OCD and Sexual Attraction to Kids

[Guest Oneb]

HI there,

I was wondering if I could post up some questions that I have around finding the right therapist, CBT and Pure OCD in general.

I shant bore you with the details, but from an early teens I had the concern that when I grew up i was going to be a rapist / child molester or sexual deviant.

When I was 13 and after accidentally setting fire to a field when mucking around with matches, for 3 years I suffered from classic symptoms (checking, counting, and doing many many rituals). My parents took me to the docs and from that day I managed to stop the easiest rituals and work my way up to the harder ones. After about 6 months no rituals!

But deep down the dark fears and thoughts remained. In my late teens and early 20s the Pure OCD kicked in with a vengeance, no rituals this time, just all going on inside. Thoughts about being attracted to kids, noticing pretty girls etc. Via the casualty department I found my way into the mental health system, and was lucky enough to receive a considerable amount of CBT.

For the last eight years I have been symptom free, but 5 weeks ago my partner moved out and told me she did not want to be in a relationship anymore. Boom 2 days later the anxiety was back.

I have been to the GP, on SSRIs, sleepers and use the occasional Diazepam as a crutch. I have also been lucky enough to see privately a Clinical Psychologist, but am travelling over an hour to get there. I am wondering before I have invested too much in this therapeutic relationship, I might try and find someone closer to home.

This brings me I guess to my questions:

Who?

I have asked around and although there are psychologists who have delt with Pure O before none have experience with so called POCD? Does anyone think this is important?

Fear of Therapy

I have never missed an appointment, but I they fill me with dread. Most of the time I am simply relieved when the appointment has been finished. Is this normal feeling this way or indicative of a resistant attitude that will be a barrier to therapy? I'd be interested in anyone else's feelings on their sessions

Don't Believe the Diagnosis

Well if I did then I guess that I would not be frightened of therapy? Despite numerous different professional opinions, and the reassurances of my wife, I still believe that I am a danger to kids and need to be scared.

Compulsions

This is another difficulty for me. When you read general OCD texts I do none of the classic rituals, counting etc etc, and after several weeks of keeping an Intrusive Thoughts Diary, I am still to uncover any strong mental rituals that I carry out to neutralise my thoughts. As I mentioned earlier I was able to beat previous OCD before by stopping the 'easy' rituals, but this time its really hard to know what I am thinking. Does anyone who has suffered from POCD understand this and have any suggestions please?

Thanks, and would really appreciate anyone who has any insights into this form of Pure O,

Andy

[Guest FlyingPenguin]

I don't suffer from this particular obsession, but I do suffer from Pure O (in addition to contamination OCD). Just like you, I have no mental neutralising strategies - I just ruminate and ruminate and ruminate, trying to mentally argue my way through the thoughts (which, of course, is utterly pointless!).

Can I ask how you get on with your therapist? I wonder if your feelings about therapy are related to how well you engage with your therapist. I saw two other therapists before I found someone who could really help me with my rumination.

[Guest Oneb]

Well its a good question, I have only had 3 sessions, and whilst anyone who does the job of a therapist has buckets of compassion and a big heart, I am not entirely sure, hence I guess me looking around a bit more. Thanks for posting by the way.

[Guest nEvermore]

From what I have heard, this type of obsession carries no risk whatsoever of you actually acting on these intrusive ideas. As far as the therapy you might just have to try some different ones until you get someone that works for you.

[Caramoole]

I notice that both say the are no mental neutralising strategies. Almost always there are, it's just not always obvious to us what may constitute them, they can be very slight and not apparent. I know I used to think this too but the more I understood about the condition, the more I began to realise that certain thoughts were indeed attempts to neutralise the thoughts.

It's worth spending a bit of time to re-examine what thought process goes on when the thought strikes. Most of us attempt to push the thoughts out in some way. Can you think of anything you might do regularly when the intrusive thoughts strike?

Caramoole

[Guest sarah1984]

Hi Andy and welcome to the forum,

I'm sorry to hear about the breakdown of your relationship. There's often a link between traumatic life events and OCD - they can act as a trigger for the start of OCD or they can exacerbate existing symptoms. I agree with Caramoole that it's important to examine your thought processes when the intrusive thoughts occur. You may not be performing obvious mental rituals such as substituting a negative thought for a positive one, repeating a mantra or counting but there could well be other processes going on. Examples of Pure O compulsions can include:

1. Trying to stop the thoughts

2. Seeking reassurance - you mention that your ex and many health professionals have already tried to reassure you that you don't pose a threat to kids.

3. Ruminating - spending hours trying to work out whether you are really sexually attracted to kids/whether you'd ever actually act on your thoughts etc. Simply engaging with the thoughts is a form of compulsion.

Re: your questions -

How did you find your psychologist? Are they an accredited member of the BABCP (British Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapies)? www.babcp.com Does your psychologist use ERP (exposure response prevention) techniques to help with the intrusive thoughts? ERP therapy is widely recommended as the most effective way to beat OCD.

I have asked around and although there are psychologists who have delt with Pure O before none have experience with so called POCD?

I'm a little confused by this question - Pure O, POCD and rumination OCD are all the same thing. Any psychologist who is experienced in treating OCD should be familiar with Pure O. Pure O is just one manifestation of OCD and not a distinct separate condition. All OCD sufferers experience distressing intrusive thoughts - it's just that some respond to their thoughts with obvious physical rituals such as hand-washing or checking whilst the rituals of the Pure O sufferer are less easy to detect.

I think it's only natural to be nervous about therapy because you're confronting the anxiety that accompanies your intrusive thoughts head on. Effective therapy should teach you to accept the presence of the intrusive thoughts and let them be without trying to push them away or seek reassurance. Initially your anxiety levels should go up as you resist the urge to respond to the thoughts but through repeated practice they should come down as you gradually become desensitized to the content of the thoughts. However if you don't feel comfortable working with your therapist I would strongly advise you to look for someone else. A good therapuetic relationship is essential for successful CBT.

I've read many posts on here from people who experience similar intrusive thoughts to yourself and nearly all of them worry that their intrusive thoughts aren't just OCD and that they are genuine paedophiles. This is a classic 'Pure O' thought. OCD is known as the 'doubting disease' and many sufferers worry that they don't have OCD and that there is a real ground to their fears.

I would also recommend that you have a look at the following:

1. www.ocdonline.com especially the articles 'Thinking the Unthinkable' http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php and 'What is CBT for OCD?' http://www.ocdonline.com/definecbt.php. Don't be put off by the dry academic style - Dr Phillipson's a world expert on Pure O.

2. Break Free from OCD: Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with CBT by Dr Fiona Challacombe, Dr Victoria Bream Oldfield and Prof Paul Salkovskis: http://www.ocdshop.com/product_info.php?products_id=163. A v popular book amongst OCD UK members and has dedicated sections on Pure O or rumination OCD as it calls it.

3. Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of your OCD by David Clark and Christine Purdon: http://www.ocdshop.com/product_info.php?products_id=8&osCsid=78c3b09bb3cc6e91aead8b1c208ecd7b

4. The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Bad Thoughts by Lee Baer: http://www.ocdshop.com/product_info.php?products_id=100

The last two books focus on sexual, violent and blasphemous intrusive thoughts.

Hope this helps

Sarah

[Guest Zippo3342]

Hey OneBartlett, You mention that your OCD is POCD and that psychologists you rang didn't specialize in POCD? This doesn't matter at all because POCD is just plain OCD. I read a really good post by one of the OCD-UK specialists that explains this and cautions against sub-categorizing OCD like ROCD, POCD etc. It is all just plain OCD. Pure O is just anther symptom of OCD too - I get pure-O symptoms from my OCD at times.

Edited April 27, 2012 by Zippo3342

[Guest Oneb]

Thanks everyone for your comments and wisdom, appreciate your time in passing on yr thoughts.

I'll keep looking for thse compulsions, and take on board all your ideas.

Tanks again

[Guest Oneb]

I notice that both say the are no mental neutralising strategies. Almost always there are, it's just not always obvious to us what may constitute them, they can be very slight and not apparent. I know I used to think this too but the more I understood about the condition, the more I began to realise that certain thoughts were indeed attempts to neutralise the thoughts.

It's worth spending a bit of time to re-examine what thought process goes on when the thought strikes. Most of us attempt to push the thoughts out in some way. Can you think of anything you might do regularly when the intrusive thoughts strike?

Caramoole

Thanks caramoole, I think mostly I try and push them out of my head when I get them.

I also spend nearly all of my day pretty anxious, with no specific thoughts that I am aware of. Of course this just makes you so vulnerable to any source of 'danger' or 'threat'.

I really want to get together a lst of my compulsions so that I can work my way through them. However when it's all happening in the head, and there's a whole bunch of anxiety flying around, it's difficult to get clarity and awareness.

[Guest OCDWORRY]

Hi Andy, I've had ocd since my teens, all in the form of thoughts and images and playing back past events until I get the reassurance feeling that I need to stop the anxiety that I feel at any given time.

Funny enough, it was this very fear that you are experiencing that was the final straw that broke the camels back, as although I've had many worries since my teens, I couldn't put up with this fear and finally went to the doctors on March this year, referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed OCD, after 25-30 years of suffering.

With this fear, my ritual/relief was in the form of confessions, which led onto many painful weeks of confessing EVERY thought that then entered my mind, and I mean every thought, some of which were very nasty thoughts about my partner.

So, in answer to your question, do you think the ritual you are performing in response to this fear is confessing?

I know I shouldn't reassure but this really sank in and helped me. 'If' you were that type of person, firstly do you really think it would worry you? You wouldnt be worried and seeking out therapy, you would be thinking of ways of being around kids so that you can carryout that act. People like that have no feeling of guilt, when they get those thoughts they enjoy the thought not fear it......

Edited April 28, 2012 by OCDWORRY

[Guest Oneb]

Hi Andy, I've had ocd since my teens, all in the form of thoughts and images and playing back past events until I get the reassurance feeling that I need to stop the anxiety that I feel at any given time.

Funny enough, it was this very fear that you are experiencing that was the final straw that broke the camels back, as although I've had many worries since my teens, I couldn't put up with this fear and finally went to the doctors on March this year, referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed OCD, after 25-30 years of suffering.

With this fear, my ritual/relief was in the form of confessions, which led onto many painful weeks of confessing EVERY thought that then entered my mind, and I mean every thought, some of which were very nasty thoughts about my partner.

So, in answer to your question, do you think the ritual you are performing in response to this fear is confessing?

I know I shouldn't reassure but this really sank in and helped me. 'If' you were that type of person, firstly do you really think it would worry you? You wouldnt be worried and seeking out therapy, you would be thinking of ways of being around kids so that you can carryout that act. People like that have no feeling of guilt, when they get those thoughts they enjoy the thought not fear it......

Thanks OCDWORRY for your post. I am really trying to shift my response to the thoughts by accepting them and 'taking a risk' that everyone else is right, and I am wrong. I am sure it's hard for everyone to do this, but its really difficult I certainly would not say that I can do it all the time, or that it works every time, and its frightening, to say the least. But when possible and as often as I can, I am trying to let the thoughts be. The flip side is though that I am getting more spikes, and the so called groinal response, so it's going to take perseverance for sure.

Thanks again though

[Guest OCDWORRY]

I've experienced the more you think and dwell over something the more it keeps popping into your mind, however I've now experienced the less you think about something the less it pops into your mind, it is then replaced with something else for you to worry about.

It was only by reading your post earlier that reminded me of how much this exact same thing was bothering me back at the beginning of the year, and I'm now glad it did, because if it hadnt, then I still wouldnt have seeked help.

I'm now nearly anxiety free, due to 'Learning and experiencing' that the fear goes on its own without responding with rituals or confessions and I was spending quite a loy of the day, probably 4-5 hours per day performing reassurance rituals in my head and becoming a prisoner in the toilet at work, as this is where I went for complete concentration whilst performing the rituals, however it got to the stage when as soon as I opened the door to leave, I needed to close iy again to do another one......

It might sound stupid, but if I didn't do it, my legs, arms, while body would shake and feel weak and I started sweating and got really hot like i had a fever, yet over the ladt few months I've been accepting yhe anxiety and most of the time not peforming the ritual, and after a couple of hours (first time took about 6 hours) the anxiety goed and i then think 'what was I worried about earlier' and then start to try and think of what was bothering me, but im now cutting the thinking out now and just accept it most probably wasnt anything apart from ocd....

Edited April 28, 2012 by OCDWORRY