Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
blue sky

Does anyone feel dead inside?

23 posts in this topic

Hi All,

I know a few of you have seen me on the forum, I am going to be brief but I have suffered from different kinds of ocd. The themes have changed many times over the years from religious to sexual fears and now relationship fears. Although I'm on meds and going to cbt, this has helped me alot but I can't help but feel dead inside, almost like I'm just going through the motions. I have felt like this since 2008, constantly battling the questions that ocd constantly throws and feel like a zombie. Really need people to answer this as I feel like I'm on my own with this.

Never use to feel this way, I really want to go back to my old self, is this possible?

Please help!!!!!

Share this post


Link to post

Hey hon, i certainly have times i feel numb inside alot, and there was a time round about 2004 - 2006 that i would describe it as feelin empty inside, or even dead inside, it's an awful feelin. I constantly feel like i'm actin, pretendin 2 b a normal 'happy' person. But i am noticing that i do genuinely feel happy at times, and i do enjoy some stuff.

I really think we can be ok, i think the ocd has a lot to account for

Rach xx

Share this post


Link to post

I can't wait for the day, when i wake up and there is no more ocd and I feel like a person. I have literally been crying today about this dead feeling as I feel like I have had enough!!!!!! Thank you soooooo much it's a massive help for me, just to know that there are others with the same feelings. Your words have really been an encouragement to me!

Share this post


Link to post

Sorry you had such a difficlut day yesterday, I hope today is a bit easier for you. I always tell myself that if I can cry at least I AM feeling, and therefore not totally numb else I wouldn't care at all. Not much of a comfort, but maybe a little? I certainly know how hard it is coping with that disconnected numb feeling, all the while pretending I'm like everybody else. I'm sure I read somewhere that this isn't uncommen amongst people who suffer with prolonged anxiety, kind of a way to protect yourself or something. I don't know, I could be making that last bit up!!!!!

Hope you have a better day today hon,

Hugs xx

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Blue Sky.

I think "depression", however you experience it, is often linked to OCD; my experience was that as I gradually got clear of my intrusive thoughts, my low feelings disappeared with it.

Something that used to "depress" me badly was when I challenged a thought or scenario by the very useful method recently discussed on this forum (what if? so what?) and instead of saying to myself, "OK, yes it might happen......... yes it could happen............. well I'd have to find a way round it if it did happen", I would dangerously lock onto "it is going to happen". The first response has the effect of deflating the obsessive idea but the second just removes all hope and makes you miserable. :(

Hope this helps.

Old Bob. :balloon:

Share this post


Link to post

Hi blue sky,

I just read your post and can completely empathise with you. I'm new to this forum and it really helps to know others are also going through the same thing as you. I've had the same sorts of feelings on many occasions and its been really tough to just get on with your day to day life. I definitely feel like a zombie at times but I've always managed to get through it somehow.

I hope you're feeling better today, stay strong!

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Icicle, Oldbob and Nik,

I have found this so difficult to talk about, haven't spoke to anyone about this as I have felt strange. Your words have all really helped me these past couple of days, you can't imagine how! I'm starting to feel a bit normal and not focusing so much on what I don't feel only on what I can do to help me get there.

A Big Thank You!

Share this post


Link to post

It was so strange to read your post Blue Sky as I have just had a hard few days of feeling exactly this way. So no, you are most definitely not alone in this. I think sometimes the hardest part is the isolation that this illness can bring about, I often feel that I am 'putting on an act' and trying to laugh and smile at the appropriate moment and to feel a certain way. The depression creeps in for me when I feel that I'm unable to be a 'real person' and feel and not be numb. I often think that phenomenon is kind of like looking through a window at some people having a party, nose pressed to the glass, trying to hear what they're saying, seeing their smiles but not knowing or understanding what the party is for or what the joke is. Do you feel this way?

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Stephie,

Just read your comment, I've never been able to explain it properly like that but what you said is exactly it!

" looking through a window at some people having a party, nose pressed to the glass, trying to hear what they're saying, seeing their smiles but not knowing or understanding what the party is for or what the joke is."

I really wish I could have that feeling back completely where I just feel human. I told my therapist today due to the nature of the thoughts I feel like I can't think about the thing's I love for fear the intrusive thoughts will attack! This has been going on for 4 years! And it's like now I can't feel anything, it extremely painful, because I want to be normal. As you said, and I too often feel like I'm 'putting on an act'. It's horrible!

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Blue Sky, I often feel this way, this recent bout happened because I started dating someone and I began to feel excited and happy to see them...then came the thoughts...what if I wasn't happy, what if I couldn't feel this way, then the panic started to creep in as I thought 'noooooooooooo I liked the happy feeling, don't take it away...' sometimes it feels as though the OCD takes every good feeling and sucks it dry. And I know it's the OCD, and I try to be strong, but sometimes it's easier than others to fight it, and fighting is exhausting.

It occured to me when I read your reply you said it is painful, I know that is a horrible feeling, but it is a feeling, and I suppose we have to leap on the positive side of things and think that as this is a feeling then you are feeling, and so we are human. I was once told that the very nature of our 'problem' is caring too much and that's why we leap on the intrusive thoughts because we care and worry about what they mean. So again that means we must be human, if a little too caring with all this worrying going on.

It is hard when the numb feeling comes, but my own brand of therapy is to keep doing and to engage with stuff (healthy and appropriate stuff, I used to use alcohol as a crutch, but that's another story) until I can feel again. And even if it takes a while to feel at least you're doing something and achieving something in the meantime....

Don't know if this helps...what did your therapist say? I don't have a therapist now so I suppose that often makes me feel a bit more isolated. But, coming on here definitely helps to let me know I'm not alone with this.

Stephie

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Stephie,

I guess that's our problem we care too much and the OCD takes advantage of this!

Thank you so much for your encouraging words! My therapist said that I was using avoidance in this instance and that is what is fueling my OCD and that I have to not place meaning on the intrusive thoughts. I have felt some what positive these last few days and I'm just trying to do everything at my own pace.

How is thing's going for you?

Sky

Share this post


Link to post

Sometimes I feel like dying lol,maybe it is just my schizoid personality conjuring fantasies:but then again I remind myself suicide(not that I am suicidal) is never an option because of two reasons:

1)Religious

2)What about loved ones?They would be devastated so its not a responsible thing to do.

P/S:I know no one here is considering suicide I am just saying.

Share this post


Link to post

Hi BazookaDream,

What type of OCD do you suffer from?

Sky

Share this post


Link to post

magical thinking POCD,the problem is I am worried aobut LoA,so that is the real problem.

Share this post


Link to post

Really, I hope you get through this, I know how ocd can take up your life! It's a horrible disease, are you getting cbt?

Share this post


Link to post

Really, I hope you get through this, I know how ocd can take up your life! It's a horrible disease, are you getting cbt?

I am overseas,so now not getting cbt right now,btw we are accidentally threadjacking.

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Blue Sky, it's so hard not to avoid things but it is the key. I spent a long time avoiding things and your therapist is right, it only reinforces the feelings. I hope things are going better for you, I'm really trying at the moment which in itself is exhausting. I am finding myself continuously questioning everything and every feeling or non feeling that I have aaarrrggghhh!!

How long have you suffered with OCD for? I think one of the hardest parts of all is acceptance and grief for the person that you were before OCD but perhaps recognising that you can still be a person with OCD too, no matter how hard it seems some days

Stephie

Share this post


Link to post

that's exactly it, even when I have tried to face the ocd heads on like the last few days and I start to feel better, the questioning starts about feeling and non feeling it's like a vigorous cycle! I have had ocd since I was about 15 years old, now I'm 30, so half my life! Before that I was so different and I guess in away that's the difficult part sometimes thinking what life was before this. I'm trying to accept it and move on but when I get down this is really difficult to do! how long have you had ocd for?

Sky

Share this post


Link to post

Hi blue sky,

I just read your post and can completely empathise with you. I'm new to this forum and it really helps to know others are also going through the same thing as you. I've had the same sorts of feelings on many occasions, and its been really tough to just get on with your day to day life. I definitely feel like a zombie at times but I've always managed to get through it somehow.

I hope you're feeling better today, stay strong!

Your post look sad... :/

Share this post


Link to post

Hi i am quite new to here so i thought id join in the conversation. I think anxiety makes us feel numb like we have no emotions but i think its the brain on overload,also suffering intrusive thoughts cause depression which can also make you feel like your dead inside because it takes every bit of happiness from you and from other symptoms of ocd as it can be very frustrating and draining x

Share this post


Link to post

for me I've been tip toeing around my ocd for about 4 years, and when I say this I mean I can't even think about the love of my life and getting married in case my ocd attacks this. It's extremely painful! I mean I can't even dream like normal people, i feel like a freak!

Share this post


Link to post

Hi Blue Sky, sorry about the delay. I have had full blown OCD since age 14 and I am 26 now. It's been a long haul, and like you I often look back on my pre OCD life and wonder what I'd be like without it. This is as helpful as trying to turn the clock back though isn't it?! I suppose we need to look at positive aspects of who we are and what has happened in our lives. This is definitely easier said than done. I've often found that writing things down helps as my brain is just as big jumble of worry and anxiety and sometimes by writing things down it's easier to order thoughts and look at things realistically instead of emotionally. For example, my OCD got me in some pretty worrying situations where I drank to oblivion to block out the thoughts and the pain. Of course not having been diagnosed I didn't have a clue why I was doing this or why I felt so bad. I then got pregnant and I was terrified. My OCD is a lot to do with harm and responsibility and I was convinced that I couldn't have the baby I was so frightened. When I had him it changed everything, I knew I had to get help as it wasn't just me to worry about any more. So I got help. Obviously that's not the end of the story but rather the beginning and so followed many occurences of my fears and anxieties. However, I think that my OCD brought me a silver lining which was my son, he was my angel in a very very dark time.

I know I've totally gone off track and rambled but I just thought I'd share, and I hope you can think of some positives too. Sometimes it's all I can come up with on the dark days. I suppose it's accepting who we are now, but that is hard.

IhaveOCD23 I totally agree how draining this is, it feels like it sucks everything out sometimes. I'm pleased that amongst all this we have some like minded people on here who know what each other is going through as it's hard going through it feeling like no-one understands.

Stephie

Share this post


Link to post

Hey Blue, I know this is an old post but yea, I can feel that way to. Actualy I would say about 100% of the time. Its hard because people wonder whats wrong with me and I just say stuff like " im tired, or I am sick ect ect" Only a few people know about my disorder but even then, I don't think they know how bad it is. I also don't want people to find out about my condition.

Some nights, mainly weekends, I stay in and don't go out with my friends. and if I do I get some by 11:30-midnight i hate to say it but I give in to the ruminating process a lot.

Share this post


Link to post

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0