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Hurting

OCD-UK Member
  • Posts

    714
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About Hurting

  • Birthday 04/05/1988

Previous Fields

  • OCD Status
    Sufferer
  • Type of OCD
    Contamination

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Shropshire

Recent Profile Visitors

1,210 profile views
  1. Back again, hopefully i can build up enough stregnth to refer myself for treatment this time. 15 years since i first joined ocd-uk. I think i have been kidding myself, swapping one compulsion for another or avoiding more and more and then saying i was managing just fine or even getting better. Things arent good though. What is treatment like though, what should i expect? I did counselling and antidepressants ten years ago but the focus was on my mood because i was suicidal. I’m still to scared to get help because my obessions tell me its too dangerous.
  2. Sorry if this is inthe wrong place, I first joined back in 2005 and i remember there being a depression section but i couldnt see it today. I tend to come back when i am struggling. This is a safe place for me. OCD-UK saved my life back then. Anyway, I Suffer from contamination ocd mainly. I have gone from being unable to have any contact with anyone, even feared breathing dirty air to now having a beautiful baby boy who is my world and somwthing i never thought would be possible. He is 15 months old now but strangly he isnt triggering my ocd. But i cant have any contact with my partner at all. We sleep seperatly because i couldnt sleep in fear of contact. Cant even touch things he has touched. I dont know if it is related but i have lost my sense of humour around him. I cant bear his company. He does have a temper and what he says infront of our son is highly inappropriate. (i have been in contact with womens aid and they offered me a place to leave) But maybe i am being paranoid and blowing things out of proportion because of my anxiety around him. Sat here with my old ssri pills. Thinking i should restart them. Maybe it is just my mind playing tricks and they need the reboot that helped so many years ago. I thought it best to post, because if my brain is playing tricks on me at the moment a second opinion would be wise.
  3. Thanks for the replies guys. I felt dangerous because I had been out driving and time and my reactions felt so slowed down that I was sure to cause an accident or hurt someone. I am not going to drive again until it clears. I did have one thought about self harming but it passed. I'm feeling a little clearer now, so will keep going but I have been very open and honest with my partner about how i've been feeling each day and he is there to help if need be. Really hoping that I can stomach some food too soon. Thanks again for the advice :-)
  4. I restarted taking Fluoxetine on Monday. Felt worse ever since. Can't eat, in such slow motion I feel like I'm dangerous. Should I continue or stop?
  5. I have just today restarted taking meds. After being 5 yrs off them my OCD has started rearing it vicious head again so I decided to go back to the dr. Never been on a high dosage and last time I was only on them for 6 months. It was just enough for me to level out my head and gave me chance to get back in control. Because I know where this leads (for me) I am hoping to be one step ahead. My only advice is to be honest with yourself. If you feel like you are struggling get yourself back to the dr and discuss your interest in further treatment options. The earlier you can get things back on track the better :-)
  6. Thank you guys. I have checked out your link Roy too. I just told my Fiancé about my appointment. Nothing was said he just gave me a long hug.
  7. sorry if it sounded offensive, I really didnt mean it. Just feeling a mess
  8. i just made a appointment, got to work out what to say...... "back in 2009 i got help for being mental and im headed that way again" ???? im scared to eat because of contamination on the utensils again, i cant live like this
  9. I have been suffering with contamination fears for over 15 years. Back it 2009 I finally sort help. That year I was self harming the most I ever had, and made was pushing the boundries regarding suicide attempts. I have had a few good years since. Hardly any compulsions, feeling happy and no self harming. This year though things are progressivly getting worse. A catalyst was the arrival of my father in law in our home. Having him live with us has made my mind whirlwind out of control and I am getting very stressy. With imminent redundancy looming and plagued with guilt over an abortion i had when i couldnt even look after myself.... I never NEVER should have done it, how selfish! Anyway, I'm loosing control and I am a crazy blubbering snappy mess atm, but is that reason to go to a dr? Or what can I do to snap out of it before I do anything stupid or put too much strain on my other half?
  10. thank you for all the helpful replies guys :-) sat here, battling a couple of things: a) i havent washed my face or hands even though i wanted to b) i really want to change my clean tshirt, it doesnt feel right I've only had a shower 15 mins ago I need to start fighting this so I'm going to stay and sit it out.
  11. I didn't do any cbt, they were more focused on getting me to not kill myself. Feels really strange saying that now. I don't really know how or why things got easier. The meds cleared the fog in my head and.... don't know if this will make sense.... but back then, and what's happening now, it feels like no matter how many times I do something my brain just won't accept that I've done it, so I have to do it again and again..... When my head cleared I didn't even need to think about what I was doing. ie: I just turned the light off and now I have to say outloud as I press the switch, and even when the light goes off, I still have that fear that the circuits live and it isn't really off! I can't believe I can't do the simple things!
  12. Hello, I was an active member along time ago. I'd been doing really well and in a really good place but lately it's been getting hard. I haven't taken meds in over 3 years. I'm happy I haven't self harmed in 3 years, and I'm happy to be alive! I have a wonderful boyfriend, which I never thought would be possible as I couldnt even touch anyone back in the day. Lately though, my compulsive washing has been escalating. Along with it the anxiety/temper that snaps at him when the obsessive thinking is plaguing my mind. I can't loose control, I can't push him away with my madness. I've been wondering if I should go back to the doctor and ask to go back on meds, temporarily, so that I can get back on track....... I really just needed to talk about whats going on so I came to the place I knew I could trust, here!
  13. I am so moved hearing of your courageous victory. You are amazing. xxx

  14. You will get there :-) I know that now - I doesn't happen over night but one day, like me, you'll look back a realise just how far you have come and at that point, no one can wipe the grin off your face!
  15. Hello Everyone :-) It has been a long long time since I have been on the boards. I used to be a very active member back in the day, don't know who ia still here from then or if any would even remember me. I used to be known as Rustle or Hurting as my ID. Anyway, it's been exactly a year since I last took any medication, saw a Doctor or Psychologist etc..... and I am just over the moon and wanted to share my good news. It's been a full year and I haven't acted on any self harm or eating disorder thoughts. I can't believe that back in 2009 I was in such a dark place and made so many attempts on my life. I didn't believe that I would ever find happiness. The emptiness and obsession consumed me night and day. And how much I have changed. I can feel the suns rays and it's is so comforting and warm. My OCD was mainly to do with contamination. I destroyed my skin from compulsive washing in bleech etc.... I couldn't have any contact with any person, object or thing. The repetativeness and the checking and the constant onslaught of thoughts and fears..... the panic and pain I felt was torture. I look back, and I can't imagine ever feeling like that again. I am detirmined never to allow myself to slip into my old ways. Yes, I still have to fight sometimes, consciensly ignore what my brain is telling me to do but I am winning the battle. I have escaoed my isolated prison!! I had suffered since a child. Once I had worked out what my problem was it still took me over 6 years to find help. I now have a wonderful boyfriend, something I never thought I'd have. :-D And everytime I get to cuddle up to him it just make my heart grow warmer! (I can actually have contact with someone - I would never have believed I would get this far!!!!) True, I have many scars that remind me of my past, but I am going to make the best of the situation, I believe that they have made me a nicer person. I'm not going to waste another minute. I have alot of cathing up to do, and new things to try that I couldn't do while I was locked up on my own. It did take a while for me to get this far, and to start with it was very VERY hard. I felt like I was at a stand still and going no where during treatment. For me something just clicked one day, and I started making leaps and bounds. :-D And here I am now, smiling, happy and getting more and more oonfident my the day! I can actually say - 'I like me!' Please, anyone who is thinking of seeking help, bite the bullet and take a leap of faith. There are so many helpful people out there who understand and are caring and WILL help!! I started here on the boards and it truely saved my life! OCD-UK will always have a special place in my heart and will always be remembered. Love and best wishes Gayle xxxx
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