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jitterbug

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    Sufferer

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  1. I'm so pleased to hear that, Emsie! You're rocking this, chic. ;) I'm happy to try and contribute if need be, don't forget!
  2. Oh, I'm so pleased to hear you found some comfort at least! Advice is always the easiest thing to give and the hardest to actually take. I'm exactly like you and 100% understand what you mean about fearing appointments for the after effects and having the constant worries and doubts possibly changing what what actually said. I find phone consultations the absolute hardest as I'm anxious on the phone anyway and feel like as soon as I hang up and I'm back alone at home, it'll all go. I think you just have to develop what little tricks and things work for you personally to be able to lighten the worrying. I know it's not easy though and not to sound patronising but it sounds like you managed it amazingly. A second opinion is always a good thing, especially if you're worrying about it anyway. Just think of it as freebie reassurance! You're not asking for it or giving into yourself, it was offered to you. It's good your husband was able to come with you, I find that always helps having someone you can double check with if you're feeling forgetful or like you may need a firmer/other perspective. It's great you were able to openly mention your ocd too - I'm not that brave and haven't been able to do so so I envy that! If you were able to distract yourself at all afterwards, then you really owned that whole afternoon, Emsie; well done. I know from experience how hard (albeit beneficial) it is so really pleased you were able to do that. I know the next few days are gonna be a little tricky and you can't distract yourself or turn off your thoughts 24/7. Just know that you will start worrying about it occasionally and that's ok. Anyone would. It's the dwelling that leads to complications, isn't it, so just allow yourself to think whatever it is for a moment and then step right over it. Tell yourself that while it's a natural thought to have, there's no point 'what if-ing' or worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. Kindly tell your brain that you'll keep it in mind and have to just wait and see what is said at the appointment before you waste excessive energy on it.You can't see the future, after all. Again, I know it's not easy and lord knows I could be called a hypocrite for even offering advice in the first place but if it works enough so you can even manage to combat a percentage of those worries, that's still better than it would have been and some much needed breaks! Do let us know how you get on and if you need any more venting space/advice (not that it'll definitely be useful! )
  3. Hello! Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's health at the moment. Glands swell up for a lot of reasons - not just cancers - as these are storehouses for our white blood cells, which as we know, fight all sorts of infections. Swollen nodes in the neck are particularly symptomatic of minor things like colds and ear infections and it's extremely possible, if your daughter's glands are swollen that it's just a minor infection. More serious things only really tend to start become relevant if the swelling has been consistently present for much longer than you've noticed. I know it's hard not to worry, trust me, I do and even speaking of scary things such as cancer are daunting but I'm only mentioning that to try to put your mind a little at ease - it's good to face up to words that hold emotional power, isn't it? As for you, I would say at this stage, try not to worry about the OCD. You're a mum before you're a 'sufferer' and this response it both perfectly justified, and I hasten to add, responsible. Definitely go and talk to the Dr. for both your sake. However - I definitely have to concur that the temptation to latch onto something ambiguous, some slight expression or even worse, go over and over what was said berating yourself for not having said 'this' or 'that' is OCD. I can absolutely relate. I'm exactly the same to the point where a 10 minute appointment will turn into hours of sitting wasting time over-thinking what was said or worrying about ambiguity. I can't offer too much advice obviously, or I wouldn't be in the same boat as you still (!) but I can tell you a little of what I know could help me. Write down any burning questions you have or anything YOU need to know before you walk out of that room. Don't give yourself an excuse to obsess about not getting answers. If your doctor knows about your condition, or even if he/she doesn't, it may be worth mentioning that you're feeling a little anxious about this and it's as much for your need to be reassured as it is to get your daughter checked. This may open up a more thorough line of communication between you if they know they need to be clear. If you still feel like you need to push for further clarity - SAY so. They won't begrudge a worried mother some comfort. And finally, distract yourself afterwards. I know this will be the hardest, trust me. But it helps. Make a deal with yourself. Pop to the shop (or equivalent) to pick up anything you need, or even a small treat and use that time to quietly solidify in your mind what was said. When you get home, put music on. Do some housework. Have some fun. Go for a walk with your ipod. Anything that will bring you away from that thought process for long enough to re-energise yourself. The more tired and frustrated we get about going over things without giving ourselves a break, the worse it gets. Even if you find yourself thinking it over again, you'll at least feel a little fresher about it with some time off. You might need to be a little forceful with yourself but I do hope you can try and give yourself a little break. At the very least, tell yourself there's no point going over it twice. Wait until your husband is there to discuss it and raise any questions/concerns you have then. There's no point burning yourself out over answers you can't pull from thin air. Try not to think about it until you need to tell him later. Apologies if this wasn't helpful but I've been where you are re: appointments and I know how irritating it can be afterwards. This is what I can think to tell you at the moment! I hope it helps even a little?
  4. Thank you very much for your quick reply. I don't think I was clear enough before though, sorry. The assessment was after a referral from my GP, done by a 'psychologist' and it was her letter (also forwarded to the GP) that stated this. She also said that no further treatment would be given at that centre and advised that I seek counselling through alternate services and no follow up is taking place. As far as assessments go, that was it. However, I'm finding it really hard at the moment getting hung up on the fact that I left a fair amount out, she didn't seem to listen to some of what I said and the little question mark preceeding the sentence. I don't know how I can go for counselling when I'm doubting the standard of assessment and unsure of the validity of diagnosis. I'm not sure what the answer is but my mind seems to be preoccupied with it all and I'm finding it difficult to know what to do.
  5. I’m supposed to be studying right now but I’ve been sat here for over 2 hours now just worrying about what to do about something. – I keep meaning to sign up to the online talking service my GP recommended, or failing that, find somewhere less ‘ongoing’ that I can go to for a little support for ‘my GAD’, OCD etc, but the same thing seems to stop me every time and I can’t see an out. The assessment I had was much less than satisfactory, with the lady having a very cold demeanour and (I felt) not really listening to most of what I was trying to say. She made me feel very anxious and on the spot and I clammed up somewhat, not really saying a lot of I went to talk about and missing things out. A while later, I got the report and was surprised to see it did actually echo what I originally got referred for, however, before ‘GAD’ there was a little question mark. I know it sounds really silly but the fact that I didn’t go into all the details properly at the assessment and the fact that that horrid little question mark is sitting there before the sentence plays on my mind so much that I worry that the question mark means I don’t really have it, that the diagnosis wasn’t official, the assessment wasn’t proper, and I can’t tell anyone about it or seek any advice/support for it because it’s not really officially real and I can’t bring myself to tell anyone “I have GAD” or “I need to talk about GAD” if I don’t know for certain that I properly do. So I just spend a few hours worrying about what to do and never doing anything. I'm also worried that because I didn't go into everything properly, the diagnosis isn't legitimate. I left a fair amount out because of how she made me feel and the report mentioned a more 'obsessional focused' ocd, whereas it's more of an even split. I know it sounds very complicated but this is a recurring issue for me and I don’t know what to do about it as I don’t want to annoy my GP by taking this there and there’s no one else to ask. I don’t even know if there is a solution. Has anyone had a similar experience or assessment letter? Any advice?
  6. I was wondering 'cause I can't seem to find an answer online if anyone else has this or knows of this as part of OCD or if it's just me or something else (It's hard to tell sometimes where one stops and another begins as I'm sure everyone feels) I change my mind constantly. Like, within a couple of minutes constantly. I am so changeable in what I want to do right then or whatever it is that I can be in the middle of thinking I DEFINITELY am in the mood for that, want to do that etc and a minute later, it's gone or changed to something else. This is a daily occurrence and really quite frustrating when I've just gone to get what I wanted to do or end up doing nothing 'cause I can't stop changing my mind. Just wondered if anyone else experienced the same?
  7. Thank you both for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. I really relate to the 'OCD being your friend' comment sometimes, Tricia. It's odd because right now I know there have been time when of course I must have been very distressed and not wanted to deal with something but it's hard to recall. It sort of feels to me at the moment like it's sort of who I am, and I need to know and understand who I am. Therefore I'm okay with it if that makes sense? Certainly not the obsessions but definitely some of the compulsive nature I find quite comforting and not entirely 'distressing' to perform, like it's just who I am and that's fine. To a certain extent of course. This is definitely an obsession, feeling like I'm lying or making it up or there's something else wrong with me that I don't entirely want this to go away, just to be understood. Hopefully I can speak to someone about it soon but I'm scared at what a non-sufferer would say; if they'd understand. Any more advice, thoughts or comments would be so very welcome, anyone who's reading this. Thank you
  8. Please take the time to read and advise: This is a strange one for me because they seem to be slightly paradoxical and cancel each other out but I keep obsessing and worrying myself round and around that I might not actually have OCD. It started when I started evaluating the generic 'symptoms' and classifications etc after a doctor's appointment. Both the doctor and the sights I looked on all repeated a recurring phrase - disturbing or unwanted. Of COURSE OCD is that and of course, I do find it distressing, or at least the anxiety that comes along with it (feeling like your stomach's eating you because you're aligning some paper on a desk is of course ridiculous.) But here's the thing and what's started really worrying me - I do sometimes (It's impossible to say how often as I'm sat here) find it almost comfortingly familiar. I really don't know if the buzz word that's terrorising my mind right now - enjoyable - is exactly right but certainly a form of familiar comfort. To the extent that I'm thinking 'I wouldn't want to NOT do this. This is who I am and I like it. I like needing that to be straight. I like the feeling of washing my hands again', etc. This has obviously sent me down a spiral of anxiety about now not knowing if it's really OCD, if I almost enjoy or rather take comfort in feeling like that. If who I am is a lie, if I'm just lost in a world of psychiatry with no real purpose or definition. I feel like I'm lying to myself almost, like I'm somehow making it up because I don't find it as distressing as I should. Would I stop wanting to do those things? I don't know. Not all of them and as I'm sat here I can think of times I have been extremely distressed and needed, wanted, to leave something, stop something, not worry or obsess or have to do something. Times I've known something is ridiculous or shouldn't be a priority right now but HAD to do it anyway. And I get unbelievably distressed at the obsessional, reassurance, repetitive rubbish in my brain but it's just the compulsions, the actions, I feel like I don't mind. Comfortable with. And it's scaring me. My OCD is not severe but it's not mild either. I have persistent, consistent symptoms and it causes me a great deal of horrid anxiety and would most definitely fill up an OCD tick sheet. I have been told to seek counselling for it and it was clear it obviously has quite a large impact on my life. None of that is in question. But now I'm obsessing about liking who I am, finding comfort in what I feel and it's rocking my whole obsessional world. I may have overlooked many distressing occurrences (although I can think of several distressing minutes and hours spent on aligning, perfecting and just not being able to get something right or tidy enough) as I can't remember anything right now but I'm worried there aren't as many as there 'should' be. And that those occurrences are not as 'distressing' as it 'should' be. Has anyone else had anything similar or could offer any words of advice or support 'cause I'm running myself into the ground with this one. Thanks for your time, JB.
  9. Ooh, thanks again! I'll defo give that a read when I have a chance. Looks very interesting.
  10. Thanks for your replies. This is a really interesting subject. I'm definitely gonna look more into it. What I can't understand is how if it is triggered, how can a chemical change occur in the brain. High levels of dopamine and low serotonin; we all know it by heart now, but how can you undergo a sudden chemical change? Or... was the imbalance always there, in which case why only at a certain point are symptoms felt? So confusing and interesting!
  11. I'd be really interested to read people's thoughts on whether OCD is pre-determined for us from an early age due to certain biological factors and triggered at some point or if we develop it at some point in our lives for whatever reason. I'm interested as looking back, I can see things I used to do or things I used to feel as being the starting points of where I am now but I'm not sure if that's because there genuinely has always been something of OCD in my life and it took my 'tipping point' to fully come out (being stressed constantly to the extreme at around 11-14) or whether I'm just reading too much into things with the hindsight I have now. If it is truly biological, low serotonin levels etc, what makes us have a chemical imbalance? Is that triggered? I'm genuinely really interested about the pathological side of things so even if you have no expert experience or opinions, I'd still love to hear what you think.
  12. I think Facebook is a tricky one. It always depresses me somewhat to go on there, although mostly because the people my age are all a certain type of 'woe is me' poster and the older relatives etc I have on there just re-post 'inspirational' pictures. Maybe I'm being cynical but I do tire of 'If you don't like this picture in 3 seconds, you hate your mother...' Anyway, as much as I can't stand reading about other teens' so called 'problems' of what colour to dye their hair, I have to admit I go on there every day. Like you, I have a lot of friends there that are just on my list because they added me because they knew me and I didn't want to be rude. The few people on there that I see more frequently and am on speaking terms with almost never speak to me or comment on my page etc even though they do this to each other. I completely get where you're coming from with your worry about doing something wrong and them not liking you. Although I'm not striving for their affection or attention, I do sometimes wonder what it is about me that is so different from our other mutual friends that they seem to be on much friendlier terms with. Maybe we have a tendency to put up a certain 'atmosphere' around us. I think, when you're unsure of you who are or what you feel in yourself, that often shows on your exterior and then other people maybe take it as a certain coldness or unwillingness. I've often been asked 'what's wrong' when the answer is just that I was thinking deeply. And all of us here have a tendency to get lost in thought.. I would take Alex's advice for now and stay away from Facebook for a while. Just have a little break and if you really want to go back to it, maybe just go on for a couple of minutes a week and take it from there. I think it's a good idea to create a new password, log off and keep it safe for when you think you can go back to it. It's always handy for catching up with relatives/close friends on the chat anyway so I wouldn't delete it altogether. Sorry to hear you're having a bad time with it. I think you just need a break. And, as with Alex, feel free to PM. JB x
  13. I have to say I agree with you that it's crappy the way a single episode will have it in and then like you said for months and months it won't be mentioned, referenced or seen. However, I'm an avid watcher of doctors and maybe I'm a little reluctant to say anything against it, Jimmi being my favourite character and all. But on the rare occasions it is actually featured or mentioned, it's usually done quite well. Tuesday's episode for instance - I totally agree with the 'live with someone, develop' comment, but I think that was more to do with Cherry's ignorance and jokiness, plus the need to remind viewers of the forgotten struggle of Jimmi's, rather than anything else. But Jimmi's stuff I thought was great. They didn't go into it and it was hardly a 'featured' storyline, but the bits shown were handled well. At the beginning it just showed a few seconds of him cleaning the sink and Cherry looking fed up and right at the end after her meltdown (what the hell caused that!!??) he just got up, silently walked over and after a minute of confusion and deliberation, stepped over to get the dustpan and brush. Like you said, redrattle, she told him to "leave it" and all he said was "You know I can't." I don't think they're going to follow it up with anything though as they made up the following ep and they never continue to show that side of him unless it's relevant. It is coming up again next week when Daniel says something about his running obsession but I'm actually really looking forward to that as I never see anything about phases, something I deal a lot with. Like I said though, it'll fizzle out to regular business soon enough. That's one thing I'd like, actually. Just random snippets of it every now and then without it having to be because of a featured storyline. (It's filmed 3 months in advance by the way, so the storyline will have probably been long forgotten by now.)
  14. I don't know who I am sometimes. I think with OCD it's hard too. You constantly wonder, 'Is that me or the OCD.' What parts are your personality and what parts are because of that. It the most frustrating thing to try and pin down exactly who 'you' are and end up having to sort traits into different categories to accommodate for other things... I guess at some point you have to realise it's a part of you too. That 'keep away from me' energy as well.. I completely agree. I'm not sure what it is. Confusion, hatred, anxiety...
  15. Thanks for your reply! I think I had a panic attack, although even know they're the same thing, I tend to call it an anxiety attack in my head. Sounds more like how it feels.. Anyway, I had just received news that I would probably be required to do something I already said I wouldn't do (speak in front of about 70 people) and my anxiety spiked immediately. I felt flustered, hot and cold, I felt dizzy, anxious, short breathed and my resting pulse went up to 108. If it wasn't, it felt like it anyway. I felt like I was being bullied into it. No one knows about anything, so I couldn't say something like 'I have a problem with anxiety' or anything.. although, in my opinion I shouldn't have to. The person doing it has known me for about 12 years and knows I'm not confident in any way. It wasn't trying to gently push me out of my comfort zone either, (something I would have resented but understood). It was a last minute, 'well you'll just have to get on and do it. I'm too busy to discuss it etc' In the end, I didn't have to but by then my anxiety had reached red and I felt anxious the whole night, even though I knew I wasn't doing anything. (Lingering effects, I'm assuming..?) She did say she needs to 'have a word' and I don't get off that easily after someone else said they'd do it... I'm not sure when this 'word' is going to come but I have no idea what either one of us is going to say. Thanks for listening to my drivel! Any advice would be great.
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