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Having children and passing on OCD


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I never wanted children until I met my husband. People always said to me that I would change my mind about wanting children when I met the right person but I didn't believe them. The reason I didn't want children is because they are sticky and you can't control what they touch, they are sick everywhere and you have to change pooey nappies!

Well I was prooved wrong and after meeting my husband and with the birth of my niece 2 years ago, I now want children. But I still worry.

It has taken me 2 years to be able to change my niece's nappy and even that was pull ups and a wet one. I haven't tackled a pooey one by myself yet. I struggled when she was a baby as she was quite a sicky baby and she was sick on me once on my way to an interview. I kind of handled it but had to go home and wash everything. I won't be able to do that everytime my own baby spits up on me so what would I do? Also, it will be 100% worse when it is 'proper' sick. That fills me with panic. 1. because I would get all my usual OCD reactions to sick. That I am contaminated because sick is just repulsive (my CBT therapist said that I can't handle the feeling of replusion the same way I can't handle the feeling of anxiety). and 2. how would I be able to look after my child when they are sick? At the moment if someone I love (say my Mum) gets sick then I run away and just call them on the phone to see if they are ok. I won't be able to do that as I will be the one they will be looking to for comfort. I have the same fear about my husband getting sick.

Then the big fear is how to I ensure that I don't pass this horrible condition onto my child? Although I believe that nature has is a big part of my having OCD (I believe that I was born with a sort of nervous disposition that would result in OCD) I do think nurture has a big role as well. Lots of things happened when I was 4,such as my cousin dying of cot death just before my baby sister was born. There was a lot of stress in the household and that is the origin of my OCD. My main fear is that my family will die if I don't protect them. Anyway, I digress, I 'learnt' a lot of my OCD behaviour from the way the adults around me where when my cousin died. My OCD is much better but my symptoms will always be there and I don't believe I will 100% get rid of them. So chances are I will end up doing some habbits in front of my child even if I try not to. How can I make sure that my child doesn't 'catch' those symptoms?

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Guest Shannon

Hi. I became a mum last year and the incredible sense of love I have for my baby has overwhelmed me. I do suffer from OCD but I cope. The OCD is actually worse when baby is asleep, when he is awake I have no choice but to leave OCD outside and do my job; being a mum. I just crack on, baby needs me, same if they are sick. Sometimes when baby is asleep I get stuck into rituals but baby is safe and asleep and I work on my issues with lots of reading. I think you have to have an observer ie husband who can point out anything that needs amending, for instance all my cleaning products have been replaced with hot soap and water/steam cleaner as overuse would be harmful to baby. No, it would not be good to allow a child access to harmful habits you have to learn to leave OCD at the door and get on with caring for baby. If they are crying you have to forget about rituals and get on.

Nappies now come as second nature, you do many!! Remember OCD has frightened you about germs and contamination, babies are resilient little things, providing you follow basic hygiene rules, all is well. Their little hands get into everything!!!!

Support really helps, especially family. It also helps to spend time with friends who have babies or baby groups. This allows you to see how an OCD free mum copes. You would be surprised, it can really inspire you.

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Guest nervous

I also changed my mind about having kids when I met my wonderful wife and it has been great we have two little ones now. My ocd developed after we had them, caused by working at some unsafe jobs. Having kids when you have ocd is challenging for sure, but having them is worth it and it forces you to face things that you would maybe not have the strength to do on your own. There is no way to stop them from touching all kinds of things they shouldn't. Like Shannon says changing nappies just comes easy and it forces you to see that there is not as much to fear as we think, humans are able to withstand much more than people with ocd think. I have been lucky enough to be home a lot with my kids and believe me just about everything has happened to me and I don't worry about it.

When it comes to passing it on to your kids your just worrying about the future and what cant be known at this time which as you know is ocd at it's finest. When someone has kids the best times with them will be when you can live in the moment not looking at the past or worry about the future. I struggle all the time with worrying about protecting them ( one of my biggest problems) but we all have to grow as people and there is nothing like have kids to make you do something that has to be done

Deciding to have a family is important decision that should not be taken lightly but don't let ocd be a factor.

Edited by nervous
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Thank you both for your replies. I guess I should know that I will be able to cope when I have my own as I am often forced to do something and manage. Like I was forced to change my niece's nappy the other day because it was just me and her and it would have meant leaving her in a stinking nappy full of wee! As you say Nervous

it forces you to see that there is not as much to fear as we think, humans are able to withstand much more than people with ocd think

My therapist said that a big part of my OCD (and probably others) is not believing I am strong enough to cope. I guess this falls into that category.

As you both say, having children is worth it. I am so excited about the thought of TTC (though we can't till my Open Uni course finishes next year) and having a baby but I am nervous too. But I guess that is normal.

Shannon - that is a good idea about an observer. I might discuss that with my husband. All my family watch out for my OCD and they all nearly fell over when I told them that I had changed my nieces nappy by myself. I guess I should discuss my fears with my sisters, mum and dad as well!

:-)

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Guest honey

I have three children who are now young adults. I struggled badly with OCD when they were babies; there is no doubt that it can unleash a lot of anxieties, having your own children.

And did they inherit my OCD? Well, now they are all grown up I can honestly say that none of them has clinical OCD like me. The oldest has a couple of little quirks which we notice and laugh about, like checking the plugs before bed, but it is NOTHING. Nothing like my condition. He is fully aware and very very not-ill. The youngest has absolutely no OCD at all.

The middle one does not have clinical OCD either but has been very ill with anxiety and eating issues. She is tons better now but will always have to work hard at staying well. I feel she did inherit a tendency to worry and low self-esteem, despite all my massive efforts to avoid this. But is she well enough to enjoy life and function in the world? Definitely yes.

So if you are prepared to approach parenthood with OCD awareness and if you are ready to demonstrate non-OCD behaviour to your kids all the time, then go for it, have them, you will have great joy along with many challenges!

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