Jump to content

Cub

Bulletin Board User
  • Posts

    2,949
  • Joined

  • Last visited

1 Follower

About Cub

  • Birthday June 23

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Religious

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Somewhere in the West
  • Interests
    Poetry; reading; writing; Doctor Who; Sherlock; Glee; Darren Criss from Glee; spirituality

Recent Profile Visitors

6,216 profile views
  1. It's not your fault, Taurean. We're going to have relapses and look how well you do. Look how much you comfort and provide information. It's okay to need a sit-down occasionally. You're allowed to stop and regroup. For me, it's remembering that it's okay to feel the fear and do it anyway. It feels like jumping over a river everytime but it gets to the point where you barely realise you've done it. I'm still haunted by things from years ago but I remind myself to jump over the river. For me, I like soundscapes these days and ASMR sounds. Just sitting quietly and breathing; remembering that breath. Sometimes I'll be shaken up like a rattle. But that's okay. I've been in worse places and I know it'll get better. These feelings won't last forever. We're all here, and we're all doing okay. C x
  2. I know - thanks, guys. It felt important to share these things and honestly - the irony of the thing had me more than anything else. I worry about God but I don't seem so worried about the kids? Also, I can't do this 'getting-better' thing completely on my own; it's good to share my story and remind myself that others go through this - not for reassurance, but just for reminders. Cheers, C x
  3. Hi all, Been struggling lately and wanted to share a recent experience. I feel that it's important to share in order to keep recovery going and not letting it grip onto you; I've had to work very hard lately at not praying for forgiveness for 'bad thoughts' for remembering that it's flotsam and jetsam. It's been surprisingly hard. I'm also getting back into the habit of struggling to share my problems because I fear being judged. I'm an aunty to five beautiful niblings. The youngest is a year and a bit. A couple of weeks ago I was pushing his pram and we stopped by the side of the road. I had the horrifying idea of letting his pram go, but what horrified me even more was that I nearly did for a split-second; it was secure and stable and I think it would have been okay, but it was as if I realised what I was doing and immediately gripped back on. I obviously wouldn't have let the pram go into the road and I was surrounded by my family, and standing pretty fair back on the pavement, but I was tormented by the fact that I almost took my hands off the handle just for a second to test the stability of the thing. I felt terrible for hours afterwards, but I had to talk myself through it. I felt as though I had to feel the guilt, but I was there to help babysit and as harsh as it sounds 'didn't have time' to feel guilty. I had to tell myself it was OCD and get through it quickly. I'm really, really hoping that doesn't mean I'm psychopathic. I don't know if I should be proud of this. My OCD is lingering about again, trying to make me feel shame for other things, for 'not considering God enough' 'for being a disgrace' with certain behaviour. I couldn't help feeling slightly disgusted with myself for being so concerned about God, but getting rid of a worry about a child within a day. It feels like there's something wrong with me in that regard; that there's a sick irony here. That I worry about God, but I don't worry so much about the kids. There was also the fact that a few weeks ago, I was tormented by thoughts of bad things happening to my niece, and was scared that I 'wanted' the thoughts because I didn't chase them away. One minute I'm okay, but when the doubt gets hold of me again, it's hard to switch the guilt off, because I feel I should feel it; like I deserve to feel it even though it makes much more practical sense to keep going. I just find this unsettling and deeply ironic. I would die for my nieces and nephews but I know it's all very well saying that; I want to keep them safe and I know I can be trusted with them. But all this makes me feel as though there's something wrong with my priorities and my morals. Thanks for reading Best Cub x
  4. Hi all Me again. Apologies for disappearing once more; been a busy summer with family. I'm posting not because I expect answers but because I don't know where else to go. Last night I had terrible thoughts about my niece getting hurt in the most terrible way and I'm scared that I wanted them; because I let them in and shaped them for a few seconds before praying for forgiveness. I'm scared because there felt like an element of curiousity and I didn't shoo the thoughts away and carry on. I've been praying compulsively for forgiveness and have become very tired very quickly and feel as though I should be punishing myself and I don't deserve to relax. I've been struggling to read and concentrate since and have been going over mental rituals in my head to try and figure out if I meant to have the thoughts. I know thoughts don't matter and thoughts aren't me and it's what we do that counts, but this feels like it's clinging on and I'm struggling to cope and feeling very, very guilty. I would never, ever hurt my niece and I don't want her to get hurt by anyone else; I would die for her if I had to. But right now that feels irrelevant; it still doesn't change the fact that I let these thoughts take shape for a few seconds in my mind out of some kind of curiousity and I hate myself for it. I'm experiencing feelings of depression and anxiety and found it hard to get out of bed and it's hard to dismiss it as OCD when I let myself have the thoughts in the first place. My brother is here with his baby and I'm finding that a good distraction, which I know is important, but the guilt lingers and I worry about being alone with my thoughts because then I pray for forgiveness all over again but right now it just doesn't feel like enough because I feel I had a downright evil moment of allowing these images in my head. And how can I be around one child when I had bad thoughts about another? I confess I have been struggling with compulsive praying for some time and it's only recently that I have taken steps to try and combat it; it got to the point where I was praying for forgiveness for a lot of stuff in my head and I knew it had to stop. I just feel I made this happen and feel terrible; I know that if it feels like OCD, it probably is. But there is a stripe of severe, genuine guilt there which makes this feel more real and makes me feel more evil. I haven't told my brother because I don't want him to feel it's best to leave if I'm stressed out like this, or because it doesn't make me a good host. I don't know what to expect from this post; in my bones I want someone to tell me it's okay and I am not evil but I know that this is reassurance-seeking behaviour. I know what my psychologist would probably say and I know thoughts are just thoughts. But I wanted to share this in the hope that at the very least, I could get it out of my system. I know I still have some work to do - right now, however, my lines are blurred. C x
  5. Hello everyone I'm back again, after almost a three-year-long absence. The last time I was here was at the start of COVID. My current status is thus: I suffered from severe OCD for the first three months of the pandemic and considered suicide several times. I eventually went back on citalopram which took the edge off and gradually back to my senses. I'm back because over the past two weeks various things have happened at work which have prompted me to reassess myself. I'm about to move into my own place but am dreading it because I dread being alone with my thoughts and I seem to be struggling with time alone. This is when the OCD becomes the worst because I cannot, for the life of me, seem to stop worrying and now it feels like it's affecting my work-life balance. I dread being alone but I'm struggling in work; over the past two weeks, I was pulled in for a sickness meeting (my second in six months, having taken time off for mental health last year at various stages) and a lateness meeting (for which I received my first written warning that I've ever had, and a rather stern-talking to). I was also written up for a moment of stress in which I was inadvertedly rude to a superior, but other things were used against me as well, such as hurrying to get back to a position, and also moments when I've been on standby and have been quiet, when people have asked me about it, and I've just nodded with a grunt because I am dealing with various inward bad feelings at that time, or feeling overwhelmed and just waiting to hear what they need me to do next. During the talk other things were brought up; I have been quite sharp with customers over the last year and a couple of smaller things were mentioned over time; such as me being too loud when calling across to a customer to please leave a zone because we need it clear, holding up a hand to pause a customer while dealing with something else or clapping my hands at customers to get them to move along and make room for those behind. I just feel bad. The strain of the past few weeks has left me with severe anxiety, and a cough and a cold and I've been under so much strain. I worry so much about different things and I've managed to get myself in trouble in every single job I've ever been in. I just wonder if because perhaps I'm not dealing with my anxiety - maybe I need to try harder in therapy, or heighten my citalopram - it's affecting my work-life because I get impatient and snappish a lot, or just want to be quiet. I am still worried about things, and I still ruminate and I can't seem to imagine a life without it. I feel like a prisoner and also like a failure. I would really appreciate some advice from others right now. I feel very upset with it all and I wonder if I could try harder. My first ever psychologist said I didn't need medication; am I just beating around the bush? C x
  6. Hi guys Happy New Year. Sorry not to have been around for a long time and thankyou for your responses. I'm really not okay at the moment - I'm feeling very depressed and sad and don't want to do anything. I'm almost afraid to go back to counselling because I'm scared of being judged for leaving it so long and I'm also scared it might not be the right help. But I feel as though I've had all the help under the sun I could possibly get; so many psychologists, therapists and counsellors and I'm on antidepressants for the third time. This feels like all my fault and like I don't deserve to be happy. I haven't been happy for the last eleven years; surely it's got to be something I'm doing wrong? It feels so much harder than it was when I was a kid. I feel ashamed for the compulsions I currently have; a friend told me last summer how she'd prayed to God to change her and it's had a negative influence. I'm doing the same thing now and it hurts so much because I feel like every time I do it, I'm cutting myself to the bone and follow it up with a prayer of 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean that,' and feeling guilty that I said something and apologised for something I don't mean. I feel like such a letdown and like I can't be left alone anymore. I'm very depressed and when my dad and stepmum have tried to comfort me, I've asked to be left alone. My stepbrother isn't helping either; he and his wife have taken over two other rooms in the house so I feel I have nowhere to escape to and I'm just in my room, and last week he was rude to my dad and I following a misunderstanding over a situation regarding his mother and never apologised. I just feel I'm a bad daughter, bad sister, and a bad friend and I honestly feel as though I want to end it. I cannot describe just how much I hate myself. This is never ever going to get better and if it's not going to get better then I might as well end it now. Thankyou for the support, the responses and for reading. C x
  7. Hugs to you both. I'm older than you two but socialising at uni is very difficult. I was an awkward kid and didn't really fit in but luckily the people I lived with were understanding. As you go through your twenties you'll meet loads of different people. I lived in Cardiff for three years, moving there two years after I graduated for work and I had such trouble making friends and was very, very lonely - as well as very bored and isolated on a daily basis and so was sluggish and depressed. I finally found friends in my current job. It's okay if you don't quite fit somewhere. Just keep an eye out. You'll find your tribe. ?
  8. Hi y'all How are we all doing? My workplace closed on Wednesday (FOR THE THIRD TIME!) due to London moving into tier 3 so I'm at leisure again. Quite pleased to have some time to myself and finish my dad's cross-stitch for Christmas. I'm doing okay generally but I'm still having trouble with things and I'm worried that this one is going to cause offence; if it does, I'm truly sorry. My problem right now is that I'm constantly hit by urges to go online and look up things that I know will upset and trigger me, even though I know that they're nothing to do with me. My obsession is with sexuality - I keep looking up stories of people who have decided to repress/deny their true sexuality for the sake of religion; I don't agree with it, and yet I keep feeling drawn to the stories of those who do it. I don't know why - maybe to test my reaction and seek assurance that I'm doing enough on my own path, and that I haven't missed anything. I do it on Google, twitter, tumblr...it's not good. It's nothing to do with me and it's not good. I'm just constantly seeking assurance about theology, and where there's ;people of faith who repress and deny there's people of faith who celebrate this and wondering if God wants me to do things I don't want to do, and wondering if I have to do them. But I get so upset and switch off after a few moments; I don't know if God wants me to take a hard path with myself and deny myself; to listen to these people's testimonies and to be more like them, which I don't want. I'm so confused. I'm sorry to be so weird. I feel awful about this and I hate myself. I've looked this up so many times and I'm tired. I know how selfish and terrible I sound and I'm tired. It takes a lot of distraction to take myself away from it. I'm much better than I was but these urges still linger. I'm having counselling and my citalopram is helping but I hate myself for these specific obsessions and don't know how to share them. I must be a bad person to feel this way. C x
  9. Hi Malina Thankyou for the kindness. I'm doing okay; just feeling generally unhappy. I feel guilty and like I'm to blame. I'm reflecting on the fact that I'm feeling upset and sad and that I've been less happy over the past year than I have been for a while. I'm not quite sure what else to write tonight - only that I'm tired of myself and feel I don't deserve all the support I'm getting. Maybe I would be better off dead. C x
  10. Hi everyone Hope you're all well. I haven't been around for a while as I've been adjusting to being back at work and then going on lockdown once more. But I'm back today. I'm feeling tentatively proud of myself because it's been a week today since my work closed and I'm managing to keep it more or less together (more or less). I'm still struggling and having the occasional suicidal thought, but I have a great support network of friends, and I have some cross-stitch projects to keep my occupied (as well as Sister Sister on Netflix ? ) I'm not the best at looking after my mental health; I'm trying, I'm really trying, but it's difficult. I'm going out for walks as often as I can and that helps enormously - that and the fact that the Citalopram is slowly working - but I still feel a bit empty. The biggest issue is my compulsions; I keep thinking I 'have' to say prayers that I don't actually mean, but it's like some part of me wants to say them and then I get really confused. I ask for forgiveness over very specific issues; I had a problem earlier in the summer and I asked a friend's advice about it. She responded by telling me that had surrendered to God to change her even though she didn't want to change and it got me thinking I should do the same thing. But every time I do, I just feel fake and I ask God for forgiveness for saying the prayer in the first place. I just seem to be struggling every day; I'm scared I'll never be happy again and every day will be the same mental health battle. I'm scared I'm always going to be like this and I'll never appreciate what's in front of me. I'm slowly realising just how ill I was this year and it's frightening to think of all that time wasted. Sorry to sound so pathetic. But it's like even when I'm happy, the OCD is always there, ready to jump out at me. What if I'm going around in circles for the rest of my life because I'm not trying hard enough to be a better person and accept God's forgiveness? What then? I know God is all-loving but I feel like a letdown, undeserving and a failure, all the same. C x
  11. Hi Iron Many congratulations on the pregnancy! I understand this must be a stressful time for you. If the baby is only a few weeks along does that mean you haven't formally announced it yet and so might currently be dealing with it on your own without outside support? That's bound to make things more stressful. Let's be honest; this has been a very stressful time for everyone especially obsessive-compulsives and yes, we're being hit with a lot of contrary information. I find there is no shame in taking a step back - it sounds like you're trying your best and just want to protect your wife, child and expecting. Just do what you can - wear your mask and wash your hands constantly. If it's any consolation, at my workplace we've had people without masks, pregnant ladies, young babies etc. You say that you're researching - would that be a compulsion? I have trouble with Googling too. Just be kind to yourselves and each other and let go of what you can't control. C x
  12. Hi Cas I've been where you are with the not-eating; isn't it horrible? I lost weight over lockdown because I felt so bad. But of course you deserve to have kindness and support from your family! I had similar fears to you - just as I feared never being allowed to be happy. I understand that feeling well. But of course you're allowed. C x
  13. Hi everyone How are we all? I've had a bit of a saga today; I went into work as was due but we have to fill out a covid questionnaire. I was feeling very tired and have had funny tummy; more an anxiety thing than anything but I decided to flag it up to the TLs to be on the safe side. Long story short, I've been sent home until further notice. I'm struggling so hard at the moment and I don't enjoy anything anymore. All I do is lie in bed on my days off and scroll on my phone. I can't seem to be happy. I keep thinking that maybe I'm doing stuff wrong but don't have the courage to change or cut things out of my life that may not be good for me, and may be adding to my uncertainty or unhappiness due to my anxiety, but which I can't seem to let go. I'm fully aware there are more important things out there; maybe I'm thinking in black and white terms. I'm just so tired all the time and feel unhappy generally - the main issue, though? I can't seem to stop worrying. All I seem to do is worry and fret. I had an anxiety attack the other night and it doesn't take much to set me off and after being sent home today I wondered if it might be time to end my life; I seriously considered just jumping off the motorway bridge. I don't think I have the courage to change and that makes me worse. I feel really scared and lonely and don't know who to turn to. I feel useless and like a failure. C x
  14. I'd like to recommend the OCD Work book's partner - Everyday Mindfulness for OCD. It's a wonderful book that's really helped me and taken the edge off some of my compulsions.
  15. I can only imagine how stressful that must be. I'd like to recommend another book if I may, one that's helped me - Everyday Mindfulness for OCD. It has been greatly helpful in my own life. One particular piece of advice is when the urge hits - let it run naturally for a minute and let the sludge out and then let the water run clear. Give yourself that beat of time. I don't know how useful that advice is to you but it's useful to me. Your fears of contamination are quite like my own fears of my thoughts and actions - thinking that everything needs to be contained, that hyper-responsibility. It's not your fault. You're just like this because you're a good, caring person. C x
×
×
  • Create New...