry about it. I guess the trick is to write the things that I felt comfortable and come to me naturally. I agree religion is so very difficult, because you have to have trust and have faith and there's so much criticism of religion already and the trouble it can cause, as well as the good. It can feel restricting sometimes, I'll admit and I don't want to be restricted, but neither do I want to be so open-minded my head falls out. Like you, Jennie, I feel I sometimes have to take a big step back. I see religious OCD as almost... pressing yourself against a religious painting in constant piety but to really understand, you have to take a step back from it and see everything. It is hard to know what's real and what's not in religion and OCD but at least I know at the centre of it all, there is (or should be) love. My brother once told me I should give religion up and I don't want to do that, but I know I'm not exactly devout. Maybe I'll figure it out with time. I do still fear there's no hope for me and God anymore and that I'll never get out of this corner and I'm beyond hope. At least I know I'm not alone with this. C x
  4. Thanks for the words of comfort, guys. It's reassuring to hear that voices in our heads aren't uncommon, so I'm extremely grateful for that in particular. I've been keeping busy at work this week and haven't had a lot of time to think, so that's been good. I've been feeling a bit better since I admitted it and don't feel I'm on my own so much; I feel that by sharing my fears, I've kind of letting my burden be shared and halved- by you guys, by the things I believe in, by the God I believe in, rather than shying away and tackling it all on my own and growing afraid of my beliefs. I'm not going to pretend to be a perfect Christian but then, who is? One thing I've learned on this journey is sometimes you need to take a step back and trust that whatever it is that you believe in will guide you in the right direction and you've kind of got to have faith in that as well as yourself. I've really been working on loosening myself up over the last ten years. Haven't always done well at it but I'm still alive, anyway. I guess I just want to do good but also have some fun along the way! I've recently ended up moving somewhere new in my life; I used to live in Wales but now I'm back in England and closer to home. It's nice to know that my family isn't so far away. I'm still concerned about my anxiety because I stress so much and I'm a walking ball of nerves, but one step at a time. Thanks again, everyone. C x
  5. How I'm moving forwards

    In all areas of OCD, there's always something almost universal, I feel that affects every sufferer; with religious OCD it's fear of committing the unpardonable sin, with things like this it's the fear that you've done what these people have done. I'm sorry you're finding things difficult, Ginger. Honestly, I don't know what to add, except congratulations on tackling it so brilliantly.
  6. Hi y'all With all this talk about exposure and rumination, well. It's making me want to admit a couple of things to myself; not a confession and not a plea for reassurance. I'd just like to talk about my worries because I'm feeling pretty stressed and have been for a while. So first things first: the good news is that I am no longer praying for forgiveness every time I have a bad thought (yes, I'd fallen back into bad habits). I'm just letting them pass through me, because they're flotsam and jetsam. As for why I'm so worried, well. This is the hard part. Six years ago I was just recovering from an OCD-induced depression after questioning something in my life that I liked doing and how it related to my religion. I'd got so used to worrying about it. Then I had a moment in my head of maybe making a promise that I would stop doing the thing I liked doing, based on something else that had got to me regarding my religious OCD that I knew was wrong and what's worse is that before that, I thought that it would be something to worry about. And I heard the words in my head but I don't know if I said them out loud or just thought them very clearly. Yeah, I know. So. This is why I'm so haunted. I feel like I've committed an unforgivable sin against God and that the God I believe in doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to know me. I feel I'm hearing all this stuff in my head, God telling me what to do and I feel it's wrecked me. One silly moment of madness and I feel it's made its own story, all because I like worrying so much. It's like an itch I can't scratch. I know that as we grow older we get more worries but I physically cannot stop worrying about this and I feel so alone and burdened with it all. But I was scared that if I spoke about it, it would make things worse; it was bad enough I was ruminating about it. I don't know what to do as I've had it on my mind for a long time and I'm used to worrying. I just don't feel I have the best on my OCD, essentially. Basically, I feel shame and depression over this one moment - and I know, I know we all make mistakes but I feel so guilty and wonder if come my death, I will be punished. I really don't want to trigger anyone else's OCD here but I'm so terrified my God no longer wants me. I feel like a bit of a loser; I can't seem to deal with my OCD anymore and I can't help but blame myself for it, because I feel I've locked myself into a corner I can't get out of and I'll never be free of this burden - I don't deserve to be better and I feel I ought to be punished. And I do not want reassurance or anything like that - I mean this as an exposure exercise, talking about my fears rather than bottling them up because I'm scared about what will happen if I talk about it. I just feel the anxiety from this has made me worse as a person and I'm terrified about my future, that I'll always be worrying because I just cannot shake this off - that I'll be an anxious partner, an anxious parent, that I may have anger issues, that I'll always get stressed too easily - and that makes me worry that it means something, that I have to do something for my God. My GP said I put far too much pressure on my shoulders but it's been tormenting me; I can't feel 100% normal and do the things I want to do because I feel I'm not allowed to do it, which makes me push forwards and try and prove I can do it, to spite my OCD - with disastrous results. Every time I try and do something, I remember this moment and wonder if it's OCD or God telling me not to do the thing and I have to stop myself ruminating to 'prove' that everything will be alright. I know this sounds mad and random; I just feel I can't bottle this up any longer and if I want to stop ruminating, I have to be honest with myself about why I'm so worried. I'm a bit of a mess, to be honest. I just needed a safe space to talk about it all. I hope you all understand. More than that, I hope the God I believe in understands. C x
  7. Tips for stopping ruminating

    Yeah, that's really helped me too. I'm forever ruminating in my head and my brain won't quieten; it's rather hard and I think I'm too scared to admit to it. I often feel 'wrong' and anxious and my brain just wants to correct it, but isn't sure how; ruminating's the only way I can cope and of course it's not a very good way. Thanks for this; it was a much-needed reminder.
  8. Tips for stopping ruminating

    I have some trouble with exposure; I feel I'm not tackling my worries head on and my brain feels a little crinkled up in certain areas; I don't feel like I quite have control. That said, I have plenty of distractions - all you can really do sometimes is distract yourself and it does help you reach even ground. Exposure can be very, very difficult because it can feel like too much - like I'm committing a sin or somesuch and I just can't take it; it makes me way, way, WAY too anxious to follow through. So that's a bit hard right now. I think it does help to remember that ruminating won't help, especially if you've done it before. It won't help reach any sort of conclusion and if you recognise ahead of time that the relief you feel will only be temporary, then I think you're saving yourself a lot of trouble. I know, that sounds a little emotionless but ruminating is, I feel, like weeds; the more you struggle with them, the deeper you go. It's incredibly difficult to avoid the temptation sometimes, as ruminating has become second-nature to me. But, I think as long as we have a back-up; things we enjoy and people to support us, then we'll be okay. C x
  9. Hi David Yeah, I bet it's not pleasant; it certainly wasn't for me. It was a few weeks of adjusting and feeling pretty scared. If it's any consolation, I was actually on 60mg for a while and then it came back down again. It all depends on how you're feeling; it's a a reflection of how poorly you are. But I promise you, you'll start to feel like yourself again in time. C x
  10. Hi David Yes, sweetie, I'm afraid it will but only for a little while. I sweated a great deal when I was on it and felt very weak - it also affected my sleeping patterns. But it will be okay - just give yourself time and patience. The difference will show in a few weeks and over the next few months. One step at a time. C x
  11. OCD and Grief..

    Hi Zazoo Taurean has given a lot of good advice but I just wanted to say I know how you feel; I lost my Mum to cancer nearly three years ago and the grief was a horrible thing. I'm so very sorry for your loss. The key thing you need to do now is be good to yourself; you need to take time for you to come to terms with the grief. Have something sweet and curl up under a blanket if you need. The good news is that you will get through it. You've been through an emotionally draining time and of course OCD is going to come in; that's just par of the course but all you need to do is tell yourself it's OCD and treat yourself gently. My Mum was my best friend and we used to have conversations about my state of mind; we talked about everything. My Dad is supportive in so many ways but I find I can't have those conversations with him in quite the same way - so it's something I miss. So I understand from that point of view. You should be proud of yourself for helping your Mum through the last few months of her life - I didn't go with my Mum to the appointments, or even engage at times because my OCD was so bad and I couldn't see anything beyond myself. You don't have to worry about that, because you did everything you needed to do and that's something good that you'll be able to treasure. You've done so brilliantly and are doing brilliantly; you're clearly trying to keep your head in the right zone and doing everything you need to do. The good news is: you are going to be okay, I promise. Good luck with everything, C x
  12. Thankyou for that Taurean; neautralising is something I'm trying to do too much. Oooh, dear... I'm a bit nervous today as I'm making arrangements to move across to the new place of work, looking for accommodation and somesuch. It's a bit nervewrecking; I'm wondering if I deserve it, all these wonderful things happening to me and I'm scared my OCD's going to kick in and I'll lose my focus. Yikes... Still. We all have our issues and it's okay to feel nervous, I guess. I think I just need to take it one step at a time. My dad's being very supportive and I'm researching the area to see what's what. Plus, we're having spaghetti bolognaise for dinner tonight! I think part of the reason I'm so nervous is because I have more time to prepare; the last time I was given a job, I just had two days to pack a bag, book a hotel room and run clear across the country. This time, I have more time to think and plan and I find business helps. I hope everything will be okay. I'm going to the doctor this afternoon to ask about the urination. I feel a bit silly, making a fuss about the small stuff but then I always do. The only loser in the worrying is going to be me, in the end and I don't want to put so much pressure on myself. Thankyou for reminding me not to do that. C x
  13. Hi everyone Writing in late as having some trouble settling down for the night. One thing to tell you - got some good news today in that I've found a new job! It means moving again and I'm a bit nervous about going back out into the world and dealing with the anxiety that I can't seem to shake. I've felt safer at home and obviously OCD is jumping on the issue as well, trying to ruin this for me. The other thing on my mind that I'm still struggling with is frequent urination; I can't relax enough at night to doze off and have to keep going to the bathroom. It feels linked to my OCD and anxiety. Basically, I always get triggered by the urge to go when I'm doing something I feel I shouldn't be; when I'm trying to read certain stories that I used to enjoy, pertaining to my love of fanfiction. I now feel that I'm not allowed to read them and in a way I try too hard to read them just to prove that I still can. But my eyes can't quite focus on the page and I kind of lose my relaxation; I can't read it normally. Everything in my head feels a bit displaced, although I've made massive improvements. I guess I just want all my passions in place - I don't want to feel this way. I just want to feel like myself again and to enjoy everything I used to love. I realise ruminating's not going to get me anywhere, so I'm doing that a lot less. I just want to feel safe with all my interests because right now, I feel something is barred off and I feel a little ill at ease. A strange, random post, I realise! I hope you guys won't think I'm odd. Thanks for reading. Night night, C x
  14. I'm relearning some of my old CBT techniques; such as - what's the worst that could happen, if I had this thought? What does it matter? I've also found some new passions that have really helped me break down my walls and they've done me a lot of good - my Dad happily noted the other day that I was writing again. One of the most important things my doctor ever told me was that I do put pressure on my shoulders and that's not going to get me anywhere - nor will ruminating. I'm able to distract myself and remind myself that going over and over something is not going to change the outcome and will make my obsessions worse; tangle me further in the weeds. Let's see how we get along with that. And, as people above point out: trying to forgive myself for past mistakes I've made as a human-being and it's more beneficial to be kind to myself, rather than hurt myself over something I can't change; I'll always arrive at the same muddle I was in to start with. I don't know how healthy some of you will consider this, but I'm living back with my Dad for the time-being and I feel a lot better being at home than I was being away. I know that sounds strange, because familiarity can trigger OCD but my childhood home has changed a lot since I went away and my Dad's a really easygoing guy. I'm just getting on with the day and find I have lots of things to do - helping around the house, taking the dog for a walk, which is good for me as it means I get out in the fields and the sunshine and I get some exercise. We live in the country, so it's good for me, at least for a few weeks, while I'm looking for a new job. I'm rather anxious about leaving home again, depending on circumstances, but the short version is that yes: family helps. I don't want to lean on them all the time, though. I'm writing again as well and one of the characters I'm writing around has anxiety, so I find a lot of empathy and exploration in his character; it's helped me get a better grip on my own fears and it means I'm producing something after spending so long feeling stuck in writer's block, which contributed to my anxiety and depression. I've been reminded that I worry because I care and I hold myself to high standards. It's good to have passion back in my life for the time-being. I don't always feel I deserve to be happy because of past sins, but this feels like an improvement over what I used to feel. So for me, personally, that's where I am. Also: eating less chocolate! It's just good to be busy and surround yourself with people who love you. I tend to try and fight this on my own but every now and then, it's okay to accept help. Make sure you always accept help, if you can find it. C x