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so lost and i hate myself right now


Guest h_777

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I don't know where to start. And my fingers are tapping are anxious so this typing might not make a lot of sense but i just have to write something and you don't have to reply but it would be nice just to have a bit of support i think thats what i really need right now. i don't even wnat solutions i dont thnk there are any that you could give me right now but just maybe lie to me and tell me that everything is going to be ok.

i'm so lost. i dont know myself i dont know what i want to do or who i wat to be. i have just had a driving lesson and i lost it, completely lost my temper during the lesson i was so angry with ymself for not getting the flipping thing right and i have my test soona nd i just never feel confident in the car im always on edge and nervy and i couldn't get it right and my instructor was going, you've done it wrong now you need to do this that and the other and i couldn't think and all i could thnk was i'm such an idiot and a loser for not being able to do this and i just wanted him to shut up so i put the handbrake on and out of gear and i hit the steering wheel with my angry hands and i was crying and i felt like an idiot. and i was sitting there and he said i've never seen you like that and i don't have behaviour like that in my car. and i said i always feel like that every leson as soon as it goes wrong and i just hate myself and i want to stop the lesson and start again and get it right 100% completely right so that i feel like I can take my test and pass and he said that i should be able to calm myself down as i am an adult not a child how wrong he was. all i ever feel like is a child so small and lost and i hate myself.

wednesday night was my one month anniversary of not self harming so i gave in and i did it anyway because i missed it and i was staying in a hotel with work and i stole a glass at the bar and took it to my bathroom and dropped it on purpose and it smashed everywhere glass so many small pieces around my bare feet and across the floor. and i sat down in the middle of the tiles and i chose the best piece. i still have it because i didn't want to throw it away. i kept 3 pieces. i don't know why i did it. i was drunk. i shouldn't get drunk. but there is no point telling ymself that. all i want to do right now is get drunk and hurt myself. i don't even know if this is me talking it might be but i could just be making it all up and lying and it might not really be me, i might be copying what i see and hear around me from other people.

because i just don't know. what is me and what isn't and what i want to be me and whether that's ok and whether i'm just copying things and moulding myself based on other people and how do you ever relaly know if what youa re doing and what you believe in is the right thing to do and the right thing to believe in?

right now i have just spent the last hour calming myself down enough to write this which u can see is still not that calm but i am not crying anymore. i have made tea. i have had something to eat. and things like that are supposed to be an achievement when you feel like this? why don't i feel like i have achieved anything? why do i not even feel bad for the self harm? why am i not bothered by the new cuts that will be scars that will need hiding? why don't i care? i don't care enoug about myself to care what i do to my body. the only reason i have ever thought about trying not to destroy myself is that my friends and familu would be upset. but i won't do it for myself. because it doesn't bother me enough.

and if i actually did make the effor today to turn my day around how would i know if that was the start of changing? i need to know when the start date of my changing would be. i need to know when the beginning of my getting better is. i can't let it just happen to me without noticing i can't just start to get better without feeling it, without feeing all the hard work and effort that is supposed to go into it, without being in control of what i am doing and how i am changing and how it is hard so hard but i am doing it for good reasons and deep down i know i want to change.

right now i don't know that i want to change deep down. it doesn't bother me either way. half of me is planning my future and cares about doing it. the other half does't even see a future because i am going to end up self destructing. and i don't care which.

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Hi H_777,

I am sorry to hear that everything seems to have got on top of you....and I'm not sure if I have any sound advice as to how to dig yourself out the situation you seem to be in at the moment. I have kind of been where you are...where everything just seems to be going wrong, and I really didn't have the energy or motivation to try and change the situation. Sometimes, it just seems easier to accept it and be prepared to live that way forever doesn't it? But, you can get yourself out of the situation.. I won't lie, it's not easy, and it takes a lot of willpower and motivation to do it....something that you will most probably think you can't muster up at the moment.

Although I am not a medical expert, it does sound to me like depression is playing a big part in your feelings at the moment...are you receiving any help at the moment?

I would say, try not to analyse everything you think about... I know that may seem hard....but with all these different thoughts about your present life, your future etc...it's so easy to spend excessive amounts of time 'thinking', which in reality won't really help to get yourself better. Take one day at a time, and try and set yourself challenges for that day. Yes, making yourself something to eat and drink is an achievement when you are feeling the way you are..I know it was for me..and you muct recognise thes achievements you are making, no matter how insignificant they may seem to you. Try and keep yourself busy where possible, with something you enjoy..this should hopefully lift your spirits a little..and once you start lifting your spirits, then you get some more motivation to lift them even further.

I am sorry that I don't have a quick fix solution to help at the moment, I just wanted to let you know, that I have felt like you do at present, and it will all be OK as long as you keep plodding along.

HTH

Kylie

x x x

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i have calmed down a bit more now. thank u Kylie so much for your response to me when i was angry and probably didn't make too much sense. i am very down today though. yes it does seem like it would be easier to remain this way forever and i do think a part of me, at times a very large part, would prefer to stay this way. i can't really think of a reason for wanting to change for myself. i can think of all my family and friends who would be so sad without me and would blame themselves and i don't want to do that to them. it just feels like at some point i should be living for myself, surviving for myself for my own sake, because i want to and not just so that i don't upset anyone else. i feel like i should care more about myself and what i do to myself but i can't muster up that emotion. i am self destructive, every time i feel a bit better i deliberately make it worse again, like with the self harm. i did it because it scared me so much that i had gone for a month without it. it scared me that i wasn't doing it anymore like i had lost that part of myself and i wanted it back to say it's ok i still need you.

as far as the depression goes i have felt this way on and off for a long long time. I am on Sertraline 150mg a day before that it was citalopram. i didn't recognise it as depression though, and we don't tend to talk about it in therapy so much. we discuss much more general things now like how my job is and my future, and when i think i won't need the meds or the sessions any more. i don't like it and i wish i could tell her describe to her the way i feel right now the way i feel a lot but whenever i go in there i can't. i smile and i laugh and i make so many jokes and i make light of the ocd and the depression and even the self harm like it is a big joke like i am taking it all for granted hey ho there's not a lot i can do about it right?? and i hate myself for doing that for not being honest and i hate my mouth and my tongue for refusing to let me speak the way i want to.

i need a reason to change to try and help myself move on for once and for all. even if it is not a smooth ride even if i trip and fall and go backwards again and again at least i will be able to look back and say that was it that was the day i decided to try to turn my life around. because i think that's how it should be it should be a journey of some sort. i don't know why i can never remember how awful this feels. when i wake up the morning after harming and i have to go and check that i cleaned up properly and it's stinging and i am dazed and i have to be careful what to wear and i'm not thinking straight - why can't i remember that that is what it is going to feel like if i do it again??? Because everytime I think yeah this will make me feel better and it always does for 5 minutes and maybe longer and then it's gone and i feel like a loser who is holding herself back.

2 of my friends also used to harm but now they have stopped and moved on and i am still stuck where we used to be i'm the only one still doing it. but then i look at my arm and i don't really feel bad i feel calm because i like to look at it. and it doesn't bother me. i don't know what i think about anything. anything. all of my thoughts and opinions i am worried that they are not really mine and i am just copying others or making them up i guess, is that ocd??? is my obsession that i'm not being myself? that i am lying or manipulating or copying? that i am not my own person so i can't say anything incase it is not the truth? i am so obsessed with the truth and good and perfection and 100% right and true and real.

i don't know how to put that into words that other people will understand they ask me what my ocd is and i just say oh it's complicated. in some ways i wish i had an obsession that was obvious. mine's so hidden that even i don't believe i have ocd.

i'm sorry for rambling, thank u for your advice Kylie.

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Hi Holly,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time at the moment :hug:

I don't really know what I can say to help you. I did want you to know that I understand some of what you are going through. I can get so angry at times and sometime not even know why. I throw things around my house. Breaking things that mean so much to me. Today it was my mobile phone (which doesn't mean that much, but costs quite a bit). I kicked it around the house a bit. I just get out of control.

I also feel lost and don't know where I am going. Useless at everything etc.

Please try not to self harm hunny. I know it is easy to say. I have been having self harm thoughts a lot lately, but have so far resisted, so I know how hard it is. Please try and find another outlet for your anger and other emotions. Like punching a pillow.

Take care Holly

Sarah xx

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thank you for your reply sarah and for your little message last night that meant a lot to me.

it is always good to know that you are not the only one feeling a certain way so don't worry if you can't think of anything to help, because it does help anyway.

my head is so completely full of huge questions that i don't want to be thinking about it's torture it is tormenting. i think about the world and the universe and God and if there is a god and what is the point and what am i supposed to do if anything and is there a right way and a wrong way to live your life. i wonder what the point is to earth and to life and why it is here and why we are here. and there are no answers and it kills me. i don't know what to do with life and i don't know anything.

sometimes i feel useless but that is not the main issue really. because i know i am not useless. i know i can do things i just don't know what the point is supposed to be. it all seems so futile. why there is a planet and who made it if it was anyone. and so if there is a God what does that make us just some experiment? what would there be if there was no life? is it worth carrying on with it or should i just cut and run now is that cowardly or is it brave? i know that i have an addiction to self harm. i know that i don't do it because i am sad or angry or frustrated i do it to feel the high. it is all i can think about and write about because i love it.

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Guest HayleyMartin

hunny- i have to be honest , i havent read all of your posts cause i am just so tired at the moment that i cant see to type even - i just wanted to say that when i met you my honest honest opinion of you was that you were such a lovely lovely lovely bubbly kind warm person - i loved you instantly -you made me feel warm inside in a cold world ,

i just wanted to say that really ....you are very special very funny very warm and just bloody smashing :hug:

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Guest Muse_Man

Hi Holly

hunny- i have to be honest , i havent read all of your posts cause i am just so tired at the moment that i cant see to type even - i just wanted to say that when i met you my honest honest opinion of you was that you were such a lovely lovely lovely bubbly kind warm person - i loved you instantly -you made me feel warm inside in a cold world ,

i just wanted to say that really ....you are very special very funny very warm and just bloody smashing :hug:

I completely agree with Hayley and the others ((hug)) :original: Try and look after yourself, I see you accept that the self harming only gives you a moment of satisfaction, Im sure you know it wont help you in the long run, keep up the hard effort to resist the temptation.

I have experienced a similiar obsession to you. There is some advice I can offer you from my own experience. A friend kindlly pointed out to me that.....'life just is'. And what even startled me more was this book he offered me to read called, 'The users illusion', very heavy read, but if you are intrigued to learn about the answers to your questions they are there. The most interesting notion I picked up from this book is the concept of 'Maxwells Demon', in esscence the human mind can never know it all, as there is literally to much information in the detail of the entire Universe for us to process through our senses and hold in our filtered conscious at one time. Basically, what we percieve is a very summarised version of what we see and know, where our concious can only be aware of minute proportion of our what subconcious is aware of. Trust me, it is heavy, and probably explains it a lot better than my waffle...lol.

Dont cast yourself as a failure, may be you are fearing the possibility of failure even before what you try has happened. Accepting yourself for who you are takes a long time, and your experiences with OCD and life has made it hard for you to feel comfortable with who you are. You are not responsible for the OCD, its an illness, unfortunatley we have to live it with the best we can!

The future is uncertain, and will fall into place, you just be yourself :original:

Take care

Stuart :original:

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