Completely unsure.

[Alfie123]

Ok.

i am new here, and this is the first time i have ever properly spoken about this.

Every day, i feel plagued, by what i regard to be distressing, intrusive thoughts.

These are all manner of things, such as violence towards innocent people, violence towards my family/loved ones. Innapropriate sexual thoughts towards family members/members of the public/people i am outwardly, most definately NOT attracted to. Both male and female.

However, the majority of my thoughts, i can ignore, they will be there for a few seconds, cause slight anxiety, but will then dissapear.

However, the one i cannot get rid of is homosexual images/thoughts. This is not just thoughts i have about attractive members of the same sex, but also members who i don't think are attractive.

I obsess over this a lot, and find it quite debilitating, as it occurs generally when i least expect it to do so. I also find the images rather disgusting and i have never once been aroused by this, although from reading what others have said i understand that some signs can lead me to believe i am aroused, eg, stomach churning, sweating etc etc.

I am, i am sure, a straight male, every single day, regardless of these thoughts, i go around and see many girls who i am very attracted to, emotionally, i have only ever had feelings for girls in that sense, i also have had sexual experiences/sex with girls, and i have only ever become aroused when thinking about girls, or being around girls.

However, the constant doubt is always there.

I also have a girlfriend, who, although we haven't been together long, i am extremely attracted to her, i think the world of her, and although maybe too much information, i find even kissing her can cause an extreme state of arousal.

However, going back to what i said previously, over the years, my obsessions have changed.

When i was younger, initially this was there, but then it went away, and i started to become heavily obsessed with worry that i may be a pedophile, this occured when i was sat in my friends car, with his little sister, and i had a disturbing image come into my mind, which caused much anxiety.

I then proceeded to worry that i had actually done something wrong, maybe i had acted in the way that my thought showed.

This then expanded, and i would find myself, even if i looked at a child, i would later on think, what if something happened? but nobody else saw. Ludicrous i know.

I have also had big worries of cheating on past girlfriends, even though i had no intention of doing so. Whenever left alone with anyone else, i would later worry, did something happen? did i cheat on my girlfriend etc etc.

Again, and sorry for rambling on, i have had worries in the past, mainly when i was younger, that i had committed a murder, or similar crime.

I once even convinced myself that my Grandma's death was my fault, even though she was 4 when she died, and it was due to cancer, i still felt it was down to me that she had.

I remember aswell, when i was 15, every single week after seeing my Grandad, as soon as i had come away from his house, even though i waved him goodbye, i would think, did i hurt him? or worse, have i done something which could kill him? I feel awful in even typing this, i feel physically sick and my stomach is churning.

I also felt the same regarding a girlfriend at the time, despite the fact i would never have harmed her, i was worried i may have done so.

This dissapeared when i was 16/17/18 but briefly came back last year after watching a music video which featured a girl being decapitated. (i like some pretty heavy music! lol)

i then worried, and could not be left alone with her in the same house, for around a week that i was going to do the same to my girlfriend, even though i would never dream or wish to do such a thing, as i loved her immensely.

But as said, right now, my main obsession is to do with the homosexual images.

I have no desires to take part in any of these thoughts, and i find them both repulsive, and a turn off, yet the doubt is still there.

Also, when i was 15, i was left in the same room as my little niece, and i had an intrusive thought, i then, although i knew nothing had happened, worried about it for days, that maybe something had happened.

I also worried that one day, when i had kids of my own, would i harm them?

All things i would never. EVER dream of doing, yet all seemed so real in my mind.

Even looking back now, i still worry, and think, what if?

Finally, i was convinced, when i was younger, that i had contracted HIV/AIDS despite the fact that at the time, i had not had any sexual contact with anyone, nor had i been in contact with any contaminated needles, however, i was still convinced i had it.

This went away until earlier this year, when i got with a new girl, and i for a split second thought, what if i pass something on? even though, i know i have nothing, this is when it returned.

I appreciate, this may all appear to be farfetched, but this has been what has happened, on and off, (yes i have had times where everything has dissapeared, but not for substantial enough time) and i feel stupid, and disgusted about admitting to it.

I have tried to discuss it with my mum, but she just dismisses it as a phase.

It's been a long phase. i'm nearly 20 now, and this has been here since i was 14.

Coincidentally, the homosexual thoughts, recently, seemed to have dissapeared when i was single, as all i could think about was getting a girl, however, as soon as i got with her, it seemed to come back.

Hopefully someone can shed some light on any of this.

Apologies again for such a long post.

But this, for some time has caused me to spend a lot of my life, on my own, and stressed constantly.

I am in a band, yet i don't engage in activities with them, i just sit on my own after we've played/practiced, because i feel stupid, and just low, constantly.

The only time i'm free of it is when i am doing something physically demanding (playing football, although i have noticed recently its cropped up more and more) or when i am playing the drums with the band.

Thanks for reading (if you have) and apologies AGAIN for the long post, and also apologies if anyone feels disturbed by anything i have written, i am merely looking to see if anyone has experienced anything similar.

[Alfie123]

May i just add, that whilst i do think members of the same sex are attractive, i am not attracted to them, if you understand what i mean.

By that i mean, i am have no desires to be with them in a sexual or emotional way, i just find them good looking. It's all about aesthetics.

[Guest louise88]

Hi Alfie!

I know that it is reassuring when others have had the same worries as you before, so I wanted to tell you that I have also suffered from various types of pure O at different points in my life. In fact, I have had every single obsession that you have listed in your post at one time or another and definitely know where you're coming from! The thought processes I have had at various times have been exactly the same as the ones you describe.

In terms of content, a fear of harming people and now a fear of cheating have featured particularly heavily in my thoughts. I have also often wondered many times regarding hurting people, 'did I do that thing that I thought about doing?' and have panicked about images in my mind. I am sure that you will find that many, many people on this site have had the same thing.

In terms of how to deal with it...well, I have been lucky in that my obsessiveness, although it has held me back psychologically in many ways and has caused me considerable mental distress, has not debilitated me. Others may be better to help you on that front. I have certainly found, however, that knowing you're not the only one who feels like this does help! I am sure others will have more specific advice, but the important thing to remember is that these are just unwanted thoughts and a way of your brain trying to challenge your moral values.

I hope you feel a little better soon and well done for writing!

[Alfie123]

Thank you for the reply.

I have sat here, stomach churning, worried about the responses i may get.

At the moment, i am also feeling especially guilty on my girlfriend, as i feel that i should tell her everything about my thoughts, as i feel that i'm not the guy she thinks she is seeing, which i find quite upsetting, as i know how difficult it would be for her, as we've not been together long.

Thanks again.

[Guest legend]

Sounds like full blown pure o alfie, and it is awful... and all the thoughts you have disclosed are typical

of ocd... and well done for getting them out!!

As a suggestion... as we are not pros... make an appt to see your gp,,, he will then get a referral to

confirm a diagnoses of ocd,

There is a gp icebreaker you can print off, theres a link at the top,

With the right help and support, you can regain control ....

there just thoughts thas all,

legend.

[Guest louise88]

I wouldn't feel bad about not telling all of this to your girlfriend yet. You are not being deceitful-obsessing is just one part of your overall personality and you may need time to think it through yourself before sharing it, in time, with your partner, especially as the relationship is new and you want to just enjoy the fun stuff together first!

I have only recently told my partner everything and he didn't feel that I had been betraying him all this time, by not telling him before! When I told him, it felt the right time to and he was delighted that I had shared things with him that I hadn't shared with others, but I certainly didn't tell him for a long time. What you do and don't say is your own choice, but don't feel guilty about it-you are not betraying your girlfriend in any way!

Good luck and hope the site helps you!

[scared&worn out]

Hi Alfie,

Firstly welcome to the forums, you will find some really nice people on here. There is no need at all to apologise. You are more than welcome to open up about your thoughts and you will definately find many people on here with exactly the same types of thoughts as you, including myself.

I totally understand how you are feeling. I too suffer from the more 'pure o' type of OCD although I do have compulsions in the form of checking, reassurance seeking and retracing my steps. My thoughts have always picked on thinking I have done things wrong and also HIV OCD which plagued me for all my teens and most of my 20's.

Unfortunately OCD sems to wax and wane throughout life and seems to pick on stressful times in your life and also when you are feeling happy and contented.

The proven treatment for OCD is CBT (cognitive behavioual therapy) and medication (which is personal preference - some people take medication others prefer not to). There is various links at the top of the page that will help you greatly. The best bit of advise I can give is to see your gp and asked to be reference to your local CMHT with a view to CBT. It is the best thing I did. It is scary but you can beat this.

Good luck and once again welcome to the forum x

[Guest legend]

Just to add alfie,, unfortunatly part of ocd is the need to confess, it is awful, but sometimes

you have to resist the urge.,in certain circumstances,, as is its so minute to the person you want to

tell, but to you its the end of the world,

hth legend.

[Alfie123]

Again thank you, to everyone who has helped.

Right now, i am worrying, that because i have tried talking to my mum, maybe it isn't OCD? maybe i'm just trying, in my mind, to come up with an excuse for it, i'm unsure, is this another way OCD likes to manifest itself?

The reason i've tried telling my mum is because i think she's the only person who could understand who is close to me, however, she is usually quite nonchalent about it, and gives the usual reply of 'what do you have to worry about' which doesn't really help.

I have been wanting to book an appointment for a while, but i am just concerned my doctor will think i'm making a deal out of nothing, or just supressing hidden feelings.

Even now, even now i'm being frank and honest about it, something is telling me that i'm not, something is saying that i'm just saying stuff to find an excuse.

It's hard to explain it really is.

[scared&worn out]

I so agree with Legend. I feel like I always want to tell everyone my thoughts and it is really, really hard to resist but you do need to! I have 'confessed' my various thoughts many times only to repeat myself or double, triple, quadruple check/confess/reassurance seek. Breaking that cycle is really difficult and something I still struggle with. Hopefully I will win that battle, I am trying!!!

[scared&worn out]

Hi Alfie,

The problem with OCD is sometimes we all think, "maybe it is not OCD, maybe it is me". This is classic OCD. It is not called the doubting disease for nothing Perhaps it may be an idea to show your mum this website as she probably does not know much about OCD. Unfortunately, OCD can make us doubt every thought we have and because you have opened up about your thoughts it has raised your anxiety levels, hence why you are feeling this way. But please dont let it put you off getting help. You should be very proud of youself for opening up. Some GP's are not very well trained in ocd which is why you need to get referred to the local mental health team who will have seen many, many people with ocd and will be able to get you on your road to recovery. In the meantime, how about considering getting some self help books. Imp of the mind is a good one, as is brain lock which covers the 'four steps' noted at the top of this page (click the link and it will tell you more).

Unfortunately none of us are medically trained but put it this way, I have had many of exactly the same thoughts as you over the years and have been diagnosed with OCD for nearly 7 years. In hindsight I have had OCD since being a child in various forms.

With every answer to every question with OCD will come a 'yeah but' or a 'what if', which keeps the ocd cycle going. Try to break that cycle by knowing that these are just thoughts, thats all!!! x

[Alfie123]

Yeah.

Thanks again.

I am going to look into getting a doctors appointment.

I find myself at the moment doubting what anxiety is.

I know that i regularly find myself churned up, worrying, moody and feeling stressed because of the thoughts, aswell as feeling ill/sick.

Just doubting as to whether or not this is anxiety, or something else.

Again, its as though i am trying to find reasons as to why it isn't OCD, even though i feel as though a lot of the symptoms/thoughts i have do certainly point towards it.

[Guest leerav]

I think it can be scary worrying about getting a diagnosis because you may not want to be seen as having something 'wrong with you'. But, in actual fact, the best thing you can do is find someone who will identify for you positively that you have OCD, and help you begin to learn ways of coping with it (i.e. CBT); you will turn a corner in your life if you can do this. Unfortunately, OCD is a 'chronic' medical condition, which means it never goes away totally, but, trust me, if you have learnt how to recognise the signs of an upcoming attack and know methods of dealing with it, you can nip it in the bud and help get your life back on track.

Sometimes, doing something proactive is the best possible thing you could be doing (like when you're playing football or the drums). So, the next few steps you should be taking are:

1. Make an appointment with the GP - stop debating whether you should, and just get the appointment. When you go, make sure you are ready to tell them that you think you have OCD (don't try and dismiss it as panic attacks or whatever) and, if they ask you for examples of what kind of thoughts you have been having, you have to be brave enough to tell them. If they are any kind of decent GP at all, they will have at least a vague idea of what you are talking about. Many will immediately recognise that it is a health problem, and will suggest referring you because they are not certain how they can help. Some will try and prescribe medication for you. This is fine, and is probably good for you to be taking, but don't let them off the hook. Ask if they can get you referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

2. Don't let them sidetrack you into seeing a psychiatrist or anything like that - what you need is to see someone who is experienced in CBT, which is a different type of therapy.

3. If the only option you have is to be placed on a waiting list, then accept it - the therapy will be worth the wait (and sometimes just knowing you may be getting some help provides a lot of relief).

Everything that you have experienced is typical OCD, and, if you are waiting a long while after seeing the doctor, it may be worth trying to get some books on the subject. They are generally based on CBT exercises and will help you understand the condition better, and teach you how to deal with it better. It may help you to let your mum know some of the details of what you are finding out, if you think she's sympathetic. You may be better off not bothering your girlfriend with all the details until you're less upset. Many people (especially outside the family) don't find it easy to deal with what sounds very strange to them - but, if you need to, I suggest you take along a book etc. to show to your girlfriend if she's worried about your condition. It is sometimes good to let people you are close to know that you have anxiety problems, although if you can avoid telling them all the gruesome details, it tends to leave them happier. Equally, OCD pushes a compulsion to confess, which isn't always the best option, although it may make you feel better. You are better off talking to a therapist or writing out the content of your thoughts, rather than imposing them on other people. Not because they mean anything, but because other people can find them a burden. But it is never good to bottle the problems up, either, so the sooner you can get to see someone, the better.