Bulletin Board User
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About Cub

  • Birthday June 23

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Somewhere in the West
  • Interests
    Poetry; reading; writing; Doctor Who; Sherlock; Glee; Darren Criss from Glee; spirituality

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD

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  1. You know what, that's really kind and useful advice. I was told ages ago to stick to my moral code about this and to stand by my moral compass; maybe I'm overcomplicating things. I just wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't prejudiced. I'll back off looking for a while. Thanks again. C x
  2. Hi OD Thanks very much for telling me the post wasn't homophobic - I was very worried and don't want to open a can of worms. To answer your question - I was raised by perfectly tolerant parents in a perfectly tolerant family, it's just the problem is me because I've been essentially trying to find myself through religion and through culture. It's so hard to figure out what works for me and it's really got my OCD going. I was told not to be too rigid, so am sticking to that like glue. I don't want to go on too much about it, as I've wasted enough time but that tightness in my chest is distressing and it feels as though it's stopping me being myself. Maybe I'm just being silly; I just feel so trapped inside and feel I can't do the things I want to do and that I've wasted so much time. I struggle a lot with OCD magical thinking/promises and that doesn't help because I feel I need to do my best to stick to them and I'm wrapped up in a massive web, mentally. I'm a terrible worrier and just can't stop worrying. I physically don't know how. C x
  3. Hi everyone Had a lovely Easter celebration with the family - and am enjoying eating lots of leftover chocolate. Really enjoyed the wedding too, which was excellent fun. I thank you for your encouragement. I've been gentle with myself after 24 hours of stress and have given myself a lazy day. But I'm struggling with a tight chest and it's embarrassing, but I'm not sure how to describe it, because I'm feeling a little lost. I've had OCD over several things I enjoy, including fanfiction (which is fiction written about tv shows by the fans; it's like a fun game). I used to really enjoy fanfiction but now I struggle because I just don't know what I'm allowed to write and what I can't and it feels as though my whole system has shut down and won't allow me to make a move. I've been focusing too hard on wanting to write specific types of fanfiction, in order to prove to myself that I can - which feels like a compulsion in itself because I'm not sure what I feel comfortable writing. Among this is interactions between two male characters; it sounds absolutely awful of me to say this, I know, but for example, when writing two guys together, I really struggle with 'how' to write them, how close to make them - how they can hug for example, how physically they go about that, can they lie down on a bed together - and I don't know what I want from the page. And I have this idea in my head that I'm 'not allowed' to write them in a physically close/potentially romantic fashion - it's like my whole body freezes, my chest goes tight and something just screams 'No!' and I wonder if it's God telling me something - even though I don't believe that the God I believe in is homophobic. I try too hard to 'make it happen' just to prove that I can and I end up with a massively tight chest. I want to just 'do it' but I feel unable to and then I worry even more. I know it's such a silly thing to get het up about but the tightness in my chest is something I cannot bear and it's making me feel trapped - like there's a gate closed to me that I cannot go through. I feel that with these physical limits, I'm missing out on something and it's really affecting my writing and my OCD is telling me that I'm not allowed to do this and I just feel I'm missing out on valuable writing time because I just feel stuck and can't just go naturally, if that makes sense. I can't feel at ease with my own writing and it's making me unhappy because my days feel empty and I feel overly-rigid, but like I have no choice. I feel I'm on the outside looking in. I just want to be happy and do what makes me happy. On the other hand, I've been worrying over this for years and I feel I'm slowly, steadily ruining my life with the worrying. I just feel I lack purpose and I'm looking for something to give me purpose. I'm sorry if this is offensive to anyone, or is making me sound prejudiced - the whole point of it is that I want to prove I can do a little bit of everything in my writing, that I'm open and easy but something in me just feels closed and because of my OCD leading me around in circles, I'm stuck. I don't want to be prejudiced at all. I just keep panicking and not knowing what to do. I'm suffering from a bit of magical thinking OCD, thinking all my thoughts count for something and my thoughts about OCD have become blurred. Eurgh. Apologies again if this has been offensive to anyone; I feel kind of stupid even writing it down. It's hard to explain it. I would really welcome any advice. C x
  4. It's okay- jealousy is part of being human. That's something I've learned. I do worry about meeting someone because I have trouble being in the moment and can focus on the wrong things; I worry I won't be able to engage with anyone or really listen to them and that I won't ever be happy. It's a huge fear of mine, that a love-life will pass me by and I won't notice. But all I can do is hope.
  5. I think our confidence levels can go down a tad, definitely. I must admit this is something that worries me as I've felt unable to engage with the present entirely and worry about engaging with an individual when my mind is on other things. I don't want to be 'absent.' I have struggled to socialise a bit over the last year as I have felt anxious and uncomfortable and often want to get social events over and done with. I fear awkward silences and in turn the silent admission that myself and my companion don't have anything to say to each other and have little in common. I don't know how others have done it. I have often - and this is something I myself feel ashamed to admit - simmered with envy and resentment, watching others get along nicely at work, forming close relationships that seemed almost exclusive. :eyeroll: But I think it's worth remembering that we are growing and changing throughout our lives and a lot of people have these problems. I think it's about finding understanding. Everyone has their own issues, after all and part of a relationship is accepting all of it. C x
  6. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think a bit of reassurance is okay. As long as it's not the wrong sort. Sometimes, a kind word is necessary to set us on our way so we feel safe rather than obsessed. Just a little at the right time - not a lot of the wrong stuff. Just a bit of encouragement.
  7. I'm on 10mg of citalopram, Phil - is it the same with you? I agree with the others - be gentle and go slow. C x
  8. Hi Ocean Thanks for those lovely words of comfort. I do walk a lot and I meditate too - I use the mindfulness tracks. They help take the edge off. I do need to exercise more, though. It does break off the stress. Anxiety is tiring, yes! I sometimes get frustrated with it but it is what it is and it's part of me. It needs to be addressed and managed. It's just hard sometimes to remember to breathe. Happy Easter to you. I feel with God, I forget that religion is meant to be a comfort and try too hard to be perfect because I don't want to leave anything unaddressed and want to just get it right. I guess I have to have faith that God understands, though. It IS Easter, after all. Thanks for the lovely words - I hope to dance, Cubby, dance! C x
  9. Hi Avo I understand how you feel. In my job I make a lot of mistakes and always beat myself up for them. But I haven't been sacked; I'm calmly told what I got wrong and carry on. And I watch my colleagues make mistakes too. One made a mistake the other day and it's nothing that can't be fixed. It's clear you're doing your best. I do feel awful when things go wrong and spend the whole day worrying on it, even when others tell me it's okay. Sorry I can't give a longer reply - am currently in a car - but I just want to let you know that it's fine, I get it and I think it's part of the disorder, definitely. C x
  10. Hi everyone Have been busy working and getting myself ready for my best friend's wedding this weekend - am very excited, even though I can't find my dancing shoes. *huff* I'll just have to go without. I'm getting along okay-ish, I think but still have my struggles. One of the key things is random bouts of anxiety during the daytime and my eyes being tired and sore. You know when you worry a lot and you can feel it a lot behind your eyes? I have that a lot and I nearly always have dark circles there. I'm struggling with the past and feel I cannot engage in the present. I know what's making me anxious - I just feel so anxious and don't know how to tackle it and am trying so hard not to get caught in the ruminator's web. The citalopram is doing its bit and keeping me stable but I fear never being able to move ahead. I'm putting myself under pressure and constantly thinking, 'There must be more I can do.' It sounds silly but in this state of mind, I fear becoming a parent in the future, if it ever should happen - what if I put too much pressure on my children? My godmother gave me the Desiderata epitaph as an Easter gift, telling me I am a child of the universe and deserve to be here. I just don't know how to make peace with my God without worrying as I worry on a daily basis. Happy Easter, one and all! C x
  11. No, I appreciate these comments; thanks for the feedback and your thoughts.
  12. Hi everyone I haven't been around for a while. It always feels better, when my head is in this place, to stay away for a bit and try and be my own helper. I hope you're all getting along okay. I've been feeling pretty good the last couple of weeks and have been working on taking that constant pressure off my shoulders. I've had a really good last two days off work, which has been a nice change; I normally feel very restless, anxious, bored and isolated on my days off so this has been a massive improvement. I've been giving myself permission to just 'be' to do things that are relaxing, rather than feeling as though I have to write all the time (I went through a stage where I was desperate to prove to myself that I could write certain things I felt I wasn't allowed to do. An act of defiance, as it were to prove that I could - a compulsion in itself). I've been finding a lot of pleasure in rediscovering Red Dwarf on Netflix - I loved it a lot as a teenager and now I'm just really relishing it. It's one of those things that helps keep me going and just helps me feel secure. Things have been so miserable in my life for a long time and the Citalopram seems to be doing the trick. I also found that meditation helped; I tend to brim over and bubble with anxiety, talk very loudly and it becomes very obvious very quickly and I get a lot of headaches. I tend to rush myself a lot and it just doesn't help. I find I get headaches when relaxing too; tension aches, I guess. I've also been very anxious about going abroad in the summer, just for a few weeks, to teach English. It's very nerve-wrecking, but I've decided to do some studying in advance; the native language, and teaching skills. It's giving me something to focus on and make me feel as though I'm doing something valuable with my time, as for a long time I've felt as though I'm wasting my life and going around in circles, but have had absolutely no clue what to do about it. I'm also making more of an effort to eat healthily and have lots of vegetables, get fresh air. Having given up chocolate for Lent (well, eating less anyway!) I've had sugar cut out of my diet (for the most part, because, you know. Doughnuts :P) and if I eat chocolate, go for the good stuff. I feel bad that the last six years have been so flipping difficult and I feel my twenties went all over the place because of the depth of the anxiety - one mistake ruined everything. I feel I've been digging into my skull to try and find a way of acting normal and it's been so difficult to relax. I've felt so guilty about the thoughts I've had in the past, intrusive or otherwise (as you all know) and felt I had to pay a price. I felt I would never be happy again and didn't deserve to be because of what I thought of, because it felt like something I did, if that makes sense. Someone quoted a Bible verse at me last night after I spoke on a facebook group about feeling like a rubbish Christian; I looked it up and felt weird because it's hard to be happily religious when OCD is involved, I find. I don't want to lose my beliefs, but I can't say I'm the best Christian; far from it. Then again, I know we're all human and God's love is infinite. I've just had all these voices in my head telling me I'm wicked, not knowing if it's God or just OCD and have been left deeply distressed. I'm rather selfish in that I don't want to sacrifice anything that makes me happy but how will I improve myself if I don't stay open-minded? A friend of mine told me a short while ago when I was confiding in him that we are not put on this Earth to suffer. I do want to enjoy my life as it's felt like I've been bumbling through; I'm 27 this year and I have debts, a low wage-packet and no plan, no romance and no confidence. I want a change, but I was scared that whatever I went for, I would be unable to go for it 100% because I get so distracted by my OCD worries and it would pull me away from what I'd be doing. I've felt like my brain was boxed up and separate from everyone else. I just felt I can't engage - it's hard to be around people who trigger the anxiety, like people I look up to but who I feel awkward around and it just sends me crazy because I get so nervous and - horrid as it sounds - I just want to run away from them so I don't end up feeling like an awkward idiot. I feel awkward around everyone! Anyway, just a general update. Take care, all. C x
  13. Certainly helping my head remain quiet and still. I've got the lights off and am just lit by the candlelight. It's always been good for my brain. I had breakfast this morning with a couple of friends and then went home again. I like being by myself but on days like today I get cabin fever and I get so overwhelmed with all the things I could do or want to do. And I had what I can only describe as a kind of panic that my life was worthless. I had a kind of - dissastisfaction and felt like I was a waste of life - and that it doesn't matter what I do now, I'll never feel calm and happy again. I feel that with me, it's too much to ask for. I tend to focus on the negatives, as we know; I couldn't compartmentalise my brain and just be. It was all a little distressing - I went to the coffee-shop across the road and did some writing and that helped; getting out of my room and going away somewhere new. I often feel, on days off, like a kid splurging on candy until her teeth go rotten because I hate lounging about not doing anything, but I do want to relax. It's hard to make decisions on my days off - which book, which film etc and I can never lose myself. Even in the coffee-shop today I couldn't focus; it was writing; research; Tumblr; Facebook; chat with a friend; email to brother; I just couldn't focus and settle on one thing and I know it's to do with anxiety. CBT, I think? perhaps it's time - but then my fear is that it won't work and things will get even worse, as I'm afraid to talk about it. I just feel so strange and disconnected - very aware of myself and self-conscious. It makes me keep my head down at work and leaves me not wanting to draw attention to myself, to make mistakes that will make people despair of me. I've got my writers' group tonight and I head back to work tomorrow - I also get paid, hooray - and I feel a bit overwhelmed by everything. I've read that moping is not good and the worst thing to do but being alone is often all I want - then I wonder if it was such a good idea. Everything's kind of a struggle; though it could be worse! C x
  14. Hi all How are we all this morning? I'm chilling in bed 'cause I got the day off! There's something I've been curious to ask you guys for a while; namely, is having OCD connected with having a good memory, despite the pitfalls of false memories and somesuch? I ask as my parents often commended me for my memory and I find I'm able to connect events together easily; we were there, so it would have been then and all that sort of thing. And we always remember the thoughts and where we were when we had them. Just wondered... C x