borderline personality disorder?

[8thstar]

i'm 100% sure i have this now and it's breaking me into pieces

right now i want to end my life ;[

i have bdp and this is why i have relationship issues

http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm

EVERYTHING HERE IS WHAT I HAVE DONE ;[

now i'm doubting my love to the extreme ;[

i lied to her at the beginning of my relationship, sick lies, to make her show me attention and love :{

this is just my reality hitting me now isn't it?

i'm dangerous and she has to leave me? :{

this is basically telling me i don't love her

this is killing me, please help me :{

[Kitty Kay]

Hey, 8thstar

I can see you're really panicking, but please don't jump to conclusions. I have worked with people with BPD, and I have to say I think the article that you linked to is actually quite offensive and portrays people suffering with this difficult illness in a very bad light. It's not objective enough - if you genuinely have concerns then you need to speak with you GP. Do you have support around you? Because you sound like you really are in crisis and could do with some help quickly. Please remember that the Samaritans are there 24/7...http://www.samaritans.org/.

Take a deep breath, and arrange some help for yourself as soon as you can, you owe it to yourself.

Let us know how you're doing.

xx

[8thstar]

i feel terrible ;[ i can't relax a second of my life in the first place with these constant doubts and obsessive thoughts over if i love my partner and then i end up working out this matches my situation exactly and would make sense the most. i have an appointment to talk to someone but still not sure when, i'm just really scared. i feel like an even more horrible person now and that my whole life is just crashing down more and more each day. now i'm scared i'm going to lose my girlfriend or (by the looks of how bpd is looked upon by people) that i will get told i'm some obsessed evil idiot and that my gf needs to run miles away ;( i know she really loves me and she's sticking by me, but i can't help but feel like i must be so unfair? i want to be with her but from everything i've read it's basically saying you need to leave your partner and get over your obsession and i just feel so confused and hurt and in severe pain all day everyday. not even distractions help anymore. am i being unfair staying with her? i don't want to hurt my gf and i don't want to risk anything ;[ am i being selfish by thinking about how hurt and upset i'll be if we broke up? it would only be selfish if she didn't want to be with me and was unhappy wouldn't it? but she's happy with me and wants to be with me. i know too much of how wrong it is to be with someone when they are unhappy and don't want you, and i wouldn't stay with her if that was the case, even if it tore me apart. but right now the only major issues are my fears about all of this, i don't want to break up with her, it would hurt me so much to even think of such things :{ i'm really just very scared about what is happening to me, what's wrong with me, what i've got...etc. i wanna feel good and whole in myself, everything would be so much easier if i just accepted myself.

Edited October 16, 2013 by 8thstar

[Kitty Kay]

everything would be so much easier if i just accepted myself.

Perhaps this is a goal to work towards. I think all of us here could do with working towards accepting ourselves actually.

I can hear that you are in so much pain, and I really feel for you, 8thstar. Please can I just urge you to dismiss the article that you linked to as unhelpful and actually quite inflammatory? It's just not fair that you would be agonising over what you are reading as if this now defines you and makes you think that you should take decisions that you don't want to take, ie. splitting up with your girlfriend. Anyway, it sounds like you are in too much crisis emotionally to be making important decisions at the mo...

I'm glad you are going to see someone soon. What sort of professional is it?

xx

[8thstar]

i can try, but i feel like it does define me which is scary :[

well i'm speaking to a counsellor at my nearest doctor's about everything i'm going through so they can put me forth onto a professional about what i'm dealing with. but i've never been to anything like this before so i don't know what to expect and i'm scared like crazy thinking i'll forget all the things i deal with, because there's a lot of stuff.

[Kitty Kay]

Okay, so hopefully you will eventually see someone who is trained to work with OCD specifically, yes? If you are worried about forgetting things then jot them down as you think of them so that you can take them with you to sessions. A counsellor will be very used to clients doing that.

So glad you're getting some help. Please let us know how you get on.

All the best xx

[Biccy]

Hi 8thstar

You are not evil you just have mental health illness.

Ask your gp to refer you to your local community mental health team so you can see a psychologist for some help . They are much better to talk to and find out what help you need and if you have borderline personality disorder. If you do then they may suggest you have. A therapy called dialectical behavioural therapy to help you learn to cope and with the condition better. Also for OCD you can have cognitive behavioural therapy. It's a good place to start.

I myself have been though CBT and it's fantastic and I'm currently starting DBT which so far is good. You do have to put lots of work in but the reward is epic.

Take care

Xx

[Guest hopebecauseucan]

Hey 8thstar, hope your feeling a little better I thought I'd share my experience with ocd and borderline personality disorder, not that I'm an expert at all iv only just been diagnosed with bpd. I always knew there was more than just ocd I thought maybe I had intrusive harm thoughts and relationship ocd but the way I behaved and managed the thoughts proved there was more to it. I would say iv been suffering for the last three years and so much has happend. I seperated from my partner of six years and the father of my kids in january, maybe because of how this disorder affected me along with other reasons. Over last couple years I have become extremely impulsive, doing things that could be seen as quite risky. My emotions were out of control I never knew how I really felt and what I did feel whatever it was, was pain and sadness and emptiness but I could never explain why. Some days i would be fine and 'normal' me... And it seems on a 3 month cycle for me... I would lose myself and go into the impulsive, messed up, scared, confused me... In this state I would question absolutly every single thing,person, emotion, thought I had and usually ended up making or doing somthing bad or stupid... Somtimes it would be drinking to access doing drugs cheating on my new partner falling out with friends and at my worse ... Trying to end things. I have been in hospital twice, the last time was when I realized that my life could not carry on as it was going I had to do Somthing about this cause I didn't want to be this out of control person. I went back to my physc I have never been so honest with anybody!!! He then diagnosed me with BPD and since then I have done everything I can to understand this disorder and for the last few months I am finally starting to feel ok again. It's not going to be easy or a quick fix I know its gunna be hard work for me but I think one day only when your ready somthing will click and you will find the fight in you to get through this. Advice from a newby get the help you need be completely honest research and you gotta keep the hope and believe that life always has the potential to get better!! One of my biggest downfalls was what if this happens what if the worst thing that could happen did? The best advice iv been given is instead of what if this happens think what if the best thing happens?! What if I DO get better?.?? Where will life take me then?!! Hope your week has been a good one

Take care

Xxxxxxxx

[Guest leopold]

BPD gets a really bad press. BPD (i'm no expert) is quite unnoticeable, statistics show that people have at least one interaction with a borderline person each day (without knowing a thing), making it a very common illness and not something to be ashamed of! Don't get down about what websites tell you, they're often full of ****. With the right treatment you can see vast improvements very early on. This is if you have the disorder anyway - you might not!

Don't let any diagnosis tell you if you love your partner or not, if you feel like you love him/her, then you do!

Hope this helps! Good luck for the future!

Edited October 21, 2013 by leopold

[Guest FobicFairy]

Self diagnosis isn't objective enough, at the moment you are panicking and need to take a step back. You really need to talk to your GP or ideally your psychiatrist and get a proper diagnosis. The fact that you are talking about this on an OCD site tells me your thoughts are probably OCD related, I hope you seek help soon.

FF

[8thstar]

my thoughts are ocd related, but it's not just thoughts i suffer with. my emotions are unstable, i am extremely jealous and have a lot of envy and bitterness, no sense of self or identity which is probably why i have these self doubts, and bpd obviously includes obsessive compulsive behaviours. my emotions suggest me it can't just be ocd, i have felt so much anger and rage over such small things too, i've been manpulative, i fear abandonment...etc. everything i've read on bpd suggests to me i have it. and now i have really ruined everything by going after the wrong therapy :{ i'll be getting CBT in just under a month, we're starting out in a group on the 17th jan, but now i feel like it's not going to help with the other major issues, it will help with the thoughts, but not my broken, emotional, insane self :{ all i want is to be normal, at peace, treat my gf right, make her happy, but i do none of that. :[ i'm a horrible person and no matter how much knowledge i have over anything, my emotions never change and destroy me everyday over such petty things. i've just accepted i had ocd the past few weeks and not even thought about bpd, but yet again today i'm fully convinced i have it. the reason i didn't read more about it again up until today is because i convinced myself it's just my ocd making me fearing having it, but if everything i've read up on it is what i experience, it can't be a fear can it? it's a reality. i'm emotionally insane :[

Edited December 22, 2013 by 8thstar

[Guest Gale1982]

Hi 8thstar,

I Hope you're feeling better today. I've got some family members who suffer with this disorder so I read the article you posted. Roger Melton is just a regular psych from America who's marriage broke down and who's wife now has custody of their children. He's a little bit bitter and has one or two "women issues". I didn't need to read past the first paragraph to understand that this was just one man's vicious rant aimed at his wife.

Its too easy to self diagnose with the amount of "infomation" on the internet nowadays. Do try to ignore it all and wait till your cbt on the 17th. Hope you feel better soon.

[8thstar]

thank you i'm doing a lot better with ignoring things i read now anyway, when i first developed this mental illness i was constantly in tears and emotional pain over my fears but at least i've improved in this department now. the cbt will be a huge help to me anyway, maybe after i deal with the thoughts i can take more steps forward if i'm still suffering with other stuff too.

yeah i see this person is very bitter and hateful, and i guess maybe i'm just fearing being the same if my partner left me?

[Guest Gale1982]

You're absolutely right, 8thstar. Cross whatever bridges need crossing when you get to them, one step at a time :-)

[Kitty Kay]

thank you i'm doing a lot better with ignoring things i read now anyway, when i first developed this mental illness i was constantly in tears and emotional pain over my fears but at least i've improved in this department now. the cbt will be a huge help to me anyway, maybe after i deal with the thoughts i can take more steps forward if i'm still suffering with other stuff too.

Well done, 8thstar. We're all here to support you.

Kitty xx