I have a sick mind

[Guest Dominic1988]

I'm sure by now you're aware of my concerns: drug abuse which has exacerbated my OCD into anxiety, intrusive thoughts and big black pits of depression. But recently I think I put my finger on something. I think a part of me is actually enjoying this. How can this be possible? I just want to get better, I'd give anything to go back in time and never ever take those stupid drugs. I'm always crying and my mum is doing her best to comfort me, and I just want to get better so she can feel better. Right now, it feels continously bad. I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I can't wake up. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this. I love my mum to bits and back together again, and yet I can't stop thinking horrible things. Like I'll be in the car with her and all I can picture is her head slamming into the steering wheel. This is truly ****** up and I'm not sure this can be helped. Can it? Am I ever going to get better?

[carolj]

Dominic Im not sure where you are with treatment, but this is OCD making you have these thoughts. Im a Mum with a son who has OCD and I know he has terrible thoughts about myself and the rest of the family and that is because he loves us so much!! OCD as always is attacking what you love most.

As you start to get better you will learn how to manage these thoughts and then hopefully they will become less and less. Its great your Mum is supporting you and Im sure she would understand this is OCD.

Carol

[Guest Shockwave17UK]

Hi Dominic,

I know exactly what you mean, I have the same sort of relationship with my mum. Sometimes, when we have a disagreement especially, a bad thought will pop into my mind. At times, when I've been in bed in the dark at night, in the past when I was about 14 or 15 and first moved in with her, I had thoughts of "killing her while she was asleep". This made me sick to my stomach, I don't necessarily have it anymore but it still exists occasionaly. I know exactly what you mean mate, it's a disturbing, intrusive thought which is not you as a person and is trying to beat you. Keep the faith dude

Michael

[Guest Dominic1988]

Thanks Carol. I'm going to the doc again this friday hopefully, except it will be my own GP rather than the last one who I'd never met before and gave me clomapramine without telling me about any side effects. Which I have since not been taking. I think I should at least see someone who knows me a little.

[scared&worn out]

Hi Dominic,

I am sorry you are feeling so down at the minute but I promise you, it will get easier. Sweetheart if you were enjoying this it would not be upsetting you so much. It is OCD trying to tell you otherwise. You obviously love your mum very much as she does you.

You can and you will get better. So you took drugs in the past, you wont be the first and you wont be the last. You have learned from the experience, thats what matters.

Are you on any medication at the moment? It may be worth discussing this with your doctor. Have you had any CBT?

I totally understand how you feel as I have been there, and still go there sometimes nowadays but I have got over it and so will you. Take each day at a time (each hour or minute if needs be) and don't be so hard on yourself. Your mum loves you and as a mum myself I know that she will be doing everything she can to make you better, as my mum has done during my darkest days xx

[Guest Dominic1988]

Thanks Michael. I'm trying but its so hard.

[Guest Dominic1988]

Thanks scared&wornout. I am trying to get through this. Really hard.

[carolj]

Im glad to hear you are going back to your GP and its someone who knows you better, but as scared&wornout says have you had CBT treatment? The medication can support you but the best actual treatment for OCD is CBT and you should asked to be referred to someone for assessment and then to be put on the CBT waiting list.

Carol

[Guest Shockwave17UK]

I know how hard it is mate, I'm going through it myself at the moment and have been for just under three months now. It feels like its never-ending, everyday I wake up and the thoughts and the mentality the thoughts put me in ruins many of my days before they even begin. Some nights I go to bed and never want to wake up. I sit around at college, I'm a bit of a loner, and when I do, I reflect on things.

However mate, thoughts are thoughts, and whilever they are that, you are safe. Thoughts come and go throughout our lives, its just things that repulse us try to make us believe we are something we aren't. Whats even more difficult is explaining the situation to a friend, or a family member or even a GP, I find this to be the case myself as I just think everyone will be ashamed of me as I am ashamed of myself. It's a vicious circle, mate, if I could describe it in words, I'd sware off this entire page and more. I hate this situation. But what keeps me strong is the fact that I will beat this, and it will be a small tiny fraction of my imagination that will go back into the pit it was in and never bother me again.

Keep strong mate, All the best

Michael

[Onix]

Hi Dominic. You are not sickminded, I have the same thoughts. But in time the thoughts start to bother us less and less because we get used to them. You don't want to do nothing to your mum and that what matters. Eaven if your OCD is telling you that you are dangerous, you have to know that you are completley harmless, because if you would want to hurt anyone you already would. Remember these thoughts are normal everybody gets them but if you have OCD you get stuck on these thoughts, because of the fear. But that fear is evidence enough that you will never act on those thoughts. It really gets better I thought that it newer will but now I am getting better everyday. And hopefully soon I will be able to say these thoughts are not scaring me anymore (they loose their power over you) and so will you. Just don't give up. Ask your doctor for some benzodiazepins for the hardest moments. It helps take the edge of anxiety, but you must use them only when you feal really bad because they are addictive and you can soon get used to them.

[Onix]

Oh and you really ned to find the right meds. It can do wonders when you do. So if your current meds arent helping you talk to your doctor to try something diferent.

[Guest Dominic1988]

Thanks for the advice Onix. Its good to hear that I'm not alone in this. Just trying to keep busy, but I will probably ask for medication when I see the doc on friday, but definitely something mild.

[Guest Dominic1988]

Thanks Michael. I was/am a bit of a loner, and I spent most of my time at school just conditioning myself at the gym. Trying to get more active in groups now...joined a fencing club recently which is quite fun and quite hard work!

Edited May 15, 2008 by Guest

[Guest Shockwave17UK]

Good mate. The thing I occasionally hit myself for is the fact I used to shut myself off from everything and just liked one thing, football. This isn't a healthy thing to do in my opinion. I am now more open with music tastes and trying to find new outdoor activities. Keeping as busy as I can has kept me going the past few months, just hope the thoughts go!

But people, and everyone tells me they will eventually, so surely yours will I'm sure of it dude. We can all beat this!

Michael