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Guest Charmainee

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It is also a good way for creepy men to stalk, take advantage of vulnerable people and have extra-marital affairs. In my opinion it is quite a shallow way of looking for a potential partner...

Women too, as a guy that as used dating sites I have seen married women on some sites, so it's not just men. I think the motive depends on the sites being used, some of the free sites are a little more adult in motives I think, some of the subscription sites are more genuine for people looking for a real relationship.

I know of at least four couples with OCD that have met through this website, one of those couples are married now and have been for some time, another couple have been living together for over a year now. One of my female friends met her husband through a dating site, some 10 years ago now and are still madly in love. For some people it works, for some it doesn't, and you could argue that maybe you get to know a little more about people this way than if you met them in a club one night and only spoke a few words before exchanging numbers.

I do think that it is inappropriate to judge how people find partners by referring to it as shallow Sam when that is hardly going to help the original poster with her original question.

How we meet people is irrelevant, if we find true love.

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Guest Puncture

I think we have to be realistic about this

There is a stigma attached to mental health issues

I met a lovely girl once and she made a comment about someone with ocd.

If I had told her from the beginning nothing ever would have happened.

We never actually got into a relationship anyway but if we had and I had told her later she probably would have been OK with it

If you want to tell them at the beginning then do but you might scare of really nice guys

Where as if you wait a bit and let them know you it is less likely to happen

P.s sorry for writing three threads I write my first reply before reading the other comments

Precisely my point.

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Guest Charmainee

It is also a good way for creepy men to stalk, take advantage of vulnerable people and have extra-marital affairs. In my opinion it is quite a shallow way of looking for a potential partner... Entering what hair/skin/eye colour you 'want'? How tall the person must be? If they have children? Divorced?... It's a bit like shopping for another human. Call me old-fashioned but what ever happened to shy people (of which I am no extrovert myself!)going out, having some dutch courage and dancing like a cretin?

It is my opinion. Disagree with me, agree with me - but don't patronise me and belittle me with all this 'think before you post' rubbish.

Sam

yes youre entitled to your own opinion, but i just need to talk to people, and how am i going to go out when i cant and dance like a "cretin" i have no self confidence if you can do it good on you but i just need to talk to people i have no-one!!

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Guest fuzzylogic

I have considered using dating sites but the thought of having to tell a stranger about my illness is daunting. It always comes up with new acquaintances too - they ask me what I do for a living, and if I don't want to lie I have to say I can't work because I'm ill... then I pretty much have to explain whether I like it or not.

I have often thought I'd like so meet and perhaps date someone else with OCD... but do you think that we would make each other better or worse?

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I have often thought I'd like so meet and perhaps date someone else with OCD... but do you think that we would make each other better or worse?

I think it depends on the individuals, it could be a bad idea if you both end up letting each other get away with colluding with the OCD, but if both pushed and challenged each other the it could of course be all positive. I don't think looking for someone with OCD or a particular sort of person is the right approach to dating, I think just finding someone you feel comfortable with and enjoy spending time with is the key, OCD or not.

Just my thoughts :)

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Guest Gina

Hi Charmainee, when my daughter started questioning a couple of months into her 7 month hospital admission, 'who will want to date me if they know I have been in hospital' the psychologists said this was actually a really positive sign that she was thinking about the future, relationships, friendships and all the stuff a 16 year old should be thinking instead of 24/7 OCD! So really well done to you! My advice was it is totally her choice to discuss with whom she wished, when she wished, I guess there is really no right or wrong, it has to be whatever you find works best for you, what you are comfortable with! I know you have talked before about how people walk away, and as a parent I find this very dissapointing, close friends saying see you for coffee when all is well!!! but I put it down to ignorance. After spending time visiting almost everyday for 7 months, you see the patients way beyond their condition, and believe me this will be of no issue to the right person for you, and you will find him! When my daughter was discharged she briefly dated another former in patient. It worked in that they obviously understood what the other was going through, but being both in early stages of discharge, it was pretty challenging. Incidntally my little sis met my bro in law on dating website, and they have been married 4 years now and are perfect for each other :) Good luck and stay safe! xxx :hug:

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You can do all of those things like have affairs but you can also meet people and get into a relationship

Just because some people do things like that doesn't meen all people do.

I've never been on any dating website where you can choose the colour hair or eyes etc of a person want to meet.

And a lot of the time you are encouraged to put information on about yourself so people know what kind of personality you have

And anyway that wasn't your original point, your original point was that it is creepy for men to look at profiles of girls.

What creepy about that if you are looking for a girlfriend?

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Ashley makes a good point

People meet of dating websites and get married

There are some websites out there which are aimed at people wanting just sex or even extra marital affairs

Obviously I think the extra marital affairs websites are wrong

I don't have an issue with anyone wanting to meet for a one night stand if they are single

I don't think the way people meet will have any baring on how the relationship turns out.

It is whether you like each over or not.

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Guest drumsticks

I have tried dating sites in the past and actually met my ex on one, so i think its good for people who dont meet people out at clubs or nights out etc or have a mental illness. Yes there are people on all the sites that use it for one thing, men and women but thats not everyone there are some of us who want a relationship and to meet someone special.

I know how you feel about when to tell someone you have ocd, its difficult but i normally go on how well i get on with someone i think get to know the person first and if they really like you they will take the time to understand and listen about ocd.

I feel the most important thing is to take things at your own pace and go from there.

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I told my bf after a year of going out and i knew he was the one for me. 2yrs later i told him the types of thoughts i have. To me it would be far to much to soon , but i never allow ocd to come into my realtionships and dont feel its fair on the realtioship either.Ocd is not the person iam it a small part of me that iam dealing with right now buts it not forever.It nice to get no the person and that takes time and eventually when u feel compfortable u can tell them , Nobody wants to go out with a person who they think they will have to be looked and listen to sad things all the time ,the start should be fun and happy lovely time unless ur ocd is really obvious i would get to know him first and then see

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Guest Puncture

yes youre entitled to your own opinion, but i just need to talk to people, and how am i going to go out when i cant and dance like a "cretin" i have no self confidence if you can do it good on you but i just need to talk to people i have no-one!!

You appear to have missed my point. ‘Dutch Courage’ – Alcohol. There is absolutely no way on earth I would have ever had the nerve to ask a girl out without alcohol as my wingman. In my youth was fairly good looking and had quite an athletic physique yet, because of my stutter, I had absolutely zero self-confidence. By going out with friends into town and after a few beers I came out of my shell and started talking to people. That is what a lot of revellers use alcohol for… for confidence.

The obstacles you believe are preventing you from going out and meeting people have been created by you. YOU. The same you who is obviously suffering from them. As soon as you stop thinking ‘I can’t go out because…’ the better.

If you’re talking to this stranger with the intention of one day meeting; How do you think you will cope? Where are you going to get self-confidence that you currently lack from? – If you can visualise yourself meeting up with him then you know you’re going to get it from somewhere, right? Now harness that thought and go out. Go to a busy bar with a few friends, colleagues or siblings and have a few glasses of wine… I’m sure alcohol will increase your self-confidence… it does with everyone else.

However, if you just want to talk to people then remain typing away on your computer. The obstacles are not there… they are in your head. Honestly.

I left the Police last month and I’m now waiting to start training to become a Paramedic… I have been ‘between jobs’ for only a few weeks and I have noticed my stammer is a lot worse. Self-Confidence. I have gone from dealing with aggressive, hysterical and varied members of the public to nothing. My job required a lot of self-confidence which until I thought ‘**** this, I’m not living like this forever’ and just did it, I did not have. I have now stopped putting myself in the line of fire so-to-speak and guess what?... My stutter is back! If your fear is venturing outside and talking to people then the ONLY way you’re ever going to crack it is by going out there and doing it… not making excuses why you can’t. Sorry to be blunt and I don’t wish to sound uncaring, I do care. That is why I’m telling you this.

Sam

Edited by Ashley
Edited language
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If your fear is venturing outside and talking to people then the ONLY way you’re ever going to crack it is by going out there and doing it… not making excuses why you can’t. Sorry to be blunt and I don’t wish to sound uncaring, I do care. That is why I’m telling you this.

Sorry Sam,

If it was all that easy then none of us would be here, or have OCD. I don't read that anyone is making excuses, just stating how difficult and hard they find it to get out. In time that confidence will come for many of us, but it is just not as easy as saying people are making 'excuses' and they should pull themselves together.

Ashley.

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Guest Puncture

And anyway that wasn't your original point, your original point was that it is creepy for men to look at profiles of girls.

What creepy about that if you are looking for a girlfriend?

I’ve given you my opinion and the reasons for it and you obviously disagree. It’s not a problem. However, we are venturing off-topic and I do not wish to repeat myself. It is probably best we direct the conversation back to the OP.

Sam

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Guest Puncture

Sorry Sam,

If it was all that easy then none of us would be here, or have OCD. I don't read that anyone is making excuses, just stating how difficult and hard they find it to get out. In time that confidence will come for many of us, but it is just not as easy as saying people are making 'excuses' and they should pull themselves together.

Ashley.

Hi Ashley,

I have OCD and depression. I have had depression since I was about 16 (I am now 29). I know what it is like. I am speaking from experience. I have heard what Charmainee has said before… I have heard it because I used to say exactly the same thing.

yes youre entitled to your own opinion, but i just need to talk to people, and how am i going to go out when i cant and dance like a "cretin" i have no self confidence if you can do it good on you but i just need to talk to people i have no-one!!

Maybe we interpret this differently. “How can I?...” – Just do it! Simple solution but very hard to do, I know - I used to have pretty-much zero self-confidence and a stammer that was horrendous – People used to think I was having a seizure. By refusing to let my conditions ruin my life I put myself in public-facing jobs and my self-confidence (until recently) was as good as the next man’s. I kid you not, to begin with I was absolutely petrified about talking to members of the public. Petrified.

Charmainee is quite literally saying in her last post ‘How can I go out when I have no self-confidence?’

Vicious circle;

Can’t speak to people, no self-confidence……. No self-confidence because I can’t speak to people….. Can’t speak to people, no self-confidence….. No self-confidence because I can’t speak to people….. Can’t speak to people, no self-confidence…….

The solution is easy, the practical element is hard. It depends how much you want freedom from it? The self-confidence will come in time? How? When? Why? From my own experience I believe this can only come from taking yourself out of your comfort-zone. Scared of heights? Parachute!

I have OCD, I have depression, I have a stutter which used to fill me with frustration, rage and hatred and issues around self-confidence. There is absolutely no way on earth I am going let any of those prevent me from living my life how I want it. Why should Charmainee?

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Guest quicheme

I'm curious cos I'm in a similar sitiuation to you with regards to not being able to meet people or leave the house much and started on one of these dating sites. I think for me its a feeling of I want someone to get better for in a way. Of course I'd like to get better for my family, mum and gran in particular, but I kinda feel they've obviously always been involved in my life and so its difficult cos theyre so close and entwined in the whole thing. Does any of this chime with you? I agree with previous posters though about the timing of telling people on the site about your OCD - definitely about when you feel comfortable and it sounds like you have a clear reasoning in your head about why you told the guy when you did and I think that that's a positive thing. If he decides he doesn't want to get involved then he ain't no good.

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Guest quicheme

Hi Ashley,

I have OCD and depression. I have had depression since I was about 16 (I am now 29). I know what it is like. I am speaking from experience. I have heard what Charmainee has said before… I have heard it because I used to say exactly the same thing.

Maybe we interpret this differently. “How can I?...” – Just do it! Simple solution but very hard to do, I know - I used to have pretty-much zero self-confidence and a stammer that was horrendous – People used to think I was having a seizure. By refusing to let my conditions ruin my life I put myself in public-facing jobs and my self-confidence (until recently) was as good as the next man’s. I kid you not, to begin with I was absolutely petrified about talking to members of the public. Petrified.

Charmainee is quite literally saying in her last post ‘How can I go out when I have no self-confidence?’

Vicious circle;

Can’t speak to people, no self-confidence……. No self-confidence because I can’t speak to people….. Can’t speak to people, no self-confidence….. No self-confidence because I can’t speak to people….. Can’t speak to people, no self-confidence…….

The solution is easy, the practical element is hard. It depends how much you want freedom from it? The self-confidence will come in time? How? When? Why? From my own experience I believe this can only come from taking yourself out of your comfort-zone. Scared of heights? Parachute!

I have OCD, I have depression, I have a stutter which used to fill me with frustration, rage and hatred and issues around self-confidence. There is absolutely no way on earth I am going let any of those prevent me from living my life how I want it. Why should Charmainee?

I think there's different approaches for different people. A more long term/step by step approach suits some people and a more aggressive approach suits others. One size definitely don't fit all especially when it comes to the intricacies of the human mind!

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I think there's different approaches for different people. A more long term/step by step approach suits some people and a more aggressive approach suits others. One size definitely don't fit all especially when it comes to the intricacies of the human mind!

* I agree with this--in my own case I cant be sure what caused my OCD reduction-it could have been a bit of involuntary exposure coupled with certain comments I read on this site which caused me to view it differently. One was Annabel's mention of a therapist saying not to set reduction goals so high that it causes unbearable stress, and another was Legend's story. But I tackled it in small does and so far it seems to be working better than trying to cut it off in one shot. I havent given in, I have remained conscious of reducing it while attempting to calculate what my limits are.

But socially speaking I tried dating sites a long time ago and never will again. I just wanted to make friends or activity partners and the sites werent geared for that. I had what i thought were friends who turned out to be users and didnt really care about me. This reality caused a tremendous upheaval and contributed to my OCD getting much worse. But I think it depends on location. I live in a colonial region of the world where the locally born people have a peculiar knack for being socially reserved, non curious, and dispassionate. It is notorious for that-as well as being in denial about its problems. But I cannot leave so I try to make do with what I can. Personally I think its best to follow the adage of trying to make acquaintances with common interests. This is usually good as the focus isnt on you trying to make friends but common likes. I know that even when I was suffering from terrible anxiety I was able to do public sculpture demonstrations in front of strangers but I remained calm and relaxed. Just be in a place where you can find people who share your interests. For me its much easier to talk to people outside my birthplace than in it-unless they moved here from elsewhere.

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You are entitled to your opinion puncture but your opinion is baseless and quite offensive

Anyone can go around and say I find that creepy but without any reasons to back it up don't expect anyone to take you seriously

You haven't given a reason for your opinions.

It appears to me as if it's based on emotional reasoning and ignorance

I think your looking at stereotypes of people who used dating sites that are 10 years out of dates.

I actually think you are quite bigoted to say that.

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Hi Charmainee

Have you aver met anyone of a dating site before?

You might actually find that contrary to what puncture says even if you do lack self-confidence you are fine when you meet online

I am really shy with girls but when I have met of the internet I have actually been fine

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Guest Puncture

You are entitled to your opinion puncture but your opinion is baseless and quite offensive

Anyone can go around and say I find that creepy but without any reasons to back it up don't expect anyone to take you seriously

You haven't given a reason for your opinions.

It appears to me as if it's based on emotional reasoning and ignorance

I think your looking at stereotypes of people who used dating sites that are 10 years out of dates.

I actually think you are quite bigoted to say that.

Are you one of these people who must have the last word? :rolleyes:

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Guest Puncture

Hi Charmainee

Have you aver met anyone of a dating site before?

You might actually find that contrary to what puncture says even if you do lack self-confidence you are fine when you meet online

I am really shy with girls but when I have met of the internet I have actually been fine

This is a serious question; Are you as shy with girls after a few pints? I don't mean get smashed by any stretch - but after a few beers though I used to feel a lot more chatty with the fairer sex.

If Charmainee is severely lacking in self-confidence then she needs to overcome it... not go through the rest of her life limiting herself to typing to someone over the internet first. Just like someone who has to go through a 10minute ritual before they can leave the house... they can leave the house but they have to do the ritual first - That's not way to live... Break the cycle. Chairmainee can meet people but she has to talk to them on the internet first?...of course she doesn't... just like that person doesn't need to mess about for ten minutes in order to leave the house.

You say you are really shy with girls.... why? Have you tried meeting a girl on a date? If so, how did it go? How did it make you feel?

Sam

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All the girls I have ever gone out with apart form one when I was 14 have been of the internet

I do agree people need to try to get over shyness and lack of confidence but it is not as simile as that for some people.

Sometimes we are scared of things but they are baseless

Where as other times people might generally beleive something negative so it is very hard to get over it

E.G. say soemone generally believed that know one would find them attractive it would be very hard for them to go up to someone and face rejection in front of everyone

You said you overcame your shyness, good on you

But you also said you felt you were quite attractive so it is easier to conquer it than if you thought you were unattractive

But i think the op has more of a problem than simple shyness, she said she scared to go out sometimes that is severe anxiety not simple shyness

It's not that i want to get the last word I'm trying to get my point across.

I can see that your a nice guy but it is very offensive what you said

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Guest Charmainee

* I agree with this--in my own case I cant be sure what caused my OCD reduction-it could have been a bit of involuntary exposure coupled with certain comments I read on this site which caused me to view it differently. One was Annabel's mention of a therapist saying not to set reduction goals so high that it causes unbearable stress, and another was Legend's story. But I tackled it in small does and so far it seems to be working better than trying to cut it off in one shot. I havent given in, I have remained conscious of reducing it while attempting to calculate what my limits are.

But socially speaking I tried dating sites a long time ago and never will again. I just wanted to make friends or activity partners and the sites werent geared for that. I had what i thought were friends who turned out to be users and didnt really care about me. This reality caused a tremendous upheaval and contributed to my OCD getting much worse. But I think it depends on location. I live in a colonial region of the world where the locally born people have a peculiar knack for being socially reserved, non curious, and dispassionate. It is notorious for that-as well as being in denial about its problems. But I cannot leave so I try to make do with what I can. Personally I think its best to follow the adage of trying to make acquaintances with common interests. This is usually good as the focus isnt on you trying to make friends but common likes. I know that even when I was suffering from terrible anxiety I was able to do public sculpture demonstrations in front of strangers but I remained calm and relaxed. Just be in a place where you can find people who share your interests. For me its much easier to talk to people outside my birthplace than in it-unless they moved here from elsewhere.

that is the same as me realy i think i just want to talk to people i feel lonely, but they dont want that obviously , but i have found a website that has people on it for mental illness who want to talk, so thats good .

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Guest Charmainee

Hi Charmainee

Have you aver met anyone of a dating site before?

You might actually find that contrary to what puncture says even if you do lack self-confidence you are fine when you meet online

I am really shy with girls but when I have met of the internet I have actually been fine

no i havent

its the same with me im actually okay online but a different person face to face.

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