Ariel

Thanks for the replies guys, always appreciated. Life just feels like one massive battle after another right now. Today I went out to get stamps, a half hour trip took over two hours because of all the rituals that go with it. Exhausted and at my wits end with myself. We then rounded the day off with another row. Honestly I can't blame him for having run out of patience as life with me is a nightmare. Sadly he sees my difficulty in making steps towards recovery as a sign that I don't love him or care enough about our relationship. To me, my illness and him are not related like that. Explained this but I get nowhere. He just thinks I am selfish and take him for granted.

Sorry if that sounds dramatic but I'm just at a loss. My ocd continues to worsen to the point where it rules every waking hour. It is very hard to do anything without it being ruined or made very difficult by my ocd. My partner has completely ran out of patience and we argue frequently. We are on the verge of a break-up unless I can start to make some positive changes. But I'm just lost in the darkness. Feeling very low and helpless really, I just cannot see the way forward. Currently on a waiting list for further cbt and fully aware of what that will entail. My partner thinks I should make a start with exposure at home as I have done with previous cbt therapists. For some reason though, it all feels so much harder right now. Even the small things which I used to be able to manage cause me too much anxiety now. Everything is becoming a huge struggle and I am so tired of feeling worried constantly about ridiculous things. Would it be too much to ask to have a normal life with normal worries?

Hi both Thanks so much for your replies. Itsonlynatural you're right, ocd is ocd and at the end of the day the treatment is the same. Snowbear, you sound so strong willed. So wish I could change my number. For me, it's about never doing anything three times. This totally takes over my life from how many places I visit, food I eat, how many times I got upstairs, how many times I turn the tv on, how many times I go to the loo, etc etc. As you can imagine it's exhausting and more and more I find it easier to avoid doing things rather than having to spend ages ensuring I've avoided the number. Just can't see a way out of the cycle it's been going on so long.

Hi all I'm on a long waiting list for more intensive cbt but after quite a long spell of "manageable" ocd it's suddenly gotten all consuming again. I've got a couple of good books etc but I'm struggling. The books talk about the sense of responsibility and how our compulsions can relieve this. I can't relate to this. My ocd revolves around avoiding a number and doing anything that number of times which is all consuming. I have got to the point where it's a real battle to leave the house again and my job and relationship are under immense strain. However, when it comes to facing my problem and what I worry will happen doing something that many times the problem is anxiety itself. I am terrified of the worry it causes and that it will never end. I have found on occasions events happen out of my control the feelings really do longer and I remember them days later. So my battle is he to even begin to tackle this. Many lovely folk on here seem to have more obsessional issues which revolve around them being terrible people for thinking these thoughts, mine is just not like that. I would love a referral to a real specialist to get to grips with this as completely desperate and at a loss. Thanks x

Mine too is struggling, which is terrifying but I still can't get better ?

Hi Everyone It has been ages since I last posted anything on here, years in fact. Like many of you, I have been on a rollercoaster with ocd for about 10 years now. As a bit of background, I started with general anxiety which soon started to show ocd traits (not that I knew it at the time, if only I had though!). Since then I have gone through varying degrees of wellness/illness from being almost housebound to pretty much ok and able to live a nice life, have a job etc. However, despite in more recent years learning to manage my compulsions, my partner prompted me to seek out treatment again as he found it hard to live with some of my behavours. A year or so ago I revisted the doctor and got a course of 12 or so bouts of cbt through the nhs. This seemed to to help better than previous attemps and I got on well with the therapist which helped. We made some small progress which I was thrilled with. She then suggested I be referred onto a more long-term cbt service where they can see you for a more indefinite amount of time which seemed sensible based upon the improvements I'd made with her. However, part of this referral was the demand for me to go onto Citalopram. I have always refused medication for this condition, for various reasons but I was literally being refused treatment without it. Don't get me started on the morality of this! So basically I was a bit naughty and told them I was taking it when I wasn't. So now, I am on their list at number 18 and counting so it will be a while before I see anyone. Unfortunately I have had quite a bad relapse in symptons a couple off weeks ago due to a really bad trigger that I could not fix. This seems to have heightened my anxiety and made me notice every little thing I do. I am anxious a lot of the time and have experienced numerous episodes of panic that last a long time and prevent me functioning, eating etc. I'm now actually feeling really terrified about what is happening to me and the massive step back I have taken. It has also started to affect my relationship with my partner. I don't deal with the anxiety well, it lurks in my mind and infiltrates everything I do. It takes over me completely so that I can't think about or do anything else. How do other people deal with this? I've made an appointment with my surgery but know that they will suggest medication. Is this the only way, will it really help me? I want to be strong, hell, I just want to be normal! I'm scared, very scared. Sorry, that was longer than I thought! Well done if you read it all!

Thanks Lottie, a small but significant step indeed - I just need to continue with it I guess. And ADD the secret is to spin along with it, easier said than done!

Hi all It's been years since I posted anything on here! Trying to jump back on the recovery wagon after years of giving in to ocd. A lot has changed in this time, a new partner, our own home - a lot of things I never thought possible! But there is always one constant - the daily ocd battle. But in a philosophical mood the other day when I got ocd'd (my new term for when I get triggered or am doing a ritual etc) I hated it and instantly got "the fear". But as it was something I couldn't easily remedy through a compulsion I had to walk on. And afterwards I thought to myself, well hey the world keeps on spinning whether I go back and fix it or not. Yeah it feels terrible for a time, but now I am looking back at it a few days later thinking pah in your face ocd I got through it and the world didn't end. Small steps but important ones. Always look forward but learn from what is behind you, much love peeps.

I think I'm stark raving bonkers most of the time. In a similar way to you though, I know my thoughts are not mine and that they are a result of my ocd. When I'm feeling ok like now, I can laugh it off. However, when in the throws of a major panic, it all suddenly feels very really and isn't so funny anymore. Also, it depends on your definition of madness and sanity - not necesarily that cut and dry but more like a continuum.

Why has my ocd suddenly started to get worse? I'm exhausted trying to keep up with it and still get on with day to life. It's making me ill, I don't sleep. Sorry, I'm using this page just to vent and moan. At my lowest ebb over the last few weeks as it feels like I'm taking a massive step back. I don't know what to do and feel I have no control over what's happening to me.

I totally know what you mean! If I don't do a ritual and overcome it, I don't feel great about it - I'm terrified to the point of thinking "blimey that was bad better not do that again"! Really having a tough time at the moment. It's all come back so much worse and I don't know why. Feeling really desperate and don't know how to beat this. I'm not strong enough to stand up to this. I'm crumbling.

Yeah, I find mine has good and bad spells. Bad at the moment though. Still worrying about what happened today and how there is no way I can go back and make it right now. Not good. Feel like my world could come tumbling down around my ears. Major panics coming on.

Hm, throw yourself in at the deep end or face things gradually? I'd prefer the gradula option, but what if you aren't given a choice? I was faced with a situation at work today that meant I either had to face up to a fear, or make everyone in the meeting think i was stark raving bonkers. I opted for the former but am now really worried as this particular instance was around one of my biggest fears. I know they are only thoughts, but they feel rather powerful and I'm now worried that this anxiety I am feeling will never go away. So sick of this. It should feel like a break through, facing this big event. But it wasn't through choice and it all feels a bit too much. Need help. But there isn't any out there that can stop me feeling so awful.

I'm going to be good here and not give you any reassurance You said it yourself, you need to not ruminate about it too much as it's not real, it's the ocd making you think this way. Easier said than done I know.

Hey, it sounds like you are in a self perpetuating circle! The more you dream of your ex the more you have him on your mind. Therefore, the next time you go to sleep it's on your mind so you dream of him again! I dream of my ex sometimes, but try not to read into it too much as like you said you really have no control of your dreams.