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About Cub

  • Birthday June 23

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Somewhere in the West
  • Interests
    Poetry; reading; writing; Doctor Who; Sherlock; Glee; Darren Criss from Glee; spirituality

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  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD

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  1. You have all been very kind to leave these comments; this was a bad night for me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I got onto a friend who had been around earlier and she calmed me down and offered to come back around - I refused the offer as we'd had a lovely night with Doctor Who and sandwiches. I just felt overwhelmed by the negativity. My friend talked me through it and I remembered that despite the bad times, my Mum and I had a wonderful last day; we were preparing the house for Christmas and wrapping presents together. And that's worth everything. Despite all of that, our last day together after a month apart was absolutely perfect and we were happy. I'm lucky - unfortunately my brothers didn't get that privilege but I did. And Mum and I loved each other; she was my best friend and confidante and we did everything together. I've been socially awkward, more so, since she died because I've realised how much I miss that companionship, that unconditional confidence where you can just be yourself. You don't have to worry about making conversation, about making an impression, about filling a silence because she knows you. It's all the little things I miss - it hit me after she died that I have not just lost my Mum, but my pal and it was so difficult. I'm much better now; perhaps I do have unresolved issues about this. I've come very far and I've often put up a front of 'Mum died, but look at me, I'm okay!' I've been loathing myself for such a long time but at least I'm still here. I just feel I care far too much; I'm seeking that feeling of 'perfection' and rightness in everything I do. The prospect of leading a brighter life feels slightly alien as I'm not sure if I remember how; I'm so used to feeling bad. Unfortunately it's like a constant companion; I feel more normal feeling bad than I do feeling good. I just feel wherever I go it's with me and there's an association of that feeling here with me in Wales. It's like I always associate OCD with living spaces and I associate it a lot with where I live because I've often been up and down those streets with those worries on my mind and so I feel as though where I live is stale, that those worries are all around me. It's very difficult and I feel so ashamed. But I am obsessive compulsive and that is that. it's hard for me though to even just say that as it feels so real and it feels as though something bad has happened and I'm using OCD as a shield, an excuse; it doesn't feel valid and I feel I'm kidding myself. But I don't want to be clamping down on myself, either. I want to live a happy life but I fear that's just beyond my reach, now. C x
  2. I remember, nearly a decade ago now, the moment when it 'clicked' for me; these were just thoughts. I think I was walking up a hill and I was a few sessions into CBT with a very good psychologist who I wish was still active. It just all hit me; these were thoughts and they didn't matter. As you know, I have these moments; but I'm a place where I understand the God I believe in knows my heart and knows my thoughts are not me. And that's okay.
  3. Thankyou for the kind words of support, guys. Sadly I'm struggling to sleep again tonight, beleagured by negative thoughts about things that make me angry. I seem to focus on small things that annoy me - in this case, thinking about a know-it-all who I feel nitpicks everything I do - and just getting angry. It's amazing how my mood can fluctuate. I feel so tense at night: anxiety and overthinking has become my default mode and I don't seem to feel comfortable any other way. Which makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I feel so stupid and such a moron. C x
  4. Hi all Been having a bad couple of days, feeling depressed and down in the dumps since my trigger earlier this week. Been struggling to stay positive at work and people have been asking me if I'm okay. Been going through mental ruminations but been trying to keep it at bay. I had some friends over this evening and we had a lovely time. But I'm struggling to settle down to sleep and never seem to get enough rest. I thought I would write down some of what was bothering me and it's just made me feel worse because I wrote about how I've been feeling this way for over four years and if there's nothing to worry about, why did I worry for so long? And I feel I completely ruined my Mum's final year; she was terminally ill, I was stuck at home and trying to find a job and wrapped up in my own thoughts. Right through Mum's illness it was there and I just didn't engage with her because of more trivial matters. This has all hit me at once and I hate myself and feel in a not great place; I've been feeling rubbish and stupid and worthless all weekend and feel as though I shouldn't be here. I feel no matter where I go the OCD will follow and continue to ruin my life and I'll let it. I fear never being happy because I'll never be able to engage. I don't like myself at all and feel I'm kidding myself every time I try and let go. I just don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do. C x
  5. Thankyou, Lost - however, I'm saddened that you lost your love for embroidery. I hope you get it back one day.
  6. It's possible; I often fear judgement, I agree. Sadly, right now I've got tears running down my cheeks but am watching Doctor Who to try and take my mind off it. It's times like this I fear that God doesn't love me anymore and I've beyond help and redemption; beyond His help because I feel like such a bad person when things like this happen. I've put weight on as well and feel like an overweight buffoon. Sadface. I know - I'm imperfect. This is all just piling up mentally. I have to resist the urge to go and find someone to talk to to let me know it'll be okay. Gotta keep going. C x
  7. Thankyou for that OD - and for replying so quickly in such a relatable manner. I hate it when these doubts and emotions happen because they're so disabling, in their way. It's so specific, that's the trouble and it's hard to know who to talk to about it. It gets to the point where I'm almost overhandling the story - I feel like I'm getting my grubby paws all over it to try and make it satisfactory or 'just right' if you will so I don't have to worry about it feeling like it's pricking at my conscience and I'm never happy with what I've written, which makes me feel even sadder. It's incredibly upsetting and makes me feel like a total jerk. It's to do with me; I love fandom life and I love being part of Sherlock fandom but I feel there are certain things I just cannot do anymore and that I want to do so badly. And yet I feel it's my fault I feel like this; OCD thoughts are just thoughts, I get that but I feel I led myself here and did this to myself, even though I'm aware of the pressure I put myself under. I feel I ought to see a CBT therapist over this because this is a day to day struggle that I can't help but feel is making a huge difference to my quality of life in the long-run. I feel it's not healthy for me to think like this. I care about Sherlock, so Sherlock is involved in my OCD cycles. Isn't that ridiculous?
  8. Hi, all Just wanted to check in; have had a nice relaxing day off. Went up to town for lunch and came back absolutely stuffed but was well worth it! I wanted to ask you guys how you get along with feeling the fear and doing it anyway. As per I want to avoid reassurances, but I struggle with this and feel I'm living a stifled emotional life because I find I don't let myself 'do stuff.' Here follows a very, VERY specific example; I wrote a short fanfiction this afternoon for the Sherlock fandom but I've been struggling with some time as to whether I'm allowed to write a certain brand of fanfiction in this particular fandom (long story short: I feel I'm 'not allowed' to write Sherlock Holmes and John Watson together in any kind of vulnerability or intimacy, any kind of situation that requires physical contact or comfort - I know that sounds absolutely awful). I wrote the piece anyway because I was in need of carthasis and comfort but I fret so much over the details of everything I write. Common sense says I should dispense with the fear and do so but I'm scared I'll 'get into trouble' if I do. I feel this is a key example of how the anxiety is restricting my life and days because it doesn't take much for me to worry about something specific. That's not what I want; it definitely affects the quality of my life and it's incredibly upsetting. I feel that tightness in my heart, my chest and feel like I want to run away or do something else (I also find I start to tug out body hairs or pick at my skin when I'm feeling like this). I like to write fanfiction to comfort myself but then find I have to comfort myself all over again. I have a feeling I know what my old psychologist would tell me but I feel a bit messed up and like I've spoilt everything for myself. I feel like I'm on a walking tightrope, or on a very tight leash. I just want to feel like I've done something productive. I know this sounds like an awful lot of pressure and I think I know what to do but I feel ridiculous about it all and feel like I'm pressing down on my brain and heart because I find I don't know what to do and what the 'right path' is essentially. I'm not sure what people will make of this but I just want to ask generally; do you feel that tightness in your chest, that pressing feeling, that urge to flee? Is that what it means to feel the fear and do it anyway? C x
  9. You're being very brave already. Well done. It'll be over soon, whatever it is and you won't have to worry about it anymore.
  10. Hi OD I think we can have all 'mental revisits' to previous times in our lives. I know I have; recalled a time when I felt the obsession and fear so strongly and wondering what the difference is between then and now (the answer is, of course: citalopram :D) OCD can come up strongly during times of stress - so don't be too hard on yourself. Be gentle with yourself and take it one step at a time. C x
  11. *cuddle* It's okay, I know how you feel. I've been feeling very lonely in real time and would often watch my co-workers all laugh and joke together, wondering why it's so easy. It takes a lot of effort for me to form bonds with people too; just an hour ago, coming out of the train station after a long journey, another lady struck up a conversation with me and I was a bit distracted and too tired to really respond. I went through a period of feeling like a ghost in the city I work in and only really see people at work. I joined a writer's group which helped and has allowed me to meet people outside of work a little more. But I remember feeling very jealous of my colleagues and coworkers for the ease in which they could form bonds and relationships and feeling left behind. As my Mum passed away two and a half years ago, that's where the main source of my own loneliness comes from as I've lost my best friend and confidant. Things are better now and I'm sure things will get better for you. If it's any consolation, I know people older than myself who also get the whole 'are you dating anyone yet?' from their families. I'm 27 this year, the same age my brothers were when they were settling down long-term and starting families. Even my brother who has always supported everything I do has been asking me if I've met anyone yet. I'm hopeless with intimacy (confession: I haven't kissed anyone for six years!) and just putter along on my own. But there's no pressure, from anybody, not really; it's not like the war or the old days when you had to be married by a certain point, or you were written off. So yay for that. We are all at different points in our journeys and it will get better. We're all rooting for you. C x
  12. Came back to this very late (sorry, guys! *smacks wrist*) but I am very glad of these constructive comments. I'm pleased, at any rate, that I can be more sensible by not thinking I should be doing what others are doing. I've been feeling less rigid altogether and feel like I can cope, at least for now. Will keep you guys posted. Thankyou!
  13. I thank you all for your kind and fair replies; honestly, I'm shaking my head at myself right now. I have plenty to occupy myself - writing, reading, cross-stitch, walks in the park, DVDs - yet I remain discontent. I think I'm seeking a perfect state of happiness. :eyeroll: No life is perfect, obviously. I forget the good things and just focus on how I feel. I hate being so whiny about everything - I need to be grateful for what I have. I can't figure out how to relax these days, sadly but maybe I just need to go outside more and enjoy what I have. I'm not alone, after all. I think I need to spend less time on the computer. Thankyou very much for your swift, rightfully worded replies. <3 C x
  14. Hi everyone Wanted to check in as am struggling to sleep tonight. Am aware I have some kind responses to a previous thread that I haven't replied to. Apologies and will deal with those tomorrow; thankyou very much. Wanted to post in as am struggling and have been struggling with this for some time - namely, just feeling vaguely unhappy and empty. OCD-connected? Possibly. But I feel the emptiness around me on the days I'm not working. At first I'm excited not to have to get up early and enjoy a lie-in. But then it's like I have nothing to live for, on those days. I try and try to keep busy but it feels as though something's missing. I don't want company, I like having time on my own - but it's like I can't enjoy being on my own. I just feel adrift and pointless and I try not to think about it. But I can't ignore it. I can't just settle and be happy having nothing to commit to. I did okay today but in the evening I felt so sad. The afternoons are the worst because I don't want to go outside per se but I don't want to stay in staring at the walls. Sometimes I just feel I want to leave and go home to my family. The days get longer and I hate feeling like I have nothing to live for besides my job. Then I worry my day off hasn't been relaxing enough and worry that I don't know how to relax at all. I feel so purposeless. I kind of hate myself for feeling like this to be honest. I've got a lot to be thankful for but I hate feeling as though I just want to get out of here. The days just slow down and I can't stand not feeling able to cope, not able to shake off that unhappy feeling altogether. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on my shoulders? I've struggled a lot with depression in this city since my Mum died and it's hard being inside four walls sometimes. I can't afford to live in the immediate area around my workplace so have a demanding commute there and back every day and I'm worried about work because it feels like everyone else knows what they're doing and I don't, no matter how hard I try. I love my job but I feel so hopeless and like I can't do anything right. Like I can't see a particularly bright future ahead of me me because I just don't feel competent enough. C x
  15. I know, right? Uncertainty is just awful and I'm always overthinking things over, wondering if there's something else I can do, wondering, 'Is this right, can I DEFINITELY do this, does it feel wrong, it feels wrong, can I do this, I wish someone could tell me this is definitely okay.' It feels like you're living between the lines and it's just terrible sometimes, which is why we then turn the circle and try to find an answer, the certainty. I guess in times like this we can tell ourselves that it's not us, it's the OCD, if it feels like OCD, then it is and the thoughts are not real and they are not us. C x