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Bulletin Board User
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About Cub

  • Birthday June 23

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Somewhere in the West
  • Interests
    Poetry; reading; writing; Doctor Who; Sherlock; Glee; Darren Criss from Glee; spirituality

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
  • Type of OCD

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  1. I'm relearning some of my old CBT techniques; such as - what's the worst that could happen, if I had this thought? What does it matter? I've also found some new passions that have really helped me break down my walls and they've done me a lot of good - my Dad happily noted the other day that I was writing again. One of the most important things my doctor ever told me was that I do put pressure on my shoulders and that's not going to get me anywhere - nor will ruminating. I'm able to distract myself and remind myself that going over and over something is not going to change the outcome and will make my obsessions worse; tangle me further in the weeds. Let's see how we get along with that. And, as people above point out: trying to forgive myself for past mistakes I've made as a human-being and it's more beneficial to be kind to myself, rather than hurt myself over something I can't change; I'll always arrive at the same muddle I was in to start with. I don't know how healthy some of you will consider this, but I'm living back with my Dad for the time-being and I feel a lot better being at home than I was being away. I know that sounds strange, because familiarity can trigger OCD but my childhood home has changed a lot since I went away and my Dad's a really easygoing guy. I'm just getting on with the day and find I have lots of things to do - helping around the house, taking the dog for a walk, which is good for me as it means I get out in the fields and the sunshine and I get some exercise. We live in the country, so it's good for me, at least for a few weeks, while I'm looking for a new job. I'm rather anxious about leaving home again, depending on circumstances, but the short version is that yes: family helps. I don't want to lean on them all the time, though. I'm writing again as well and one of the characters I'm writing around has anxiety, so I find a lot of empathy and exploration in his character; it's helped me get a better grip on my own fears and it means I'm producing something after spending so long feeling stuck in writer's block, which contributed to my anxiety and depression. I've been reminded that I worry because I care and I hold myself to high standards. It's good to have passion back in my life for the time-being. I don't always feel I deserve to be happy because of past sins, but this feels like an improvement over what I used to feel. So for me, personally, that's where I am. Also: eating less chocolate! It's just good to be busy and surround yourself with people who love you. I tend to try and fight this on my own but every now and then, it's okay to accept help. Make sure you always accept help, if you can find it. C x
  2. That's exactly what I meant! Cheers for clarificiation, Taurean. Sorry, I was actually listening to it while writing and it's oddly disconcerting to write one thing when you're listening to something else.
  3. I have the Mindfulness book and accompanying soundtrack of Mark Williams and Danny Penman on my iPod. They've been lifesavers when I'm feeling overwhelmed; my doctor recommended them a couple of years ago, and they really help. Even the soothing voice on the mindfulness exercises alone, which guide you through the breathing exercises necessary, is enough on its own! As Taurean says, it will help you be. My brain got a little over-frantic today, so I often use it to soothe my brain and calm it down when I'm feeling particularly over-excitable, or like I want to do everything at once. Fully recommend it! C x
  4. Sorry guys.

    Why on earth do you need to apologise for that? You're perfectly entitled to have a break; it's what you need, it's your personal needs and that's absolutely fine. Please don't feel you have to say sorry. C x
  5. That's made me feel so much better, Snowbear. Thankyou so much. I've been stressing out about it so badly. I think my anxiety is going to follow me wherever I go; you're right, the trick is learning to deal with it. Thankyou for helping me approach the interview with a more open mind. C x
  6. Hi y'all Hope you're all alright today and that you all have a good weekend. I've been at home with my dad and have re-registered with my old doctor, whom I had an appointment with today. He was very keen to know about my state of mind, as he hasn't seen me for three years and the last time he saw me I was having a tough time. We chatted about the OCD and I explained I hadn't been altogether happy living away from home and he explained that OCD thoughts, while only thoughts, can sometimes control us. He made me feel a bit better and said he'd be on hand to help me regarding the antidepressants or anything like that. I have a job-interview on Monday and I'm really nervous about it and don't think I can sleep properly. It's a big deal and I'm scared if I don't get it I'll wind up a jobless and hopeless failure with gaps in my CV. I've seen this unemployment thing happen to other people and I feel the older you get, the less you can afford gaps in your career. I love being home but I know I can't stay. I've been thinking about the last three years I had in Wales and I just had this anxiety rattling in my head all the time. All the time. I couldn't help it. Now, I'm feeling better, because I'm not ruminating and I'm learning it won't get me anywhere; it's like I've taken the leap of faith and jumped clear over the bridge because now I feel I can think. But I've been worrying for years and years and I'm so scared I've wasted my twenties with it all. Granted, it hasn't been an easy ride, what with the death of my Mum and moving to Wales on my own and I only turned 27 a few months back. I just feel like I won't ever be allowed to be happy and happiness is something I can't afford and that I won't get. Granted, I'm a lot happier now than I was a few months ago, but I wish I could go out into the world and not worry. I feel better because I'm not lonely, because I'm in a better quality of living, because I'm doing things I want to do, because I'm applying the 'what does it matter' logic but I can't stop the anxiety and I'm scared if I leave home again, it'll come back once I'm gone. I really struggled in Wales day by day and felt I was being smothered and that I couldn't think, couldn't do the things I wanted to do, couldn't go outside sometimes. I'm so glad to be out of there. I'm so scared I'll never be the person I was and that I'll never be able to fight the OCD again and that I'll never be strong enough. My grandma has dementia and I look at all the people in her nursing home and fear that I'll end up like that one day because I won't be able to cope mentally, won't be able to give myself structure and will always be worrying. It's like it's swallowing me up. I'm hanging on tight and I'm going to keep working on myself; but I can't stop that tired strain behind my eyes that's stopping me from engaging and I think there's a lot of pressure and stress there that I'm bottling up because I get so stressed so easily. I've often been scared to talk about my fears directly in case I make it worse and I just think I've fallen down and don't have a full repertoire of strength to deal with it like I used to. I'm exhausted with it and it feels a lot harder than it used to be and it feels like it's all my fault. Thanks for reading this. C x
  7. Yeah, don't worry, Bobby; I've been there too. It's like a constant rattling in your head, am I right? I've had problems like that for years; you feel you need to address the issue. Changing perception is very precious; asking yourself; 'what does it matter' for example.
  8. Honestly Helen, I want to give you such a big cuddle right now because this is exactly where I've been, having been diagnosed with OCD of a religious nature when I was 17 after two years of suffering following my return to church. I don't think I can add anymore to what's been said but I think you sound like a genuinely lovely person and you just want to do good. I've been having this struggle for so many years and it's only recently that I've reached something better. What I will tell you is that as time goes on, you will realise that none of us are saints and we can only do our best. Religious scrupolisity is not a blessing and I don't think my first psychologist, who was a Christian theologist, would agree with that either; when I opened up to my vicar about my thoughts, she told me to leave them by the cross. He wrinkled his nose when I told her what she'd said and said he'd have to disagree; we needed good old-fashioned CBT to help me feel better! During my first year at Uni I became a lot less rigid, bit by bit; I met loads of people and one of my friends was from a devoutly Christian background (like, Bible-belt-connected background) and she taught me a lot because she smoked, drank, skipped lectures, made filthy jokes and had a tattoo; yet her belief in God was steadfast. True, those were her younger years but that helped really open my eyes - she wasn't trying to be perfect because she knew that God would love her regardless. (I also read a lot of Dorothy Koomson during this time and that lightened me up a little more!) And so on it went. I'm 27 and I still struggle; I don't come from a devout background but my relationship with God remains and I've only recently got to a point where I feel okay with going to a church service. I've had many issues of morality over the years but I'm finding that rigidity is not going to get me anywhere and if I worry about every little thing then I'll never be truly happy. Maybe that sounds a little shallow, but I have to have faith that God understands me and loves me for who I am because I was terrified, as a teenager, that God no longer loved me for the thoughts I'd had. I'm a work in progress and to be honest, if I'm a little bit naughty, then it helps my OCD levels. My psychologist himself told me to be so. I'm still finding my balance and I'm reconsidering CBT but I have a moral code and I'll be darned if I'm not sticking to it! I promise you, you're going to be fine. Let yourself be naughty. Trust yourself and your heart. You're still on your journey and you're not alone, with any of this. C x
  9. What Rucker said. It's kind of the right sort of reassurance that everybody is going through similar stuff. After all, at the end of the day, it's only OCD.
  10. Awesome plans! Thanks guys. I think I had that problem through the summer; didn't go out enough and didn't let enough sun in.
  11. Oh, bless her heart. I'm so sorry for your daughter's distress; this is classic, classic OCD and even I, who have been suffering OCD from a young age and know all the tricks, had this last year about people around me and who I cared about. Is your daughter able to seek help where she is? It's probably harder, her being away from home; I've been in situations like that before, so I get it. Just let her know that this is absolutely normal, it's part of OCD and she will be fine - she will be absolutely fine with the right coping techniques. She just needs to look after herself and remind herself that it's just a thought and it's not her, it's OCD. Can she get to this forum - does she have computer access? She'd be very welcome and we might be able to help her more. C x
  12. Hi all Just wanted to report that I went to church over the weekend - not just any church, like a really evangelical Christian service and I didn't freak out. Going to church has become slowly easier as time's been going on - I've been going to Evensong when I can and I don't feel so scared. It's still a bit funny; I actually went down to the front to pray with some of the others - I know it'll sound a bit strange to some, but I guess I just wanted to pray for guidance with my OCD and getting a handle on it. A volunteer came up to pray for me and when I told her what I was looking for, she said some really nice stuff and asked for relaxation and help for me, to be helped chemically. She'd worked with people with OCD before - and don't get me wrong, I know this isn't a quick-fix cure and I can't expect to get better overnight; I have to think in cognitive terms and try and resist the compulsions. But it felt kind of nice and it helped. My job has officially ended and I'm now on redundancy - obviously it's no fault of mine, it's just natural circumstances, but I hope I can fully focus on going forwards and not look backwards, but that's something I'm struggling with. I've come home to spend a few days with my dad and figure out what to do next but I feel kind of afraid about where I'll end up. I've had a lot of 'drag days' in my spare time and it can be very hard; I tend to just... disappear into my room and although I do go out when I can, even if it's just to read a book in the park. I just feel so trapped in my own head so much sometimes and my dad's been a bit worried about me being alone. I don't want to depend on other people to make me feel better and I need to help myself but it can be so hard to be alone with a rattling head of anxieties. I don't want my dad to think I'm not giving this life my all. I just wonder if I should have tried harder in the time I've had in that city, because I can feel so alone and adrift and everything just feels overwhelming. At home, I feel I can breathe, but I know I can't stay and want to go back out there. I just feel I haven't tried enough in my free time to be happy and I just wish I had more confidence. I spend a lot of time in my room and though my friends have told me not to hide myself, it's like I get so overwhelmed with everything and I almost don't want to go outside. I just wish I could be comfortably introverted; I've had so many drag days and it just seems to set a precedent. I just want to help myself. Anyway, that's that. I'm just going to watch Glee for a bit. C x
  13. So, I was really unhappy last night but today was the first really good mental health day I've had in a long time. No pressure, no demands and I met a friend for coffee. Now, need to get to bed and get ready for work tomorrow.
  14. Hi Petal It's okay - I get it, I really do. Having moments of happiness and relief that our OCD is determined to ruin, because we're so used to being miserable. Just keep busy and think of it as walking over wooden planks on top of lava, or floating safely at the surface of a deep ocean. You've obviously been triggered by your work, but it will pass. Just stay busy and distracted and don't forget to take time out for yourself. <3 C x
  15. Guilt and shame

    Paul, you are obviously a chap who is way too hard on himself. You clearly have morals and you're obviously a decent guy. But that's what OCD does to one; makes them feel bad. We've all had strange moments in our lives when we've done stupid things; I've had moments of pure idiocy that I wish I could undo. I often don't feel deserving of love, or of the love of the God I believe in. But we're TRYING. We're doing our best, day by day and isn't that a wonderful thing? I understand what you mean about losing passion - I've had that, but it does return, sooner of later; I love writing and being in the online fandoms, for example and I got to a place where I felt very alone; couldn't write, couldn't enjoy anything. But I've had a shake-up and now I feel some of the passion start to return. Also, I'm 27 and it's looking increasingly likely that I'm going to have to return home to live with my Dad due to my job ending. My dad's already been a great help to me financially and to my eldest brother. Dude, you're 25 and we are living in an age where no-one in their twenties can do anything without help, because of the blooming economy. You are definitely not alone. And 25 isn't very old, anyway; I had only recently struck out on my own when I was that age. I understand that being at home is deeply demoralising at times but don't put so much pressure on yourself at such a young age to do everything alone. I've got friends older than me who still rely on family for help. It's absolutely nothing to feel bad about. I'm worried that I won't be able to live a normal life as well and have friends - it seems we're both rather depressed. Your post does sound very sad and you sound like you need a bit of extra help. I've been in a very similar mindset, so I do get it, man, I really do. I too feel like I don't quite fit in but it doesn't mean I don't have friends - they'll reach out and ask me if I'm okay if they think I've gone too quiet, or help me with something, or forgive me when I'm snappish. That's what friends do. And we're young; we're still finding our way. I'm sorry that you're having nightmares; and if you don't mind me saying so, it might be time to see a doctor, Paul. They won't judge; they'll just want you to get better. I've caused some upsets recently and I'm trying to make it right; you need to be the person you are now and forgive yourself for the past - although it's much easier said than done. If you can, see a GP and see what's next. We've all got your back. C x